Etiquette Hell

A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. Guests, register for forum membership to see all the boards. => Humor Me! => Topic started by: Lisbeth on August 12, 2010, 08:02:47 PM

Title: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 12, 2010, 08:02:47 PM
Yes, it's me.  Write.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Nora on August 12, 2010, 08:04:48 PM
Idgi, am I slow?
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 12, 2010, 08:05:39 PM
Dear Nora,

Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-s.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Nora on August 12, 2010, 08:11:46 PM
Oh! Then, oooooooookay!

How's today been? It's all over the place from here.

You should do whatever people in the subway tell you to do. You've just been dumb to have been ignoring them. Listen to the voices, they are right.
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: M-theory on August 12, 2010, 08:18:38 PM
Dear MeanReader,

How do I attract a good Jewish man? Stuffing latkes in my bra failed miserably.

Sincerely,
Confused
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 12, 2010, 08:26:18 PM
Dear Confused,

As they say, opposites attract.

If you want to attract a good Jewish man, be a good shiksa (non-Jewish woman).  That will be the opposite of his mother.  Caveat:  If you are successful, be prepared for him (and you) to subsist on a diet of matzah brie, horseradish, and felafel-because he won't let you get near the kitchen.  So you'll never get to try out those award-winning recipes for Beef Stroganoff or Lobster Thermidor.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: M-theory on August 12, 2010, 08:37:51 PM
Dear MeanReader,

Excrement, I knew I took the wrong tack entirely. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Mostly Frum
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 12, 2010, 08:40:04 PM
Dear Mostly Frum,

Oy vey.  You're welcome, and take care of that doctah-to-be!

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Slartibartfast on August 12, 2010, 11:54:49 PM
Dear Evil Advice Columnist,

My dog barks all the time, even with her bark collar on.  I think she's too dumb to figure out cause and effect.  If I put her outside she annoys the neighbors, but if I keep her inside she annoys me and keeps the baby from sleeping.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 13, 2010, 12:28:13 AM
Dear Dog Owner,

Well, you could try sleeping pills in your dog's food so your dog goes to sleep...and if they don't work, you can have your dog put to sleep.  That ought to allow you, your neighbors, and your baby to get some sleep.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: applied4 on August 13, 2010, 12:06:02 PM
Dear MeanReader,

My wife has been complaining to me about tormenting the dogs.  But I enjoy tormenting the poor dogs.  Is it acceptable to torment them when she is not around?

Thanks,

Guy with laser pointer
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Yarnie on August 13, 2010, 01:36:45 PM
Dear MeanReader,

Our boss told us today that our office might close.  I already have another job setup if it happens, so should I start stealing office supplies now, or wait? 

Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 14, 2010, 10:18:15 PM
Dear Guy,

Why not get a stuffed dog that you can do voodoo on in the presence of your wife? You could also use it to test new torture methods before practicing them on real dogs, which you can do outside the presence of your wife?

Isn't compromise wonderful for marriage-and if she won't compromise, get in some practice in on a real dog that you can eventually use on your wife.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 14, 2010, 10:20:03 PM
Dear Office Thief,

I think you should wait.  That way you can find out what supplies are available for larceny at your new job, and can then fill in the gaps at your old job.  It's a steal.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: CakeBeret on August 14, 2010, 10:24:47 PM
Dear Mean Reader,

My co-worker and former bane of my existence finally got fired. Is it inappropriate to throw a Joe Got Fired party? What length and level of Happy Dance is appropriate in this situation?

Thanks,

Free at Last
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 14, 2010, 10:35:58 PM
Dear Free at Last,

This calls for the penultimate all-night all-expenses-paid party, with a catered buffet and the stars of stage, screen, and monitor to perform for you.

If your boss and current bane of your existence separates from the company, this would call for the ultimate all-night all-expenses paid party, which involves formal dress, engraved invitations, bubbles, birds, balloons, and butterflies to be released on cue, gift registries at Asprey, Tiffany's, Cartier, and Bvlgari, and a ten-year vacation.  That's why it's not going to happen.  Life sucks, doesn't it?

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: a clever screenname on August 16, 2010, 12:05:32 PM
Dear Mean Reader,

I am just flustered by the language that passes as acceptable these days.  It's like everywhere you go there is someone using language purely for shock value. There's even this popular advice columnist that just keeps going on and on about tatas.  While I think it is nice that this adviser chose a rather light euphemism for a female body part, I've just lost my patience after the pretty constant shout-outs to tatas in, I swear, every single response.  I mean it doesn't even relate to the questions being answered. It's truly shocking! 

What do you feel should be the appropriate response to this assault to humanity?

Sincerely,
Prude for the Day
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 16, 2010, 12:23:51 PM
Dear Prude,

Well, you could write a letter to that columnist's editor to complain about the use of the term "tatas" and suggest that instead such terms as "girls," "jugs," "racks," and "boobs" be employed instead.  Of course, there is no guarantee that the columnist will comply, especially if this columnist self-edits.

As for the advice, no advice columnist other than myself gives answers that actually relate to the questions being answered.  That's why I'm still in business.

Ta-ta!  ;D

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Allyson on August 22, 2010, 02:19:41 AM
Dear MeanReader,

My 'Other Half' is convinced that he is a werewolf! Of course, he only uses this as an excuse to howl at the top of his lungs when the moon is even close to full, shed everywhere, and behave in a temperamental fashion that would put most ladies to shame! Is it acceptable to show him the more 'negative' aspects of this, such as feeding him Kibble or making him sleep in the doghouse?

Sincerely,
MoonMad

Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: PurpleFrog on August 22, 2010, 04:51:00 AM
Dear MeanReader

My SO's cousins witch-wife has given birth to its evil spawn. I'm conceded about visiting this child on several levels:
1) It may scare my son
2) It may eat my son
3) either of the above may happen to me
4) It is a truly ugly baby I may scream and run away, which I have been informed is inappropriate.
What should I do?

Yours
Baby-fear.
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 22, 2010, 11:12:42 PM
Dear MoonMad,

Actually, rather than try to beat him, you might want to join him in baying at the moon and shedding your clothes.  It is a course of action more likely to succeed in getting your mate's attention than feeding him food fit only for canine consumption.  But, there is a caveat:  if you engage in canine behavior, be prepared to be called a Female Dog.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 22, 2010, 11:38:06 PM
Dear Baby-fear,

Is your SO's cousin's wife named Rosemary?

Before visiting, stock up on silver crosses and holy water, and arrange to be accompanied by a priest-or, if you have no plans to visit, make plans to become a clergyperson yourself when your SO leaves you and you have no other means of support.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader

Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: MizB on August 24, 2010, 11:09:44 PM
Dear Evil Advice Columnist--

I have recently been having problems at home, such as my mom is asking me to do my own laundry, cooking and shopping. I have lived with her for my whole life and she has always done these things for me and now I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave because first of all she is my mommy and second of all I don't have a good enough job to support me. But at 67, I would think that she would understand that I just don't know how to do these things she requests of me.


Sincerely,
Mommy's Angel
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 26, 2010, 05:10:02 PM
Dear Mommy's Angel,

If you have lived at home and had your mommy do all this for you for 67 years, of course you don't know how to do it!  It's cruel of your mother to suddenly expect you to take on these responsibilities with no training.

So, I recommend that you take a home economics course or perhaps get yourself hired as a cook-cum-housekeeper so you can learn how to do these things.  Then, you can figure out the economic value of your services, and invoice your mommy for the costs of your food, electric power, labor, and so on.  But be prepared for her to refuse to pay-there's a reason for the maxim "never do business with family members."

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Clara Bow on August 27, 2010, 07:50:09 AM
Dear Mean Reader,

What's the best way to deal with patients who ring their callbells all night with their whining about filling their water pitchers, adjusting their air conditioners, bringing more blankets, etc? I just want to chart and get done with the night...not be the maid. Is there any help for me?

Signed,
Nurse Ratchett
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 27, 2010, 10:16:19 AM
Dear Nurse Ratchett,

I would deal with such a situation with a smile on my face...and spike their water pitchers with sleeping pills.  If they keep it up, I'd adjust the dosage...right up to arsenic.  Then I'd check into a hospital myself for mental treatment and ask for a room with padded walls.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: lilfox on August 27, 2010, 02:49:09 PM
Dear Mean Reader,

My granddaughter is about to turn 1 and my daughter-in-law hasn't yet invited us down for the big event!  I told her we, and my daughter's family too of course, would love to come stay with them for a week, and also celebrate her and my son's wedding anniversary, and she just sat there, pale and shaky.  It's not like I didn't give her 2 months to plan, and I can even help her with that when we visit for a week next month.

So tell me, please, what's the proper way to 'encourage' her to get on the ball with the party planning?

Signed,
The Faaaaaamilyyyyyyy
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on August 27, 2010, 02:52:11 PM
Dear The Faaaaaamilyyyyyyy,

Since she's not going to get on the ball of her own volition, I think you should drop the ball on her and take it upon yourself to do all the planning.  You can point out to her that you're making it easier for her by taking all the responsibilities upon yourself and all she has to do is be there.

Of course, this requires you to pony up 100% of the costs.  So before you call the caterers and arrange for the dove release, make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: 2littlemonkeys on September 15, 2010, 11:45:28 AM
Dear Mean Reader,

My wife and I recently (about 5 years ago) moved in with our adult son and his family.  My DIL sometimes "helps" with the cooking and cleaning but is very sensitive.  See, I always like to see if I can make things better and I THOUGHT my DIL appreciated it when I critiqued her meal and gave her suggestions on how to make it better but boy was I wrong.  The other night, I told her a chili she'd spent half the day on should have had hot peppers in it.  I didn't think she heard me the first 3 times, so I repeated it again.  Instead of thanking me, she looked like she wanted to throw the chili pot at my head and said something like "I'm sorry, no one else really likes them." 

MR, I've always made comments like this before and she's always said something like "I'll take that under consideration."  but this time, I seemed to have stepped in it.  I'm used to things a certain way.  My wife has always cooked from scratch for me but my DIL is one of those 'modern' women who works outside the home and relies on meals that can be prepared quickly.  Sometimes she even uses frozen or canned items. 

Also, I hate the way she cleans.  Instead of doing it every day (like my wife used to), she only tidies up at night and then spends half the day on Saturday cleaning up more thoroughly.  In the summer, it's not a big deal because I like to sit outside but in the cooler months (especially football season) she is constantly in my way with the dusting and the mopping and the vacuuming.  I'd also like to approach the subject on her attitudes toward my son helping with the housekeeping and child care.  He's a MAN for crying out loud.  Men do not do such things and I cannot make her understand how much it upsets me to see him doing women's work.

Thankfully, my wife and I will have our own residence soon but until then, how can I get my DIL to do the things the way *I* like them done and to clean when everyone else is sleeping?

Sincerely,
Fed Up
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: jayhawk on September 15, 2010, 02:03:26 PM
Dear Mean Reader,

My wife and I recently (about 5 years ago) moved in with our adult son and his family.  My DIL sometimes "helps" with the cooking and cleaning but is very sensitive.  See, I always like to see if I can make things better and I THOUGHT my DIL appreciated it when I critiqued her meal and gave her suggestions on how to make it better but boy was I wrong.  The other night, I told her a chili she'd spent half the day on should have had hot peppers in it.  I didn't think she heard me the first 3 times, so I repeated it again.  Instead of thanking me, she looked like she wanted to throw the chili pot at my head and said something like "I'm sorry, no one else really likes them." 

MR, I've always made comments like this before and she's always said something like "I'll take that under consideration."  but this time, I seemed to have stepped in it.  I'm used to things a certain way.  My wife has always cooked from scratch for me but my DIL is one of those 'modern' women who works outside the home and relies on meals that can be prepared quickly.  Sometimes she even uses frozen or canned items. 

Also, I hate the way she cleans.  Instead of doing it every day (like my wife used to), she only tidies up at night and then spends half the day on Saturday cleaning up more thoroughly.  In the summer, it's not a big deal because I like to sit outside but in the cooler months (especially football season) she is constantly in my way with the dusting and the mopping and the vacuuming.  I'd also like to approach the subject on her attitudes toward my son helping with the housekeeping and child care.  He's a MAN for crying out loud.  Men do not do such things and I cannot make her understand how much it upsets me to see him doing women's work.

Thankfully, my wife and I will have our own residence soon but until then, how can I get my DIL to do the things the way *I* like them done and to clean when everyone else is sleeping?

Sincerely,
Fed Up



HAHAHAHAHAHA! 
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on September 15, 2010, 03:54:11 PM
Dear Fed Up,

I think your best course of action is to set a good example-instead of critiquing your DIL's meals and cleaning, take it upon yourself to do those chores from now on as a gift to your son.  They'll so much appreciate your efforts that they'll beg you not to move out-they may even decide to pay you.  Then, you can be sure of always having things your own way-and in someone else's house, at that.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader


Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Elfmama on September 15, 2010, 07:37:14 PM
Dear Mean Reader:

My husband snores  snores!

The neighbors are complaining that he wakes them up.  What can I do?

Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on September 15, 2010, 08:53:59 PM
Dear Wife of Snorer,

I'd record all the local neighborhood noises-the sounds of dogs barking, people having s*e*x, kids playing, ambulance sirens, leaf-blowers, engines backfiring, cell phone ring tones, and gunshots and play it back during the night to cover your husband's snoring.  The next time the neighbors complain, you will have documentary evidence that your husband was not responsible for their loss of sleep.

But be prepared to spend the night at a hotel while the recording plays so you'll get a good night sleep yourself-without your husband.  But then again, you find a great partner who doesn't snore to spend the rest of your life with.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Jolie_kitten on September 16, 2010, 09:58:36 AM

Dear Fed Up,

I think your best course of action is to set a good example-instead of critiquing your DIL's meals and cleaning, take it upon yourself to do those chores from now on as a gift to your son.  They'll so much appreciate your efforts that they'll beg you not to move out-they may even decide to pay you.  Then, you can be sure of always having things your own way-and in someone else's house, at that.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader




This. Do get a sex change operation if you deem it necessary for accomplishing the tasks.
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Sterling on September 16, 2010, 03:02:33 PM
Dear Mean Reader,

I work for college students.  All day long they are in my office making demands.  Here it is the 4th week of school and they actually want to know where thier textbooks are and when they can register for thier classes.  Can't they see I have a full day of my own classes, a mani/pedi and yoga class at noon?  How can I make them see that I just don't have time to do all this work for them?

Sincerely,

Over worked and undervalued
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on September 16, 2010, 03:32:38 PM
Dear Over worked and undervalued,

Invite them to take your place in the office.  You can use the time off to visit the spa, get tanned, get a makeover, have your hair done, go shopping, and meet new partners-as long as you can pay for it.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: DangerMouth on September 16, 2010, 03:50:22 PM
Dear Mean Reader,

I hope you can help me, it's about my DH. He's not looking too well these days, and has lost interest in normal activities. He kinda shuffles around the house, and looks a bit grey. Sometimes I hear him muttering under his breath, something about 'drains' or grains'? He said a doctor can't cure what he's got. We live on a farm in rural Pennsylvainia, so there aren't a lot of options for care here, can you help?

Signed,
Worried
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on September 16, 2010, 08:02:57 PM
Dear Worried,

I think the word he's muttering is "brains," and he's playing a trick on you because he thinks you don't have any.  Check around the house for grey makeup and Viagra as well as his secret porn and s*e*x toy stash.  Being on a farm far in the country, he's bored and comparing you to the cows.  The best care you can give your DH is to go into competition with the women in the secret stash.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lady Snowdon on September 17, 2010, 04:01:20 PM
Dear MeanReader,

I hope you  can help me with a family problem I'm encountering.  I live about 800 miles from my family, and my mom has made it clear to me that she expects me to be home for Christmas this year.  In addition, she's made it clear that I'm to pay for my own airline ticket, actually buy gifts for my family, and stay at my parent's house!  HELP!  How can I get it through to my mom that, if she expects my presence at Christmas, she had darn well pay for my ticket, any gifts I give and my hotel room?

Thanks!
No Going Home for the Holidays for Me
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on September 18, 2010, 09:48:04 PM
Dear No Going Home,

Do you have your mother's credit card number?  If so, use it to book all your travel arrangements as well as to pay for all the gifts.

If your mother still expects you to pay the bill, tell her to send it to Santa and he'll fly you in his sled with his reindeer, but if she wants you to fly in by airline and give gifts, she needs to pay for it.  Then make yourself inaccessible...or send in the Grinch.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Venus193 on September 22, 2010, 10:09:15 AM
Dear MeanReader:

My son's godmother bought expensive tickets to the opera months ago for him and me to join her on her birthday.  I was supposed to pick up the dinner tab.  As time went on I realized I hated being out of control of the situation and I don't feel like going.  It also means I have to buy my son a suit.

After a few days of phone tag I finally told her that my ex is grinding me for money I don't owe her and she has had my paycheck garnished.  I sent her a link to a ticket selling website but she says their policy is not to list tickets a few days before the event.  I don't know what she'll say if I call her now; I can't take it when she loses her temper at me.

What do I do?

El Uomo Mobile
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on September 22, 2010, 12:56:19 PM
Dear El Uomo Mobile,

You do have to make this up to your son's godmother, garnished paychecks or not, temper or not.

So, my advice would be to either prepare to have more of your paychecks garnished (by your son's godmother) or get larger paychecks.

As for your ex, going to the opera with your son's godmother ought to give you some ideas on inventive ways to deal with her, like lying and leading her to kill herself, killing her yourself, or if all else fails, killing yourself.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Ms_Shell on September 22, 2010, 01:06:08 PM
Dear MeanReader,

Help!  I have reason to believe that there's a ninja in my apartment.  When I walk through the apartment, nothing is ever out of place (he doesn't want me to become too suspicious, after all) and when I turn around to look behind me, no one is ever there (you never see a ninja until it's too late.)  He may, in fact, be hiding behind my computer monitor as I type this.

Please, MeanReader, how can I get him to start helping with the housework?

Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Lisbeth on September 22, 2010, 01:10:41 PM
Dear Tenant,

Well, how clean is your apartment?  If you want him to help out, you might need to mess up your apartment in order to make noise that you can hear in time to turn around and see him to ask for his help.  So I'd start leaving things on the floor for him to trip on, put chairs and tables in high-traffic areas that he can bang into, and get a dog that can smell him and bark on odor.  Then you can turn around and ask him to clean up the mess...if he's not too quick to get out of the way.

Of course, as they say in the Ehell forum, you can always ask, but be prepared to take no for an answer, in which case you have to clean up not only the original mess, but the extra mess as well.

Ta-ta!

MeanReader
Title: Re: Life Goes On, As Does The Evil Advice Columnist
Post by: Venus193 on September 22, 2010, 01:47:38 PM
excellent!