Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: Larrabee on August 20, 2010, 07:10:35 AM

Title: Online d@ting picture issue - Update post 25
Post by: Larrabee on August 20, 2010, 07:10:35 AM
I have a date tomorrow night with someone I met online, we've been e-mailing for a couple of weeks, he seems nice.

My issue is, I'm about a stone heavier in real life than I am on the pictures on the d@ting site.  :(

Its not a deliberate deception, its just that I've put some weight on pretty quickly in the last few months after splitting with the ex and being unemployed.  When you've got no money and nowhere to go its very easy to spend all day cupboard surfing!  

What would you think if someone you met online showed up a little bit heavier than you were expecting?  It won't be a permanent change as I start a new job soon and I'm always healthier when I'm in a routine so I expect the weight to be off again pretty soon.  I'm still in the 'healthy' weight range but I'm up a clothes size.  Is it a big deal?  I'm nervous!
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: noexitwounds on August 20, 2010, 07:46:27 AM
My understanding is a stone = ~ 20 lbs?

Under that understanding, it's not a big deal. A 50 lbs difference, if your frame is the type to show that sort of weight gain (or loss) clearly? That should be mentioned. 100 lbs? Definitely should be mentioned. 20? People's weight naturally fluctuates at +/- 5lbs just due to liquid intake. But if you're really worried about it and have a cell phone that takes pictures, snap one and send it to him. I wouldn't worry about it, personally. People always look a little bit different than they do in pictures*.

* I say this with the caveat that if those 20lbs were somehow crucial to your current appearance, i.e. it changes it notably and kinda seriously such as someone who's 5'0" going from 100lbs to 120lbs, then a snapped picture probably wouldn't be a bad idea. Or a simple mention in an email. But if you're 5'4" and you're going from 140 to 160? The change in appearance is probably obvious only to you.
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Larrabee on August 20, 2010, 07:51:47 AM
A stone is 14lbs, but I guess it could be 15 or 16 that I've put on.

I do feel like it changes my appearance, as I carry all my weight in my belly sadly!  If it distributed a bit more evenly I wouldn't be so bothered by it.  Maybe its not so obvious to other people.

Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Bibliophile on August 20, 2010, 07:56:30 AM
If it was an obvious difference then I would feel misled.  A dating profile pic should be an accurate reflection of how you look right now, rather than how you want to look. 
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Amava on August 20, 2010, 08:01:43 AM
A stone is 14lbs, but I guess it could be 15 or 16 that I've put on.

I do feel like it changes my appearance, as I carry all my weight in my belly sadly!  If it distributed a bit more evenly I wouldn't be so bothered by it.  Maybe its not so obvious to other people.


You say you carry all your weight in your belly.
So I'm going to ask you: is your (then more flat) belly even well-visible in the pic? Depending on what someone is wearing, I think it's not always obvious from a picture how much someone weighs.
Can you wear something that doesn't emphasize your stomach too much, when you go on the date?

If someone showed up well-dressed, well-groomed and with a confident and friendly attitude, I would never notice that extra weight in their belly. Especially if I had never seen them in real life before and only knew them from a picture. Don't worry too much.
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Larrabee on August 20, 2010, 08:07:45 AM
A stone is 14lbs, but I guess it could be 15 or 16 that I've put on.

I do feel like it changes my appearance, as I carry all my weight in my belly sadly!  If it distributed a bit more evenly I wouldn't be so bothered by it.  Maybe its not so obvious to other people.


You say you carry all your weight in your belly.
So I'm going to ask you: is your (then more flat) belly even well-visible in the pic? Depending on what someone is wearing, I think it's not always obvious from a picture how much someone weighs.
Can you wear something that doesn't emphasize your stomach too much, when you go on the date?

If someone showed up well-dressed, well-groomed and with a confident and friendly attitude, I would never notice that extra weight in their belly. Especially if I had never seen them in real life before and only knew them from a picture. Don't worry too much.

Actually no, there are mainly head and shoulder shots and ones where I'm wearing looser fitting tops.  I suppose I could be over thinking this. 

Maybe I should make some light hearted comment on the date about not being able to afford the gym for a few months, or maybe I should just ignore it altogether!
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Bexx27 on August 20, 2010, 08:12:32 AM
Honestly, I don't think he will even notice 15 pounds unless your profile included full-body pictures of you in tight-fitting clothes (and you also wear tight-fitting clothes on the date), or your face has gotten noticeably pudgier. If you are worried, wear spanx. And definitely add more recent pictures to your profile so this doesn't come up again.
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Raintree on August 20, 2010, 09:42:23 AM
I don't think he'll notice 14 lb from a picture. And if you say anything, like "I've gained weight lately" before meeting, he'll assume you're huge and might be put off (I've seen this happen to a friend of mine).

But if you look significantly different from your picture, maybe you should change the picture.
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: cshiley on August 20, 2010, 10:33:41 AM
I wouldn't say anything at all about it. It's not that big a weight change, and he's not going to notice unless he's a tailor or something.

But he will notice if you seem insecure about your weight or your body.
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: 567Kate on August 20, 2010, 01:11:13 PM
I wouldn't worry about a one dress size change. Lots of people fluctuate that much naturally, and I kind of doubt he would even notice. Wear something you feel great in, and have fun!
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Larrabee on August 20, 2010, 01:12:46 PM
Thanks guys!  It feels like a lot to me but that's just because, well, its me, I suppose.

I'll try and dress well and relax and then on Sunday I'll think about getting the weight back off!
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: ilrag on August 20, 2010, 09:10:01 PM
You can also just take a more recent picture and put it up there (even if it's just head and shoulders) so you don't have to worry about this the next time.
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: MeowMixer on August 21, 2010, 10:13:18 AM
I wouldn't worry about 14 pounds, it's not a huge difference. Just dress well and carry yourself with confidence. Confidence is hot, doesn't matter if you're a size 2 or a 12.

If all he notices is your weight then he wasn't worth it. Also one thing to keep in mind pictures may never be an exact representation. I have friends who are super attractive and yet you take a picture of them? It's like a different awkward version of that person stepped in front of the camera.

Good luck on your date! I hope all goes well :)
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Larrabee on August 21, 2010, 11:28:18 AM
Well I had to cancel for tonight, my dog is ill and I don't want to leave him on his own  :(

We've rescheduled for Wednesday though so I'll bear the advice in mind and try to lose a pound or two before then!
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Aggiesque on August 21, 2010, 02:01:49 PM
I wouldn't worry about it.

Would it make you feel better to take a pic in whatever you are meeting him in, and say "Here's me! I'll be at blah blah date timeplace."
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: audrey11 on August 22, 2010, 11:45:23 AM
Doesn't a camera add 10 pounds anyway?   ;D
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Allyson on August 22, 2010, 08:49:05 PM
I would date a guy who weighs 175 pounds. I would date a guy who weighs 190 pounds. But if I got a picture of him looking like 175 and he showed up looking like 190, I'd have a problem because I'd feel like he was misleading me.

So I think you should lookat your posted pic three and see if they are really accurate. If they're not, then I agree with the suggestion that you take a new picture and send it over.

Also, apologies for any typos, I'm on my phone and the forums software doesn't work well with my screen.

I think most people are just thinking that when it's 15 pounds, it's probably impossible to tell. I sure couldn't tell from a picture whether a guy (or girl!) was 175 pounds or 190 pounds. I *could* tell a difference of fifty or sixty pounds, sure, but less than 20? Unlikely. It might be worth getting a friend to look at the picture and make sure it looks like you, but especially since it's an upper-body/face picture, I doubt it'd be that noticeable. you're right, though, that if it does make a huge difference there should be a new picture.
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: crazycatlady on August 23, 2010, 08:27:46 AM
I would date a guy who weighs 175 pounds. I would date a guy who weighs 190 pounds. But if I got a picture of him looking like 175 and he showed up looking like 190, I'd have a problem because I'd feel like he was misleading me.

So I think you should lookat your posted pic three and see if they are really accurate. If they're not, then I agree with the suggestion that you take a new picture and send it over.

Also, apologies for any typos, I'm on my phone and the forums software doesn't work well with my screen.

I think most people are just thinking that when it's 15 pounds, it's probably impossible to tell. I sure couldn't tell from a picture whether a guy (or girl!) was 175 pounds or 190 pounds. I *could* tell a difference of fifty or sixty pounds, sure, but less than 20? Unlikely. It might be worth getting a friend to look at the picture and make sure it looks like you, but especially since it's an upper-body/face picture, I doubt it'd be that noticeable. you're right, though, that if it does make a huge difference there should be a new picture.

I may not be able to tell physical weight, but I would be able to tell approximate size.  15 lbs is enough of a difference to be a Medium in a picture and a Large-Xlarge in real life.  On a first date I think it is enough to make me wonder what else the person is 'fibbing' (intentionally or not) about. 

My online dating philosophy was to put up as many pictures of me as allowed by the site, and to have them be a variety of dressy-ness, makeup, and definitely some full body shots.  I figured that if the look of me was enough to turn them off, then better to not waste my time on a date with someone who clearly didn't like me.  I'd rather focus on people who like my pics then I can fully worry about whether or not the person is someone I would even want to spend time with. 
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Larrabee on August 23, 2010, 08:48:44 AM
I would date a guy who weighs 175 pounds. I would date a guy who weighs 190 pounds. But if I got a picture of him looking like 175 and he showed up looking like 190, I'd have a problem because I'd feel like he was misleading me.

So I think you should lookat your posted pic three and see if they are really accurate. If they're not, then I agree with the suggestion that you take a new picture and send it over.

Also, apologies for any typos, I'm on my phone and the forums software doesn't work well with my screen.

I think most people are just thinking that when it's 15 pounds, it's probably impossible to tell. I sure couldn't tell from a picture whether a guy (or girl!) was 175 pounds or 190 pounds. I *could* tell a difference of fifty or sixty pounds, sure, but less than 20? Unlikely. It might be worth getting a friend to look at the picture and make sure it looks like you, but especially since it's an upper-body/face picture, I doubt it'd be that noticeable. you're right, though, that if it does make a huge difference there should be a new picture.

I won't be putting a new picture up because I've actually taken my profile down.  I wasn't happy with the sheer number of inappropriate messages I received so I exchanged e-mail addresses with a couple of guys who seemed nice and left!

I would never have tried to seem thinner than I am intentionally, but the weight gain has been quite quick and I just don't have any photos of me taken in the last few months.  I suppose I could have posed for one but I think they tend to look awful!  I prefer to put up natural photos taken in social situations where my smile is more relaxed and I'm more 'myself' if that makes sense?

I suppose I'm also thinking of this weight gain as temporary so I'm reluctant to think of the heavier me as 'me' if that makes sense, although that's my issue to deal with, not the guys.   :(
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: MeowMixer on August 23, 2010, 03:12:01 PM
How long had you had your profile up for? I only ask because sometimes it takes a while to weed out the idiots.

I talked to nice guys I thought were interested in me who just disappeared. I had one guy who told me I looked like a man in one of my pictures, then months later messaged me again to ask me to pose for pictures in my undies for money... I wish I was making that up. I did the online dating thing for 3 years. Took me that long but I found my partner in crime 5 years ago through that. It takes time and a half a pound of salt (grain of salt my rump) to get through it, but sometimes it's just worth it to stick it out.

However, if you meet a guy who says he enjoys stealing bike parts run the other way! I had one date with him (he told me that on the date) and it was all I could do to get him to stop emailing me.

The adventures of online dating is worth it in the hilarious/horror stories that come with it... 
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Larrabee on August 23, 2010, 06:30:12 PM
How long had you had your profile up for? I only ask because sometimes it takes a while to weed out the idiots.

I talked to nice guys I thought were interested in me who just disappeared. I had one guy who told me I looked like a man in one of my pictures, then months later messaged me again to ask me to pose for pictures in my undies for money... I wish I was making that up. I did the online d@ting thing for 3 years. Took me that long but I found my partner in crime 5 years ago through that. It takes time and a half a pound of salt (grain of salt my rump) to get through it, but sometimes it's just worth it to stick it out.

However, if you meet a guy who says he enjoys stealing bike parts run the other way! I had one date with him (he told me that on the date) and it was all I could do to get him to stop emailing me.

The adventures of online d@ting is worth it in the hilarious/horror stories that come with it... 

I've done the online dating thing before, met my ex that way, but I think this site just attracts some less savoury characters.  Possibly because its so huge so the sheer numbers on there means there'll be more oddballs!  My favourite was the one who got very angry when I said I preferred to e-mail for a bit rather than meet within days and then declined to continue communicating at all based on his reaction to that preference.  The e-mail berating me is a classic!  The phrase 'Ivory Tower' was used, I've saved it for posterity as its so funny.

Stealing bike parts huh?  That is an interesting one!

I might be tempted to try a different site in the future
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: Amava on August 23, 2010, 06:40:40 PM
Doesn't a camera add 10 pounds anyway?   ;D

Good question. And the way someone is standing or sitting can do a lot, too.

I'm still convinced that I wouldn't see the difference, Larrabee. But maybe that is just because I don't pay attention.
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: WillyNilly on August 25, 2010, 10:57:29 AM
I think your saving grace here is that you didn't have any full body photos up.  Because on anyone less then 6 feet tall or so, 15 pounds is absolutely always very obvious to anyone who pays attention to weight.  Now not everyone does, so not everyone can really see the difference, but to someone who pays attention to body size, anything over 10 lbs is not going to go unnoticed.

However if this person wants to go on a date with you having only seen chest and head photos, then this person probably isn't too worried about the rest of you.

I know for me, I make a point on my dating profile to mention "all photos are from within the last 18 months and most recent are the ones..."  I also make a point of having not only having pictures where I think I look good, but also plenty where I think I look awful - I figure if I think I look bad in 50% of photos, its probably that I actually look like that at least 50% of the time, and I'd rather someone see me for who I am (and reject me in private) then only show my very best looks and then show up in real life significantly less perfect.  Plus some of the pictures where I think I look like a dork, I've been told are the ones where I look "cute" or "approachable", etc so I bear in mind other people's preferences are not the same as mine.
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue
Post by: BluePaint on August 25, 2010, 03:48:40 PM
I think you'll be fine.  But if I were in your situation and I was feeling self-conscious about it, I would take a silly picture in the outfit I was planning on wearing to the date, send it to the guy, and asked him if my shirt was awesome enough for our date.

If he thinks you look fine, you go on your date and you never have to mention the weight topic.  If he's all offended, he'll suddenly develop stomach flu and you can move on to more compatible guys :)
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue - Update page 2
Post by: Larrabee on August 25, 2010, 06:45:12 PM
Slight update,

I went on the date, I feel like I dressed well and looked ok, I felt confident which is always a good indicator.

Judging by the very nice and complimentary text he sent shortly after, I don't think he was put off by my 15 extra pounds!

Thanks for all the advice everybody. 

Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue - Update page 2
Post by: Amava on August 25, 2010, 09:22:48 PM
Slight update,

I went on the date, I feel like I dressed well and looked ok, I felt confident which is always a good indicator.

Judging by the very nice and complimentary text he sent shortly after, I don't think he was put off by my 15 extra pounds!

Thanks for all the advice everybody. 



Thanks for the happy update! Wheeeee *rooting for you*
Title: Re: Online d@ting picture issue - Update post 25
Post by: Alex the Seal on August 26, 2010, 09:26:47 AM
Great update Larrabee  :)