Etiquette Hell

Etiquette School is in session! => "Why would I want to do that?" => Topic started by: skittles12 on September 28, 2010, 09:24:41 PM

Title: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel[color=black]ationship[/color] with you."
Post by: skittles12 on September 28, 2010, 09:24:41 PM
I know this has probably been on here before but, I have a problem; I'm too nice. I end up being nice to certain men and before I know it I am being asked to go out with them in a date like situation. Or my favorite- every comment they make is in reference to us being together at some point in the future. For instance "Maybe what you are looking for is right in front of you." "I would really like to find a nice girl to go to a movie with, I'm lonely etc.etc. Wanna go see a movie?"

I try to not 'flirt' or give them any reason to believe I would go out with them but there are some guys who are persistent enough to be annoying. What is a POLITE way to say "I don't like you in that way."

I am really trying to learn how to deal with pushy people. My usual situation is to ignore and cut contact because the interaction is just so awkward. Help!
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Ms_Shell on September 28, 2010, 09:38:25 PM
My favorite way to deflect attention is to bring up my husband in every other sentence.  Of course, it doesn't always work, so at a certain point you might just need to be blunt along the lines of, "I'm not dating right now, sorry."
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Deetee on September 28, 2010, 10:06:31 PM
In a perfect world...

The guy can ask for a date up to 3 times. BUT he doesn't say "Would you like to go to a movie sometime?" He says "Would you care to join me for the 7:00 showing of "Blush of the Lilies" next Friday?"

And three times, you can answer "Oh, sorry, I can't. I'm busy (not going out with you)"

I think it would nice to bring that back. The rejection is still definate, but a little less personal...

Other than that, I'm no help..sorry.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Noelle on September 29, 2010, 07:38:53 AM
I think that putting them off with excuses that you are busy that night or have other plans will not stop them from continuing to try several times.  Yes, eventually they would get the message that you are not interested, but by the time they understood that, it would be hurtful and they may feel like they have been "strung along."  I think a better approach is to say that you're not at a place where you want a relationship right now and one or both of you could potentially be hurt if you were to date when you know you don't want anything serious.  Then you are rejecting relationships in general, not him as an individual.  Of course the problem with this approach is that you will seem hypocritical when you DO meet a guy you are interested in dating and they wonder what happened to "I'm not interested in a relationship"...  I guess you just cross that bridge when you come to it.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Noelle on September 29, 2010, 07:40:48 AM
Anyone know why the words dating and relationship always show up with @ in the place of a?
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: tnpenguinbaby on September 29, 2010, 08:28:17 AM
It's so they don't trigger the ad filters which would then start displaying some very strange advertisements :D 
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Namárië on September 29, 2010, 08:42:52 AM
I have this happen to me, too, and have even ended up on dates (somehow ???) that I didn't know were dates! Ugh.

I agree with Noelle that it is a waste of everyone's time to keep putting them off. But I don't think the answer is to give excuses.

Just be honest. "I'm sorry; you're a great friend/colleague/coworker/etc., but I am not interested in d@ting you." Being polite doesn't necessarily mean not hurting anyone's feelings.

Some guys will get mad and push you to date them anyway. They are jerks. Drop them.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: pinkunicorn on September 29, 2010, 01:38:20 PM
Another BTDT.

I was out with some co-workers a while back, before Honey and I became exclusive. One of the guys asked me if I wanted to go out the next night. I told him "No."

He pressed, asking why.

I told him, point blank, but in a light tone, "Because I just don't want to."

He paused, kinda chuckled a little, and said "Well, I guess there's just no arguing with that, now, is there?" and we changed the subject.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: skittles12 on September 29, 2010, 06:24:07 PM
A guy emailed me to hang out on facebook and I told him I was sorry that I was busy studying for my certification test (which was true). He sent back a snarky reply.

If I straight up say no then sometimes they go into whining and trying to talk me into it. My tactic is to lay off contact with them.

All around awkward.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Namárië on September 30, 2010, 07:35:05 AM
It's awkward because they make it that way. I don't have any respect for men who try to whine and pressure their way into getting dates.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: LadyR on September 30, 2010, 12:27:25 PM
My favorite way to deflect attention is to bring up my husband in every other sentence.  Of course, it doesn't always work, so at a certain point you might just need to be blunt along the lines of, "I'm not d@ting right now, sorry."


That's what I do too.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: skittles12 on October 02, 2010, 11:44:24 AM
amen Namárië
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Sirius on October 03, 2010, 12:30:21 PM
I never had much trouble with that even when I was single.  However, I happened to be a party to what I thought was the perfect way to handle such a situation:  I was walking out of a class, and one of the guys from the class asked one of the girls from the class out.  She said, politely, "No.  But thank you for asking."  There are times in my life I should have told people that I wouldn't have a romantic relationship with them if they were the last man on Earth, and I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.

Then there was the co-worker who decided it was his life's work to relieve me of my v!rginity.  I got to use some of my best "drop dead and stay there" lines on him.  The idiot would say things like, "You still a v!rgin?" in front of the whole office.  (This was way before s3xual harassment became such an issue.)  I would usually come up with a scathing put-down, he'd get laughed at by the rest of the office, and that was it.  I wasn't worried about him stalking me; he wasn't smart enough.  This was the guy who came up with the line, "You believe in the Bible, right?  We can be like Adam and Eve!"  To which I said, "I don't know about that; I think I'm smart enough not to fall for a line from a snake."  Shortly thereafter he got sent to Germany (he was military) and I daresay I wasn't mourning his passing.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: JacklynHyde on October 03, 2010, 02:19:02 PM
I was once quasi-asked out by a coworker with the charming line, "Yo, why haven't you and me hooked up yet?"  I smiled, tilted my head to one side and asked if he cared for the short answer or the long list.  I still cannot believe he insisted on the list!
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: AfleetAlex on October 03, 2010, 03:07:39 PM
With the persistent jerks, you can probably be more blunt without repercussion. "I have no interest in dating you." It's the nice ones who are just socially clueless (that really do mean well) that require more finesse - or at least a more polite blunt, so to speak. There were some good suggestions by PPs.

I have used the phrase, "I prefer not to date coworkers," if it's a work situation - said nicely, of course, because it can make a work situation potentially awkward if it goes bad and I'm not comfortable risking it. But that's not everyone's policy, and many people have indeed met their future wives/husbands at work, so that's just one person's preference.  :)
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Minmom3 on October 03, 2010, 03:34:06 PM
With the persistent jerks, you can probably be more blunt without repercussion. "I have no interest in d@ting you." It's the nice ones who are just socially clueless (that really do mean well) that require more finesse - or at least a more polite blunt, so to speak. There were some good suggestions by PPs.

I have used the phrase, "I prefer not to date coworkers," if it's a work situation - said nicely, of course, because it can make a work situation potentially awkward if it goes bad and I'm not comfortable risking it. But that's not everyone's policy, and many people have indeed met their future wives/husbands at work, so that's just one person's preference.  :)

It also depends on how large work is...  I met DH at work.  He gave me (and 15 others) my new employee orientation speech.  He worked up in HR - 7th floor.  I worked down in Financial Planning, 2nd floor.  Once we were an item, I left (for a multitude of reasons) but one of us would have had to leave entirely, as nobody in personnel can be 'with' anybody else, anywhere in the organization, as HR has access to the files.  Other than that, it would have been fine, because I would never run into him, nor him into me, in the course of our normal daily work.  Easy to avoid somebody with that large a set up, aside from the personnel tie-in.  But in small work situations, I agree that it's much the best to avoid work entanglements, as breakups can be deadly messy at the best of times, and in a small workplace, you can't avoid anybody.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Billia on October 10, 2010, 01:00:14 PM
a bit off topic but along the line of not working with co-workers..

In my workplace (a bar/restuarant/functions room) two colleagues got together. They subsequently broke up and it was messy. He cheated she dropped him straight away. He begged and pleaded and tried to get her back for months (mostly while they were at work. In a workplace like that it is impossible to avoid anyone else working. It ended in a huge blow up fight where she gave him several choice words and because they were fighting at work he got sent home. Annoyed at this, he took revenge in the form of posting some distasteful photos of her on the work computer. He no longer works there..
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Raintree on October 11, 2010, 03:10:01 AM
I think that putting them off with excuses that you are busy that night or have other plans will not stop them from continuing to try several times.  Yes, eventually they would get the message that you are not interested, but by the time they understood that, it would be hurtful and they may feel like they have been "strung along."  I think a better approach is to say that you're not at a place where you want a rel@tionship right now and one or both of you could potentially be hurt if you were to date when you know you don't want anything serious.  Then you are rejecting rel@tionships in general, not him as an individual.  Of course the problem with this approach is that you will seem hypocritical when you DO meet a guy you are interested in d@ting and they wonder what happened to "I'm not interested in a rel@tionship"...  I guess you just cross that bridge when you come to it.

I tried that, but then the guy made another attempt 6 months later. Perhaps he figured if he waited 6 months, he'd find me "ready for a relationship." I think sometimes it's better to let them know that it's THEM you are not interested in.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Winterlight on October 12, 2010, 10:44:13 AM
I think that putting them off with excuses that you are busy that night or have other plans will not stop them from continuing to try several times.  Yes, eventually they would get the message that you are not interested, but by the time they understood that, it would be hurtful and they may feel like they have been "strung along."  I think a better approach is to say that you're not at a place where you want a rel@tionship right now and one or both of you could potentially be hurt if you were to date when you know you don't want anything serious.  Then you are rejecting rel@tionships in general, not him as an individual.  Of course the problem with this approach is that you will seem hypocritical when you DO meet a guy you are interested in d@ting and they wonder what happened to "I'm not interested in a rel@tionship"...  I guess you just cross that bridge when you come to it.

I tried that, but then the guy made another attempt 6 months later. Perhaps he figured if he waited 6 months, he'd find me "ready for a rel@tionship." I think sometimes it's better to let them know that it's THEM you are not interested in.

I agree. A flat "No, thanks," is much simpler and there's really no room for attempted negotiation.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Really? on October 24, 2010, 12:18:33 AM
Hi

One place I worked about 10 years ago, I said no to going out with one guy several times. "I'm not interested".

Then he found out I had a boyfriend and asked why I didn't tell him. My response was "Because my I'm not interested" should have sufficed. Then he got it and said "Yeah, sorry".

In other words, its ok to say no and if they persist past no "I'm not interested" is all you need to say. Kind of like I see on this board all the time "I'm sorry that won't be possible".

Onlyme
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Jolie_kitten on November 16, 2010, 02:20:05 AM
I wonder if it would be wrong/too awkward/to blunt to go at it like this:
Guy: Wanna go out for a movie?
You: Would this be a date?

To which either he replies yes and then you tell him something along the lines of "Sorry, you're a very nice person, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now/I'm not attracted to you in *that way*", or he replies no and then you just smile and say "It's good we've set this-one straight".

A more subtle way would be:
Guy: Wannna go out for a movie?
You: Great idea. We could call up some other folks from our workplace/common group/any common friends and go all together.

By this you're signaling you deffinitely don't think of going out with him as a date. If he says something like "I'd much rather go with you alone" then he clearly means it as a date and you can tell him  "Sorry, you're a very nice person, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now/I'm not attracted to you in *that way*"

If you are in a relationship/engaged/married, mentioning in a very appreciative way your boyfriend/fiance/husband every other sentence works pretty well too... (Worked for me a few times, when I was in a relationship ;) )
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel[color=black]ationship[/color] with you."
Post by: sbtier on January 22, 2011, 03:44:32 PM
What's impolite about "I don't like you in that way."? 

Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel@tionship with you."
Post by: Twik on January 22, 2011, 05:23:55 PM
A more subtle way would be:
Guy: Wannna go out for a movie?
You: Great idea. We could call up some other folks from our workplace/common group/any common friends and go all together.

Unfortunately, subtle doesn't work with a lot of people. And the guys who don't get subtle are often the ones you don't want to date. If they did get "subtle", they might be more attractive.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel[color=black]ationship[/color] with you."
Post by: Chip2 on November 04, 2011, 08:51:30 AM
What's impolite about "I don't like you in that way."?

Absolutely nothing.  As one of the socially awkward (but hopefully nice) guys out there, this is exactly the type of response that wouldn't hurt my feelings.  Well, at least for more than a few minutes. :-[

I accidently asked my wife out while running a large copy job.  Her desk was by the nuclear powered assault copier (seriously, the thing had a footprint like an aircraft carrier!) and I was talking about going to the MD RenFest on the upcoming weekend.  After a few minutes of her grilling me about the details I headed back to my desk.  An Older Coworker came up, smacked on the back of the head, and told me FutureWife wanted me to take her the RenFest.  "No way!" was this geek's reply.

I spent a couple of hours working up the courage, but OC short-circuited the process and talked directly to FW, who in turn stopped by and asked me to take her to the RenFest.  Once I got over actually being out with a RealLiveGirl! we ended up having a pretty good time.

Moral of the story:  treat the geeky guys (at least the nice ones) with polite honesty.  We appreciate it.  Oh, and don't be afraid to give us a try.  ;D
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel[color=black]ationship[/color] with you."
Post by: BeagleMommy on November 04, 2011, 12:01:35 PM
I actually had to use the "I don't like you in that way" line with a friend of my brother.  It worked and no feelings were hurt.

The best one I used was at a nightclub when DH and I were only engaged.  I was visiting him for a long weekend.  As soon as he went to the restroom a man very much my senior (I was 21 he had to be about 65) approached and asked me to dance.  This same man had been hitting on every girl in the club and only the drunk ones would dance with him.  The conversation went:

Him:  Wanna dance?
Me:  No thank you.
Him:  I'm a good dancer
Me:  I'm here with someone.
Him:  Why won't you just dance with me?
Me:  Because I don't dance with men who are older than my father. (Dad was 40 something at the time).

He left.
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel[color=black]ationship[/color] with you."
Post by: Nora on November 05, 2011, 08:33:43 AM
Chip2: if you replace "Renfest" with "Bluesclub" then that is pretty much how DH and I got our start 9 years ago!  If our OC had never mentioned to me that DH was afraid to ask me out, I would have continued to believe he simply did not like me "in that way".

Yay for meddling coworkers! ;D
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel[color=black]ationship[/color] with you."
Post by: Shopaholic on November 05, 2011, 01:59:44 PM
When I was younger, and faced with this problem, I'd just answer with "Thank you, but I'm not interested." With a nice smile.

Repeated as necessary. Men where I live are quite persistent.

"But why?"
"Thanks, not interested."
"But really, why?"
"Thank you, I'm not interested."
"Why not?"
"Not interested, thank you. Have a nice day."
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel[color=black]ationship[/color] with you."
Post by: Auntie Mame on November 09, 2011, 01:03:42 PM
Moral of the story:  treat the geeky guys (at least the nice ones) with polite honesty.  We appreciate it.  Oh, and don't be afraid to give us a try.  ;D

I have always loved the geeky boys, probably because i'm a geeky girl.  I screwed up my courage and asked BF out for our first date.  I knew he would be to shy to ask me and I didn't want to let him get away ;)

I think he fell in love with me when I turned to him one day (after he had mentioned something about spice, and kept using the word spice) and said to him "Tell me about the waters of your homeworld Usul".
Title: Re: "There is no chance I would ever have a romantic rel[color=black]ationship[/color] with you."
Post by: jedikaiti on November 11, 2011, 05:04:59 PM
A bit OT, but reminds me of when me (geeky) and BF (mildly geeky first got together. We'd gone out a couple of times, but I wasn't too sure if they were "dates" or "Dates". He finally smacked me over the head with a clue-by-four by holding my hand at the planetarium.

In retrospect, him driving from his home to mine (about 45 min away) to pick me up, then about an hour and a half back past his home to the dealership where I was picking up my new car, before he had to go to work for the evening, really should have been a BIG HINT. :D And that was the second or third "d/Date" we'd been on.
[/OT]