Etiquette Hell

A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. Guests, register for forum membership to see all the boards. => Humor Me! => Topic started by: CrayonOutlines on June 13, 2011, 07:31:58 PM

Title: I need jokes!
Post by: CrayonOutlines on June 13, 2011, 07:31:58 PM
Certain kinds of jokes, that is.

Stuff similar to:

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

What did one horse say to the other horse? "Hey, why the long face?"

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?  Great food, but no atmosphere.

Eggs and bacon walk into a bar and order a beer.  The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. The seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club."

A goldfish flops into a bar and lands on a barstool. The bartender says "What can I get you?" The gold fish says, "Water."

What did one casket say to the other casket? "Is that you, coffin?"

A family of tomatoes was walking downtown one day when the youngest tomato started lagging behind. The daddy tomato walks back to the young tomato, pounds her and says, "Ketchup!"



Clean jokes that have plays on words are what I'm looking for.  Thanks!!!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: M-theory on June 13, 2011, 07:35:06 PM
"So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra..."

"A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says 'Is this some kind of a joke?'"
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: JoW on June 13, 2011, 07:58:45 PM
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bar tender says "get out.  We don't serve mushrooms here.  The mushroom says "Hey.  Don't make me leave.  I'm a fun guy."  (fungi)

A string walks into a bar.  The bar tender says "get out of here.  We don't serve strings here."  The string walks out, twists himself up like a pretzel, mess up his hair and walks back in.  The bar tender says "Aren't you the string I kicked out a few minutes ago?"  The string replys "No, I'm afraid not." (A frayed knot.)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: LadyClaire on June 13, 2011, 08:55:36 PM
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly a carrot falls out of the sky and hits him in the head. Puzzled, he looks up just in time to see an avalanche of food come raining down. Jello, pudding, broccoli, mashed potatoes, chicken..all just falling and burying him. As he lay there crushed beneath the mountain of food, he gasped "oh no! It's Buffet the vampire slayer!"

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with epilepsy? Beef jerky.

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: M-theory on June 13, 2011, 08:57:50 PM
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with epilepsy? Beef jerky.

Ah yes.

"What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk."
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Shell on June 13, 2011, 09:02:50 PM
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says, "Sorry, pal, but we don't serve pieces of string here.  I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."  So the string sighs and walks out.  A couple hours later, the string walks in again, and a different bartender says suspiciously, "I don't think I can serve you. Aren't you one of those pieces of string?"  The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."  *rimshot*

  
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: CrayonOutlines on June 13, 2011, 09:30:13 PM
Keep 'em coming!!!  :D
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 14, 2011, 02:15:34 AM
What did the zero say to the eight?  Nice belt.

What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall? Dam.

A man takes a giraffe into a bar.  They proceed to get wasted.  Eventually the man stands up to leave, and the bartender says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"  The man replies, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: kitty-cat on June 14, 2011, 08:48:01 AM
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool?  Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs against a wall? Art.

What do vegan zombies eat? GGGGRRRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: wx4caster on June 14, 2011, 09:17:00 AM
Why did the elephant paint her toe nails red?  To hide in the strawberry patch.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?  Time to get a new fence.

Why did the turkey cross the road?  It was the chicken's day off.

Why did the penguin cross the road?  It was too cold for the turkey.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?  He wasn't peeling well.

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."   The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party or what?"   "No," said the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: JoW on June 14, 2011, 09:22:17 AM
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.  (7 ate 9)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Sanity Lost on June 14, 2011, 10:44:23 AM
Where does a 300lbs gorilla sit? Anywhere it wants

What did the dragon say to the knight? YUmmmm Oven roasted

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: MandiC76 on June 14, 2011, 11:14:14 AM
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says, "Sorry, pal, but we don't serve pieces of string here.  I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."  So the string sighs and walks out.  A couple hours later, the string walks in again, and a different bartender says suspiciously, "I don't think I can serve you. Aren't you one of those pieces of string?"  The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."  *rimshot*

  

My late uncle used to tell a variation on this one - thanks for bringing back some great memories!! :)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 14, 2011, 11:47:49 AM
Does anyone remember the one about the ion in the bar?  (This is a serious question; I don't want to try to tell it and get it wrong...) The punchline has to do with the nature of an ion. (Again, I'm not going to give away the punchline before the joke is told.)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: readingchick on June 14, 2011, 11:56:16 AM
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food, which he eats. When it comes time to pay, he grabs a gun and fires into the air. Barkeep asks what's up with that, to which the panda replies "I'm a panda, look it up." As the panda waddles out, barkeep opens a dictionary and finds "Panda. Eats shoots and leaves."

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Carnation on June 14, 2011, 12:53:21 PM
What do cannibals eat for dessert?  Farmer fannies (Fanny Farmer)

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?  They taste funny.

Do you serve crabs here?  Lady, we serve anybody. ;)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ferrets on June 14, 2011, 02:43:59 PM
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 14, 2011, 02:58:14 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his belt.  The bartender finally gets the guts to ask the pirate about it.  The pirate says, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"

You know why pirates are so mean?  They just Arrrrr!

What's a pirate's favorite letter? "R" You'd think it'd be the R, but really it's the C! (the sea)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 14, 2011, 05:33:30 PM
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: GIR on June 14, 2011, 10:06:17 PM
What's did one burp say to the other? .....Let's be little stinkers and go out the other end.

Why did the watch maker throw his clock out the window? ..... He wanted to see time fly.
 
A blonde , brunette and a redhead are walking down the the street , the blonde walks into a bar........ the brunette and the redhead duck.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: purplemuse on June 15, 2011, 09:48:46 AM
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 
A: It doesn't matter, he won't come when you call.

Two atoms were walking down the street, when one said: "I think I've lost an electron!" The other asked: "Are you sure?" and the first atom replied "I'm positive!"
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: esteban on June 15, 2011, 11:23:43 AM
A man walked into a bar.  Ouch.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: POF on June 15, 2011, 11:27:48 AM
If you call the birds that fly over the sea - seagulls,

What the name of the birds who fly over the bay ?  Bagels ( Baygulls )

How much do pirate earrings cost ? a bucannear
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 15, 2011, 11:31:37 AM
A scientist is interested in the mechanics of amphibian locomotion. So he teaches a frog to jump on command and measures the distance.

Then he cuts off one leg. "Jump, frog, jump!"  Conclusion: frogs with three legs can jump only 3/4 the normal distance.

Cuts off another leg. "Jump, frog, jump!" Conclusion: frogs with two legs jump half the normal distance.

Cuts off another leg. "Jump, frog, jump!"  One-quarter normal distance.

Cuts off the last leg. "Jump, frog, jump!"

Conclusion: frogs with no legs are deaf.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: 2littlemonkeys on June 15, 2011, 12:33:41 PM
HA!  I'll have to share some of these with the kids. 

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 15, 2011, 12:50:59 PM
Speaking of jokes involving cutting legs off animals: "a pig like that, you don't eat all at once."
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: ydpubs on June 15, 2011, 12:54:11 PM
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a woman with one leg? Aileen.

What do you call the same woman in Japan? Irene.

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 15, 2011, 12:57:54 PM
This is a visual; let's see if I can pull it off.

(hold hand palm down with first two fingers bent and wiggling, move hand like it's "running")

What's this?

Two of these! (bend and wiggle just the index finger)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Kimblee on June 15, 2011, 01:02:10 PM
Why did the elephant paint its toenails purple? So it could pass for grapes in the fridge.

Did it work? Of course, do you see an elephant in the fridge?

How do you tell there's an elephant in the fridge? Footprints in the Jello.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: purplemuse on June 15, 2011, 01:03:00 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer (no idea)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still-no-eye-deer (still no idea)

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bullfight?
Gord

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel

And not a joke, but why do so many of these involve mutilated humans and animals?
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 15, 2011, 01:03:33 PM
Mother horse to foal: Speak up!

Foal: I can't. I'm a little horse.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 15, 2011, 01:11:04 PM
Here's another visual, as the PP's (which is similar to another visual one I know, so I won't repeat it) reminded me.

Hold your hand, palm up, with your fingers arched like you're grasping a ball.  "What is this?"  When the person doesn't know, turn your hand over, fingers still arched, "A dead one of these!"
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: ydpubs on June 15, 2011, 01:18:28 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer (no idea)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still-no-eye-deer (still no idea)

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bullfight?
Gord

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel

And not a joke, but why do so many of these involve mutilated humans and animals?

I thought that was what do you call a guy hiding in the bushes.

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Seven Ate Nine on June 16, 2011, 09:47:23 AM
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.  (7 ate 9)

<-- check out the avatar :)

What do you call a cow with a small piece missing? Chipped Beef
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your front porch? Matt.  In a hole? Phil.  On the wall? Art. 
Where do one legged waitresses work? Ihop
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: MizB on June 16, 2011, 05:43:50 PM
Why were the strawberries crying?  Because they were in a seedy situation
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: readingchick on June 17, 2011, 07:01:33 AM
A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "For you? No charge."

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Hollanda on June 17, 2011, 07:30:03 AM

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "For you? No charge."


Two atoms are walking down the street.

Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure??"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a pet food store. The assistant says "Hi there, what can I do for you?" The duck says "Have you got any duck food?" The assistant says "No. We're sorry, we don't sell that, you might want to try the store across the road." The duck walks out.

Three days later, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hi, have you any duck food?" The assistant says "No, I told you earlier this week, we have no duck food, we don't sell it." The duck walks out.

A week later, the duck returns to the store and says "Hey, do you have any duck food?" The assistant says "No, and if you come back in here again, I will nail your feet to the floor."  Teh duck walks out.

A week after that, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hey, do you have any nails?" The assistant, slightly confused, looks at the duck strangely and says "No, why??"

The duck says...................







.............(wait for it)









"Have you got any duck food?"

(I'm sorry!)

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 17, 2011, 09:06:10 AM

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "For you? No charge."


Two atoms are walking down the street.

Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure??"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a pet food store. The assistant says "Hi there, what can I do for you?" The duck says "Have you got any duck food?" The assistant says "No. We're sorry, we don't sell that, you might want to try the store across the road." The duck walks out.

Three days later, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hi, have you any duck food?" The assistant says "No, I told you earlier this week, we have no duck food, we don't sell it." The duck walks out.

A week later, the duck returns to the store and says "Hey, do you have any duck food?" The assistant says "No, and if you come back in here again, I will nail your feet to the floor."  Teh duck walks out.

A week after that, the duck goes back to the store and says "Hey, do you have any nails?" The assistant, slightly confused, looks at the duck strangely and says "No, why??"

The duck says...................







.............(wait for it)









"Have you got any duck food?"

(I'm sorry!)



I LOVE it!!!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on June 17, 2011, 09:35:20 AM
How do you make a hankie dance?  Put a little boogie in it.

What's silent and smells like worms? Bird farts. 

A man is driving down the freeway and his wife calls him and says "Honey, there's a man on the news who is driving the wrong way on a freeway!"  The man replies, "One? There's hundreds!"

Do you know why blind people don't like to sky-dive? It scares their dogs.

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Hollanda on June 17, 2011, 01:00:52 PM
The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 17, 2011, 01:02:46 PM
A cardiologist was buried in a heart-shaped coffin. At his funeral, people said to a colleague, "Maybe you should do that!"  He said "No way, I'm a gynecologist!"

A colleague next to him fainted. He was a proctologist,
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Hollanda on June 17, 2011, 01:09:34 PM

The Evolution of Medicine


I have an earache ...

2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: #1aunt on June 20, 2011, 11:42:28 AM
What's a frog's favorite outfit?
                    ....................His jumpsuit!

What happened when the cow with short legs walked through a field of tall grass?   
                    ................ She was utterly tickled!

What does a cow read every morning?
                    ..................the Moospaper!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Sanity Lost on June 20, 2011, 02:34:46 PM
What did the alien say to the grass?

Take me to your weeder
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: MerryCat on June 20, 2011, 03:19:57 PM
A guy walks into a bar and says "Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy"
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Hollanda on June 20, 2011, 03:39:32 PM
People often wonder why Britain is such a wet place. The answer is simple...the Queen has had a long reign.

---

I wanted to join our local rambling club so I called the telephone hotline. The man I spoke to just went on and on...

---

Some people have a fascination of blowing air out of their lungs. Personally, I'm not a fan...

---

I heard from a psychiatrist friend of mine that he once had a genie as a client; he said the problem was simple, the genie was keeping his emotions bottled up.

---

When glass repairmen get home from work, do they feel shattered?

Do second hand car dealers get exhausted?

I thought I was cut out to be a secretary. Now I am starting to wonder whether I'm really the type. 

Do hairdressers ever feel dis-tressed by their work?

Do plumbers get driven round the U-bend?

A friend of mine works as a private chiropodist. She's single, and I always wonder whether she finds her sole-mate. I ask her why she does it and she says she likes to heel people. She charges quite a lot of money to her clients and they have to be well off in order to foot the bill. She normally tells me at this point to shut up and toe the line...personally, I think I have these bad jokes nailed.

I was thinking of changing career by creating my own perfume. It would make a lot of scents.

A friend of mine has just been offered a job selling mattresses. When asked whether he wanted to take the position, he said he wanted to sleep on it.

Boom boom.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: purplemuse on June 21, 2011, 08:34:06 AM
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ferrets on June 21, 2011, 05:12:49 PM
Yesterday, my mum bought 8 legs of venison for 100. Is that too dear?
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Spring Water on Sundays on June 24, 2011, 08:53:12 AM
What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

Why are elephants big, gray and wrinkly? Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be aspirin.

One tomato says to the other, "You wouldn't happen to have the time, would you?" The second tomato replies, "Holy $%*@, a talking tomato!"

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? Because the white ones get dirty too fast.

Why do elephants travel in herds? To get the bulk discount on blue tennis shoes.

A guy is sitting in a bar having a beer, when he hears a little voice say, "That is a great tie! It really brings out your eyes." He figures he is overhearing someone else's conversation so he ignores it. A minute or 2 later, he hears that voice again, "I really love your watch! Very classy!" Again, he ignores it. Once again, after a minute he hears the little voice, "That shirt is so flattering on you!" Finally the guy looks around and realizes he is alone in the bar, except for the bartender who is behind the bar, restocking glasses. So the guy says to the bartender, "I think I'm going crazy. There is no one else here but I keep hearing a voice saying nice things." The bartender replies, "Oh, it's the peanuts. They're complementary."
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: oz diva on September 09, 2011, 12:54:58 AM
Sorry to dredge up an old thread, but here goes:

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A Walkie Talkie

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

 ;D
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Hollanda on September 09, 2011, 03:21:37 AM
Not strictly a joke, but it struck me as very funny.

At work, I was waiting in line at Costa Coffee to get my breakfast.  A rather large guy in front of me had ordered a complicated coffee, and it took a while for the barista to make it.  Eventually, the guy got served.  The barista said "Sorry about the wait", and the guy immediately came back with "It's OK, I'll lose it eventually!"

I had to laugh. That put a smile on my face for the rest of the day!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 09, 2011, 10:14:38 AM
Not strictly a joke, but it struck me as very funny.

At work, I was waiting in line at Costa Coffee to get my breakfast.  A rather large guy in front of me had ordered a complicated coffee, and it took a while for the barista to make it.  Eventually, the guy got served.  The barista said "Sorry about the wait", and the guy immediately came back with "It's OK, I'll lose it eventually!"

I had to laugh. That put a smile on my face for the rest of the day!

I have to remember that one!  It has definitely put a smile on my face, too.

Reminds me of when I overheard this conversation in the grocery store line:

Man 1: Oh, I'm just killing time.
Man 2: Better not get caught!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: mlkind1789 on September 17, 2011, 08:22:39 PM
Blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a store.  The man picks the dog up and starts swinging him around by his lead.  Shopkeeper runs over and says "Oh my goodness, what are you doing?!?"  Guy says "Just looking around".
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ferrets on September 18, 2011, 02:58:00 PM
Where do you weigh a whale?
At the whale-weigh [railway] station.

Where so you weigh a pie?
♫ Somewhere over the rainbow... ♪
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on September 18, 2011, 04:37:35 PM
Writing a poem
With seventeen syllables
Is very diffi
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: CrayonOutlines on September 18, 2011, 07:04:33 PM
Writing a poem
With seventeen syllables
Is very diffi

HA!!!!  I love it!!!!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: VorFemme on September 18, 2011, 07:50:12 PM
Saw these YEARS ago in a kids' joke book.

If "fortification" means a very large fort, why doesn't "ratification" mean a very large rat?

(verbal presentation works best) How do you pronounce RA TH OLE (rathole)? 
Apparently rearranging the letters confuses people - they usually try rath ole or something.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: baglady on September 18, 2011, 08:30:56 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar.

Bartender: Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?

Grasshopper: You have a drink named Bob?

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?

I dunno, but when it talks, you better listen!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Allyson on September 18, 2011, 10:13:03 PM
What's big, white, and sits in the corner?
A very naughty refrigerator

what's red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket
What's green and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise

What's green and would hurt if it fell from a tree on your head?
A pool table.

What's green, ribbits, and has wheels?
A frog. I lied about the wheels.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 18, 2011, 10:20:15 PM
What's big, white, and sits in the corner?
A very naughty refrigerator

what's red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket
What's green and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise

What's green and would hurt if it fell from a tree on your head?
A pool table.

What's green, ribbits, and has wheels?
A frog. I lied about the wheels.

The last is one of my favorites!  Although I know it as "What's green and has wheels...grass, I lied about the wheels."
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ferrets on September 19, 2011, 03:29:51 AM
What's big, white, and sits in the corner?
A very naughty refrigerator

That one just made me sporfle at work. :D

And also reminded me of this one:

What's big, green and sits in the corner?
The Incredible Sulk.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Amatherly on September 19, 2011, 10:24:38 AM
I personally love this joke, but almost everyone I know just sort of rolls their eyes at me.

Where does the queen keep her armies?
In her Sleevies!

Also,
Why didn't the dog fit into regular jeans?
Because he was a Husky.

Where did the kittens go on their field trip?
To the mew-seum.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: violinp on September 19, 2011, 11:14:02 AM
A dog walks into a bar, bleeding. He sits at the bar, and declares to everyone "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Lisbeth on September 19, 2011, 11:45:50 AM
How is a policeman like a heart?  He keeps a regular beat.

How can you tell that a dog likes dirt?  S/he digs it.

Why do people park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

How can you tell when a vampire is having fun?  He's getting his groove fang on.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Sabbyfrog2 on September 19, 2011, 12:01:33 PM
Whats black and white and black and white and black and white?


A Panda rolling downhill.  :P
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Lisbeth on September 19, 2011, 12:03:16 PM
What's red, white, and blue, and lives in a test tube?

Bozo the Clone.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: JoW on September 19, 2011, 01:31:36 PM
A man is walking on the beach and finds a lamp.  He picks it up, rubs the dirt off it and a genie appears.  The genie says "I am the magic genie of the lamp.  I will grant y ou 3 wishes.  What do you desire?

The man says "for my first wish I want $1,000,000", and poof, the money appears.  Then the man says "for my second wish I want a red convertible" and with another poof the car appears.  The man thinks for a while and finally says. "I'm not sure what I want for my third wish.  Can I wait a while and get back to you?"  The genie agrees.

So now the man is happy, driving along in his convertible with all that money in the car.  He is so happy he is singing along with the radio.  Singing along with the ads.
"Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner".

For those outside the US:
There one popular brand of hot dogs is Oscar Meyer.
 http://www.kraftbrands.com/oscarmayer/hot-dogs/index.html
Some of their ads feature kids singing a song that starts "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner".



Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: oz diva on September 20, 2011, 03:30:22 AM
How do ask to enter a pyramid?
Took and come in.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Hollanda on September 22, 2011, 03:44:37 PM
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He asks the barman for a drink for himself and the newt.  The bartender asks what the newt's name is. The man says "Tiny." The barman asks why he has called the creature Tiny and the man said "Because he's my newt..."

(Sorry).
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ferrets on September 22, 2011, 04:38:04 PM
[This one works best if you can tell it aloud with a decent Scottish accent]

In an Edinburgh hospital, a new doctor from London is being shown around by a Scottish doctor. At the end of his visit, he is ushered into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, who promptly proclaims:

"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"
 
The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who fervently declares:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it!"

And the next patient sits up straight and bellows:

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his new colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward till last."

"Och nae," the Scottish doctor corrects him, "this is the Burns Unit."
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: MerryCat on September 22, 2011, 05:40:13 PM
I have to admit I'm rubbish at accents. What did that mean, Ferrets?
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Lisbeth on September 22, 2011, 05:40:48 PM
I have to admit I'm rubbish at accents. What did that mean, Ferrets?

She was referring to the poet Robert Burns.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Tilt Fairy on September 22, 2011, 06:21:02 PM
Why couldn't the pirate watch the movie at the cinema?.... because it was rated AARRRR!

I'm sorry.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: GreenEyedHawk on September 22, 2011, 08:22:20 PM
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognise them!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Slartibartfast on September 22, 2011, 09:07:40 PM
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?  Elifino.  (Try that out loud.)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?  A stick.

What's big, round, and has pointy teeth?  A vicious circle.

(This one is also good in a Scottish accent!)
A Scotsman is visiting the London Zoo and stops to ask a zookeeper, "What's that animal?"
The zookeeper replies "That's a moose, sir, from Canada."
"Hoots, they must have rats like elephants over there!"

Ooh, I've got a great knock-knock joke, but you have to go first!
Friend: Okay, uh, knock knock?
Me: "Who's there?"
Me: *giggling through the sudden silence as my friend realizes this *was* the joke*

(And a nerd joke:) How did Little Johnny's math teacher know he came from a dysfunctional family?  He failed the vertical line test.  (Vertical line test = test of whether a statement is a function or not.)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 22, 2011, 10:26:52 PM
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognise them!

I don't get it  :-[
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: VorFemme on September 23, 2011, 09:43:08 AM
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognise them!

I don't get it  :-[

The sunglasses were their disguise - neither the paparazzi nor Tarzan recognized them............and they were probably hiding from the poachers.

I just had to explain the Monkee's song joke to my mother the other day.............she thought that there must have been a photo dropped out of the email.............

I *thought* that they watched tv with us - just apparently NOT the Monkees!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 23, 2011, 09:54:03 AM
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognise them!

I don't get it  :-[

The sunglasses were their disguise - neither the paparazzi nor Tarzan recognized them............and they were probably hiding from the poachers.

I just had to explain the Monkee's song joke to my mother the other day.............she thought that there must have been a photo dropped out of the email.............

I *thought* that they watched tv with us - just apparently NOT the Monkees!

I understand that the sunglasses are a disguise and like in many children's shows, it's ridiculous to think a pair of sunglasses would change anything, but I don't get why it's funny :/  Am I missing a reference to something else?
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Tilt Fairy on September 23, 2011, 12:12:14 PM
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognise them!

I don't get it  :-[

The sunglasses were their disguise - neither the paparazzi nor Tarzan recognized them............and they were probably hiding from the poachers.

I just had to explain the Monkee's song joke to my mother the other day.............she thought that there must have been a photo dropped out of the email.............

I *thought* that they watched tv with us - just apparently NOT the Monkees!

I understand that the sunglasses are a disguise and like in many children's shows, it's ridiculous to think a pair of sunglasses would change anything, but I don't get why it's funny :/  Am I missing a reference to something else?

I concur. I am totally lost with this joke. I must be missing something. Why is the paparazzi or poachers involved in the joke?
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on September 23, 2011, 12:28:09 PM
What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall?

"Dam!"
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: glacio on September 23, 2011, 01:42:04 PM
How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door and put him in.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Open the door, take out the elephant, and put in the giraffe.

The lion king called a meeting for all the animal kingdom. Who was not there?
The giraffe, he's still in the fridge.

You come to a river that has a sign saying "Warning: Crocodiles". How do you get across?
Swim, all the crocodiles are at the meeting.



Hehehe.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Hollanda on September 23, 2011, 02:20:26 PM
How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door and put him in.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Open the door, take out the elephant, and put in the giraffe.

The lion king called a meeting for all the animal kingdom. Who was not there?
The giraffe, he's still in the fridge.

You come to a river that has a sign saying "Warning: Crocodiles". How do you get across?
Swim, all the crocodiles are at the meeting.



Hehehe.

Now that just made me laugh. :D I love a proper giggle. :D Stolen and posted to Facebook LOL!!!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: CG on September 23, 2011, 03:57:50 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. 

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see."  Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."  Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today.  What does it tell you?" 

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot!  Someone has stolen our tent!"
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: CG on September 23, 2011, 03:58:56 PM
What kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A cereal killer.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: VorFemme on September 24, 2011, 06:06:57 PM
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognise them!

I don't get it  :-[

The sunglasses were their disguise - neither the paparazzi nor Tarzan recognized them............and they were probably hiding from the poachers.

I just had to explain the Monkee's song joke to my mother the other day.............she thought that there must have been a photo dropped out of the email.............

I *thought* that they watched tv with us - just apparently NOT the Monkees!

I understand that the sunglasses are a disguise and like in many children's shows, it's ridiculous to think a pair of sunglasses would change anything, but I don't get why it's funny :/  Am I missing a reference to something else?

I concur. I am totally lost with this joke. I must be missing something. Why is the paparazzi or poachers involved in the joke?

It's a simple joke for children - ONLY children think that a pair of sunglasses make you unrecognizeable.  I'm afraid that I got sidetracked into a little digression............

Unless you're famous and trying to avoid the paparazzi.........they tend to wear BIG sunglasses.  The only thing that elephants would want to avoid (that I could think of) would be poachers..........
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 24, 2011, 06:48:28 PM
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognise them!

I don't get it  :-[

The sunglasses were their disguise - neither the paparazzi nor Tarzan recognized them............and they were probably hiding from the poachers.

I just had to explain the Monkee's song joke to my mother the other day.............she thought that there must have been a photo dropped out of the email.............

I *thought* that they watched tv with us - just apparently NOT the Monkees!

I understand that the sunglasses are a disguise and like in many children's shows, it's ridiculous to think a pair of sunglasses would change anything, but I don't get why it's funny :/  Am I missing a reference to something else?

I concur. I am totally lost with this joke. I must be missing something. Why is the paparazzi or poachers involved in the joke?

It's a simple joke for children - ONLY children think that a pair of sunglasses make you unrecognizeable.  I'm afraid that I got sidetracked into a little digression............

Unless you're famous and trying to avoid the paparazzi.........they tend to wear BIG sunglasses.  The only thing that elephants would want to avoid (that I could think of) would be poachers..........

Ah, I see; I was afraid I was missing something.  Thank you for clearing up the confusion.

FTR, I got the Monkees joke, and I wasn't even born when they were on TV.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Tierrainney on September 24, 2011, 06:54:29 PM
Q:  How do you shoot a Blue Elephant?
A:  With a blue elephant gun.

Q:  How do you shoot a Red Elephant ?
A:  With a Red elephant gun?

 No! Hold his nose until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Bonus joke:
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A:  You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Tierrainney on September 24, 2011, 06:56:56 PM
I thought of some more:

Q: How do you catch a unique animal?
A:  Unique up on him. 

Q: how do you catch a tame animal?
A: The tame way, unique up on him.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Lisbeth on September 25, 2011, 12:05:10 PM
What do ducks do when they fly upside down?  They quack up.

How do you keep fish from smelling?  Cut off their noses.

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on September 25, 2011, 03:27:23 PM
Monty Python's world's deadliest joke:

Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhmnOpoGAPw
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: RingTailedLemur on September 26, 2011, 05:37:22 AM
My ex left me because she thought it was weird how much I love touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: oz diva on September 26, 2011, 06:27:52 AM
3 old ladies are sitting on a park bench, a flasher stops in front of them and shows them his 'bits', 2 of the ladies had a stroke, but the 3rd one couldn't reach!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: JonGirl on September 27, 2011, 05:03:45 AM
3 old ladies are sitting on a park bench, a flasher stops in front of them and shows them his 'bits', 2 of the ladies had a stroke, but the 3rd one couldn't reach!


 :'(  with laughter!!!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: GIR on September 29, 2011, 04:38:45 PM
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper!!

Why are Budgies so easy to buy?    They're always going Cheap

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 29, 2011, 06:04:01 PM
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper!!

Why are Budgies so easy to buy?    They're always going Cheap!!

Why can't Helen Keller drive?     Cause she's a woman......

Watch yourself, GIR, that last joke isn't quite appropriate.  It's also not a "clean joke with a play on words" for which the OP was looking.  I suggest removing the joke.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: GIR on September 29, 2011, 07:08:49 PM
Oh!!! Sorry I didnt realize. Thank you for letting me know.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 29, 2011, 11:57:28 PM
Oh!!! Sorry I didnt realize. Thank you for letting me know.

No problem :D I was, not too long ago, new here and still figuring out things.

(FTR, I love that joke because of it's not obviousness...it's just not appropriate here...Like swearing in front of my grandmother, just not appropriate lol)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: scotcat on October 02, 2011, 12:05:18 PM
Why do elephnat wear green jerseys?
So they can walk across billiard tables without being seen

Why do elephants wear grey jerseys?
Because their green ones are  being washed.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in bowls of custard.

What is the difference between a village and a hamlet?
One is a group of houses, the other is a play by Shakespeare

What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison
You can wash your hands in a bison, but you can't wash you hands in a buffalo. ( to be said with an Eliza Doolittle accent)

But don''t get me started on the "Mummy, Mummy " jokes.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Cyradis on October 02, 2011, 02:06:05 PM
The escaped petite psychic was described by the police as a small medium at large.

A lot of money is tainted. T'ain't mine and t'aint yours.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died but I was delighted.

Contemplating my upcoming root canal was deeply unnerving.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Does England have a blood bank? No idea but it does have a Liverpool.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: JoW on October 02, 2011, 02:08:26 PM
If Oz Divia can post the stroke joke I guess I can post this one.


Clem came down from the hills and joined the Army. 
First they gave him a hat, then they cut his hair. 
Next they gave him a tooth brush, did a dental exam, and pulled 7 teeth.
Then they gave him a jock strap.  That was 6 months ago, they haven't seen him since. 



(For non-US - the correct name for a jock strap is athletic supporter.  Its a men's undergarment.  It supports his boy parts.)
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Lisbeth on October 03, 2011, 12:14:48 PM
Nothing grows faster than the unpaid balance on a revolving charge account.

It takes more brains to prepare an income tax return than it does to make the income.

How do you eat data?  Byte by byte.

What's a crazy website?  A dotty com.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on October 03, 2011, 12:50:03 PM
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Claude.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: RingTailedLemur on October 04, 2011, 05:05:29 AM
What do you call a lion in a fancy hat?

A dandy lion.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: esteban on January 10, 2012, 01:34:07 PM
A lady gets on the bus holding her baby.
"Lady that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen" says the bus driver.
The lady goes to sit down in the back of the bus fuming.  She sits next to a man and says
"The bus driver just insulted me"
The man looks at her and says
"You shouldn't take that.  Go right up there and give him a piece of your mind.  Go on I'll hold your monkey for you"
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Shoo on January 10, 2012, 03:08:22 PM
A lady gets on the bus holding her baby.
"Lady that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen" says the bus driver.
The lady goes to sit down in the back of the bus fuming.  She sits next to a man and says
"The bus driver just insulted me"
The man looks at her and says
"You shouldn't take that.  Go right up there and give him a piece of your mind.  Go on I'll hold your monkey for you"

Now this one made me LOL!

Can I borrow it?
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Seraphia on January 10, 2012, 05:40:34 PM
I've posted this before, but it's my dad's favorite, so I'll post it again.

You know how, when you see geese flying, they're always in that V shape? Did you ever notice, when they're flying, that one leg of that V is always longer than the other? You want to know why that is?

......

......

......




There's more geese on that side.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Mental Magpie on January 10, 2012, 06:25:06 PM
I've posted this before, but it's my dad's favorite, so I'll post it again.

You know how, when you see geese flying, they're always in that V shape? Did you ever notice, when they're flying, that one leg of that V is always longer than the other? You want to know why that is?

......

......

......




There's more geese on that side.

I don't know if I posted this one, but your joke made me think of it...

Why do some people press the elevator button with their fingers and others with their thumbs?






To make the elevator work.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: esteban on January 10, 2012, 07:27:20 PM
A lady gets on the bus holding her baby.
"Lady that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen" says the bus driver.
The lady goes to sit down in the back of the bus fuming.  She sits next to a man and says
"The bus driver just insulted me"
The man looks at her and says
"You shouldn't take that.  Go right up there and give him a piece of your mind.  Go on I'll hold your monkey for you"

Now this one made me LOL!

Can I borrow it?

Sure I stole it from someone else.
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Isometric on January 10, 2012, 07:33:46 PM
Not sure if these have been posted but;

A bear walks into a pub and says to the bartender "Can I please have a rum and.......  coke"

The bartender says, "sure, but why the pause?"

The bear looks down at his paws and says "I don't know, I've had them my whole life!"

Or

Where does the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies!
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Hollanda on January 14, 2012, 05:20:16 PM
Bruno Mars: I wanna be a billionaire, so freakin bad...
Girl: Oh wow, me too! I need some new clothes!
Bruno Mars: I don't think so, cos girl you're amazing, just the way you are!
Girl: Really, do you think so? What would you do for me?
Bruno Mars: I'd catch a grenade for you!
Girl: Even today?
*Grenade hits her*
Bruno Mars: Today I don't feel like doing anything...

***

My mate said he'd get me a brand new digital clock for Christmas. It turned out to be a wind up.

***
On the instructions on my washing machine, it says "When cycle is finished, leave door a jar." I wonder if the empty Chicken Tonight one will do?

***

People say I have a short attention - ooh, look at that bird!!!

Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on January 17, 2012, 08:48:51 AM
I have Al Pacino via Johnny Depp to thank for this one.  Apparently while filming Donnie Brasco, Pacino repeatedly told this joke to Johnny who took a while to get it.   

A skeleton goes into a bar.  Orders a beer...and a mop.

Here's Johnny on Letterman telling the joke: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84-vIZztZLo
Title: Re: I need jokes!
Post by: Bijou on January 26, 2012, 10:25:43 AM
Did you hear the one about the guy who named his cat Santa Claws?