Etiquette Hell

Forum Administration => Forum Announcements => Topic started by: LadyL on July 26, 2011, 08:15:52 AM

Title: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: LadyL on July 26, 2011, 08:15:52 AM
For those of us who check the site several times a day a lot, you start to notice people's posting "style" based on their history. Is there a polite way to constructively criticize a poster's style?

I think the #1 style issue I run into is leaving out important details or background info. For example, an in-law crosses a relatively small boundary. If the poster seems upset about it, we're going to wonder if there is back story of other boundary trampling that puts the newest incident in a different perspective. If that's not included in the OP then everyone's comments get prefaced with "Well, I don't know if you've had other issues like this before, but if this is the first time..." If the OP updates and says yes, in-law has a history of being a huge boundary trampler, it changes the whole scenario and can render lots of previously given advice invalid.

I've seen first time posters be told that it is considered forum etiquette to include all applicable background when they've clearly omitted important detail. However, long time posters who do this often don't get a reminder. I don't know if it would be helpful to them or not to say "Hey, in your last few posts you've left out details that were pretty important - is there more to <xyz scenario> that might be helpful for us to know?" I feel like this rides a bit close to calling people out about past disagreements, except in this case it's a disagreement about what should be included in a post.

And for an even stickier example - what about posters who leave out background info to make their position seem more sympathetic (and the less than flattering side of the story only comes out later with lots of prodding)? Or conversely add in a bunch of info that isn't really relevant to try to make their "case" stronger (i.e. a bunch of small, unrelated complaints about the person they feel is being rude)? If someone does this, let's say, in five consecutive posts is there any way to address it? Reporting all the posts to a mod seems excessive to me, yet I also feel like wasting the forum's time is not good etiquette.





Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: TurtleDove on July 26, 2011, 08:44:59 AM
I agree. I find it frustrating when the facts change as the OP realizes not all posters see things the way she does. It's very difficult to provide feedback on a moving target, and it comes across as seeking validation rather than etiquette advice.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: camlan on July 26, 2011, 09:21:22 AM
I share the OP's frustration, but I'm not sure how much control we can have over this.

Some posters complain when there is too much detail in the OP. Or detail that people don't think is important to the issue.

Some posters complain when there is too little detail in the OP.

It's hard to find a balance.

People have different levels of writing skills. Different levels of ability to tell the story, in order, with all relevant details included and all non-relevant details excluded. And when you're in the middle of a big mess, it's sometimes hard to know what's important and what's not. Some people add/delete details on purpose. Others just don't think about them. I've spent considerable time composing posts, only to find that others either misread the entire post or felt my level of detail was all wrong. And I was trying my best to include just enough detail.

We could create rules. We could admonish those posters who don't follow the rules. But I think the end result would be a lot fewer posts, as people get frustrated with the rules and leave.

When situations arise where new details keep being added or arguments occur over the level of detail in the OP, or I feel the OP is trying to manipulate the readers, I just stop reading the thread. If it gets bad enough, over repeated posts, I just stop reading threads started by that person. You vote with your feet, as it were. If no one reads or responds to those threads, the posters will either learn to write better posts or leave the forum.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 26, 2011, 09:23:34 AM
Interesting question. I tend to read the content of the posts, and only occasionally glance to the side to see who wrote the post--usually if there's something remarkable about it (either bad or good). So, I probably don't pick up on stylistic patterns for most individual posters.

All that being said, I feel like I do see a lot of people who (gently or not) challenge the OP about the details they provide--I've not noticed people refraining from saying anything just because the OP is a long-time poster. Of course, sometimes with a long-time poster, people with better memories than I already KNOW extra details--I sometimes see replies like, "Oh no, MIL acting up again? What with her history of boundary-smashing, I think you seriously need to just stay away from her for a while." And the OP hasn't even mentioned much history with MIL, but posters remember it from previous posts (which the OP hasn't even alluded to). I consider that part of the perks of being a tight-knit community, though I think it's perfectly reasonable for someone else to say, "Sorry, I don't remember the history here. Can someone provide links to previous threads?" if they're interested.

I've also seen people say in a thread, "You know, Wynn5000, I've seen several threads from you lately, and you always seem to put in these extra negative details that are unnecessary for the story." I don't know if that's polite or not, but it does happen. Would it be better to send Wynn5000 a PM, if you take a helpful, "you're new here so maybe you didn't know..." tone? Or should you just use the "mental ignore button" and stop reading posts by Wynn5000?
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Nanny Ogg on July 26, 2011, 10:30:23 AM
I don't think its fair for anyone except the mods to advise on posting style. The guidelines are there in the rules, let the mods point the annoying poster to read them - if you feel that strongly, take your complaint through the proper channels or just don't read the thread. I fear that otherwise "commenting" on posting style is just going to lead to bruised egos and tantrums, and I think it would be too easy for certain people to start dogpiling.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: TychaBrahe on July 26, 2011, 11:05:55 AM
When you say posting style, do you mean the text and the way that the person tells the story, or do you mean other stylistic things?

I will PM a newbie and suggest that they use paragraph breaks, and especially hit two Enter's to break paragraphs visually on the screen.  I know there are some people who won't read a post that is difficult to read. 

If someone came on that posted entirely in text speak, I might suggest they use more formal writing.  Few of us are perfect spellers, and if you post via a smartphone, the phone can add all sorts of stuff, but most people aren't going to want to read "BFF n me wnt 2 chrch Sun n met up w sum boyz," for three paragraphs. 

I don't comment on it, but I prefer posters who rename the characters in their stories rather than abbreviations.  Referring to two couples in the thread as "Alice and Andy, and Betty and Bob" or "Fred and Wilma, and Lucy and Desi" help me keep it straight in my head the gender and relationships of the couples.  It's harder with "A & B and my DH & I went out to dinner with C & D."  In the first couple, is A the husband, or is B?  Because if guy A wants to hang out alone with guy C and gal B is ticked off, I have way different advice than if guy A wants to hang out alone with gal C.  Or are A&B a same-sex couple, which puts a further different spin on it. 
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Zilla on July 26, 2011, 11:06:02 AM
I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Flora Louise on July 26, 2011, 11:25:13 AM
I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: TurtleDove on July 26, 2011, 11:28:57 AM
Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

For me, I think it's fine for an OP to uphold her opinion.  I don't think it's okay to change the scenario to try to convince others to change their opinion based on the OP.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: rashea on July 26, 2011, 11:32:44 AM
Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

For me, I think it's fine for an OP to uphold her opinion.  I don't think it's okay to change the scenario to try to convince others to change their opinion based on the OP.

I know I got caught in that once (that I remember, so probably more). But it really was just me not having enough information in the OP because I was trying to keep it shorter. I think if someone does it every time, or frequently it might be worth addressing, but sometimes it really is a situation of just not knowing what to include.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Flora Louise on July 26, 2011, 11:38:28 AM
Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

For me, I think it's fine for an OP to uphold her opinion.  I don't think it's okay to change the scenario to try to convince others to change their opinion based on the OP.


I know I got caught in that once (that I remember, so probably more). But it really was just me not having enough information in the OP because I was trying to keep it shorter. I think if someone does it every time, or frequently it might be worth addressing, but sometimes it really is a situation of just not knowing what to include.


Yeah, I don't recall ever feeling that someone was deliberately misleading me by leaving out info from the OP. It is hard to know how much to write.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 26, 2011, 11:42:40 AM
When you say posting style, do you mean the text and the way that the person tells the story, or do you mean other stylistic things?

I will PM a newbie and suggest that they use paragraph breaks, and especially hit two Enter's to break paragraphs visually on the screen.  I know there are some people who won't read a post that is difficult to read. 

If someone came on that posted entirely in text speak, I might suggest they use more formal writing.  Few of us are perfect spellers, and if you post via a smartphone, the phone can add all sorts of stuff, but most people aren't going to want to read "BFF n me wnt 2 chrch Sun n met up w sum boyz," for three paragraphs. 

I don't comment on it, but I prefer posters who rename the characters in their stories rather than abbreviations.  Referring to two couples in the thread as "Alice and Andy, and Betty and Bob" or "Fred and Wilma, and Lucy and Desi" help me keep it straight in my head the gender and relationships of the couples.  It's harder with "A & B and my DH & I went out to dinner with C & D."  In the first couple, is A the husband, or is B?  Because if guy A wants to hang out alone with guy C and gal B is ticked off, I have way different advice than if guy A wants to hang out alone with gal C.  Or are A&B a same-sex couple, which puts a further different spin on it.

POD to this. Ultimately I think it's the OP's choice how they want to present their information (from the standpoint of both content and form), but they might truly be ignorant of how confusing they're being, and they might appreciate stylistic advice that helps them get more advice for their actual etiquette problem. Obviously, this should be worded in a very tactful and helpful way, not a chastising one. But I don't see anything wrong with giving a poster this kind of advice about their posting style.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Zilla on July 26, 2011, 11:47:36 AM
Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

For me, I think it's fine for an OP to uphold her opinion.  I don't think it's okay to change the scenario to try to convince others to change their opinion based on the OP.


I know I got caught in that once (that I remember, so probably more). But it really was just me not having enough information in the OP because I was trying to keep it shorter. I think if someone does it every time, or frequently it might be worth addressing, but sometimes it really is a situation of just not knowing what to include.


Yeah, I don't recall ever feeling that someone was deliberately misleading me by leaving out info from the OP. It is hard to know how much to write.


I can give an example of this from my own postings.  When I posted about my bil, I would write pages on him but trying to be concise and then ask for advice.  Sometimes the advice given was for me personally rather then on bil.  And I may present a few facts that I forgot from my OP, and their opinion remains unchanged.  Then I actually learn from that and think maybe I am seeing it wrong and will temper my solution to include that POV.


But others will be adament and keep presenting examples of why they are right and why the person/issue they are writing about is wrong.  And then end the thread saying that everyone misunderstands and leaves the thread.  They weren't willing to take the advice requested nor were they willing to see that there could be another way of looking at it.

I do agree its okay to disagree or be set in your ways.  But if you are, don't ask for advice, post about it in coffee break.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: The Ricker on July 26, 2011, 11:49:49 AM
A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Flora Louise on July 26, 2011, 11:56:26 AM
Quote from: Flora Louise on Today at 12:38:28 PM
Quote from: rashea on Today at 12:32:44 PM
Quote from: TurtleDove on Today at 12:28:57 PM
Quote from: Flora Louise on Today at 12:25:13 PM
Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

For me, I think it's fine for an OP to uphold her opinion.  I don't think it's okay to change the scenario to try to convince others to change their opinion based on the OP.


I know I got caught in that once (that I remember, so probably more). But it really was just me not having enough information in the OP because I was trying to keep it shorter. I think if someone does it every time, or frequently it might be worth addressing, but sometimes it really is a situation of just not knowing what to include.


Yeah, I don't recall ever feeling that someone was deliberately misleading me by leaving out info from the OP. It is hard to know how much to write.
>>  But if you are, don't ask for advice, post about it in coffee break.<<

Oh I don't know. I think it's possible to ask for advice, then decide it isn't very good and discount it.


A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

Oh yes. It is annoying. And transparent.

Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Zilla on July 26, 2011, 12:01:23 PM
A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.


I don't know if its a gray area, but sometimes for people like me it feels rude even though it is ehell approved.  What I mean is that I have a very wimpy person and when I stand up for myself I kind of get like CRUD MONKEYS! did I do okay?  Did I meet rudeness with rudeness or was this okay?  And then because I was brave, I will be more willing to do it again but double checking that I wasn't overreacting.


But I do see some of the ones you were talking about.  Just pointing out that some of them can be how I described.  :D
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Larrabee on July 26, 2011, 12:01:35 PM
A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.


On the other side of it, I don't really like it when someone posts just to relate an interesting etiquette-related experience and the first reply is "So what's your question?"  I'm fairly sure you don't need to have a question to post, but maybe those kind of responses are why people feel they have to add that.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Zilla on July 26, 2011, 12:03:49 PM
A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.


On the other side of it, I don't really like it when someone posts just to relate an interesting etiquette-related experience and the first reply is "So what's your question?" I'm fairly sure you don't need to have a question to post, but maybe those kind of responses are why people feel they have to add that.


But then those should not be posted in the Life in General, Families and Children etc sections as I think those are specifically boards to ask.  Coffee Break folders and the Interesting Assumptions etc sections are for those without questions.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: tnpenguinbaby on July 26, 2011, 12:09:05 PM
I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

The problem lately seems to be if you disagree and post such thoughts, folks get in an uproar and then suddenly posters arent' here anymore.
My theory is if you don't like something and it's not illegal, immoral or fattening, skip over it.  We aren't required to read every thread on the forum.  There are some posts I don't read because of style, or because I already know what they're going to say: the same thing they said in the last XX number of threads.  It's easier to choose posts that are enjoyable to read, have well-developed points of view that are politely expressed and a low drama quotient.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: POF on July 26, 2011, 12:11:50 PM
Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

For me, I think it's fine for an OP to uphold her opinion.  I don't think it's okay to change the scenario to try to convince others to change their opinion based on the OP.

I know I got caught in that once (that I remember, so probably more). But it really was just me not having enough information in the OP because I was trying to keep it shorter. I think if someone does it every time, or frequently it might be worth addressing, but sometimes it really is a situation of just not knowing what to include.

Ive done that, I tend to type quickly and then I realize that I really did not explain what had happened with enough detail.  I came back several hours later and updated with more info and was basically told I was just trying to garner sympathy / make my case.

I also think that people will disagree, no one will ever see things through the same window and it is counterproductive to dogpile and ceaselessly argue.

To the OP, I ask myself if we were in someone's living room in real life .. would I tell them that they should change how they speak ? That we would like their contribution better if they did X,Y,Z. Maybe, but I would probably do it privately.

Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: JoieGirl7 on July 26, 2011, 12:13:06 PM
A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.


On the other side of it, I don't really like it when someone posts just to relate an interesting etiquette-related experience and the first reply is "So what's your question?" I'm fairly sure you don't need to have a question to post, but maybe those kind of responses are why people feel they have to add that.


But then those should not be posted in the Life in General, Families and Children etc sections as I think those are specifically boards to ask.  Coffee Break folders and the Interesting Assumptions etc sections are for those without questions.

They can be.  There is no rule that you must ask a question on any of the boards.  As long as its on topic and isn't being posted to troll for inflammatory responses its fine.
 
And to answer the question in the OP, no, I don't think its OK to bring in a persons other posts to chastize them on their posting style.  It takes the thread off-topic, makes the OP feel defensive.  It's OK to point it out in the thread.
 
But, otherwise, its becomes a topic all on its own.

Also, I think its important that while people who start threads are told all the time that not everyone is going to agree with them, this advice should also be heeded by those who reponse--not all OPs are going to find your advice or what you have to say helpful.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Larrabee on July 26, 2011, 12:13:30 PM
A style that irks me is when a poster relates an incident in which he/she is treated with clear rudeness by someone else.  Then the poster describes how he/she rightly had a spine and responded in an etiquette-approved manner, and asks e-hellions "Was I rude?"  Makes me gnash my teeth.

To be clear, I'm not talking grey areas.  An example is when a poster is asked to do something outrageous and replies "I'm afraid that won't be possible," then looks for validation that he/she was not rude to respond like that.


On the other side of it, I don't really like it when someone posts just to relate an interesting etiquette-related experience and the first reply is "So what's your question?" I'm fairly sure you don't need to have a question to post, but maybe those kind of responses are why people feel they have to add that.


But then those should not be posted in the Life in General, Families and Children etc sections as I think those are specifically boards to ask.  Coffee Break folders and the Interesting Assumptions etc sections are for those without questions.

There was a thread or a post in the 'forum rules' section where the mods specified that it was ok to post in any of the etiquette folders even without a specific question.  I'll see if I can find it.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Zilla on July 26, 2011, 12:14:47 PM
I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

The problem lately seems to be if you disagree and post such thoughts, folks get in an uproar and then suddenly posters arent' here anymore.
My theory is if you don't like something and it's not illegal, immoral or fattening, skip over it.  We aren't required to read every thread on the forum.  There are some posts I don't read because of style, or because I already know what they're going to say: the same thing they said in the last XX number of threads.  It's easier to choose posts that are enjoyable to read, have well-developed points of view that are politely expressed and a low drama quotient.


Problem with skipping over is that you read a perfectly valid OP and respond in kind.  Then it starts to get derailed and you then know a bit too late to get out of it.  ;)  (that's when you add that poster to your list of whom to skip over in the future)
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on July 26, 2011, 12:48:13 PM
I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

But Flora, I don't have a problem with a person who presents an opinion, and there is some discussion, but the OP remains with their original position.  If the OP is polite about it, but says, "Well, I can see your point, but I still feel I am right." then I am fine.  It is when the OP (or even other posters) say inflammatory and dismissive statements: "I cannot believe that there are people who can even consider that I am wrong," that I have a problem.

And even when other details come up, how are they presented: "I'm sorry, I didn't think it would matter but I forgot to mention..." or "I am so upset, I am probably not being coherent here, but...." again, okay.  But the OP states that someone had a grimace on their face, only to escalate it to a grimace and obscene gesture, and then to obscene gestures and a fist being shaken, now you are just justifying your actions be exaggerating.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Flora Louise on July 27, 2011, 10:21:12 AM
I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

But Flora, I don't have a problem with a person who presents an opinion, and there is some discussion, but the OP remains with their original position.  If the OP is polite about it, but says, "Well, I can see your point, but I still feel I am right." then I am fine.  It is when the OP (or even other posters) say inflammatory and dismissive statements: "I cannot believe that there are people who can even consider that I am wrong," that I have a problem.

And even when other details come up, how are they presented: "I'm sorry, I didn't think it would matter but I forgot to mention..." or "I am so upset, I am probably not being coherent here, but...." again, okay.  But the OP states that someone had a grimace on their face, only to escalate it to a grimace and obscene gesture, and then to obscene gestures and a fist being shaken, now you are just justifying your actions be exaggerating.

I agree with this.

I would just like to submit one more idea, though.  Asking for advice does not obligate a poster to take advice.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Zilla on July 27, 2011, 10:42:45 AM

Well of course not and plus there is a wide range of advice given too.  I just think though if you have your mind set in the beginning and in the end, then don't post for it.  Post instead as an incident and put it in coffee break folder.







I also don't like the style when the OP clearly wants everyone to agree with them and gets very upset when the sympathy/explaining goes to the other person they are posting about.  Then all sorts of facts come out the person to sway the "favor' back to them and it still backfires. 


Another style that irks me is when they post asking for advice, but already had their mind made up and just wanted validation on the decision they already made prior to posting because it works for them.  Then why post in the first place?  If you already made the decision then post in the coffee break thread and post, "This is what happened, this is what I decided."

Well, OK, but aren't there two sides to that scenario? I know that I've posted things that I've been widely criticized for and I just remain unconvinced. I just disagree.

But Flora, I don't have a problem with a person who presents an opinion, and there is some discussion, but the OP remains with their original position.  If the OP is polite about it, but says, "Well, I can see your point, but I still feel I am right." then I am fine.  It is when the OP (or even other posters) say inflammatory and dismissive statements: "I cannot believe that there are people who can even consider that I am wrong," that I have a problem.

And even when other details come up, how are they presented: "I'm sorry, I didn't think it would matter but I forgot to mention..." or "I am so upset, I am probably not being coherent here, but...." again, okay.  But the OP states that someone had a grimace on their face, only to escalate it to a grimace and obscene gesture, and then to obscene gestures and a fist being shaken, now you are just justifying your actions be exaggerating.

I agree with this.

I would just like to submit one more idea, though.  Asking for advice does not obligate a poster to take advice.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: DottyG on July 28, 2011, 05:07:07 PM

Well of course not and plus there is a wide range of advice given too.  I just think though if you have your mind set in the beginning and in the end, then don't post for it.  Post instead as an incident and put it in coffee break folder.

I know what you're getting at.  And I agree.

Or, if you do want to ask for advice, you can say something like, "I think I might have already made my mind up on this issue; however, I want to get some other feedback to see if there's something I'm overlooking.  Maybe an outsider's perspective on this could sway my decision on how to react."  If a person approaches like that, I'm not sure I'd mind.  It could be that, having read other opinions, they decide that their way is really the way they want to do.  And that's fine.

Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: JoieGirl7 on July 28, 2011, 06:08:02 PM

Well of course not and plus there is a wide range of advice given too.  I just think though if you have your mind set in the beginning and in the end, then don't post for it.  Post instead as an incident and put it in coffee break folder.

But that's not what the Coffee Break folder is for.
 
People are fine to put their stories in the proper category on the main parts of the board and they don't have to have a question and they don't have to need advice.
 
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Allyson on July 29, 2011, 12:59:54 AM
I think there's a difference between not wanting to take *some* advice and not wanting to take *any* advice. I mean..if a poster asks at the end, "What should I do?" but it's obvious that they already have their mind made up, it can be frustrating. It really does seem like they were just posting to get the 'I'm right!' reaction...it seems even more so when they add even more details to try to convince people. Whereas, if someone posts for advice and a few people give really extreme reactions, I don't think it's a problem for a poster to be like 'whoa, too far'.

As for style..I've noticed lately a few newish (I think?) posters with really, really dramatic stories. A lot of them, in every thread they post in. It's a little difficult for me not to start wondering at the veracity of some of it, especially when they seem to meet *so* many people who treat them badly. I mean, I have no idea, all of it could be totally true, and I'm not sure if there's something in 'style' there that could change to make it seem a little less questionable. There are also lots of people who have a lot of odd encounters who I never question, so it might just be me!
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: JoieGirl7 on July 29, 2011, 01:02:55 AM
I think there is a lot to be said for thanking people for their responses.  Whether or not you find them helpful for not, if you did ask for advice, its always nice and polite to thank everyone.
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Allyson on July 29, 2011, 01:54:36 AM
Yeah..it's one of my peeves when someone will specifically go out of their way to only thank people who agree with them. It just seems so rude, like you're saying 'no thanks at all to those who don't agree with me!'
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: afbluebelle on July 29, 2011, 06:56:26 AM

As for style..I've noticed lately a few newish (I think?) posters with really, really dramatic stories. A lot of them, in every thread they post in. It's a little difficult for me not to start wondering at the veracity of some of it, especially when they seem to meet *so* many people who treat them badly. I mean, I have no idea, all of it could be totally true, and I'm not sure if there's something in 'style' there that could change to make it seem a little less questionable. There are also lots of people who have a lot of odd encounters who I never question, so it might just be me!

I know what you mean... I have had a couple of side eye reactions at times, but then step back and look at my own posts. I am sure a good number of them seem outlandish and hard to believe.  I can remember a really old one in particular that I debated not updating because the updates were clinically insane and I figured no one would believe me. But I couldn't keep the hilarity from the board, so I figured I would handle the fallout if someone thought I was exaggerating.

Found it! And people were asking for updates... too funny.  ;D

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=29767.0
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=41896.0

Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 29, 2011, 12:29:44 PM
I think there is a lot to be said for thanking people for their responses.  Whether or not you find them helpful for not, if you did ask for advice, its always nice and polite to thank everyone.

POD. I think this is also a good way for the OP to let people know if they're satisfied with the sort of responses they've gotten, or if they still have questions/concerns that no one has addressed. Start off with genuine thanks for people taking the time to respond, and then segue into something like, "Does anyone have further advice on what I should actually SAY the next time I see her? I'm still conflicted about this part."
Title: Re: Commenting on posting style?
Post by: Gabrielle on July 29, 2011, 07:18:11 PM

As for style..I've noticed lately a few newish (I think?) posters with really, really dramatic stories. A lot of them, in every thread they post in. It's a little difficult for me not to start wondering at the veracity of some of it, especially when they seem to meet *so* many people who treat them badly. I mean, I have no idea, all of it could be totally true, and I'm not sure if there's something in 'style' there that could change to make it seem a little less questionable. There are also lots of people who have a lot of odd encounters who I never question, so it might just be me!

I know what you mean... I have had a couple of side eye reactions at times, but then step back and look at my own posts. I am sure a good number of them seem outlandish and hard to believe.  I can remember a really old one in particular that I debated not updating because the updates were clinically insane and I figured no one would believe me. But I couldn't keep the hilarity from the board, so I figured I would handle the fallout if someone thought I was exaggerating.

Found it! And people were asking for updates... too funny.  ;D

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=29767.0
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=41896.0

I think that's the nature of the boards though. I'm not going to post a whole thread about the run of the mill guys who were threatening to me at work, or the lady who gave me a nasty glare in the street. In my head i've got this idea that an incident has to be interesting enough for the boards - so it's only the outlandish and unbelievable situations that make it here. And then of course there's that old saying that truth is stranger than fiction. When I write down all of the odd things about my family it does look like I'm making things up because it's SO unbelievable.