News: There is a new Ehell Kindness Project!  Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • May 29, 2016, 06:09:40 PM

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Family and Children / Re: Problems with SIL and our family unit
« Last post by TootsNYC on Today at 05:59:05 PM »
This is complex because of the Alzheimer's aspect. You don't mention how SIL knows MIL is paying for both of you or how she pays, or if MIL joins you in going out for dinner but can you stop the information train with respect to the annual birthday dinner? Instead of it being about both of you being covered, make it about the amount she decide years ago that she normally contributes for his birthday dinner. is; she established this precedent years ago and the amount is in keeping with what she declared she wanted to spend on his birthday. Whether is covers an extagagant dinner for him alone or something less so for both of you is not her affair.


It probably is her affair; she's on the checkbook, and she (not the OP's DH) has power of attorney.
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I like my drinks cold but donít have enough space to store in the fridge, so there's an ice tray in the freezer. I use a straw to drink so the ice donít get in the way or hurt my teeth.
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Family and Children / Re: Problems with SIL and our family unit
« Last post by TootsNYC on Today at 05:50:26 PM »
I totally get why you think each household (and not individual) should pay the same amount for the cleaning lady.

Because cleaning the bathroom of two people's accumulated "grime" is really no more work than cleaning it from one person. It doesn't take longer to wipe down the sink when 2 people have been using it than when only 1 has. Maybe when you get up to 4...
   And one of the reasons you get married is to combine expenses.

(it reminds me of the laundry frustration I have in my co-op. All expenses are covered on a per-load basis. But the rental of the machine isn't charged per load, the way electricity is. That cost will be the same whether I do laundry or not--and when other people do less laundry, they want to charge me more. I truly believe it would be fairer to split the rental between evenly between households.)

I guess the big problem is, are you thinking of SIL as "part of MIL's household," or "her own household." She doesn't live downstairs w/ MIL. So she's in your household, and she's thinking of herself as a roommate to 2 other people.

I don't know if you'll ever get her to see it that way--a couple of people here don't see it that way. But I can see why you do.

perhaps your only argument is: Because this involves money, it's a business matter. You and your DH are legally a single business entity--it's a matter, actually of contract law. And so you pay from your household.
   When you were splitting it with MIL, you didn't pay per-person; you paid per-household, and that's the way it should continue. Since she is not in your household (not being married to either of your, nor your dependent child), and she is not in MIL's household (not living downstairs with her), she is her own business entity.

Now--if the price went up because the third person joined, then your supplier is essentially charging you a per-person rate, and I would say it should be divided on that basis.

But what we all think (which, as I noted, is not all the same anyway) doesn't matter; you can know that some people agree with you, but that's not going to help you.

CAME BACK TO SAY:  I see that she uses the bathroom upstairs--not the master bath (which you and DH use), but the main one. Which normally you and DH don't use. You certainly don't shower there. Your guests may use it, but hers would too.
   That might be one way to frame the cleaning fees as 1/3 hers. She uses 1/3 of the bathrooms in the house. MIL & caregiver use the downstairs bath; you and DH use the master bath, and SIL uses the upstairs main bathroom. That's an indicator of the fact that you and DH are a unit (you share a bathroom, which is the same to clean w/ 2 people as with 1).


AND MORE TO ADD:  Here's how the kitchen ends up being household and not individual: If you cook a meal for you and DH, you dirty one pan for two meals. Sure, two place settings--but only one frying pan, only one saucepan. Leftovers go in one container, not two.
   To me that's proof that a household ought to be able to count as a single expense. Inside that household unit, who contributes what is a private matter.

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I ordered the kit today from Ancestry. It may not answer all my questions, but hopefully it'll point me in the right direction.

And coincidentally, just after I first posted in here, I got a message from a fifth or sixth cousin about a common ancestor.
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I'd be tempted to give your youngest a notebook full of the absolute hardest math problems.  If she starts in on him, he can tell her he needs help with his homework.  Give her a pencil and let her go at it.

*snork*  She wouldn't even recognize what I could come up with even as math, let alone know how to solve the problems.  I know I can get both the standard and greek alphabets into a single problem that my youngest would understand.  They're still pretty basic, but some variables are just always stated using greek letters.  That could be fun.  Tempting.  Very tempting.  But I am trying to keep Evil and Snarky caged for this wedding, so I probably shouldn't let them out to play even a little bit.

Yes but Evils and Snarkys need to be exercised on occasion or they'll never settle down and sleep in their crates...
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Thank you, Surianne. A very clear rendering of the situation.

Thanks you to everyone else. Lots of viewpoints to consider.

My friend who has confirmed to me that she can see the lady in question has said the lady seems quite "odd". As my friend never says anything less than sweet about anyone I am thinking this might be no bad thing. Certainly I don't want to be pushing something I think is high value on someone who thinks being invited is an intrusion or an imposition. I still see her behaviour as the equivalent as the cut direct in a clubhouse, but I have run out of interest for her now. Thanks for helping me process. Emotional disengagement is the best place to be with these things.
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Humor Me! / Re: Kids say the funniest things
« Last post by Kimblee on Today at 05:30:20 PM »
BG: Princess Parrot has had a substitute teacher for the past six weeks, as her regular teacher has been ill. Regular Teacher is back now, but is job-sharing with Substitute till the end of the term. end BG.
Me, to Princess Parrot: "Oh, Regular Teacher is back!"

Princess Parrot: "Yay! She's awesome!"

Me: "Yes, but Substitute will be there a couple of days a week too."

Princess Parrot: "Oh good! That's so good! Regular Teacher is awesome, but Substitute understands Tuesdays."

I still have no idea why Tuesdays need deeper understanding, but it made me laugh a lot!

Tuesdays are the worst day of the week. Bad things happen on Tuesdays and they should be treated with caution and observed from a distance.

It is known.
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I am a group page admin on a few groups, and it would get the person removed from the group if they blocked one of the admins.

I think that's a good rule to have but it's not relevant to this particular situation. The OP isn't an admin. She's a regular member who came on a little strong and another member decided to block her.
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Life...in general / Re: You blocked me on Facebook but this is real life
« Last post by DanaJ on Today at 05:17:20 PM »
What do you mean? If she knows this her name and what she looks like (assuming her profile pic is of her), it's quite easy to find people, especially if you happen to have friends in common.

That's actually a quite common thing... "are you on fb?" "Yes I am!" "Ok I'll find you can send you a message/friend you/whatever."

But in your example there is a discussion going on about whether it's okay to do so and the option still exists for the other person to say "Actually, I use FB for friends and family only. If you could bring me a printout for the next meeting, that would be great."

Just because someone is on FB, it doesn't give the rest of the world carte-blanche to add them to groups without explicitly asking them first.
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I think the seating arrangement at my wedding was just unspoken tradition of "parents sit here and here, and save the next row for the siblings"

What a great update, though! Sure, Diane is a problem and didn't magically turn nice, but BF's daughters sound lovely, and in the midst of so many clueless SOs who are incapable of "seeing" bad behavior from their families, your BF truly saw it, and took action right away. He sounds like a keeper (actually, he's sounded like a keeper from many other posts and threads... this one just adds to the evidence).

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