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  • November 23, 2017, 04:29:18 PM

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I think it'll be nice to have cake for a regular member on a milestone birthday. But to me, the OP may not feel comfortable to have a birthday celebration (even a small one) for a substitute player when nothing was ever done for regular members.

I think my difficulty here is that we're talking about *adults*! Perhaps it is a cultural thing (I do get the sense from E-Hell that Americans are...I don't know how to put it right...if I say "precious about their birthdays" I don't mean that in a bad or insulting way. There just seems to be much more of an expectation that you are somehow "special" on your birthday and deserve to be "honoured" in some way). It just isn't like that in the UK, for the most part. When its your birthday, its your job to buy cakes for the office, or a round of drinks at the pub, and that's pretty much it! So to me, from the culture I grew up in, what the sub and/or her husband are doing is just perfectly normal, and a nice gesture, and I can't get my head around the idea that the other members of the group are going to somehow be "put out" that "well, it was MY birthday last month, and nobody honoured ME". Really? Is that something that honestly would happen - among adult women? I think if anyone said such a thing among my group of friends, we'd simply fall about laughing.
I don't see anyone trying to make the OP feel guilty.  Even those of us who don't think this request is a big deal at all,  have agreed she can host however she pleases,  to include not having a birthday cake. 

But honestly,  the level of anxiety and projection of where it would lead,  is quite amazing.  And it's not healthy,  IMO, to allow simple requests to cause this much worry. It is almost impossible for this one cake to bring down this entire bunco group and ruin friendships.  And I can't,  in good faith,  ever give someone advice (even in the virtual world) where I would validate unrealistic fears. 

If the OP doesn't want to serve cake,  then she doesn't have to.  But this request is not some precedent setting catalyst that will lock future hosts into making very special and specific cakes every month,  force recognition on people who don't want it, and make everyone jealous and put out. It just won't.  And I can't (won't) pretend that those fears are legitimately possible,  even in the name of support.
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re:
« Last post by #borecore on Today at 03:04:34 PM »
If the price of jewelry seems too good to be true, it probably is. This has been true of my other Overstock purchases (never jewelry, though).

Possibly useless anecdote: I bought a diamond band on Amazon and despite beautiful pictures, the quality was seriously subpar. The 'glittery' quality of the small diamonds online was not evident even when brand-new, although they were not horrible, just incredibly small diamond chips and thus lacking sparkle. Within a year of regular wear, it was very scratched up and dingy because the metal was of poor quality and thinner than anticipated. I have gift shop rings that have held up much better.
I see both sides as well -- that it is a nice gesture but could be detrimental to the group dynamic, especially since of all birthdays to finally recognize at one of the bunco gatherings, it's not even that of a regular attendee.  I was once temping for a small dept, and the father of one of the employees died.  My experience with previous employers was that we sent something to offer our condolences so I asked my supervisor (the dept manager) if we should send flowers.  He said that would be fine so we did on behalf of the dept and let the other employees know.  Shortly after I sent that e-mail, one of the other dept employees (who was married to a fellow dept employee) contacted me very upset that one employee's father's death was recognized but when her husband's father died the previous year, no one did anything.  I felt bad but wasn't working for the company at that time so there's no way I would've known unless someone had told me in advance.  I told my supervisor about the e-mail, and he said that that is why he doesn't advocate doing these kinds of nice gestures -- because, often, someone else gets offended (it would've been nice if he'd told me beforehand when I'd asked that another employee's father had died the previous year with no condolences offered by the dept; I wouldn't have sent the flowers then).

Anyway (yes, based on my previous experience), I don't think the OP is overreacting.  I could see experiencing her quandary as well because it's something you feel like you should say yes to but don't want to for reasons that are valid and are very important to you.  I do think a few posters are being rather harsh towards the OP (and there's definitely some "pot calling the kettle black here" -- I've seen previous threads from some who have indicated concerns that are a huge deal to them that just about everyone else thought were non-issues and OTT reactions from the originating posters).

Also, isn't the advice here for a continuing situation to "start as you mean to go on?"  With that in mind, it would behoove the OP not to celebrate this birthday at one of the regular bunco gatherings unless she's okay with dealing with possible repercussions later on.  As someone else stated, the OP knows the dynamic of her group.  If she doesn't feel it would go over well with the group to do it this once (and for a sub) then not want to do it again, then she has a valid concern.
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Special Snowflakes Redux - play nice!
« Last post by HannahGrace on Today at 02:41:13 PM »
But there’s no reason any of that needed to happen with the door open into another spot. I would have been annoyed at the dramatics.
Chiming in to say you're ALL wrong. Clearly the One True Reason topics get heated are that not everyone is ME and thus don't have the benefit of my perfect opinions on everything. Obviously anyone who thinks something different is an idiot.

 :P :P :P :P :P

LOD!!  😂

I did this to a friend the other day. We were talking about all the ways to cook turkey for Thanksgiving.  I posted how we do it and added “ you know the Right way!!”  She knew I was joking, but several others didn’t and she had to intervene before comments got ugly.
DS is getting 2 big Lego sets.  A couple movies he requested (The Dark Crystal and Neverending Story) and a couple requested books

Hubby has some items he needed that I ordered (new hoodie, beard balm and wallet)

We usually draw names for hubby’s family, so not sure yet, depends on who we draw. My one SIL has been wanting a milk frothing machine. One nephew collects specialized tools for his job - so Home Depot gift card. May do a personalized art piece with pictures

If we only do the kiddos then I’ll do age appropriate Lego sets.
I think that it is a nice gesture - but I can also see that it could be construed as taking control away from the group leaders & regular membership, even for a little while.  It is up to the group leaders (OP and the other person who was not named) to decide if giving up the control over "no birthdays, period" is worth the potential of loosing control (next time someone's husband brings over a cake AND a present for his wife, then someone wants to bring a present for so & so because the bunco night is the first time they'll see another member, and eventually bunco becomes a place to bring things that you forgot to give someone another day or at coffee the week before and bunco takes last place...

And possibly a few people start skipping it without notice because they are tired of the concentration & focus not being on wine, dessert, conversation, and bunco - but on conversation about birthdays and cake and...whatever tangent things go off on.  Because if the drift away from bunco starts - it can end up causing the group to break up...not this week and maybe not even the same year....but I've seen a couple of *forcus* groups break up completely when the focus activity had competing activities added to the mix - and people's attention drifted away from the original focus (book club, embroidery club, sewing group, card games, etc.).

I see it as a legitimate concern *for the organizer(s)* to consider - even if the rank & file might not notice if something happens just once in a while...because it has happened before, in groups that I attended.
I admit it's really hard for me to relate to this one because my reaction would pretty much be the exact opposite - oh, that's on your wife's birthday? And you'd like to drop off a cake as a surprise for her? What a lovely gesture to your wife and how kind of you to provide us all with dessert. Of course, I'll be very happy to help you with that.

I would not worry that it set some sort of expectation or precedent. I would make sure to give her husband credit for providing cake and assume everyone present can grasp that it's a one-off because bunco night occurred on her actual birthday and her husband thoughtfully provided a cake. This is HIS gesture, not mine.

I would, frankly, feel rather ungracious about saying no.


Yep. Me too.
I have about 10 women to give to (SIL's, nieces, mom, friends) and about 10 men, a lot of little ones, and then my immediate family - oh, and a few scout leader/teacher/coach gifts to come up with.  None of these can be very expensive (except for my children) so I try to get sales.  Last year most of the women got home made aprons and the men got home made cookies.

This year I'm thinking socks, really nice ones, wool if I can get a great deal on them for the adults.  The little ones will get an age appropriate book or toy.  If I get around to it, I'm hoping to make a little goodie to go into the socks! 
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