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Life...in general / Re: Cancelling a party
« Last post by RainyDays on Today at 11:44:43 AM »
I would decline the birthday (Sorry, we're not going to make. Hope it's a great time!) and then just call MIL and the tentative couple to let them know the party is cancelled. I wouldn't do a mass announcement to people who did not rsvp.

This reminds me of another thread where the original party location changed, and the host wanted to know if she should let non-rsvpers know. The consensus was no.
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Life...in general / Re: Someone oversteps; how do you respond?
« Last post by bloo on Today at 11:41:47 AM »
I'm very non-confrontational, so my general choice would be to just let it go. Which I do. The only time I will say something, which isn't often, is if I'm in a hurry, or the offender is particularly egregious.  However,   one time I actually was assertive, and said something, I was in the wrong.

I was at the grocery store one night after work, had a very bad day, and was tired. there was, if I recall, a teenage girl ahead of me in line, and then me. Her stuff was on the belt, and being rung; mine was also on the belt.

Then a man came up, got in front of me, and put his stuff down. For a second I didn't know how to react, then politely said something about there being a line. Well, turns out he was with the girl in front of me, and said so. Oops. I was a bit embarassed, but, he had just put his things down, and stood there. He didn't acknowledge her at all, so I had no way of knowing they were together. Once he pointed that out, I apologized, and wished the cashier to hurry and finish rining them! He was gracious about it, but still. I was embarassed.

I'd like to point out that you still did the right thing, IMO. You really have no need to feel embarrassed and I hope this doesn't put you off to speaking up in the future!

You see, in those circumstances I would have smiled and explained to you that I was with the girl in front of you before silently cutting and dumping my stuff on the counter. He was totally in the wrong.

Next time respond with a wink and a smile and a, "Oh. Then I'll allow you to cut!"  ;D
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The OP has also stated that this doesn't happen frequently and that she's not willing to label it abuse. If she, the person who knows her friend and situation the best, does not think we should go in that direction, I think her wishes should be respected.

It has also been stated that the behavior is the social custom amongst her religious group and she seems to have a support system there. The husband is also not "forbidding" her from socializing outside the confines of the social circle he has established since the OP states they do socialize and maintain a friendship.

I can't speak for everyone, but my point in mentioning "abusive relationship" was not to argue whether or not we can all agree that this one is.  Whether everyone agrees that it is or isn't does not change my perspective that it is not a relationship dynamic that I would want any part of, especially because it affects me (if I were the OP).  I don't think it makes sense to continually argue that this is *not* an abusive relationship either - it doesn't really matter to the analysis, at least for most if not all of us.  What matters is that some of us would not be able to be friends with someone who had such a relationship for philosophical reasons and because the relationship dynamic affects us.
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Family and Children / Re: Not Inviting Sister
« Last post by wolfie on Today at 11:40:50 AM »
I think it all depends on how much of a relationship you want with your sister going forward. If you think you just need some time and then you will have some relationship (even if not close) then I would suck it up and invite her and just hope you don't have to interact with her a lot. If you think cutting her off for a long time (say years) sounds good then leave her off the guest list.
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Life...in general / Cancelling a party
« Last post by YoAdrian on Today at 11:39:05 AM »
DH and I planned to host a big BBQ in August, and the RSVP date is tomorrow. At this time, only one person (MIL) has confirmed, and one couple is a very tentative maybe (and about 6 couples said no). So, taking advice from this related thread (http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=132052.0), I was planning to cancel the party, but invite MIL and the other couple over for lunch instead.

I have two outstanding questions. First, do I have an obligation to try to get an RSVP out of the 15 guests who haven't responded before cancelling the party? Invites went out via email 2 weeks ago, and I can see that the guests have all viewed the invitation.

Second, one of our invitees, "Jen," just sent us (and about 7 of our guests) an invitation to her kids' party the same day/time. (Neither Jen nor any of the mutual friends have RSVP'd one way or the other to our BBQ.) What's the best way to decline her invitation -- before or after cancelling our own party? I just don't know what to say! "We're cancelling the BBQ, but we have other plans, so we can't make your party"? Or "We can't make it, because we're having a BBQ that day. (Next day) Oh, by the way, we're cancelling the BBQ." Ugh!
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Quote
I'm kind of torn here.  I tend to think of "iced tea" as being correct because there is tea and it has been iced.  And "whipped cream" is correct because there is cream and it has been whipped.  But "ice cream" isn't cream that has been iced, so leaving off the "d" seems more okay to me.  I think of it more as ice that has been creamed (with milk, etc, added to it).  "Cream of ice", if you will.  But you could see it the other way around, I suppose.  :D
It is interesting as I would think ice that was creamed was more like a smoothie as ice cream doesn't have ice in it like the iced tea but is cooled over ice (at least traditionally) so maybe it should be iced cream.  In my area ice tea doesn't really mean tea with ice it refers to a drink flavour (that doesn't really even taste like tea like the US stuff does).  For some of these things I think they just become product names and aren't mean to be grammatically correct.  Like the drive-thru example that is only used commercially, almost like a brand name.
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That is very obnoxious.

My new work computer's displays suddenly went black and flashed the boot sequence. IT found login attempts every minute from a remote location. Grr.
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Family and Children / Re: Not Inviting Sister
« Last post by Lynn2000 on Today at 11:34:07 AM »
Yeah, that's awkward. It sounds like you're bringing the kids back to your hometown where a lot of relatives are, but then pointedly not inviting your sister, but still including her (nearly ex) husband and their child. I completely understand why you're mad at her and of course you don't want to punish Jake and niece for their mother's behavior. It does send a very strong message to your sister, especially since the party is being held so close to her geographically and includes her other family members. But, given how you've described her so far, I'm not sure she would really get the message you may intend--it sounds like she would just be more hurt, pull away from you more, and perhaps lengthen the time it takes for you two to repair your relationship (which one hopes will eventually happen).

So my question is, what do you hope to gain from not inviting her? What do you think the expected outcome will be?

If you're mad at her and just want to hurt her, I don't think that's something I can endorse. I completely understand the impulse, of course. If it was something like, she has a tendency to get drunk and behave badly at family gatherings, I would say it's perfectly fine to exclude her, for the sake of everyone else in attendance. But if you don't think there will be any problem with her behavior at the party, I think it would be taking the high road to invite her, and give her the opportunity to see her niece and nephew as well as other family. You don't have to get drawn into a conversation with her--surely with two small kids and lots of relatives to talk to, you will be quite busy and have time to be only coolly polite to her. It's not an appropriate place for a deep conversation or discussion of her problems at all, so if she starts in with that you can feel free to redirect her.

My advice here is to think of the long term. If you think you will eventually move past this hurt, then excluding her from this family party will only cause unnecessary pain. On the other hand, if you are planning to cut her from your life for the foreseeable future, like years and years, begin as you mean to go on and don't invite her. I think something like, "You know, I just don't want to get into that here. Did you see the cute fingerpainting DS did?" might work.
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Life...in general / Re: Friend's Husband "Giving Permission" - Response?
« Last post by nuit93 on Today at 11:33:33 AM »
Personally, I have no time for the idea that the subjugation and abuse of women can be okay because "It's religion".

POD!

I absolutely agree.
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Family and Children / Re: Not Inviting Sister
« Last post by takeheart on Today at 11:33:27 AM »
I think it is a bit odd to invite your soon to be ex-bil to a family party and not your sister.
I would either invite sister or not invite her soon to be ex and kids. It is quite a deliberate snub to invite every other member of her family on bith sides and not her.
You do not need to chat much if invited just
" Oh hi isn't is amazing the kids are 3 and 1 kids grow up so fast!! Well I have to go check on the cake..."

Jake has been best friends with DH since DH was 19, so 10+ years and before Jake had even met Liz, which is why he is invited and we're still close with Jake.

Who has the kids on the day of the party?  That would influence my decision a bit.  If Jake has both kids, no problem, invite Jake and don't invite sister.  But if sister has their daughter that day, it would be kind of tough not to invite her but get Jake to bring your neice.

'Sister made her choice.  We've accepted it.  Bean dip?'

If you are interested in maintaining the relationship, I might try to meet up with sister another day

I didn't consider that. Home state doesn't recognize legal separation and their divorce won't be finalized by then, so I don't know regarding who will have custody.
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