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  • August 04, 2015, 07:10:48 PM

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Family and Children / Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Last post by bah12 on Today at 06:37:03 PM »
It's not just the OP's birthday she's celebrating. There are three birthdays in August and they made plans on the only day they're all available to celebrate all three during a very intensive course.

I very much get the impression her in laws regard her as an afterthought in that case.

The OP's initial party commitment isn't just for her birthday, it's for two other birthdays. I may be extrapolating here, but her in laws won't accept any compromise.

My personal opinion is that her husband should stay full time at the wedding, but he should spend the next day (her actual birthday) with her, going through with their previous plans.

I've had two birthdays with ruined plans and they were handled very differently. Sadly, it's my immediate family who dropped the ball on a huge landmark (at least they didn't force me to attend the event they ditched me for), but the other involved my DH's childhood friends. And after I strictly instructed him not to mention it was my birthday, one of them remembered and passed it around the group and I got a surprise birthday cake.

I also got thanks for ditching my original plans and generally a huge amount of love and appreciation.

I didn't make a fuss either time; in fact in the latter case I banned DH from mentioning it at all. But I had a valuable lesson in the difference between caring about appearances and caring about people.

I think we all get that.  At least I do.  What I'm trying to communicate is that MIL doesn't necessarily get that, and I'm not sure it's fair to say that she should have understood that at the outset. I'm not sure how well the communication is happening here, but I can completely understand a scenario where the wedding date was changed without thinking that the OP would have already made unchangeable birthday plans and where they wouldn't understand why they were unchangeable (exam...yes.  Birthday drinks...no).

The OP has also said that she wants to celebrate her birthday the way she planned.  And that's completely valid. But, if that's how she communicated it to her IL's, I can see them thinking that this is all about her and not about the two friends she's coordinating with.  Also, when it comes to family, I would be hard pressed to put a birthday party of friends (regardless of how hard in the month of the birthdays it is to schedule) ahead of a family member's wedding.  While I can accept that not everyone puts that same level of importance on familial relationships, if MIL/SIL do, then I can understand their annoyance that OP would forgo part of a wedding to go have drinks with friends, even if it is the month of their collective birthdays.  And I can even understand their confusion when after she forgoes part of the wedding, she doesn't want to attend events the following day because "that's her actual birthday."

This could very well be an issue with communcation, but it seems it's more an issue with relationship, values, etc. Not one is more valid than the other, but they are different.  Perhaps the OP could try to calmly explain where she's coming from if she thinks it might help, and that might lend the family to more understanding of her position.  However, at this point, I highly doubt it.  The OP now needs to just stick with the decision she has made, enjoy her birthday as much as possible, and allow the relationship to fallout as it does. She doesn't need to listen to any guilt trips before or after the wedding.  She can ignore.  And she can lean on her husband to support her decision, just as she should support his. 
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Family and Children / Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Last post by shhh its me on Today at 06:13:39 PM »
Does it matter what the OP's prior plans were or how far in advance they were made? They existed prior to the change of wedding date.

From a strictly etiquette standpoint...no.  From a relationship one, I would say yes.  Missing a wedding of a family member or close friend is a big deal for a lot of people.  When trying to assess reasonableness of hurt/confused/angery feelings and relationship struggles that would result, the 'excuse' very much matters.

I keep having a vague recollection that there are rules about when to invite someone to different events , maybe I'm just making this up in my imagination?

So the rules I may have made up or read somewhere....

Weddings/Big anniversaries/Graduations   6-8 weeks
Milestone Bdays /holiday parties               4-6 weeks
Bdays                                                      2-4 weeks
Dinner parties/BBQ                                      2 weeks
Come to the movies/lunch                       1-2 weeks

You tell VIPs in advance and the host knows the date in advance. If think that may be part of the disconnect , I don't think in general its expected that the majority of people have a Bday party planned in stone 90 days in advance.  I understand why OP did , she has a super busy schedule and 2 friend also having a 30th on the same weekend ? month.
13
She'd make a freight train take a dirt road = Very ugly or mean person.
14
Family and Children / Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Last post by Fi on Today at 06:10:49 PM »
It's not just the OP's birthday she's celebrating. There are three birthdays in August and they made plans on the only day they're all available to celebrate all three during a very intensive course.

I very much get the impression her in laws regard her as an afterthought in that case.

The OP's initial party commitment isn't just for her birthday, it's for two other birthdays. I may be extrapolating here, but her in laws won't accept any compromise.

My personal opinion is that her husband should stay full time at the wedding, but he should spend the next day (her actual birthday) with her, going through with their previous plans.

I've had two birthdays with ruined plans and they were handled very differently. Sadly, it's my immediate family who dropped the ball on a huge landmark (at least they didn't force me to attend the event they ditched me for), but the other involved my DH's childhood friends. And after I strictly instructed him not to mention it was my birthday, one of them remembered and passed it around the group and I got a surprise birthday cake.

I also got thanks for ditching my original plans and generally a huge amount of love and appreciation.

I didn't make a fuss either time; in fact in the latter case I banned DH from mentioning it at all. But I had a valuable lesson in the difference between caring about appearances and caring about people.
15
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Last post by Dazi on Today at 06:06:09 PM »
I was just downstairs @ work and ran into a neighbor who was filling me in on something that I suspect will result in PD.

The county just repaved the streets in my neighborhood. Good work, looks nice, was overdue. But apparently the crew boss is a bit of a jerk. Scratch that: A raging jerk.

One of my very sweet neighbors, "Joe," owns the vacant lot next to his house. He also owns a plumbing business. From time to time, he will bring the vans from the plumbing business to have them detailed/paint touched up, and park them on the vacant lot. There's plenty of room - it's a big lot and he only has 7 vans or so.

The county had been staging its paving equipment from that lot. I assumed that they had Joe's permission. Apparently not. Joe, being a nice and unassuming guy, didn't say anything until last week, when he needed to park the vans there. He asked them to keep a section of the lot clear so that he could get the vans in and have room to park. He wasn't even saying "keep your equipment off my lot," just that they were to leave a section of the lot free.

The crew boss went off on him. Said he'd park his equipment anywhere he *&*% pleased. That he had "right of way" (he does not) and ... oh, a bunch of other things (I didn't get the full details from my neighbor but apparently the conversation was extended, quite loud and markedly profane). Joe, who is normally mild-mannered, did give as good as he got. But he's got a little more left to give.

See, Joe is one of those guys who, come election time, has a yard full of candidate signs. He's on first-name basis with several local politicians. If the crew boss had been paying attention to the name on those vans, he would have realized that Joe was probably really connected and, well, not the kind of person to cross, particularly since Joe had been perfectly accommodating right up to the point where he needed to use a portion of his own property.

I, for one, am verrrry interested to see what's going to happen next.

CRUD MONKEYS!!  That is the funniest thing I've read all day.
16
Family and Children / Re: Wedding and Milestone Birthday Dilemma
« Last post by nolechica on Today at 06:03:25 PM »
It seems to me that MIL is more concerned with keeping up appearances than the effects of doing that.  Not sure about the OP, but I needed decompression time after finals.  I might be somewhere physically, but mentally still going over known mistakes or essay answers.  Fortunately, my family gets that school/work trump family togetherness.  I would skip the present opening for brunch too, but then I have no poker face when mad.
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Par-Tay! / Re: Gift opening parties
« Last post by Just Lori on Today at 06:03:13 PM »
I've been to a few, but only when I was very close to the bride and groom. In my experience, the we gathered for a nice brunch and socializing while the happy couple opened their gifts nearby. Nobody was sitting and watching the couple open gifts for a couple of hours, but there were occasional oohs and aahs as people took a closer look at some of the handmade or unique gifts. I personally loved it, because we were able to extend time with the family and the happy couple, and we saw some of the nice gifts they received.

Now, if we were all expected to sit in a circle around the happy couple for a couple of hours while they opened presents, I might not be so interested.
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Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Last post by nuit93 on Today at 06:00:49 PM »
We have beer festivals and others of the type that don't have a 21+ policy. This seems ill thought, at least without marketing it as an adult only event.

Has this event happened before?

If it's anything like the various wine and beer festivals here in SoCal, all of the advertising is clear that it is 21+. I'm sure that people still try to bring their kids. Every ad and poster could say "No One Under 21 Admitted -- No Exceptions!!!!" in 72-point type and people would still ignore it.

I've seen that in WA too.  People don't seem to get that babes-in-arms are not an exception to state law.
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Par-Tay! / Re: Gift opening parties
« Last post by shortstuff on Today at 05:56:54 PM »
I've never really heard of it either.  The day after brunch, sure.  I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where we gathered the next day and went through pictures together.  It was really nice, but the focus was to just relax (finally!) and enjoy each other's company.  That was the point of the party, so there was no need to call it anything else. 

I might be biased, though, because I live in an area where the wedding-industrial complex has run wild, so weddings around here have already had at least one shower, or gifts mailed directly to the couple.  This area is also big on "cover your plate," as opposed to gifts anyway.  I've never seen gifts at a wedding; instead around here, we have highly decorated 'card boxes' so no one has to carry an envelope around all night. 
20
Life...in general / Re: Gym manager ignores own childcare policy
« Last post by JeanFromBNA on Today at 05:52:39 PM »
UPDATE: Well, I tried to approach Ned in person this week, which did not go well. You could tell he knew where I was going with the conversation as soon as I said, "I've noticed that Jr. spends a lot of time in the training room." He sort of launched into a defensive mode, "Yeah, Jr. feels really at home here and everybody loves the little guy." I could be reading too much into it, but it was a very strange conversational "gambit" like he was trying to cut me off with peer pressure.

I detailed what happened in the training room, that this has become a regular occurrence, that I was concerned for Jr.'s safety and that I don't pay $xxx per month in addition to my membership fees to have to dodge a small child during my sessions. Ned said he "guessed" he could keep Jr. out of the training room while I was in there. I noted that it wasn't just MY sessions I was concerned with, as that wouldn't address the safety issue. I then noted that the gym has a great, safe childcare facility available and a strict childcare policy. Ned made a sort of "sour face" at me, and said, "Yeah, I'll think about it" and  suddenly turned as someone else came in and started a conversation with them on some pressing matter.

So that was the end of that. I didn't bring up being repaid for my interrupted training sessions because I was afraid it would negatively impact my trainer. So I sent the email posted earlier in the thread to the management, noting that the child is Ned's. I haven't heard back.

This is the attitude of the typical SS parent. Unless upper management/owner is responsive and deals with this situation, the OP will probably need to find another gym.

I saw a sign the other day that read, "Jesus loves you.  Everyone else thinks you're a jerk."
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