BG: For all of the time DH and I have been married, we've lived near his family. Bro lives here too as does all of his wife's family. My parents recently relocated here. Bro always alternated big holidays on a schedule his wife's family already had and as we had not had a schedule before, it worked for us as well. DH's brother usually spends holidays with his in laws, but there isn't a schedule. End BG.
We never covered minor holidays/birthdays. Mainly because no one could afford to fly home for every holiday/birthday. My last milestone birthday my mom insisted on throwing a dinner party with my brother's family and all of the in laws and afterwards agreed that it may not have been the best idea. Long story short-in laws ate plenty of the awesome beef and birthday girl mostly filled up with other stuff. Apparently no one learned from this.
My parents want everything to be fair. They don't want to be seen as taking over now that they're here. I tried explaining that we do our own thing for Mother's Day. That its up to DH to organize something with his mom. I bought the cards, but I'm not doing everything else. I invited my parents over for dinner. That is what I wanted to do on Mother's Day as we hadn't spent one together since I became a mom. Bro spent the day honoring his wife. Worked for us. DH's brother went to his ILs. My parents were pressuring me to invite the ILs, and last minute DH felt bad and rather than arranging something else with his mom they came to dinner.
I'm sure they'll all tell you it was fine. It was not. DH's stressed out about the grilling. His dad disappeared to watch sports, only appearing to complain that dinner wasn't ready. MIL and mom spent the whole time talking to each other. They did spend time with DD too as did my Dad. With the exception of sitting down to eat, I spent the entire time doing dishes. Washing up from the prepping and marinating, and later cleaning up the serving dishes and dinner. No one offered to help.
I told mom we get a do over as I didn't get to spend any time with her. I told DH that the next BBQ with family was hot dogs and hamburgers as no one in his family appreciates it when he goes gourmet. We don't spend all holidays and birthdays with the in laws and I don't feel that I need to now that mom and dad are here. There's a reason we haven't spent the last three mother's days together. I also changed Fathers Day as well so it was fair to DH too. How do I get mom and Dad to realize that everything doesn't have to be even/fair?