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  • March 31, 2015, 09:17:59 PM

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I've talked about this in another thread, but it does bear repeating.  It's a story about not counting your chickens before they hatch.

I had two interviews with a company that I really wanted to work for.  BOTH interviews were so perfect I still can't believe it.  I was articulate, appropriately funny, witty, intelligent, and everything I said was met with smiles, nodding and different people saying, "Exactly!  You are so right!  You are such a great match for this place."

They said they'd be in touch, SOON.  I was so confident I bought a couple of new suits, and couldn't stop smiling.  I was already out of work, so at least I didn't make the mistake of quitting a current job.

You know what happened?  I never.heard.from.them.again. Nada.  I'd still love to know why they couldn't be bothered with telling me they hired someone else.

Everyone tells me that I dodged a bullet, because really, who wants to work for a company that would do this?  I still wonder, though.
Family and Children / Re: Can't you bathe your kids at your own house?
« Last post by bah12 on Today at 07:05:40 PM »
The whole bath/shower thing seems totally normal to me.  My sister and I live half an hour apart and we've done this at each others' houses for years.  As for "can kids skip a bath for a night?" question...yes, they can.  DD skips baths more often than I like to admit.  But sometimes she can't skip it, because she's filthy and the idea of putting her to bed that dirty is just gross.  And I also understand that "once they wake up, they're up" argument.  Because it is true.  If I want to visit with someone and it requires me to give up 15 minutes so they can get their kid ready for bed, then I'm willing to do it.  This is one of those things that you do for family and friends because spending time with them is worth making some concessions to accommodate things they can't get away with not doing.  I wouldn't tell my sister she can't come over just because if she does, that means that she'll give three of the kids a bath before she drives home.

Anyway, as for the situation in the OP, it seems that it would be helpful to know why it bothers her.  Is it because they never asked? They should have. Is it because they leave a mess? They should clean it.  Is it because she thinks it takes time away from her? She likely gets more time with them because of this arrangment.  Or is it because she has issues with them and she's not used to this dynamic it bothers her?  Because that one is harder to fix. 

The problem is that this wasn't a big deal the first time and now it's happened twice more.  There's an unsaid expectation that this is ok.  And if it's not ok, then the OP needs to say something.  To me, it would be odd to tell a family member that they can't bathe their kids in my house unless I had a good reason...because I honestly can't understand why someone would have an issue with letting their young neice or nephew take a bath if it means they get to visit, don't have to leave early, can get a good night's rest, etc.  To me, it would be like telling a guest that if their young child falls asleep, they can't put them down in another room.  If the issue is that they didn't ask or they leave a mess or they take too long, etc...these can be addressed specifically.  If it's just for the principle of not wanting them to use the shower, well, that's a little tougher to understand.
Family and Children / Re: Can't you bathe your kids at your own house?
« Last post by m2kbug on Today at 07:01:55 PM »
I must have completely missed an update that all of these family events are planned on weekdays, but if a majority of the family works weekends and have weekdays off, a weekday is a reasonable time to form a gathering.  Parents and kids with school will have to work around this.  As the host, if this is what works for me, that's when I'm going to do it, and any friends and family who can attend and work with it, I'm happy for that.  Some people may not be able to do so.  I don't think it's my responsibility, as a host, to maintain bath and bedtime routines for any guests, no matter how big or small these guests are.  If Uncle George can't attend unless he can have a shower at my house before going home, Uncle George should probably just stay home.  Why can't Uncle George take an early shower before attending the event, knowing there probably won't be time later?  If you can't come because of the commute and because of the kids and school and bedtime routine and they HAVE to bathe on Thursday at 7 p.m., then stay home.  I can plan and host family events and celebrations that work better with other people's schedules at other times, but this one, for my DH's birthday, works better with my (our) current time frame.  If it doesn't work for you, it's totally okay to decline, or figure out how to make it work for your family, and not make your children's bath routine my responsibility. 

It's so very interesting how many people see this as perfectly normal.  This has never been my normal.  The interwebs make the world a smaller place.  If I encounter this sort of thing in the future, at least I know this is someone's normal. :)
Family and Children / Re: Can't you bathe your kids at your own house?
« Last post by Onyx_TKD on Today at 06:39:16 PM »
I would have it earlier except brother in law works weekends usually until 4 pm.  He has to go all the way home, usually at least a 30 minute drive,  pick them up, and come back towards my house.  Nothing with them is ever easy or simple. EVER.

Hey, he's lucky he gets out at 4. Everybody I know gets out at 5 or 6. And they have 30-minute drives everywhere as well--that's really not that long.
   It's really not that unreasonable of him to have that schedule--I think you're in a bit of a "jerk eating crackers" spot if you're angry about his schedule. That's a pretty generous schedule for evenings, actually. I can't think of anyone for whom weeknight gatherings are easy. Nothing's easy for -anybody-. You think it's hard for you, but it's just as hard--if not harder--for them. They're the ones carting everyone around.
    He has to do 1.5 hours of driving in order to get together w/ you guys at your home. And yet he does it.

It sounds like what's going on is that it's being proven that weeknight get-togethers are just not convenient for anybody. And don't blame that on SIL and BIL either--in a *lot* of people's worlds, having any sort of social event on a weeknight is incredibly complicated.

I'd be eliminating weeknight gatherings.

Toots, you keep repeating that the OP should stop having weeknight gatherings, but her last post said that BIL works until 4pm on weekends. First, if even weekend gatherings have to happen in the evening due to BIL's schedule, then the kids are going to be kept up late regardless of what night it's on. Second, that is not a typical schedule, so his work schedule is the one most likely to conflict with the times the majority of attendees are available. That doesn't mean he's a "jerk" for having that schedule, but it does mean everyone else is already accommodating them by scheduling around his family's needs. Expecting further accommodations would be pretty snowflakey, IMO. It's his job and his kids--if he and SIL can't come up with a manageable way to handle their kids' bedtime needs on nights with gatherings (without imposing on their hosts), then they should make the mature decision and decline the invitation. If the OP and her husband wanted to offer to let them bathe the kids at their house, that would be fine, but they certainly shouldn't be expecting it and taking it for granted as they are now.
What kind of pickle would you use to make tartar sauce?

My mom always made tartar sauce with dill relish. However, when I've gotten it in restaurants (in the USA), it typically seems to be made with sweet pickle relish. I don't think I've ever seen any choice in the type of tartar sauce, either--it's not like they offer a choice of sweet or dill tartar sauce. Was my family just weird, were we making tartar sauce more typical of another region or country, or what? (It's kind of sad to me, since I like my mom's style of tartar sauce on fish, and the sweet tartar sauce just tastes wrong.)
My ingredients for a tartar sauce are just mayoinaise, eggs, shallot, parsley and capers.
What a lovely dress you've chosen! Elegant, tasteful, anf something I'm sure you'll have many occasions to wear in the future, while making new memories and happily remembering the event for which you chose it!
Thanks everybody.  My family has been in the middle of moving, so I haven't had much time to sit and type out a reply.  But I've been checking in and reading everybody's advice, as the issue has been weighing on me for the past couple months.

I can totally see where part of this comes down to me and my husband needing to set some stronger healthy yet polite boundaries.  That is part of what I've been coming to e-hell for these past 6 years or so, to try to get a reality check on whether standing up for myself with friends and family on some things is rude or ok.  But clearly I need more work there.  All of my really good friends, I never need to set a single boundary with, we just understand each other's limits intuitively I guess, and they don't push me to do anything out of my comfort zone.  But I definitely need a better mental system in place for dealing with those people who do push for something I'm not comfortable with.

I can see too where responding to her texts during the performance, rather than ignoring them, led her to think the behavior was ok and made it more likely for her to do it again.  Actually to be honest, at the time it happened, I was really displeased with my husband that he responded to her texts and told me about it during the performance.  It left me rattled and anxious when I still had several bellydancers left that night to play for, and performances playing for dancers are really hard for me already, it takes a lot of concentration to sort of sync up with them, much more so than just playing the music un-accompanied.  And kept me from enjoying jamming with my violinist friend and enjoying the evening as much as I would have otherwise.  And left me feeling like I had to rush home and deal with the issue, rather than socializing with my real friends who were there to watch our performance.

So in the future, we'll work on ignoring texts and messages like that which arrive when we are in the middle of something fun, or if it seems truly urgent, send back a brief message that we are busy and suggest a hotline for the person to call.

I wonder too about the truthfulness of her story about the hotline.  That was never my experience when I called the organization.  I get their email newsletter and I know that hotline is one of their most important works and they work hard to answer all calls quickly.

I like the suggestion about being clear what help I am and am not able to provide, when sending resources to somebody.  Maybe I should say something like "If you need help beyond these resources, and need to talk to someone on the phone or in person XYZ group has a free drop in support group and A and B groups have 24 hour hotlines and C group does phone counseling for $$ an hour" to help make it clear that I'm not available to do those things, without acting like I'm assuming in advance that someone is trying to get me to do those things for them.

I really appreciate everyone's taking the time to comment :)  And I'm really looking forward to sorting out my boundaries and having more normal friendships again :)
Given your clarification, I'm still thinking that CakeEater's original words are the best to go forward with.  It lets her know how you feel and communicates and expectation that she didn't meet.  It doesn't accuse her of purposely manipulating you, but let's her know how you view her actions.  It possibly even communicates that there's a culture in the group that she isn't conforming to.

I would be careful about letting the rest of the group know that this woman isn't to be trusted.  I think it's ok that you told your BFF about it to get some perspective and if word gets out, it gets out.  But, if I were you, I wouldn't launch a campaign against her.  It just doesn't sit well with me when people do that.  While there are circumstances that would warrant it (like safety, scams, etc), I don't think this is one of them.  Afterall, she isn't conforming to the group standard, but you still can't say for sure that she purposely manipulated you vs. just did something that was tacky.

I think you are good to dial back your friendship and not give her things in the future.  And I think that anything you give or sell to anyone in the future, if there's an expectation that you get first dibs in getting it back or buying it back, you need to be clear about that up front.   Because even a solicited gift, is a gift.  Just because someone asks for something specifically, doesn't mean that they owe the gifter to keep it in good shape or to never get rid of it without first asking permission.  Especially after some time has passed.  What makes this different is that she solicited the changing table and sold it two weeks later, which makes it seem suspect...but had it been a year, I don't think I'd feel the same way.
I once suffered through an interview that I could tell was a formality.  I knew from their behavior they had another candidate chosen, and I was right.  The person interviewing me?  Spent the whole interview picking her acrylic nails off, bit by bit.  I was young and did not know to just get up and walk out.  Today, I would tell the interviewer that I see they are busy and excuse myself.
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Last post by ladyknight1 on Today at 06:10:44 PM »
Our complex has been undergoing seal coat on all the paved areas, which include the drive between and around buildings, the main entrance, the side entrance, etc. Large signs were posted at each entrance and a very detailed page was left on every door and every garage door. The fee for resealing an area should someone drive or walk on it was $900.

Someone using a car and a motorcycle did donuts in the street on both ends and ran up and down each of the three areas being coated today. That means that all of us have to wait another two days to park in our garages.
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