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  • August 01, 2015, 03:25:54 PM

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41
I think it would have been funny if OP's cousin had been on vacation at the same time as Cheesecake Ding Dong - then of course OP's cousin wouldn't have been ABLE to get the mail or the cheesecakes.
42
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Vacation Hills to Die On - What's yours?
« Last post by Benni on Today at 11:51:08 AM »
I will not share a hotel room with anyone who does not also regularly share my bed. I don't care how expensive it makes things for me.  I'll pay.  It's worth it.

This is me also.

I have very few other hills.  I only hike with DH or my DDs.  (They understand my asthma and inability to "keep up"  they are okay with walking ahead and waiting or walking slower.  I am, however, like the EverReady Bunny - I can go and keep on going, all day long, but I move a bit slow.)

When in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, I will be spending a morning or afternoon (at least an hour) at Knit on Pearl.  I will spend a couple of hundred dollars there for some of their awesome yarn, so be prepared.  It takes time to select the yarn, I have to feel everything - then the yarn has to "speak" to me so I can figure out a project.  If we are traveling some other place and I see a yarn stop, we will be stopping - same rules apply as above.

I will want to stop frequently if there are photo ops for me.  I take macro photos, mostly of flowers, so I may be asking to stop a lot.  DH is used to this.  I will not drive unless I am forced to do so, I far prefer to knit while someone else drives.

I need to eat otherwise I will be ill.  Plan on three meals a day.  I also need a sit-down toilet, I will not squat in the woods.  I need a bed that supports my back.  These are not wants, they are musts - otherwise I am okay with just about anything.

One fun thing DH and I have done lately, is try to find someplace new in a frequently visited area.  We have been doing this on our jaunts (we take about 12 a year - 3 or 4 day trips).  So if we go to say Zions, we try to find a place close where we have been.  What fun that has been.  It is how we found Cliff Dwellers Arizona - what a unique and fun trip that was.  Also - as one poster already said, think of things as opportunities - it's raining in Yellowstone and is cold, well see the hot pots in the rain, they are like walking into a science fiction movie.  The road is closed?  Find an interesting something on the detour.  It has improved our travels a lot to be more flexible.

43
We had "backsdoor neighbors" -- rather than neighbors on your left or right, the ones directly behind you. It arose out of a misunderstanding of the term "next-door neighbor" by my brother at age 3 or maybe younger.

It's a convenient term if a bit nonsensical.
44
I don't know, it's starting to sound like there's a trend toward putting the sister on trial as a horrible person, just because she chose the name. ...

I don't think the sister is being put on trial here.  We all recognize that we don't know much about her or her relationship with her sister.  All of that could make a huge difference in how we feel.

It's one thing to choose a name that you don't even remember was your sister's lover's name and something different if you did remember and chose the name deliberately.  I think almost everyone here prefers to assume the former.
45
But the sister wasn't rude. Friend was.

I don't think anybody's saying sister was rude (if so, I missed it). Pretty much everybody has said that she has a right to call her daughter whatever she wishes, but that we feel it's unkind. Not rude... but unkind.

As for Friend - of course yelling on the phone was rude. But if she'd found a calm way to let her displeasure be known, I wouldn't think her rude either.
46
At this point, I think I'd just put any mail back in the mailbox if it fits or with the UPS boxes if it doesn't and wash my hands of the whole affair. Respond if Liz comes over, but otherwise don't engage the crazy!
47
It isn't like the OP's friend has a huge, or even a small, list of names. Just one. The sister couldn't avoid that one name, that one reminder, of everything she'd been through? 

We don't know that. We know it's the name she's reacting to because it's the name they chose. We have no idea how big or small her list is. If they'd chosen Jessica instead of Sarah, she might've been fine with it or we might be hearing about how Jessica was the girl who bullied her in school. There's just no way to make a statement about the size of her "list" based on the information we have. Regardless, the fact that she could've been more unreasonable doesn't affect whether her current behavior was reasonable.

People also keep assuming that Sister knew the name. OP has only said that she knew the name because Friend cried on her shoulder about it. We don't know that Sister knew it, or if she only heard the name once or twice and doesn't connect it with Friend or Ex at all. People attach importance to different things -- maybe Sister vividly remembers the exact date Froend found out about it, or that the mistress was wearing Friend's favorite robe or whatever. Just because the name looms large to Friend and even OP doesn't mean it would to everyone.
48
I don't know, it's starting to sound like there's a trend toward putting the sister on trial as a horrible person, just because she chose the name. When we don't even know what her reasons were, or whether she knew about BadSarah's name in the first place.

Feelings are what they are, but this is a board about manners. You may feel that the pain of a divorce makes it okay to berate pregnant women. Over a baby name. You may even feel Sister "had it coming". That's an interesting perspective. Everybody's entitled to their opinion.

But the sister wasn't rude. Friend was.
49
Is it OK to post about something only 2 people in the world say?  Hopefully so - my DH and I use "undertoad" for something no one wants but can't be avoided.  (It's a reference to John Irving's "The World According to Garp").

I've heard 'undertoad' used.  It became a joke in a family we know.  They had a child with a vivid imagination concerning monsters.  This kid also dreaded the 'Twi-Night Double Header'. 

For readers who aren't in the USA, 'Twi-Night Double Header' refers to back to back baseball games played in the late afternoon and evening.  It's easy to see how a creative child could cobble that into a horrible monster. 
50
But, I also think your friend should consider what she'd be asking of her sister.  She would basically be saying to her, after she's chosen a name (that I imagine may not have been an easy thing to do...at least it wasn't for me), and saying "My personal pain is greater than this joy.  I cannot accept my neice, because the other Sarah is more important.  Change it because I say so."  Sure, she'd likely use gentler words, but I think that's an awful big load to put on the shoulders of another person.  It's bad enough that Friend is giving Other Sarah so much power in her life...but to come to her family and ask them to change a monumental decision so that Other Sarah also has power over them...that's unreasonable.  Bottom line is that it's never polite to ask parents to change the name of their child regardless of the reason (general) you might have for not liking it.  Friend's pain does not make it ok...and changing Baby Sarah's name, does not undo the past.

Friend needs to own her feelings and deal with them.  This isn't and shouldn't be a burden her family also has to take on.


This is where I am coming from.  Choosing a name for your child is a big deal.  There is a lot of emotion involved.  How would her sister feel if she was told that they name she had always wanted to name a daughter was now off limits because of a stupid action by her BIL? What gives her sister the right to make that demand?  I was angry and bitter over my divorce for years. But I knew the blame was to be placed on my ex, not the other woman. I didn't act like a lunatic every time the month of April rolled around.

I agree.  Your friend has every right to feel bad when she runs into the name Sarah (or blondes or people who have long pink fingernails).  She had something incredibly hurtful done to her-and whatever reaction she has internally is what it is.

IMO, it is the quite self-centered to act on those feelings, especially in such a poor way, and to assume that such an important decision for Sister and BIL about a happy event in their life should be dictated by her comfort level.  I was feeling for the sister for having to deal with this during her pregnancy before hearing that it has handled so poorly by your friend.  I would think your friend was rude to expect the name to be changed no matter how gently it was broached (and no matter how recent the pain or common/uncommon the name).  But acting the way she did was way, way OTT.

The birth of a niece or nephew, no matter how much it impacts the family overall, is not about your friend.  And outside of complete outliers who were doing this on purpose, which would indicate a much more severe problem than the name issue, the naming of the child isn't about your friend either.  It is about the BIL and sister and their decisions for their child's life.  And your friend attempting to insert herself into this decision and make it all about her pain is not right-especially not when done in such a negative fashion.

As much as others see this as a lack of empathy on Sis's part, I see it as a lack of empathy on your friend's part.  Instead of being happy for her sister and helping her celebrate a life event, she focused on her own unhappiness and pushed it off onto her sister. 

My sister had a serial cheater (and loathsome emotional abuser-not that Sis will admit that) of an ex.  I wish I could get into a TARDIS and go back and keep her from ever meeting the <redacted because I can't use that language here>.  He hurt her incredibly badly and it took her ages to get over.  But if she expected me to never use the name Mike for anything again because of her pain, I would find her to be quite a SS.  And that would hold true if his name was something much less common as well.
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