News: There is a new Ehell Kindness Project!  Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • September 30, 2016, 12:01:00 AM

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Am I the only one wondering if the OP had said never said anything at all, the would-be recipient may never have picked up the treadmill?

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Cats.  They used to just walk up to the front porch or my back yard when my cats were indoor only.  After that, but before I decided to sleep in a cat free room for the sake of my "sleep hygiene," I would periodically wake up to find a cat I didn't own in my room.  One particularly memorable time, it was on my bed and demanding food.  I have also found kittens in many surprising places.


I love this😀❤️isn't great that cats know that humans are there to serve them and it doesn't matter what house the cat and human actually live in?
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Life...in general / Re: Do you tell the truth or just put up with it?
« Last post by GardenGal on Yesterday at 07:01:49 PM »
Quote
"Hey, Mom and Dad, I'm a bit hesitant to bring this up, but it seems like it is a bit tricky to get the guest room temperature just right. I experienced pretty much the same thing as SIL when I stayed in there- first night it was too cold but turning the heat up made it uncomfortably warm. You might want to experiment with the heat a bit, or put in a supply of extra blankets, if anyone else is planning to stay in there soon."
  POD

It's your parents - if you can't be honest with them then I think they're being too sensitive. Maybe they turn the thermostat way up, much more than need be.  I'd certainly want to know if my guests were uncomfortable and I could do something about it. 

I keep pillows of 3 different thicknesses on my guest bed, as I know there are definitely preferences and I hate it when the only pillows are wayyyyy too thick for me to sleep well.  But changing the artwork, or something like that?  Sorry, not going to happen.
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I happened to find a site with some additional information about the trip I'm taking and saw that they were looking for photographs and will pay for them! I'm excited to take photos for payment.  :D
45
Family and Children / Re: Please take care of these things
« Last post by ladyknight1 on Yesterday at 06:55:23 PM »
Thank you everyone!!

Partner is great and wants to be more drastic than I want to be. He joked that we should put down plastic tarps and spray them with a spray bottle when they do something wrong.  ;)

We host them about 4-5 times per year so not a lot and mostly in the summer and usually once in the fall/winter. I absolutely will start using plastic and paper goods and do some work to in-law proof the house. After this thread I had the idea to buy a slip cover for the couch and just put it on when they come over. I will also be a little more forward, but nice, about certain behaviors and handling certain items.

I will talk to partner and I know he will back me up and have no problem saying things to them and now I know I can speak up more than I have.

I think I will also probably not host the winter gathering and just stick with summer and backyard bbqs.

And for the person that mentioned it - I literally have no idea how or why but every time they leave I always find at least one major finger/hand print on the wall and/or on the glass slider. Yet partner and I go months without really having any. It is so weird.

It was me. Yes, that is extremely odd!
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Life...in general / Re: Wake/Visiting Hours and a 6yo
« Last post by Sharnita on Yesterday at 06:50:09 PM »
FWIW, I think a lot of times younger kids handle it better than older people
 They haven't internalized all of society's hangup's, haven't watched a bunch of scary movies, etc. We attended both visitations and funerals pretty often as kids. We were never scared or anxious.
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Life...in general / Re: Is the term 'mansplaining' rude?
« Last post by bah12 on Yesterday at 06:47:19 PM »
^ The post seemed dismissive to me, but I will concede that was not your intention.  I have no idea how David H felt about it, so I won't attempt to speak for him either.

I'm curious though how you can both claim that we need to talk about sexism in order to understand and acknowledge the 'subtle, ingrained gender dynamics' and then also say that it's ok to criticize the stereotypes of an entire gender due to historic privilege.

As a mixed race female working and excelling in a male dominated (and even white dominated) career field, I am often an unwilling participant in these types of conversations.  I have experienced both racism and sexism.  I have witnessed it.  I have studied it.  I understand it.  But, I do strongly feel we are taking a huge step backwards as a society and honestly, I find it frustrating.  I do not believe that is possible to truly move to a place where we can accept that racism/sexism understood and dealt with, unless we are also willing to acknowledge that the historically 'privileged' groups are allowed to have a voice and are allowed to even say certain terms, stereotypes, accusations, etc are offensive.  It's ok to say "you know, you might not have purposely set out to hurt me, but what you said is offensive and here's why", but I also think in that conversation one has to be able to listen to a rebuttal that says "I see.  That was not my intention.  I'm coming from a different place.  And when you say X about me, that is also offensive to me." I haven't really seen the latter being offered up in any modern conversation about sexism (and when I hear "you can't know that because your 'group' is too privileged to understand", it does seem dismissive).  And like I said earlier, most of the accusations of sexism are not examples of sexism, but instead stereotypes and prejudices. 

I was once asked why it matters whether it's sexism or prejudice and the answer is, it matters because we have to acknowledge that 'reverse sexism' is not a thing.  It cannot exist.  We know that.  Where there was once a historical belief that men are biologically superior to women and can act and treat women as inferior, that belief is not prevalent in our current society.  It is not a thing where women believe they are biologically superior to men and can therefore act and treat men as inferior.  This is all true.  But prejudices do cross genders and cultures.  Prejudices are what we addressing today and we cannot adequately address those negative and incorrect stereotypes if we cannot also acknowledge that we have our own and deal with those.   I might not be making sense, though I hope I am.  This isn't a criticism of your viewpoint or your experiences, but I do feel strongly about having the right conversations.  In online forums about racism, I am usually summarily dismissed until it becomes known that I am not 'white', then suddenly, my opinion seems more worthy of discussion.  I have a problem with this.
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All In A Day's Work / Re: *Sigh* Coworker Conflict
« Last post by MurPl1 on Yesterday at 06:43:59 PM »

Now I'm feeling a little guilty because she's been on thin ice for a while. This may be what makes management pull the trigger and fire her. I don't want to be the cause of someone else losing their livelihood. For now I'm just avoiding her as much as I can and am being cool but polite when I have to interact with her. What do you guys think? Am I overreacting? What would you do in a similar situation?

TL;DR--Coworker is not getting her work done and is trying to make me do it for her. When I refused, she told me off. I reported her to management. Did I overreact?

You aren't.  She is.  If this was the first time, then she wouldn't be on thin ice and potentially losing her job.  Her choices have gotten her to this point.
49
I agree with gellchom about deciding on each guest individually, and with joliegirl about the request sounding like something a typical parent would say. 

It happened to me.  We had a big-to-us wedding, with 160 invited and 110 showing up.  Since I know my own parents well, I offered to let them invite a couple people they are close with, and I also invited extended family I otherwise wouldn't have for their sake.  My parents had a small social circle so it was only 6 invited, 2 showed up. 

My MIL, on the other hand, has a bigger family and a much wider social circle than my parents.  She asked if she could invite her own friends, and we agreed that she could and she would pay for them.  She asked to invite 24 people, 19 came.  At first I was shocked by that number, then worried about "people I don't know at my wedding."  Then I remembered that a wedding is a big deal to the parents too, and my MIL is important to be able to have some of her own friends to celebrate with. 

So, as someone who had almost 20% near or total strangers at my wedding, it really didn't bother me, I had enough time to meet and greet them and still hang out with my own friends and family, and everybody had a great time.  Everyone's experience is different, of course, and my own parents (dad mostly) were pushy, but not toxic about boundaries, so I think it turned out to be a healthy compromise. 

Oh, and at the risk of sounding totally cliche, that extended family I mentioned?  Ended up reconnecting beautifully with my nuclear family and they had a boy's weekend vacation together. 
50
Life...in general / Re: Do you tell the truth or just put up with it?
« Last post by jpcher on Yesterday at 06:35:15 PM »
I may not mention if a room was cold unless it was just unbearable but if my host asked me about the room, I would assume they wanted an honest answer!  I mean why ask unless you are willing to change the temperature?  I can not stand this idea that one can never be honest, even if specifically asked what they think.

I agree with this. In your case, I'm thinking that your parents were trying to figure out if SIL was a whiney guest or if, in fact, she was correct in her statements. Curious if your parents asked her how the room was or if SIL just blurted it out.

As a host I do ask my guests "Did you sleep well? Was everything okay?" and I do expect an honest answer because I want my guests to be comfortable enough so that they feel like they would enjoy staying with me again.

As far as guest complaints, it does depend on how the criticism comes out.

"Yo. Hostess. I froze my whatsits off last night. Do you think you could turn the heat up a bit tonight?" Very rude (especially even before being asked).


Hostess asks "How did you sleep?"

"Oh, good enough, but I was a bit chilled. Do you have an extra blanket or two that I could use tonight?" Not rude and honest.

I don't think I'd ever ask a host to turn up/down the heat because that (usually) affects the entire home.


I agree with Semperviren's post about making a complaint as a guest.
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