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  • March 30, 2017, 01:49:21 AM

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41
Life...in general / Re: Taking over conversations : when you are the rude one
« Last post by wolfie on Yesterday at 08:48:18 PM »
Personally, I have a big personality and I pay attention to how much time I've "held the floor." If I notice that I've held the floor for a while or all the energy is flowing to me, I shift the focus to someone else by bridging to an interest I know they have on the topic or asking them something about themselves. I have a natural curiosity about people and really want to know about them; it's a nice counterbalance to my story and joke telling tendencies.

I like the tennis example, and I'd add that while one or another of us might blow that in one interaction, for ongoing relationships, we can focus on re-balancing for the next conversation. So, if I was too one-sided in a past interaction with someone, I'd start the next conversation by drawing the other person out, maybe "The last time I saw you I walked away and realized I forgot to ask about...." I also keep a running mental "tally" about what's what in someone's life. For instance, my dental hygienist moved her mom in with her recently and she has a little chihuahua who hates to pee outside. So when I went in today, I asked how her mom was, if she's picked up any weight since moving in with the hygienist, and how the little chihuahua has handled the chilly weather.

Another thing I do if I have "me too" experiences is try to "ask before telling." To use the previous example about a trip to Germany, I might say, "Oh, I was in Germany in 2012, if you want any  travel tips or fun facts let me know." I do this when I hear people taking a cruise; I say, "If you want my top three cruise tips, let me know." A majority of the time people ask, especially if it's their first cruise, but that way, I haven't put it out as unsolicited advice.

I thought of the "me too" thing when we were discussing Alex Trebek's behavior when he interviews Jeopardy! contestants. He never misses a chance to top their stories. If you've been skydiving, he's been skydiving twice. But sharing similar experiences is a great way to keep a conversation going. At what point does it become one-upmanship?

I like the idea making a point to ask the other person more in the next conversation if you feel the previous one was too one sided. But regarding the "ask before telling"--if you really don't want to hear someone else's travel stories or insomnia remedies or whatever, is there ever a polite way to say so?

what do you mean? In the "if you want to hear my X let me know" example if you really don't want to know then just say "I'll keep that in mind" and continue the conversation. You don't have to ask and at that point the other person shouldn't tell.  If that isn't what you mean can you elaborate?
I meant what do you do if the other person offers to tell her experiences and you don't especially want to take up the offer. I suppose 'I'll keep that in mind" is as good an answer as any.

 You acknowledge the offer and then move on.   You don't need to say that you dont want to hear it. 
42
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: DECLUTTERING
« Last post by Psychopoesie on Yesterday at 08:48:04 PM »
I hired a professional organiser to help me sort out my house. It's never been the tidiest place but health issues plus increasing caring responsibilities have pushed it over the edge and it was too big a job to tackle on my own.

There are house repairs I need to get done and I'm too embarrassed about the state of my place to have them come inside.

We had our first 3 hour session this week which went really well (non-judgemental person!) and I now have a clear kitchen table (yay!) and floor space to show for it. All my active study stuff is in a plastic storage box on wheels that I can hide away on the other side of the table when not in use.

I binned, recycled and donated a lot of stuff for such a small area. Realised afterwards that I couldn't let go of even one of the three staplers I turned up. Staplers of all things - not exactly something I thought I'd be attached to (and attachment sounds painful, given the nature of the item).



43
Personally, I have a big personality and I pay attention to how much time I've "held the floor." If I notice that I've held the floor for a while or all the energy is flowing to me, I shift the focus to someone else by bridging to an interest I know they have on the topic or asking them something about themselves. I have a natural curiosity about people and really want to know about them; it's a nice counterbalance to my story and joke telling tendencies.

I like the tennis example, and I'd add that while one or another of us might blow that in one interaction, for ongoing relationships, we can focus on re-balancing for the next conversation. So, if I was too one-sided in a past interaction with someone, I'd start the next conversation by drawing the other person out, maybe "The last time I saw you I walked away and realized I forgot to ask about...." I also keep a running mental "tally" about what's what in someone's life. For instance, my dental hygienist moved her mom in with her recently and she has a little chihuahua who hates to pee outside. So when I went in today, I asked how her mom was, if she's picked up any weight since moving in with the hygienist, and how the little chihuahua has handled the chilly weather.

Another thing I do if I have "me too" experiences is try to "ask before telling." To use the previous example about a trip to Germany, I might say, "Oh, I was in Germany in 2012, if you want any  travel tips or fun facts let me know." I do this when I hear people taking a cruise; I say, "If you want my top three cruise tips, let me know." A majority of the time people ask, especially if it's their first cruise, but that way, I haven't put it out as unsolicited advice.

I thought of the "me too" thing when we were discussing Alex Trebek's behavior when he interviews Jeopardy! contestants. He never misses a chance to top their stories. If you've been skydiving, he's been skydiving twice. But sharing similar experiences is a great way to keep a conversation going. At what point does it become one-upmanship?

I like the idea making a point to ask the other person more in the next conversation if you feel the previous one was too one sided. But regarding the "ask before telling"--if you really don't want to hear someone else's travel stories or insomnia remedies or whatever, is there ever a polite way to say so?

what do you mean? In the "if you want to hear my X let me know" example if you really don't want to know then just say "I'll keep that in mind" and continue the conversation. You don't have to ask and at that point the other person shouldn't tell.  If that isn't what you mean can you elaborate?
I meant what do you do if the other person offers to tell her experiences and you don't especially want to take up the offer. I suppose 'I'll keep that in mind" is as good an answer as any.
44
This is long, but I want y'all to get the full picture . . .

Our refrigerator died about two weeks ago. We were headed out of town a few days later, so buying a new one essentially consisted of me running to the nearest appliance places and asking if they were able to deliver within 48 hours. At Best Buy, at least, I was able to wander around the section for quite a while and nobody approached me. I found ONE fridge in the size we wanted and for the price we wanted. Wrong color, but beggars can't be choosers.

I remembered that there was a new furniture store which had just opened up a few months ago, so that was my next stop. (Actually, my next stop was the mall to check Sears, but I forgot they were tearing it down because instead of Sears there was just a giant pile of rubble and a lot of orange plastic fencing. This place was the third stop, though.)

This store, I had four employees greet me and ask if they could help me find anything before I was twenty feet in. The sales guy in the refrigerator department could have been straight out of used car commercial, right down to the "this one's cheaper but I wouldn't buy it because [made-up reason]" and the high-pressure "buy today!" sales tactic. They did have a fridge I like a bit better than the one at Best Buy, though, it was $50 cheaper, and they could deliver the next day. Crisis averted - we'd have a working fridge before we left for vacation!

The delivery guys were awesome. Like, seriously, I want them to be the only ones who install stuff in my house from now on. Somehow, the sales guy had managed to charge me for a washing machine hose instead of refrigerator hose. One of the delivery guys noticed that, thought it was odd, and stuck in a fridge hose just in case. Total lifesaver :-) I sent the washing machine hose back with him and figured the two were probably around the same price so everything was fine.

The company sent me two emails, a text, and an automated phone call asking me to rate my experience with them. When I was actually sitting down for the paperwork of buying the thing, both the smarmy salesman and his not-much-better boss (protip: don't stand around telling racist jokes while in earshot of a customer) made a HUGE deal of how I had to give them all fives, anything less was a failing grade and they would have corporate down here demanding changes, etc. I skipped the numerical part of the survey because I HATE when companies do that, but I did add a comment that the delivery guys were great.

Two days later I get a call from the manager. He's so sorry about the wrong hose, how can he make it right? If I come into the store, they can refund the price of it on my credit card, no charge for the correct one since it was their error, did this make it a five-star experience? I told him I don't do those surveys when they're essentially pass-fail but I appreciated the offer and would be back in once I was back in town.

Anyway, because we were going out of town immediately I didn't get around to going back into the store until tonight. I explained what I'd been told to the lady at the desk and handed over my receipt. She was a manager but had to call a higher-up one, apparently. He comes out and one of the other employees swings past:

"Hey, Tina, who had the sale on that?"

"James."

"Oh."

"Of course."

"Sorry, ma'am. That associate doesn't work here anymore; this will just take a minute."

Over the course of the next twenty minutes, I learned that the used-car-salesman guy and the making-sexist-jokes-in-front-of-customers manager were no longer employed by the company. I asked if mistakes like this were typical with this sales guy and the lady said yes, very much so, she wasn't at all surprised. From the discussion between her and the other manager, I got the impression the sexist manager covered for this particular sales guy a lot, until they both got let go. They couldn't refund me money that the other manager had neglected to write down that he promised me, though. Took a few go-rounds before they gave me my $20 back :-)

So yeah, there you have it - professional darwinism from someone who managed to get both himself and his manager fired. Oh, and the conversation as I was walking away:

"Hey, did you know he works next door now?"

"What?"

"Not, like, NEXT door, but further down [it was in a strip mall]. He's doing the night shift at Taco Bell now."

I've decided not to eat at that particular Taco Bell for a while. I also feel bad for his new co-workers  :-\
45
I disagree with "Blood is thicker than water."Heard it used one too many times during my first marriage to state that XDH should side with his family of birth rather than myself or our kids, even when it could be very harmful. Such as when XMIL said our kids didn't need seatbelts or carseats and expected XDH to side with her because blood family. As if his children were not his blood family too.

The original saying is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Means covenant is stronger than the ties of original family.

https://www.quora.com/Where-did-the-phrase-The-blood-of-the-covenant-is-thicker-than-the-water-of-the-womb-come-from

But that isn't the original saying.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_is_thicker_than_water

That's the way I've heard it.
46
Life...in general / Re: Speaking Out of Turn at a Funeral
« Last post by Psychopoesie on Yesterday at 08:34:04 PM »
So rude it's off the etiquette map and into here be special snowflakes territory. Plus his non-apology (I'm right but I shouldn't have said it) was awful.

I feel really strongly about respecting the family's wishes at funerals. They're already grieving, so I don't want to add to the stress - I want to give them comfort.

At my dear friend's funeral recently, a mutual friend, Jane, was asked to do a reading. It was a long bible verse which was printed on the program. Jane didn't like one word "quit" because she felt it was too American (she's from England). She asked me and another friend whether she should change it to "stop" or "cease". We both said no - the family picked that verse (and that specific translation) so go with that.

It's a comparatively small thing and maybe no one would notice or mind a word change. Or it could be that version was something their mother read to them often when they were kids and changing the word would really upset them. You just don't know. It's not something I'd want to bother the family about either.

My heart goes out to the grieving family in that article - to have to deal with that on top of everything else.
47
All In A Day's Work / Re: Did I step on toes? Was I rude?
« Last post by Bales on Yesterday at 08:27:37 PM »
I think you may have stepped on Sally's toes in her mind, but in my mind, she's really stepping on yours by trying to keep you out of the loop on your own project.  In that type of environment where conversations are overheard, I think it's normal to jump in given the situation, where it's your project.  If it weren't your project or if he clarified that he actually wasn't asking about your project, then it would be off.  And Sally's reaction should have been to say "oh that's right - jpcher can help you!" and be happy she was able to facilitate the connection, not be upset that her work friend actually got the information he needed from a different source.
48
It's better to ask forgiveness then permission.

I hate that one.

Oh dear, I've said this one many times.  I don't actually mean that it's better ideally.  But I've worked for some places where this philosophy was the only way to survive and get your job done.  Otherwise you were bogged down in red tape.

Actually, I think the saying is that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Which is actually saying that you know you're not going to get permission, but you want to do it, so it is easier in the end to ask forgiveness after you did what you were going to do anyway.

I actually like this saying and do use it occasionally. I think it is most useful for "gray area" questions, times when there is no clear rule and asking the question will cause the creation of a rule, or times when there is no clear authority and asking the question actually may imbue someone with the authority to say no. 
49
All In A Day's Work / Re: Is this Normal?
« Last post by PastryGoddess on Yesterday at 08:10:19 PM »
no it's not.  You were definitely bait and switched, and it's clear they don't really care if you know it. 

50
Life...in general / Speaking Out of Turn at a Funeral
« Last post by JoieGirl7 on Yesterday at 08:09:32 PM »
A guy at a funeral who was there with his girlfriend and did not know the deceased, decided to open his mouth and argue a point that the deceased's son had made about his mother dying of Stage 4 lung cancer despite never having smoked or being around someone who did. 

The interloper got up and stated that Asian churches are full of smoke...

The family feels it as racial.  I don't think we even need to address that part of it because just his getting up there and rebutting the woman's son in any way is so rude it's nearly unimaginable.

https://news.google.com/news/url?sr=1&sa=t&ct2=us%2F0_0_s_0_0_t&usg=AFQjCNGijc4YFO0hH7rHB5ueXBb91AC2lw&did=c3b0d6461d8d015e&cid=52779441839706&ei=sAbcWNDTE9DEqQK5g6xo&rt=STORY&vm=STANDARD&url=http%3A%2F%2Fboston.cbslocal.com%2F2017%2F03%2F28%2Fquincy-funeral-lung-cancer-uninvited-speaker%2F
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