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41
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Costume Ideas.
« Last post by cicero on Today at 01:31:39 PM »
cicero, I love the Ninja Turtle! 

Last year my DH and I went as Sandy and Danny from Grease. I think my outfit (all pleather) cost about $20 total, including earrings and lipstick! His was all stuff he had already too.  Basically free!



This year I am going as Rosie the Riveter - jeans, denim shirt rolled up sleeves, red bandana, red lips.  Basically free!
thanks! it was fun to make it, i felt so creative. (unfortunately i lent it to someone and never got it back)

I love your sandy and danny!
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Since this happened quite a while ago instead of recently like most of us believed, I just wouldn't worry about inviting her again. It's been 6 months, I'm sure she doesn't have expectations of being invited.
She's not an old friend, and it doesn't sound like she's a super close friend either.
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Life...in general / Re: Apologies - once you accept them, is that it?
« Last post by DanaJ on Today at 01:26:15 PM »
I always have a hard time with this, because I always feel that if you accept the apology, you're just setting yourself up for the perpetrator to do more of the same and you can't say anything about it, because you've accepted the apology.  I know that's probably a very pessimistic view. 

It is fairly pessimistic because 1) there is a significant difference between one instance of aberrant bad behavior and a consistent pattern of being a jerk. 2) You've accepted an apology for one specific instance of bad behavior, that does not give carte blanche for someone to knowingly misbehave again.

Sometimes people can just be having a really bad time of it, and while in a rotten mood, they do something rotten themselves, but it is generally out of character for them. In that case, an apology can be accepted and the person forgiven, and life goes on. The offending party has made amends and the ugly behavior does not reappear (or at least the offending party is demonstratably making an effort not to repeat the behavior).

But an ongoing pattern of bad behavior, like what Emily is demonstrating in the OP, is different. A one-off jerk moment can be forgiven but consistent reoccurrences of jerk behavior is unacceptable. If you cut someone off when they've significantly wronged you one time, you may miss out on an otherwise enriching friendship. If they offend, apologize, reoffend, apologize, reoffend.... then they are not genuine with their apology, are making no effort to modify their behavior, and consider you to be a doormat who will always put up with their poopiness.

That kind of person needs to know there are boundaries that cannot be crossed.

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Life...in general / Re: A hostess gift that overshadows the hostess...
« Last post by turnip on Today at 01:17:17 PM »
Wow.  I didn't expect this thread to take off like this.

First, I take umbrage at the suggestion that I am jealous of Joan and DH's relationship.  Really?  That was out of left field.  If I spent time being jealous of DH's female friends (or he of my male friends), I would have no time left at all.

DH has never hosted Joan (he doesn't cook) and she isn't an "old" friend, maybe only a little longer than I've known him.  When he said "That's just what she does" he meant he had seen her take things to other peoples' houses.  I asked DH if he had told her to bring anything and he said that he hadn't.  He admitted that he should have known she would, but hadn't ever thought of it as a problem before.

To use someone's flower explanation...sure, flowers are great, but if the guest came over, took your flowers out of your centerpiece vase and put hers in the vase instead, would you feel the same?  That's how I felt, like she had preemptively decided that what I was going to make to dinner wasn't going to be good enough so she had to make food that would be.  I ate a bit of her salad, trying to not be ungrateful, but the other side was fruit salad that consisted mostly of mayonnaise.  I cannot stomach the taste of mayo.

DH can be a bit of a pushover, and he doesn't know all that much about etiquette.  I will have to ask him if it was Joan or someone else (though I remember it being Joan), but a friend of his who is also friends with his exGF was going to have a party and had mentioned it to him to see if he was interested.  I told him that I wouldn't feel comfortable being around his exGF and all of her friends.  He told me that the hostess was a "classy lady" (his words) and wouldn't create drama like that, she would just invite him and not me.  He wasn't going to go without me, anyway, but the fact that he thought that was being classy made my jaw drop.  I then explained to him just how rude and not-classy that was.  He has kind of a skewed perspective on stuff like that, but he's learning.

I don't think Joan is a threat, I think she's a control freak.  I only learned that after this situation occurred.  It happened maybe six months ago, but DH were talking about inviting people over again, including Joan, and I want to be prepared to handle this stuff so my feelings don't wind up hurt again.

I will make sure DH knows to say, "Please don't bring anything" if this happens again.


It seems like your DH is still getting a big pass on this whole thing.  If he thought what Joan did was perfectly OK and he's not malicious, why can't we believe that Joan thought what she was doing was perfectly OK and she's not malicious?    There seems to be an expectation that Joan is obligated to have a better understanding of dinner parties than the OP's DH.

Etiquette is always about what is common in one's social circle.  Frankly from all evidence OP seems like the outlier in being upset and insulted by Joan's 'gift'.    If in their social circles, in their community, Joan's behavior is perfectly common and accepted - then OP is being rude by turning into an insult.
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Could use some ideas / comments or any feedback you might have

The boys like to get together after the usual Saturday half marathon and go out for breakfast.
DS asked if I would make pancakes ( and other things for the team one Saturday )

Roughly 14 people, 12 boys and 2 coaches.

Menu

Pancakes w/ butter and syrup  -  I make my own from scratch batter - I get about 20 from a batch. Thats 40 cakes and is 2 to 3 per person. ( They are regular sized - not tiny - not dinner plates ).  I have 2 griddles - so I will have DS text me and start cookng cakes as soon as proactice is over. They keep perfectly fine in a warm oven.

Bacon - DS's favorite - I am thinking of cooking the night before and then heating in the microwave.  Probably 3 packs of bacon.

Sausage rolls - I'll make 2 turns of these - cut them small into about 30 pieces. I'll make the filling the night before and roll and backe these while proactice is going on.

Hash Browns - don't need these - but again - DS and friends always want them. I'll probably start cooking them early ( I start with frozen potatoes ) and then recrisp once the eating machines arrive.

Eggs - I will probably make soem scrambles eggs to put out.

Orange Juice
Milk
Mini muffins
Coffee

What do you think ? Ann egg casserole would be great - but not sure they would really eat it.  I find at this age they tend to be suspicious of mixed up stuff.

I have an open kitchen dining room, I can get 10 easy at the dining room table ( maybe 12 if we squish ) and then I cane seat 4 people at the bar.

The coach said if I feed them they might come back and now they will know where I live :)

If anyone has done this - I'd appreciate any suggestions.











 

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I've been to weddings where they take the champagne glasses away immediately after the toast.

Yikes! Fortunately I haven't experienced this. I might be...erm...less than polite if someone tries to wrench away my champagne flute.

Just saying "I am not done with this yet, thank you" will do it. No need to be rude.

My humor was lost on Lady Disdain. Worry not, I won't actually be rude in a future hypothetical situation where my glass is cleared before I've finished.
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Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Captain Know-It-All stories
« Last post by SamiHami on Today at 01:08:39 PM »
Well, the CKIA in my life has done it again. He's told some pretty amazing whoppers in his life and shows no signs of slowing down. For example, he used to work in a hospital where a doctor made an important medical discovery, so he tells people that he was on the team with him and that he was nominated for a Nobel Prize along with the doctor who made the discovery. He was PA. He didn't do research. The discovery was made years before he went to work there...anyway, that's the type of guy he is. He knows everything, has done everything and you (meaning everyone) are just nowhere nearly as smart or accomplished as he.

He found a great girl and they started dating. I was wondering what had to be wrong with her that she would get involved with him. They saw each other for a couple of months and then abruptly broke up. He tells us that she did some stupid thing or another that he couldn't forgive...clearly a load of BS. Turns out she caught on to his ridiculous lies. Apparently the clincher was when he told her that was considered for the astronaut training program years ago, but he declined for X or Y reason. Yeah. He had the opportunity to be an astronaut. And turned it down. At least I got a new friend out of it; I like the girl a lot and we are planning on getting together soon.

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Life...in general / Re: A hostess gift that overshadows the hostess...
« Last post by gellchom on Today at 01:08:23 PM »
I understand both points of view.

I understand that many people consider it quite rude to bring unrequested food when invited to dinner.  I can see being miffed that the food I'd worked hard on got passed over in favor of something a guest brought.  And I understand the feeling of taking pride in a meal I planned and prepared and wanting it to be as I planned.  I would take it in stride now, but twenty or thirty years ago I would've been more upset.

But I also understand that there are many communities and groups of friends who do it exactly the opposite way, and it's understood that people will bring part of the meal when it's anything but the most formal of dinner parties.

So while everyone, including Mental Magpie, is entitled to their preference (and to ask their spouse to respect it), in my opinion this is a matter of communication, not rudeness.

Our friends always ask, "What can I bring?"  With our closest friends, with whom we frequently eat, we almost always divvy up the jobs.  Sometimes the hosts say, "Nothing -- I have a refrigerator stuffed with things I need to use up" or the guests say "Please let us bring XXX -- I made way too much yesterday" or "I'm going to bring this fab grain salad we just discovered" or "We're not going to bring anything -- we're just going to be coming in from out of town" or something.  Everyone feels free to say yes or no to any of that.  For less close friends, or someone who's never been here, we may say yes or  no thanks, depending on the occasion and menu: Sabbath meal, probably no thanks; come over and watch the game, sure, why not?

A few times we had "fancy" dinner parties, and I really did want to control the menu -- and I suppose I wanted to "perform" a bit.  We even mailed invitations.  When the guests asked what they could bring, I simply said, "Nothing this time!  We want to have a Real Grown-Up Dinner Party!"  They all got it and brought little hostess gifts or wine instead.

Note the key words in that one: not this time

There is no need to argue about who is right and wrong about the practice of bringing food.  Just make it clear, in a nice way, when you don't want anyone to do so.

Speaking of being clear -- I notice several posters suggested telling Joan "there is no need for you to bring food."  I would stay away from "there is no need" -- you still aren't clear.  (I mean, there's no "need" for a hostess or birthday gift, either.  If someone told you "You didn't need to bring a gift!" they wouldn't understand that it was not even welcome and you would've preferred they not -- they'd just take it as a gracious statement that their gesture was above and beyond what they'd "needed" to do.)  So I would say, "Please don't bring any food for the meal; it kind of throws me off."  Not "I've got it covered" or "there is no need" or "I have the menu carefully planned and balanced" or anything else that raises the question of whether it is right or wrong.  Start with "Thanks, but" if they offered.
49
Where Do I Start? / Re: How not to hire a photographer
« Last post by JenJay on Today at 01:06:53 PM »
Wow she had some nerve citing the contract. "Uh yeah, I'll give you 30 minutes and a couple of headshots for the price I quoted you, per the contract." I loved the top comment that she probably told the groom he was showing up for dinner and a movie.  ;D
50
Life...in general / Re: A hostess gift that overshadows the hostess...
« Last post by poundcake on Today at 01:02:26 PM »
I think it's obvious that there is no one "universal" rule for bringing food to a dinner party/hosted event (although I, too, would be put out by it). But what you can do now, OP, is go forward. If this is something Joan regularly does, and you want to have a bunch of people over for dinner without her bringing along two or three extra dishes, sort your options. You can
  • Just not invite Joan. (I don't know that that's not really a possibility, but still)
  • Plan your menu around the likelihood that she will bring stuff. This can be tricky. After all, there is always the possibility that this will be the one time she does. But it can also be fun to do a "midwestern church cookbook casseroles" meal that will work with whatever she brings. I've been in a similar situation with a great-aunt who without fail and no matter what you tell her, will always bring a terrible bakery cake to our parties. So instead of a carefully-planned single-plate elegant dessert, if Aunt Cakey is going to be there, I'll plan something like a selection of cookies, or ice cream sundaes, so I can serve her cake with it (she would raise billy-heck if I didn't) without it being out of place
  • Actively discourage Joan. "And no, please, don't bring a thing! I've got an anal-retentive menu planned, and we're looking so forward to fixing it!" Lather, rinse, repeat.
  • Actively co-ordinate with Joan, either via your husband, or you. "And please, don't feel like you have to bring anything but yourself, but we can always use a salad/good loaf of bread/whatever dish it is Joan is known for!"

Also, have a plan for how to handle it if you ask Joan to ___ and she ___ instead. "We'll save this salad for lunch tomorrow. I told you we had food covered for tonight, and after all the work we did, it will be nice to have your salad tomorrow so we don't have to do more meal prep."
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