I am not sure that the friendship is repairable, and I think objectively, the bad behavior is on the Ex-friend's side.
There's been a lot of (somewhat justified) thrashing of the friend here, but I wanted to point something out. They have also gone through some really big stress-raising events in their lives. Dismissal from work, Spouse stopping work, Foreclosure/Eviction, Change in residence. Any one of these things might be considered to be less stressful than the death of a family member, but there is a theory (Holmes and Rahe) that these stressful events are additive. It's not a contest, and we all have our own personal thresholds, so I'm not trying to say that her stuff is more important or bigger than yours - the nature and timeline is certainly different. I do not agree that the stress they are feeling should be so summarily dismissed as "not nearly as important/big".
But it's really unfortunate that two life changing events simultaneously occurred for the both of you. We always say to cut slack to people dealing with death. I think that some slack should be cut to Jane/John too. They haven't behaved perfectly here. I can see several opportunities to "shoulda, coulda, woulda" the whole week. I think both of you are at/beyond your limits, and supporting one another just isn't possible at this moment in time. But perhaps, after some time has passed, forgiveness could be achieved.
I don't think going through stressful events, no matter how stressful, is an excuse for rudeness. It's an excuse asking for additional help or attention, or even for pulling back from a friendship if you feel the need to be alone. But for being rude? Well, IMO, not so much.
What I find so egregious is that the OP was in the process of doing a pretty big favor for these people when the news came in. And she got not so much as a "sorry for your loss". Yeah, I can see stressful events making you, well, stressed! But to not acknowledge a death in the family, and this is very close family, to someone who is as we speak, doing you a big ol' favor?
I dunno, I just can't see that as reasonable or expected behavior. As to whether it's forgivable, well that depends on many things, not the least of which is, how does this friend normally behave, when not in the throes of stressful events?
Ummm...I'm not sticking up for her friends and saying they have been steller, but did they not agree to let her unload her truck first so that she could go? Haven't they been attempting to contact the OP and ask about her DH and notice that she's no longer on their FB? Is it not just the tiniest bit possible that due to the OP's stressful situation, she very understandably, may be overly emotional and not seeing that they are concerned for her? Even through the whole TV cable, 'give it to me now' debacle?
While stress is not an excuse for rudeness, I'm not sure that anyone can say that they have behaved perfectly during times of extreme stress. In friendships especially, everyone deserves some slack. The OP certainly...and maybe, just maybe her friends do too. Right now? Probably not. The OP just needs to step back and take a breather and a break from them. Maybe she concludes after some time that these friends aren't worth it to her and ending the friendship completely is necessary. That's her perogative. But I'm not so quick to jump on "the nerve of them!" bandwagon. They weren't there in the way the OP needed them to be. Their concern wasn't obvious to her. She's hurt. Her feelings are legitimate and rational. What isn't rational, IMO, is the assumption that her friends' stress isn't as great as hers and doesn't deserve the same understanding as hers. Like others have pointed out, this isn't a contest. Death sucks and is hard. But so is the uncertaintly of not knowing when cash inflow will happen again, moving, etc. I'm not sure it's fair to say that one person's stress trumps the other...even if I am more sympathetic to the loss of a family member. When people are in the midst of stress it's hard to take a step back and see where other people are. The OP's friends should have done that...but so, too, should the OP. And when she is able to think clearly, that is when she should evaluate this behavior and decide what to do.
Regardless of what they have done subsequently, they exhibited rude behavior. Firstly, they never even expressed condolences. Secondly, they behaved badly with regard to the TV cable.
Now, ok, yes, they apparently have followed up with somewhat better behavior by the looks of it. But that doesn't negate what they already did.
And as I said, As to whether it's forgivable, well that depends on many things, not the least of which is, how does this friend normally behave, when not in the throes of stressful events?
So my points are:
1. They were rude.
2. It might be forgivable, depending on other factors.
It's not about whether they (or anyone) behaved perfectly under stress. It's about what that behavior entailed and how they have behaved in the past, when not under stress. Of course friends deserve slack. But the question I'd ask myself in this situation is how much I value this particular friendship. And the answer to that is going to be based on lots of things in the history of the friendship. I would neither limit it to this particular occurrence nor would I completely exclude it.
And I'm saying...now is not the time to ask this question. It is never smart to make permanent and especially relationship
ending decisions that cannot be repaired under extreme stress and emotion. Never. The OP is feeling very emotional right now, so why would we try to convince her that long time friend that she has cared about for years is so horrible? Even in her rude behavior? Why not give her what I consider more reasonable advice..."Yes, your friend was rude and yes you have a right to be angry. Take a step back from the friendship and when things have settled down, evaluate if this is a character issue or one brought on by extreme stress on both of your counts."
All of this "she didn't even say sorry...how dare here! Leave this friendship right now" advise...isn't helpful. Even if it is what the OP wants to hear. (And you just ended up being who I quoted, not necessarily the one I said it).
And I'm sure that they weren't thinking clearly...either of them. Because if the cable was at the OP's house at one point, then under different circumstances she probably would have thought to hide it in a bush outside, or in the mailbox, where her friend could pick it up. Not take it with her to another city and then try to coordinate with her friend to meet up and get it admist all the funeral planning. I'm sure if one of them were thinking more logically, someone would have thought of this. They didn't. And if they can't think clearly enough to coordinate the hiding of a cable (and it's understandable that they couldn't), then why would either of them be of sound mind to make permanent relationship