News: There is a new Ehell Kindness Project!  Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • May 26, 2016, 03:42:09 PM

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41
I remember a rehearsal for my high school graduation, because I remember the presenter stumbling through a lot of names and having to be corrected.  I always thought our graduating class of 350 was large, but from some of the numbers mentioned in this thread it wasn't.  I was given five tickets, so my parents, my two remaining siblings, and my beloved aunt attended.  When my sister graduated two years previously, my dad was overseas and my mother was in the hospital, so my grandfather and my beloved aunt attended for my sister. 
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That when I say the rice is "half-done" and it should be ready in ten or fifteen minutes, that does not mean that it is time to come into the kitchen and start serving yourself in five minutes.

Apparently he was half listening and heard only the "key words", i.e. "rice" and "done".

At least it was no longer crunchy...

Apparently *I* need to work on either my diction or stop using confusing phrasing.  Like "fifteen minute warning" without using the word "done"...

I should never say "take the next exit" because to him, that means he's about to pass the one he's supposed to take, I'm supposed to tell him how far to the exit he is supposed to take...

I'm starting to wonder if he needs a hearing test or I need diction lessons.

Selective hearing and processing, everyone is guilty of that to some extent!
The only thing I could suggest is to say the same thing twice using a different phrasing, maybe it would help?
(Also, not that it was the problem here but, when someone asks you to repeat what you just said it's good to change the phrasing, sometimes it's the wording that doesn't go through/sounds weird, so by trying another set of words you can break that effect)

As for selective hearing, processing and memory recal, I remember explaining to someone who was complaining about a relative always gifting her banana scented soaps (made up exemple) that she hated that it was more or less a lost cause, because a) you never really confront someone saying you hate it do you? and b) when you drop hints the only thing that happens is that Gifter reinforce the mental link Giftee-banana soap, forgets that it was not well received, and proceed gifting banana soaps.
Best course of action IMO is to not mention the hated scent and instead mention that you love mango and pear. Hopefully it will build a Giftee-mango mental link...

This is why I say everything to DH in about 8 different ways, because then there's half a chance he'll remember & do what I asked him to do!!  But it's only half a chance things will get done, because he still swears blind I haven't told /asked him about things!!  And he complains I'm always talking!

What is my husband's clone doing in your house?

I remember a joke about a guy reading a story to his wife about women talking more than twice as much as men.

His wife told him it was because women had to repeat everything that they told their husbands because the men weren't listening.

His reaction was "What?" and she repeats the comment.

+++

When told the joke, my VorGuy told me that women just needed to be clear about what they meant.

But it seems that he can misunderstand anything that isn't telling him to do it his way...

Maybe I just don't think in "guy"...but seriously - his understanding of some terms is nothing like what the dictionary has down as the meaning...

"Oven proof" on the back of stoneware to him meant that it was bakeware and he could bake biscuit (breakfast food) on the serving plate instead of going looking for the correct baking pan.  Similar "misunderstandings" have happened.  I have learned to grab the screwdriver and assemble the assemble-it-yourself item myself if I don't want lots of leftover parts and a bookcase that isn't square & plumb. 
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I was glad for graduation practice. Sure it's just alphabetical order, but the practice made it much smoother. We were a class of 500. It was only about an hour and then we just hung out afterwards. An hour is not a big deal. Even if it's absurd, when they tell you it's mandatory or else, you do it.

We had to be at school a couple of hours before the actual graduation and did the rehearsing then.  Sort of a mini practice with instructions.

And you had to turn in your cap and gown (they were rented) after the graduation to get your paper diploma.  The nice folding frame we were handed in the ceremony contained a piece of paper instructing you to bring your cap and gown to the gym and you could trade it in for the real diploma that would go in the frame.

When I graduated, we also had to hand in our cap and gown for the diploma. here is the story as told by my mother:

Well, Gmatoy, we were waiting with the whole family, and it seemed to be taking a really long time. Then some girls were walking passed us, talking about "that poor girl." They were saying how upset she was, they felt so bad for her, and it just wasn't right to ruin someone's whole life like that. At that point, Gmatoy, your cousin turned to me and said, "You know they are talking about Gmatoy, don't you?"

Yes, my diploma was not in the stack that my homeroom teacher had. Turns out that the girl who sat next to me for three years in homeroom had my diploma stick to hers. She told me that her father had just gotten out of the parking lot (a huge traffic mess) and was headed for home when my friend, who was in the backseat putting her diploma into the nice frame, realized that my diploma was stuck onto hers. She tells her parents, saying that they had to return it to me. Her father said he wasn't going back into that hellhole. And my friend, bless her, pointed out that I was probably melting down and that I would have come back to return it to her. Then she said she would get out of the car and walk back if she had to, but I was getting my diploma. So, after the mother also chimed in, her father turned the car around and they brought my diploma back to me.

And that is the story of my high school graduation trauma. And, yes, I was melting down. I was joining the Army two days later and had to have that diploma in order to take the oath. By the time my children graduated from the same school district, they had instituted a "diplomas will be mailed to your home" policy. I have always wondered if the new policy was because there were too many close calls like mine!

The same thing happened with my HS diploma!

I went to get mine, and my HR teacher said it wasn't there. She figured it must have been some sort of mistake and directed me to a particular guidance counselor who said "well, then you must not have graduated" and turned around and walked away.  >:( >:( >:( I stood there, absolutely stunned for a minute, then told my mom what happened. She responded "You know you graduated, there's no question about that. We'll get this sorted out on Monday. Now, let's get home for your party." She was right, of course. The school secretary helped a lot-- she remembered pulling my diploma so she could put a seal on it for the top 10 graduates. It turns out the seal had a bit of a residue that made it stick to the diploma in the stack above it. The girl with the diploma above mine and I didn't really know each other but when she found it she called the school and brought it back the following Monday.  :) :) :)

44
Sounds like you need to go to HR for advice on how to deal with HIM primarily, and the two sniping coworkers only secondarily.

And really, I think that's what the advice would be if you approached it from a different angle: "my boss won't back up my supervisory decisions and lets others get away without doing their jobs while placing the blame on me.  When I am verbally harassed by coworkers, he won't step in to discipline them or defend me.  Furthermore, because of their sniping and underhanded tactics, I find it hard to get my job done adequately."  Think of it this way....if your boss were doing his job at all, the coworkers' actions would be a moot point, right? 

If/when you go to HR, also mention the fear of retaliation by boss....you feel you're left with no choice to go to HR because boss won't do anything but 'wait and see' or put the blame elsewhere (even on you!) because he, for whatever reason, won't deal with the issues directly.  Since you simply cannot sustain a dynamic like this, but because he forbade you to go to HR, you're worried about retaliation from Boss.  I would also throw out words like bullying and harassment.

I say that boss had his chance and he blew it.  Do what you need to do.
POD but I would start with I went to (Boss's Name) with concerns that (Student 1) isn't doing her research and that she may be using other's work and Student 2 is bullying students and undermining me - and both of them are habitually late to work. Instead of backing me and dealing with them, he told me I wasn't allowed to do anything about their behavior or speak to HR. I'm worried that this may damage our reputation. Assuming that your place of work does not want to be the next institution where X researcher was allowed to harass students for years/allowing false data into studies and now all their work is in question and funding is being pulled - hopefully all 3 will be out on their rears with no references.


This type of behavior - favoring the bully is something you see from administrators all the way down to elementary school. The administrators see the bully/bullying family as the ones with power and favor them.
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One of the side effects of not understanding someone is to automatically begin to speak more loudly.

I watch for this carefully since I did this several years ago and the guy actually stopped me mid-sentence and said, "Peppergirl, I hail from (where ever), but I am not deaf."

He didn't say it unkindly, and it was a great learning experience for me, even though it's mostly reflexive to do so, at least for me.

I have to second the PP's that said that as long as you speak kindly and slowly, most people don't get frustrated and will usually happily slow down or try their best to get their point across.
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All In A Day's Work / Re: Publically redefining a friendship UD #14, #31
« Last post by Roe on Today at 11:45:36 AM »
Woah, she actually had the gall to invite you out for a drink?  Don't just "be busy" that day, say NO, make her hear a loud NO. 

Wow. Something is really off with this one.
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I must have been switched at birth with a baby from another part of the world.  I hate ice.  I feel bad when I have people over who want ice in their drinks because I pretty much never have any.  Ironically, when I used to have a refrigerator with an ice maker, it actually was great for me because it ensured that if someone wants ice in my house, they could have some.
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Your biggest issue isn't the "difficult student", it is a "difficult boss".  Actually, your boss is quite weak and ineffective.  THAT is your issue.  THAT is the main problem.  THAT is why students feel they can do and say what they want. 

I'd document and then head on over to HR.  Instead of making him deal with 'difficult' students, make him deal with HR.  (and you)  You will probably get better results that way.  And I didn't think a boss could forbid an employee from heading to HR. Can they? Hmmm....

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Man, it's too bad you couldn't trade your boss for the one in post "Publicly redefining a friendship"!   Talk about two methods of handling personnel issues that are worlds apart. :o
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Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Reading/Book Pet Peeves
« Last post by Yarnspinner on Today at 11:37:04 AM »
I read a book that sounded interesting, but quickly realized it was one of those "unreliable narrator" books. Even the (annoying) main character doesn't know what's real and what's not, and I didn't understand the ending. The author also cared more about imagery than story. It was my own fault though. When I saw the book compared to Black Swan, I should have known better than to pick it up.

I don't like mind trips. I like books that's straight forward, even in fairy tales, fantasy, ghost stories, etc.

See, I love the unreliable narrator trope, but I resent it when the book cover spells out exactly why they are unreliable.  I started an Unreliable Narrator Series for my book club (in the high and unrealistic hope that it would tempt a few people to come back--another story for another time).  The very first book is "We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves" by Karen Joy Fowler.  The book cover casually gives away what turns out to be a rather BIG plot twist .
I started reading the book (which is very good) and kept saying to myself, "why doesn't she refer to X as really being Y?"  until I finally realized that the whole reason the narrator is unreliable is because it isn't until page 80 or so that she finally comes clean about the plot point referred to on the book jacket.  So you go into the story thinking okay, I already know about X, so I wonder why she's an unreliable narrator--and it's the X factor that makes her the unreliable narrator, not some new revelation further down the road.  Ugh!
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