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41
Life...in general / Re: Help with sticky situation
« Last post by FauxFoodist on Yesterday at 08:17:36 PM »
What is it you are dreading?  You state that you were very excited and happy to have Elise and Rick along with you on part of your vacation.  How does that change?  Are you not as fond of this couple now that you learned they are pretty close to the enemy couple?  If so, that's really unfair.

Yes, you're being unreasonable and will have to figure out a way to get over the fact this couple and you have mutual friends.  No one in this circle is doing anything wrong, except for you when you spilled (but, alas, we know alcohol can prompt us to do things we shouldn't!).  It doesn't reflect well on you to continue down this path and might hurt your relationships with all the people you do like.

I know it's easier said than done, but you really have to figure out a way to get over the fact this couple is part of your social circle.  My DH has some horrible individuals in his life who I want nothing to do with.  They aren't allowed in our home, and I don't socialize with them if I can help it.  I couldn't imagine asking anyone to pick sides in this respect, but I certainly don't cross paths with them voluntarily.
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Here are a couple stories from my current (soon-to-be previous) job:

Gold - The girl I replaced when I started my job turned out to be a thief. Apparently, she'd been using company credit cards to fund her personal purchases and hiding them with coding for years. Fooled her co-worker she shared an office with as well. Until one day, when the thief outed herself by making a big stink about missing paperwork - for something she stole. Lost her job. (And opened the position for me.)

Silver - I share an office with somebody who has some ...issues... and treats me like I am the rug she gets to walk on. Well, everybody has a point where they have enough. One day, after she nitpicked me to death for something really stupid, I asked my boss what I did wrong. He said, "Nothing. I would be annoyed too." I was just frustrated and wanted to know what to change on my part. I never expected boss to talk to her. Next thing I know, CW walks back in our shared office, slams things about and mutters nonsense about hating "tattletales". (Yes, like a little kid.) Then she stalked out and went to talk to HR (I assumed, because HR came back and yelled at my boss...). Something must have happened, because evil co-worker stopped making her nasty comments after that. She still speaks to me like I am stupid sometimes, but I think I got the better end of the deal with a new job. Plus, I get the satisfaction of knowing she will have to do my job on top of her own work until they find a replacement. I feel sorry for the replacement.

Bronze - Another co-worker from another department is currently shooting herself in the foot. She's spent a lot of time backstabbing everybody and their brother. She also boasted about applying for jobs and getting interviews before even getting offered the job. Then she didn't get either job she'd boasted about. Add to that the number of times she has called off sick and the fact that she came into work today and seemed REALLY out of it (like, kind of stoned). Let's just say the director isn't very happy with her right now.
43
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: What went wrong at your wedding
« Last post by viedejoie on Yesterday at 08:01:40 PM »

I have these cousins who are musicians and love to perform, and without asking me, they got up and took over the stage for awhile.  My cousin Amanda, (God rest her soul), always loved being the center of attention, and could not sit back even for one day and allow me to be the "star."  Now that she is gone, so many people in our family have remarked at how "wonderful" it was that I have these memories of her performing at my wedding reception, well, no.  Not every family gathering has to turn into "The Sound Of Music." That might sound really petty, but it annoyed me at the time.  I suppose the guests enjoyed it, but it wasn't what I had planned, and it wasn't done in any way to honor me, it was done so they could show off.

Thank you for sharing this.  My inlaws did some "surprises" at our wedding that upset a few guests and it always bothered me that they hadn't let me know ahead of time (since everything was planned out!)... and my X never understood what was wrong there.  What was wrong was their intent.  It was about them showing off, not about honoring the bride and groom.  One guest even left in a huff, and I felt so bad when I learned about it later!
44
"I don't want to be 'that' MIL."

Honey, you crossed that boundary so long ago you can't even see it in your rear view mirror.  I also thought that particular line was so blatantly disingenuous that it was as if she thought Carolyn Hax and the Haxphiles would leap at the cue: Oh, no, you're a wonderful MIL!  Don't say that!
45
Life...in general / Re: Help with sticky situation
« Last post by rigs32 on Yesterday at 08:00:23 PM »
I have known some people like your ex-friends.  Heard stories of dramatic behavior or hurting others, but until I witness such behavior or it affects me directly, I usually don't hold that against them.  It may be in my mind, but it's not fair for me to take sides when I wasn't a party to the conflict.  And that's what you're expecting them to do.

Would you expect and ex-partner who hurt you during a breakup to be forever shunned by mutual friends?  Sounds like you want these new friends of your to do something similar and that's just not fair.
46
All In A Day's Work / Re: Can't you see I am busy??
« Last post by pierrotlunaire0 on Yesterday at 07:46:27 PM »
Years and years ago, I was the payroll person for a company.  I was always getting interrupted by sales reps who wanted to see: commission calculations, bonus calculations, etc.  There wasn't really a question about my accuracy, the reps knew that I did calculations better than they did.

One time, a rep walked into my office to ask me if I had figured out his numbers yet.  Some words my boss had said popped into my head, and I blurted them out: "Inquiring about the payroll process slows down the payroll process."  He looked at me blankly and I seized the opportunity, "I can't be interrupted."  He slunk away and I learned my lesson.

From there on in, anyone who walked in while I was working on payroll calculations, would be met with the raised hand and the words: "I am working on payroll right now and can't be interrupted.  I have a deadline if you want your paycheck on Thursday."  I don't recall anyone pushing the issue, but I would have repeated that I had a deadline.

47
Family and Children / Re: Carolyn Hax today: MIL oversteps her boundaries
« Last post by RubyCat on Yesterday at 07:46:22 PM »
I wanted to cry on behalf on the DIL.  Poor woman was probably looking forward to a weekend where she could eat whatever she wanted for dinner, watch whatever she wanted on TV after kid went to sleep, and have a nice big bed to stretch across on her own - and then just miss her husband enough to be happy when he got home.

Then the in-laws show up uninvited and she feels obligated to host.  And the MIL can't understand what she did wrong.  Holy boundary stomping... heck, it goes beyond that.  Holy boundary burning.

And not only that, but the MIL STAYED. After seeing her DIL burst into tears, she STAYED.

Well, she was 8 hours from home, with no car.
I suppose she could have said, "Oh, I'll go to a hotel and hang out there all by myself."

But even if I were furious at my MIL or my own mother, I wouldn't have demanded that.



 And I agree with this:
Quote
A normal first reaction might be puzzlement, but not this poor gal. Because one doesn't burst into tears and run away unless it's happened before.

I agree, it wouldn't have been gracious, but honestly, when you ignore someone's wishes, that is the treatment you risk.

I agree as well. But also, I'm guessing that this is not the first time the MIL overstepped boundaries and the wife felt backed into a corner. What she did was so pushy and so thoughtless and her reaction was so clueless that I have to presume that this is the way she rolls (over people).
48
Family and Children / Re: Carolyn Hax today: MIL oversteps her boundaries
« Last post by shhh its me on Yesterday at 07:45:27 PM »
I wanted to cry on behalf on the DIL.  Poor woman was probably looking forward to a weekend where she could eat whatever she wanted for dinner, watch whatever she wanted on TV after kid went to sleep, and have a nice big bed to stretch across on her own - and then just miss her husband enough to be happy when he got home.

Then the in-laws show up uninvited and she feels obligated to host.  And the MIL can't understand what she did wrong.  Holy boundary stomping... heck, it goes beyond that.  Holy boundary burning.

And not only that, but the MIL STAYED. After seeing her DIL burst into tears, she STAYED. She seems to condescendingly admit that her DIL "pulled it together" but points out how unwanted and unloved she felt during the visit. Really?  You felt unwanted after you were specifically asked not to come, but then did it anyway? What a shock. I would love to know how that internal monologue went in that woman's head, "Well, she told me that she didn't want me to come, but I mentally dismissed most of her concerns, so I'll just show up and she'll be too uncomfortable to turn me away or be ungracious."

As someone who seriously values my alone time, I don't think I would have been able to do anything but burst into tears, either. I would feel so unheard, un-valued and un-loved. Shame on that MIL

My ex MIL was like this (not as bad , but then again we didn't live 8 hours away for her to even try to show up for a weekend) Coincidentally ,my MIL also did not want to be "That MIL" and had complained about the pushy things her own MIL would do. I do think her feelings may have been actually hurt when I chose to be firm.  I think is a form of narcissism , "I want ...........you like/love me , therefore you will provide/do .........." with no regards to the fact they want something from an actual person with feelings of their own. IT was very similar to dealing with a 2 yearold , including a full on throwing things tantrum when she get what she expected for Christmas.  She had some empathy for other people with "Those MILS" she just had no clue she was actually worse then 97% of "those MILS".
49
Family and Children / Re: Are there universal rules of etiquette for children?
« Last post by Yvaine on Yesterday at 07:41:56 PM »
And there's another part to "seen and not heard"--the "seen" part. The rule goes back, I think, to a time when kids weren't to speak, but also weren't to occupy themselves with "kid stuff" with the other kids--they were kind of put on display, really. To me it carries a whiff of child-as-status-symbol. And it looks like it may have begun as specifically targeted at young women:

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard.html
50
Family and Children / Re: Carolyn Hax today: MIL oversteps her boundaries
« Last post by aiki on Yesterday at 07:41:37 PM »
Some of the boundary tramplers I know have such a record of this sort of behavior that my response would be to turn them away at the door. "I'm sorry, I'm not equipped for house guests. There is a hotel/motel/b&b down the road." At the point where someone drives EIGHT HOURS to show up somewhere knowingly uninvited I don't think they deserve any more than the iciest civility.

Yes. I would apologize to FIL about his weekend with his son being ruined, and tell him it would be best for everyone concerned for him to load his wife back into the car and get her out of my sight before I said anything I might regret. At my age, I do angry before I do upset.   
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