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  • November 29, 2015, 09:10:36 PM

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51 general / Re: Asking for gift cards
« Last post by TootsNYC on Today at 02:13:24 PM »
I've been in gift-giving situations where I was totally happy with the idea that my cash (or gift card) would go to pay bills.

Because then my gift was "starting our marriage with a lot fewer money worries"--what's more long-lasting than that?

It's all in the framing.

Oh, and I personally believe that it's a wise and gracious choice to contact someone later to let them know what you purchased with their gift card.
   I think that this would make them feel even better about giving you a gift card in the future. A little positive reinforcement!
All In A Day's Work / Re: Bogus names on attendance list
« Last post by TootsNYC on Today at 02:06:14 PM »

If you want to address the bogus name invites, but do like to be jokey about it what about something like...say something about real names and also something in an email like,,,,, "please note that really names must be used for the invitations. Superman please put Clark Kent from accounting next time. "

Or "we were going to have some special guests that night, but have just been informed that Superman and the Tooth fairy have to fly out of town that night ..they will be missed and their names taken off the attendee list."


I think this sort of approach would just egg people on and make them feel that they'd been successfully funny & clever instead of mildly annoying and inconsiderate.
  I believe it was to show her skill and control.  I had forgotten about how she had used to boast about being a short order cook years before when her 1st husband had a restaurant for a short time. 

OK, color me "completely NOT impressed."

Because a truly skilled short-order cook would have the control to make one stupid egg differently.

Heck, a good short-order cook could make several different orders--that's the whole POINT of a short-order cook.

It may have been to showcase her *control*--not of her stove, but of everybody else.
All In A Day's Work / Re: Oh that's just Jane....
« Last post by TootsNYC on Today at 02:02:51 PM »
Here's why people say that. Choose any and all that apply.
(for ease of grammar, I'm going to use singular "she" and "he" for the badly behaving people, with the caveat that both men and women can be unpleasant people)

They have no authority to "hold her accountable" for her bad behavior
      (in this case, they don't feel that they could fire her, or even ding her raise)

They don't even know how to start dealing with her.

They don't want to deal with the unpleasantness they'd have to endure to get anywhere in terms of effectiveness

(When it's social, there's another section to the list)

I do think that you, Jack, and Jill can relentlessly oppose her when she's behaving badly. Don't appease her; be firmly rejecting of her world view.
   Keep it short--"long" can get into a lecture, and that's not effective.

Say things like, "I reject the accusation that I took one of your coffee pods. Don't accuse me of that ever again."  Or, "you know that Jack doesn't drink coffee; it's pretty rude to accuse him of it."

Say things like, "Jane! That was a really rude way to talk to Jill. Surely you can do better." And stop.

In meetings, say, "Jane, I don't have a lot of time--I want to get back to the topic."
or, "If I could draw us back to our agenda..." 

Your other option is to go to management and say, "I want to talk confidentially and seriously. Jane has always been prickly, but she's out of control. Seriously, she threw things at Jill, and she's pretty nasty. I'm certain that Jill feels isolated and under attack. Jane will drive her away. I hope I can persuade you that this is an escalating and serious matter."
Family and Children / Re: A child I met on Thanksgiving
« Last post by TootsNYC on Today at 01:53:37 PM »
However-I find it unkind of Melissa to say that she hates something her guest clearly likes and encourage you to join in. I understand they're family, I understand Melissa is an adult and Anna is a child but I don't think that makes it okay. Harsh put downs of things others enjoy aren't nice.

I agree--with the comment from Melissa being not nice to the child, but especially rude to YOU to involve you in her disciplining of the child.

And it's a tactical error on Melissa's part. She created a division that Anna felt she needed to act out about. I think it's pretty clear that Anna really wanted attention, even if it was negative.
And, well, some people are just  bad at spelling. Dyslexia, other learning disabilities, unfamiliar with certain sounds, etc. I think it's usually a mistake to assign motives, or lack of caring, to not getting someone's name right because I find that people who get namse wrong tend to do it all the time, with names of everybody. I'm sure there are people who do it to be passive-aggressive, but I think assuming malice/uncaring is usually misplaced. (I don't know the backstory with the OP's son and teenagers can be sensitive so I'm not faulting him for feeling that way, but speaking more in general)


Oh, no, not a full meal. That would be rude, I think.

If we were talking about, say, a formal event or dinner party, then perhaps.  But should OP with a serious food allergy really eat before and/or go hungry at her family's holiday meal because a new person is cooking the food who may not be familiar with her needs?  That seems..... at best unnecessary and at worst\ an almost martyr-ish attempt to maintain proper etiquette.

I would think for a family holiday meal, especially one the size of what OP described, the rules should be looser.

I agree with rigs32. I've been at meals (including Christmas) where someone has brought along a Tupperware dish (and then transferred it to a proper plate) containing their own meal. As it was for medical reasons, it wasn't the least bit rude.

Just taking food with you seems so much easier than trying to call the person cooking, instructing them on how to prepare the turkey, buy a new cutting board, use non wood utensils and instruct them on how to avoid cross contamination.  You can't explain how to cook for someone with food issues in a simple phone call.
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Aggressive Borrowing in Perpetuity
« Last post by Yvaine on Today at 01:24:15 PM »
I'm really wondering if some of the bad borrowers are doing it on purpose, they don't care, or treat their own things just as badly?  Like leaving a mess in someones car.  How can someone in good conscience leave it like that and think it's ok. Breaking things and returning them thinking that if they don't own them it's fine?  I'd really like to know.  Is it personality disorders? Meanness? Lack of giving a darn? Lack of attention to detail?

They don't treat their own any better. That's why they needed yours!  ;D
You can certainly reply, "Thanks for sharing the photo of [corrrect spelling]!  I love his smile here."  That will give her the hint that the spelling is wrong.

  It's possible, though, that she doesn't "see" spelling in the same way you do -- there are people I love who will never, ever get my name right, and that's okay, they don't mean it disrespectfully.  So I think it's also important to start teaching your son to be less sensitive about his name.  This isn't the last time he will encounter a misspelling.   
Quite possible.  I see Katharine, Kathryn, and Catherine as different names entirely, yet many people shrug and say they're all the same. well as people who go further, saying that Catherine, Kate, Katie, Caitlyn, Kathleen are all the same!
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Last post by Diane AKA Traska on Today at 01:14:32 PM »
My own mother (who I loved dearly and miss all the time) could push my buttons like no one else. The way I look at it, no one can "get to us" quite like family, because they're the only ones hat we let inside our armor. It's a precious, wonderful, terrible double-edged blade.
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