Family and Children / Re: OK - I need a gut check. Husband wants to help but it frustrates me? Updt #48« Last post by Lynn2000 on Today at 04:10:28 PM »
Before, a lot of stuff fell on you to figure out. Now, you're more of a team. I think that's the way a lot of people would prefer it to be, actually. But if you're used to relying mainly on yourself it can be tough to adjust. Maybe it would help to think, not in terms of "What do I need to accomplish this week?" but rather, "What do we/does the household need to accomplish this week?" Then it's not, "*I* need to be home Tuesday to receive a package," it's "Someone needs to be home Tuesday to receive a package." Or "Someone needs to do the laundry," not "*I* need to do the laundry."
This all depends on what the OP's Dh is able to do and not do. I don't want to pry into the level of his disability, but it might be that OP still has to do all of the household chores, so she needs some set days at home to do them. Or it could be that her Dh can do some of these things but only some of the time, when he is up to it. If I were the OP and was in the situation that I never knew when I would get any help, it would be extremely hard for me mentally. Yeah, I already know it wouldn't rattle some people, but it would rattle me. I wouldn't know if I needed to do 4 loads of laundry after work on Monday because my Dh won't be up to it tomorrow, or whether I can relax with the family because he will be up to it tomorrow. It would be very difficult to manage a household that way. This is no one's fault and is frustrating for both people, I'm sure. The OP has already indicated that income has decreased so hiring a housekeeper is probably not an option. This is a complicated situation. I think the only thing to do is for OP to do is ask her Dh to please throw a load of laundry in or do a load of dishes whenever he possibly can. That way on those days, OP can relax with the family more when she gets home. If he can't, he can't, but I do think that if he is able, this would help contribute by taking some real chores off the OP's plate instead of him doing something that actually makes the OP rearrange her entire week.
POD, especially to the bolded. In some ways it's a weird hybrid between "DH can help" and "DH cannot help," if you never know when exactly the help will come or what he'll be able to do--it can be really difficult to let go of the feeling that you have to take care of everything, because he can't be relied upon to always take care of something for you. No one's fault, but I can see how it would be really frustrating.
Maybe there are small things that could be done, to take the pressure off specific chores. Like, if doing laundry is high priority because you have a limited number of X clothing item so they need to get washed twice a week, perhaps investing in more of that clothing, so you can be more flexible about when the laundry gets done, would be good. Or, depending on DH's disability, maybe it would be easier for him to carry the laundry to the washer in a small drawstring backpack, than tote a full laundry basket in front of him, which would make the chore easier to do. Or if you got another couple of laundry hampers and separated the clothing as you discarded it, so he wouldn't have to bend over sorting things. I don't know why I'm obsessed with the laundry, sorry.
Also, although getting the seat belt in the truck fixed and looking into a parking placard/sticker for the truck are good ideas in general, they may not really help that much with the issue of taking DD to school. I think you'd need to check into the applicable laws for whether DD could ride in the truck even with the car seat, for example. And I've heard that with some brands of car seats, it's not a good idea safety-wise to move them from vehicle to vehicle repeatedly, in case they get installed incorrectly. My friend got a car seat with two bases, one to keep in her car and one for her DH's, so that they were only popping the chair part with the kid in and out (that's what it was designed for). But when their child got older, the bigger car seats didn't have that feature, so they decided to install it only in her car, which reduced the flexibility they had to transport the child. I don't know if any of that would apply here, but it's something to look into.