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61
Family and Children / Re: Uncomfortable bridal shower
« Last post by POF on Yesterday at 09:42:50 PM »
Your host was rude.  It's up to the hostess to outline what the dress code is going to be particularly if she plans on treating people like outcasts if they don't adhere to it.

It's a shame that while your hostess knows how to dress and can locate all the best bible verses, she doesn't know how to be welcoming to the stranger.  Pity.

You did nothing wrong.  She was rude.

Thank you for stating so well what I was thinking. 
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Life...in general / Re: I don't speak Hint
« Last post by Hmmmmm on Yesterday at 09:37:44 PM »
I don't know any hinters who only hint. At work I'm direct. With my kids and my close relatives and friends I'm probably direct 70% of the time. I only use Hints if I'm not sure what I'm asking can easily be accommodated.
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Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Holiday Newsletters
« Last post by TootsNYC on Yesterday at 09:25:43 PM »
The times that I've done them, this is what I aim for, actually:

Quote
  In a weird way I like her newsletter because it's exactly the way she talks and acts.  This random, confused stream of consciousness that goes around in circles.

Not that style, but the idea:
  I want the letter to feel almost like a visit with me.

So I try to interesting or illuminating stories about the kids, something that would make you feel like you really knew them. The grade they're in would be quick, and then there'd be some story that, to me, is "the" story about what kind of kid they are. Ditto husband, and even me.
  With the kids, I try to tell the story of how they are interacting with me. My story, that's linked to them.


It's not always positive--sometimes I put in our struggles (well, mine; the kids' when they were younger, but now it's their story).

I have sort of stopped doing one, bcs that's also the sort of stuff I put on Facebook, so it doesn't seem necessary.
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Family and Children / Re: Uncomfortable bridal shower
« Last post by JoieGirl7 on Yesterday at 09:17:00 PM »
Your host was rude.  It's up to the hostess to outline what the dress code is going to be particularly if she plans on treating people like outcasts if they don't adhere to it.

It's a shame that while your hostess knows how to dress and can locate all the best bible verses, she doesn't know how to be welcoming to the stranger.  Pity.

You did nothing wrong.  She was rude.
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Life...in general / Re: Etiquette of leaving negative feedback
« Last post by cross_patch on Yesterday at 09:12:37 PM »
The next time we bring the car there for any work, I'll tell them that they are not to adjust the seat at all.

That's entirely unreasonable of you. The mechanic's going to have to get behind the seat, to test things or simply to move the car. Let's say that they do that first thing in the morning, and then you pick up the car in the afternoon or a day or more later. How's the mechanic (possibly not even the same one) going to know where to put the seat back to? Should they readjust the seat every time they move it? Personally, I think that they'd laugh at you for that one, or suggest that you take your business elsewhere (I would.) That, or simply charge you dealership labor rates for readjusting the seat.

This is truly a first world annoyance and not worthy of making an issue with the dealership. If you don't like them adjusting the seat then do your own maintenance.

Completely agree.
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Life...in general / Re: A hostess gift that overshadows the hostess...
« Last post by cross_patch on Yesterday at 09:05:01 PM »
Your last scripted line makes no sense.  She already did go to the trouble.

I really think you are going to spoil your own pleasure by giving this so much head space and making it such a control game.  I mean, I really do understand that you don't want to serve anything you didn't plan.   Especially if it's from Joan, because she really gets under your skin.

But I think you'd be making a big mistake to play it out as you fantasize (although I do understand how it feels satisfying! :))

I hate to say it, but if I were another of your guests, and you did this, I'd understand why, but it would seem childish, petty, and controlling to me.  I might think, "oh, there goes Joan again -- I hate when she does that.  But for heaven's same, why is MM making such a big deal out of it?  Just put out the darn salad instead of making sure Joan knows who's boss and making the rest of us uncomfortable."

Also, what will you do if others bring things?  Maybe even something you would like to serve and that your guests would enjoy?  That could easily happen given the way you say you are inclined to phrase it.

What if Joan brings something the others would love and that would go great with your menu - say, a great box of chocolates or fancy fruit.  Would you really not serve it just to "win"?

When I feel like this, and of course we all do, I try to imagine how the classiest, most gracious, most mature hosts I know would handle it.  I'm sure they get as irritated as anyone.  But they never let it show, and they are as gracious to their most disliked guest as to their favorites.  I always feel better about myself when I resist the temptation to try to get satisfaction.  (It never works anyway!)

Maybe consider avoiding the situation by being very clear but polite with Joan in advance rather than planning how to thwart her.  Maybe an email like, "Joan -- We are looking forward to seeing you at the mystery dinner.  One thing, though -- I know you always like to help out with the food. But I have a thing about that; I really like to plan a menu carefully and stick to it, and it throws me off when people bring other things to serve.  You're a great cook, and we look forward to enjoying your food at your house or a potluck.  But please, humor me and don't bring anything next week. Okay?  Thanks!"

This way you are putting it on yourself and letting her feel good about herself.  Rather than making her feel wrongwrongwrong, you are asking her for her help -- a formula I have found works like magic.   You may even find her saying to you, "uh oh, Marvin brought a dip!  Want me to tell him to put it in the car?  I know you don't like that."

I have to say I really agree with this post. I know you said it was about reinforcing 'boundaries', but it would feel like a power struggle to me if I was there as a guest, and it would be uncomfortable, awkward and I would not think of you as a gracious hostess. I think if you are going to host her, rather than tell her she can't come you should put some of gellchom's suggestions into play, or run the not-insubstantial risk of making the gathering an uncomfortable one.
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Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Last post by Winterlight on Yesterday at 09:03:07 PM »
I wonder, are people who generally lack situational awareness simply somewhat obtuse, or SS?

At an art show today, I found it frustrating that, in tight quarters, groups of people would stand and chat for extended periods right in front of the artworks on display!!  (And I mean, RIGHT in front of...) There was a whole area set aside for chatting/food/entertainment, so there was no need to stand in the way of those trying to view paintings.

I think it's SSy to block the view of the artwork if you aren't actually looking at it. If you're chatting about politics, the weather or Susy's diaper rash, please step to the side.
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Family and Children / Re: Uncomfortable bridal shower
« Last post by Yvaine on Yesterday at 08:58:32 PM »
The shower theme was "times of the day," and we were all given a specific time of day to buy a present for. I got 4 pm, and found a cute little tea set that I thought was perfect.

All the other gifts? The ones for 8 am, 10 am, noon, 2 pm, 6 pm, 8 pm, 10 pm and midnight? Sexy lingerie.

I'm sorry, I know this must have been uncomfortable in the moment, but this is cracking me up laughing for some reason.  ;D
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This is sorta breakfast, so I'll share.  I'm not a big breakfast person which I know is bad for me, but there you have it.

Also, I'm going to be as big as a house if I don't clamp down on this recent habit:

In Keurig, I run one pod of hot cocoa on small setting.  Then on top of it (in same cup), I run I pod of hazelnut coffee over it also on small setting. Stir, then add a bit of half-and-half and stir again. 

If I do say so myself, it tastes better than some of the Mochas I've gotten in the pricey coffee houses.  ;D

I have been doing the same thing - but I use a sugarfree swiss miss packet in the mug, and then run a pod of dark coffee. I add some milk and it is delicious.


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Family and Children / Re: Uncomfortable bridal shower
« Last post by otterwoman on Yesterday at 08:54:36 PM »
I think that how the bride has treated you since the shower is more important. Does she treat you well, comfortably friendly with you, or is she more civil, formal? If she is friendly and relaxed as she was before the shower, it may be that she didn't get a lot of say in the shower planning. Perhaps she wasn't offended by the gift, but simply knew it would shock the majority of the guests.

It's years in the past, so don't stress about it.

We've seen them 2 times since the wedding, which was 5 years ago.  They used to be regulars at BBQ's and family birthday parties, but that all stopped with the wedding.  We aren't even invited to Cousin's birthdays :(

Cousin calls DH often to discuss hunting and fishing, but I think we make his wife so uncomfortable that he just stays away to make her happy.

We're not an embarrassing rowdy group.  We just aren't as religious and I think our casual get togethers and lack of formality really bothered her. We tried to make her feel welcome.


Don't blame yourself for losing contact with him. My bet is that she planned all along to cut him off from his family after the wedding. Just my suspicious mind...
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