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61
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: What.....wait, .....WHAT?
« Last post by SamiHami on Today at 10:48:20 AM »
2LM, a neighbor suggested I do the same, apply for assistance and tell them I was single so I'd qualify for help. Uhh, no. Not going to happen.

Another woman suggested I use my ADD to get disability. Now, my ADD is so mild as to cause me to wonder if I have it at all at times. I sure as heck am not going to claim it to get money so I don't have to work.  ::) Same woman decided she was going to get her doctor to diagnose her with ADD so she could get disability knowing she doesn't have it.

I knew another woman in my neighborhood who told me "Oh we're moving across the country so my husband won't have to pay child support to his ex-wife"

I think what really blew my mind is that these people had absolutely no shame in talking about it and letting it be known they were abusing the system or at least saw no problem with doing so.
While other people get the hairy eyeball when they use WIC checks or food stamps because they genuinely do need it and aren't scamming anyone.

That sound you hear is me snorting with derision at those awful people. I recall a (now former) friend who married a man that she knew had a child from a previous marriage. She eventually told me that they didn't pay support for her nor did they ever have contact with her. I was told this was an agreement that my friends' DH had with his ex; he would stay out of their lives and she would not request support. Who knows how much of this is true.

Fast forward a few years later and my friend is livid! Seems the ex wife wants to start receiving support for the now 10 year old child. Friend wasn't very happy at my comment that parents are supposed to support their kids and that they were lucky she wasn't asking for ten years of back child support. See, by this time my friend had two kids with this deadbeat and her reasoning was that they couldn't afford to pay support for a third child. I told her that this isn't the third child...it's the first child and that by marrying someone with a child she should have expected to make payments at some point. Frankly, I couldn't respect a man (or woman) who walked away from their own kid like that.

That wasn't the only reason our friendship deteriorated, but it certainly didn't help matters. I'm of the opinion that if you have kids, you support them, period. Regardless of whether a court tells you that you must.

And this kind of leads into a different what...wait, ....WHAT? story from my own family...
62
Family and Children / Re: We're not going.
« Last post by Clockwork Banana on Today at 10:47:25 AM »
I disagree with that advice.  The only thing that does is still let Coley know that there are possible emotional 'bombs' in that folder.  It will still cause anxiety, knowing they are sitting there, waiting to be read.  The only reason to keep unwanted correspondence is when a toxic person escalates behaviour that borders on unsafety or illegality. So one might need emails or texts for a paper trail.

This does not seem to be the case here.  When I read the link from 2012 (which just about broke my heart for your DS, Coley) you stated that you had severely cut down contact.  Since then your mother only sends you guilt laden messages, as opposed to threatening ones, so there is no reason for you to keep a record.

If there is an actual health crisis with Aunt Catherine or your brother or anyone else in the family that you care about, you will hear about it.  You do not need your mother to triangulate or act as a gate keeper.

Ok, I need to bring this back to etiquette so I don't inadvertently get your thread shut down.  I don't think it would be out of bounds for you to get in touch with your aunt's guardian and ask her to let you know if Aunt's situation changes or her health worsens. Although I would assume that she would have to get Aunt's permission to keep you in the loop. If that is not possible, then again how about contacting, as you suggested, one of the cousins?  Not to talk about this phantom visit, but just to request to be kept apprised of Aunt's health or living situation.  The goal is again to make sure that your mother is not the information giver outer (Sorry, I have been up all night - insommnia, so I am losing my words).
63
All In A Day's Work / Re: "Are you still teaching?"
« Last post by Lula on Today at 10:44:46 AM »
I've been teaching long enough and I'm old enough (I turn 60 next year) to get this question quite a bit. Maybe I'm being irrational or over-sensitive, but I find it depressing. What I always hear is "You're so OOOOLD!" or "Your life is in a rut."
"Thank you for concern. I'll give it the consideration it deserves." Said without emotion. Walk away.

"Did you just say that out loud?" Said with a hurt look on your face.

"What did you mean by that?" Watch them back peddle.

And I'd be looking for different people to hang out with this holiday season. Life is too short to waste it in the company of such judgmental people.

These responses, to me, would be bizarre and rude.  If I were the one who ask the question, I'd be confused and hurt and have no idea what just happened.  Of course, I'd make a point of never approaching you again, so perhaps your goal would be accomplished!

I agree.  These would be appropriate responses to remarks like "you shouldn't still be teaching at your age" or "Wow, you must really be in a rut."  But to a perfectly normal, innocuous, conversation-making question like "are you still teaching?"  I'd get the impression OP was extremely bitter about her job and life.
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All In A Day's Work / Re: "Are you still teaching?"
« Last post by wildkitty on Today at 10:39:21 AM »
Hey, please don't think of it as an ageist question. Think of it as people are just weird and can't always come up with better conversation topics. I am 40, but throughout my career as a software engineer I've continually been asked if I still "play with computers". When I started my career at a well known mega-store (not Walmart), I was always asked if my job was to program the prices into the cash registers. I was horrified! Did these people really think I spent 4 years of blood, sweat, and tears obtaining my Computer Science degree just to do simple data entry?! Really though it was just the average person's lack of understanding of what I do and a way of making conversation.
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All In A Day's Work / Re: "Are you still teaching?"
« Last post by Deetee on Today at 10:36:34 AM »
I've been teaching long enough and I'm old enough (I turn 60 next year) to get this question quite a bit. Maybe I'm being irrational or over-sensitive, but I find it depressing. What I always hear is "You're so OOOOLD!" or "Your life is in a rut."
"Thank you for concern. I'll give it the consideration it deserves." Said without emotion. Walk away.

"Did you just say that out loud?" Said with a hurt look on your face.

"What did you mean by that?" Watch them back peddle.

And I'd be looking for different people to hang out with this holiday season. Life is too short to waste it in the company of such judgmental people.

From my reading of the OP, no one is saying those things. People are asking "Are you still teaching?" and she thinks the sub is "you are in a rut"
Op, I think the is just fine. It's more like "What are you up to? But they that you were teaching. Is be hard pressed to find insult in that question.
66
Time For a Coffee Break! / Re: Unknown impacts
« Last post by Mental Magpie on Today at 10:35:06 AM »
If anyone on this this tread would like more insight into the black experience in America during the 20th century, I highly recommend the following books:

Devil in the Grove by Gilbert King

The Savage City by T.J. English

Both of these books will open up a history that (to me at least) was previously only discussed in abstracts.

I'm very curious.  Thank you!
67
All In A Day's Work / Re: "Are you still teaching?"
« Last post by Surianne on Today at 10:30:46 AM »
This seems like a perfectly normal question to me, as acicularis notes.  I hear these questions all the time in normal, polite conversation -- "Are you still working at X?"  "Do you still volunteer at Y?"  "Do you still like to knit?"  There's zero insult involved and it has absolutely nothing to do with age.

I've been teaching long enough and I'm old enough (I turn 60 next year) to get this question quite a bit. Maybe I'm being irrational or over-sensitive, but I find it depressing. What I always hear is "You're so OOOOLD!" or "Your life is in a rut."
"Thank you for concern. I'll give it the consideration it deserves." Said without emotion. Walk away.

"Did you just say that out loud?" Said with a hurt look on your face.

"What did you mean by that?" Watch them back peddle.

And I'd be looking for different people to hang out with this holiday season. Life is too short to waste it in the company of such judgmental people.

These responses, to me, would be bizarre and rude.  If I were the one who ask the question, I'd be confused and hurt and have no idea what just happened.  Of course, I'd make a point of never approaching you again, so perhaps your goal would be accomplished!
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All In A Day's Work / Re: "Are you still teaching?"
« Last post by darling on Today at 10:25:51 AM »
I don't really see this as a rude question, more as making conversation. I get asked, "Are you still at Big Uni?" every single time I see certain relatives or acquaintances I don't see very often. It's Conversation. I've worked there over 15 years, and it's not likely to change anytime soon.

Since it annoys you, however, I would answer confidently, "Absolutely!", and move on to the bean dip if you don't want to continue that part of the conversation. Otherwise, tell them why you still love your work. Some people just don't get that it is possible to actually love what you are doing.
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All In A Day's Work / Re: "Are you still teaching?"
« Last post by acicularis on Today at 10:18:02 AM »
Oh dear. Threads like this make me afraid to even try to make small talk anymore. It would never occur to me that "Are you still teaching?" might be a sensitive topic best avoided. Because I certainly wouldn't mean to imply anything about how old someone is, or that they're in a rut. Honestly, I would have thought it to be a fairly innocent attempt to show an interest in someone's life.

As far as how to answer it, all I can suggest is to smile and say that yes, you're still teaching, and really enjoying it quite a bit. Then ask them about their life.

How to discourage such a question? I have no idea (although if it makes you feel any better, I will probably steer clear of it in the future, now that I realize it's a such a loaded question).
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A raisin dipped in peanut butter is great bait on snap traps.

But as for them eating the bait, that's what you want them to do.  It dehydrates them and they die of thirst, from what I understand.
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