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  • November 25, 2015, 08:59:00 AM

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Family and Children / Re: Break out the spine polish, I need a new coat
« Last post by Twik on Yesterday at 09:48:43 PM »
Your grandmother is old enough to know that when someone offers you a present, you don't smile and tell them that tripling it would just about meet your needs.

If the people she was inviting were people you'd like to see, and get along with, it would be one thing. But I gather that these aren't people you really want to exhaust your energy and wallet entertaining. You would be entirely correct to tell Grandma that you're afraid you can't make the dinner she's planning, and perhaps you'll see her some other time.

If you go along with this, I fear you'll have become "the person who cooks and pays for dinner for whoever Grandma wants to invite" for years to come.
Whenever parents complain that their kids won't visit, I always wonder what they've done to make visiting so unpleasant.
In this case, I noticed that the father said the kids visited about once every 5 years. Seriously? This problem has been going on so long that 1 visit in 5 years is a PATTERN? No, I don't think so- I think that's a pity tactic. Poor us, how cruel the children are. No wonder they don't want to visit, if it's a pity party or a guilt trip.

I'll go out on a limb and say, part of me thinks that if you aren't married, it's really inappropriate for you to demand the same privileges and social reactions as if you ARE married.
     Do you want to be treated the same way married people are? Get married.


With respect Toots, that's a bit harsh. There is an element of luck and timing in finding the right person to marry. Sometimes you can be doing everything "right", but simply can't find anyone half-decent to date, let alone marry. (I have a DF, but several of my wonderful single friends are in this boat).

Oh, believe me, I know how hard that can be. I too have friends who just haven't found someone. And won't settle (yay for them!).

But I didn't say "if you want people to think you're valuable, get married."

I said, "If you're in a relationship, and you want people to be obligated to treat you exactly as if you're married, get married." You want the insurance that married people get*? Get married. You want an automatic invitation to the wedding? Declare your relationship publicly (get married, get engaged, move in together). I was specifically speaking about people who are in a relationship.

Being given a "plus one" is not the same thing as being treated as if you're married. And there's no  obligation for a plus-one.

(*My single friends aren't in a relationship, and so they don't -want- insurance, or to be treated as if they're married. That's not the same thing as saying, "you can bring a guest to my event.")
Holidays / Re: 2015 Thanksgiving Menus
« Last post by shygirl on Yesterday at 09:11:52 PM »
For many years, we've always done a big thing for Thanksgiving.  It's one of my favorite holidays and we make a ton of food - traditional and non-traditional stuff because neither me or my husband are American.  (Well, I was born in the US.  So I am American, but my parents are Indian.)

BUT this year I'm burned out.  We always host everybody for everything, and I'm just so over it.  So I told my husband that I'm just going to make what I want to eat.  He apparently really wanted a turkey though, which wasn't part of my plans, so I offered to compromise and said I'd just get a turkey breast.  But he invited some friends over and they said they would bring a turkey!  I said "WOO-HOO!"

So the menu is:

Turkey (brought by guests)
Mashed potatoes
Mushroom ragu (to eat with the potatoes since we're not gravy people)
Green beans (blanched and then sauteed with garlic and lemon)
Stove top stuffing
Cranberry sauce
Fresh veggies

And for dessert:
Pumpkin pecan pie bars
Chocolate chip cheesecake bars
Family and Children / Re: Fired as a friend and holiday cards
« Last post by TootsNYC on Yesterday at 09:08:38 PM »
OP here.  To answer some questions, the reason I am considering sending a holiday card is that my cards are pictures of my children and I think my now former friend would like to see my children's pictures.  And she "fired" me by telling me that we were no longer friends due to her perception of how the friendship had evolved over the years.  (I am not comfortable explaining any of the details.)  I don't hold any ill will toward her and I am not interested in rekindling the friendship.  The gift she sent me months ago is something she orders every year and always sent it ahead of time.  She has never sent me cards. I have not been in the habit of giving her a gift at the holidays.

Someone who would say that to you is not someone who should be receiving pictures of your minor children--the children who rely on you to protect them from jerks and bozos, the children who rely on you to model how reasonable people behave.
Family and Children / Re: Fired as a friend and holiday cards
« Last post by Twik on Yesterday at 09:06:28 PM »
I have to agree, if she explicitly said she no longer wishes to be friends, the odds are high that she doesn't particularly want or expect to be sent pictures of your children.
77 general / Re: Dietary restriction question
« Last post by IrishGenes on Yesterday at 08:53:26 PM »
Check out this article IrishGenes:

It covers everything generally and then links to more specific information if needed.

Oh, that is helpful!  Thank you, Anna.  I didn't see this information in my online search earlier.  :)
I think Amy really missed the mark.

If adult children want to visit with family, they will do so. I'm in my early thirties (around the same age as the LW's children), and most of my similarly-aged friends and family and I visit our families all the time. Because we want to. Because we like our families.

On the other hand, a few of my friends don't like their parents and don't want to be around them. They come up with the exact same excuses that the LW's children do : too busy, too expensive, too hard to travel with children.

If your kids only visit you once in five years (as is the case with the LW), I'd venture a guess that they just don't like you, not that there's been some kind of generational shift.
I disagree to some extent with the last part. I know there were a couple of times that there was a large gap between visits to Mom's family. We lived around 3,000 miles apart according to google maps a 37 hour drive, or 7 hours travel time flying with 2 layovers and in the 1970s and 80s it was longer. I remember a leaving our house at 5 am Central time and getting to  Nanna's at 2 or 3 am Atlantic time. That was only if we didn't get stuck in Boston, NYC, or Chicago because of delays and missed connections. There were times when money was tight and Dad couldn't get off. He was in the beer business and there are lots of promotions between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Mom and I were forbidden to fly up there in the fall, winter, or spring - because the family was terrified we would both land in the Hospital with pneumonia. (August temps on PEI roughly like January and Feb here in Houston). Mom was terribly ill the one time we did go up in winter and I was pretty sick also.  With the LW - the gap on top of the other things is a nail in the coffin. But for people with good communication and everything else being great - large gaps can be cause by other factors.
BUT - if I had invited a friend who knew no one else at the wedding, I would personally make an exception. Or I would make sure that I seated him/her at a table of kind, inclusive people. Basically, I wouldn't just leave them to completely fend for themselves.

That's what we did at our wedding.

Most (all?) of the single people we invited were relatives who didn't have serious or long term SO. They came alone and were seated together, and we had many comments on how much fun they had at our wedding catching up etc. But I did have one friend who probably wasn't going to know anyone beyond my immediate family (parents/sister). Sister was a BM so wasn't available for sitting with my friend. Friend has/had a bit of social anxiety anyway, and had been widowed a few years earlier at a young age, so when she started dating not long before our wedding I was happy to invite him if it meant she'd be more comfortable. I can't remember whether she asked or I offered, but as it was only one extra person it didn't matter anyway. (He later turned out to be an absolute mongrel, but that's a different story).

We did also invite an elderly lady we knew, bit she declined, based on the fact she wouldn't know anyone beyond DH and me. Had she also asked about bringing someone that would've been okay too. But if we had 10 different people who wanted to invite a "plus one" simply for the sake of it, especially if they knew other people as was the case with the single relatives? No.
I kinda like  "Attention Lady-of-Negotiable-Value". Maybe we can work it into the Ehell lexicon, like clue-by-four and bat-poo crazy.

hmm the acronym for that is ALONV.  Kinda hard to pronounce.

Change value to... expense?  Then you get ALONE.
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