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  • December 01, 2015, 07:17:54 AM

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Family and Children / Re: The Host gets the best seat?
« Last post by Biscuitgirl on Yesterday at 07:17:29 PM »
I was raised that guests get the best. And also that the hosts sit at the head and foot of the table.

So in Bill and Betty's place, I'd have put two of the "bad" chairs at the head and foot of the table, and expect to sit on them.

Asking people to move after they have sat down, unless there is a good reason, such as the hosts needing to sit there to be able to easily get up and get to the kitchen, seems rude in this instance. If Bill wanted a particular chair or position at the table, the time to secure that was before people were allowed to sit down, not after.

It just seems ungracious to a) ask a guest to move and b) tell a guest they are getting worse accommodations than anyone else.

82 general / Your Intentions Are Good But Your Actions Are Intrusive
« Last post by Cherry91 on Yesterday at 07:09:14 PM »
I'm currently house/cat sitting for a family friend we'll call A. We have another mutual friend I'll call B. B runs a pet care based business.

Well, yesterday I got a special day's work, but the late finish and location across the city meant a very late return. As one of the cats I'm caring for needs medication twice a day, I asked B to go in and feed the cats in the evening. Please note, this was a business transaction, not a favour between friends. B was paid, this was arranged several weeks in advance, and her task was to feed the cats, clean the litter tray, and maybe give them a little stimulation if she had time.

However, when I came back to the flat, I discovered B had cleaned the kitchen. Between a developing head cold and a very early start, there were admittedly a few things out on the counters, but ultimately the place was clean and reasonably tidy. It's pretty obvious B put stuff away and sprayed and wiped down all the surfaces... And I feel she overstepped her bounds. I didn't ask her to clean the kitchen, nor did I pay her to do so.

I have no doubt B thinks she has helped me greatly, but I feel incredibly judged by her actions, since my level of cleanliness clearly wasn't good enough for her. Also, I'm concerned that if she tells A about how she "had" to clean the kitchen, she will make me sound like I'm letting A's flat become filthy when in fact I left a few things out to put away later.

Should I confront B on the matter and ask her not to do it again? Should I accept the action in the spirit it was intended, even if the execution was misguided?
Family and Children / Re: Help me get ready for winter???rude?
« Last post by Tea Drinker on Yesterday at 06:57:15 PM »
It's not rude either for her to ask for help, or for you to decline. Demanding help, on the scale you describe, is rude. Friends tend to do things for each other. People may choose to give good friends more help than those people can reciprocate, but it's a choice, not an obligation.

I have friends and family who are physically unable to help others. They don't demand help: they may request it ("I'd like to go to this event, if someone can give me a ride") but they don't treat people as unpaid servants, they say "thank you" for help and accept that if neither their friends or the not-very-good local taxi services can take them, they may have to stay home.

I suspect that the politest thing you can do in this case is ignore the rants; if she turned up at (say) a Christmas party and started calling me rude for not jumping to her demands, I would tell her that no, it's not rude to say "sorry, I can't help you" or to ignore the services equivalent of a fundraising letter. Ideally I would stop there, if necessary saying "sorry, I have to talk to Suzette/get a drink/use the bathroom" and walking away if she didn't, because I don't think I could remain calm and talk about the weather after that.
Family and Children / Re: Invite me more, but I won't feel welcome.
« Last post by on Yesterday at 06:50:27 PM »
I can't tell from your OP. Did she say it like it was your failing that made her feel this way? Or did she say it like she knows it's her problem to deal with, but because you are so close, she finally has gotten to the point where she can admit it, and that specific invitations might not make the feeling go away, but they would help?

Because I really identify with how she feels. It takes me YEARS of friendship before I shake the feeling that people aren't just tolerating me out of pity. I know it's stupid, and I do ignore it (to most people, I come off as confident and outgoing), but I have admitted this to a couple of friends who I felt close enough to. Not because I expect them to do anything about it, but because it explains why I'm sometimes awkward.

I think this is a good point. I'm still curious about how this admission to the OP came about. It's possible it indicates how close the relative feels to the OP, that she finally feels comfortable admitting this personal issue she has, which has nothing to do with the OP. In other words it could indicate the OP is doing everything right--maybe invite her specifically a little more often, if that's what she suggested. I know some people mean, and take, a "standing invitation" literally, but to other people, "you're welcome anytime" sounds more like "let's do lunch sometime"--a pleasant but vague suggestion, not really meant to be followed up on.

Well,  like I said in the OP, there have been some issues in the extended family lately.  Originally, X never feels welcome at your house was presented to me as a  third party complaint.  From X's SO to my DH to me.  So when we sat down to hash out some other issues I just asked X about it directly.  That's when I got this whole big line about no I don't feel welcome in your house, but I don't feel welcome anywhere.  Her SO even chimed in with stories about how she never feels welcome anywhere.  In light of that, I feel like it's an issue that has been used against us among the bigger family group, but either isn't our fault, or for some reason is something that they aren't being straight with us about. I don't know which it is.  Which is frustrating.

I wanted to clarify: So her SO said to your DH, in front of other people, that his wife felt unwelcome in your home with an implication that it was your fault. Then when you tried to talk to them directly about it they sort of waffled and said it's an issue she has with everyone? That does not seem very nice of her SO if he was saying it to make you guys look bad but then changed his tune with no audience present.

But I don't think there is anything you can do about making her feel more welcome if she said she just always feels unwelcome and won't explain why or try to work on it  :-\
Family and Children / Re: Help me get ready for winter???rude?
« Last post by Semperviren on Yesterday at 06:43:10 PM »
I know what it's like to try to maintain a house by yourself and it'd hard. I figure my options are:

1) Pay someone to do maintenance jobs
2) Figure out how to do it myself
3) Get a handy boyfriend who's good at/ likes fixing things
4) Or a generous boyfriend who can pay someone to fix them
5) Ask friends to help out

In the absence of options 3 and 4, I've been relying on a combination of 1,2, and 5. Option 5 comes with a subset of rules that I stick to:

-Don't rely excessively on Option # 5, and overuse or abuse your friends' help. Just because your friends are kind and willing to help out doesn't mean it's Their Favorite Thing Ever, or that they have nothing else to do.
- Don't assume. Just because they've helped you out once doesn't mean it's their job the next time and the time after that or that they've made an annual commitment.
- Reciprocate. You may not be able to help them cut down their dead tree in exchange for cutting down yours, but you can babysit their kids or help weed their garden.
- Be grateful, and show it. At a minimum, provide refreshments for whoever pitched in. Profuse and sincere thanks are in order. Let them know what their help has done for you in real terms ("This means I don't have to worry about that tree falling on my house in the next storm- I can't thank you enough").

Your friend sounds entitled and rude.
everyone is different.  If a person I just met asked me these questions, I'd shut down so fast she'd think I was cardboard (or the roadrunner).  It's one thing if we are acquaintances.  It's another thing if the first time I met you was 5 min ago at the sandbox. 
Family and Children / Re: Help me get ready for winter???rude?
« Last post by Hmmmmm on Yesterday at 06:31:28 PM »
The task is large(not storm windows) but my personal skill set is also very high. The type of task is specific to her type of home and will always be annual with that type of home. (Unusual type of home)
No she is not good or greatful for help but expects it as her due.
No she doesn't help others. She is getting physically unable to do so.
Actually that is kinda the problem her social circle when 20 or 30 could whip this project out in a day and she could do most of it. Now her circle  is 50 or 60 mainly and she has just gone and exhausted folks willingness to help and her friends are physically less able to help and she is physically unable to do much of it.

It appears that she became accustom to the "free ride" and now is put out that people aren't willing to be used forever.

If this was someone who helped out the community, allowed groups to utilize her home for functions or the neighborhood gathering place, then I do think the beneficiaries of her gifts of time, effort or hospitality should reciprocate. But this doesn't sound the case at all. It just sounds like she needs to realize she either needs to pay professionals or find a different living environment.
Dating / Re: Is it ever ok to ask your partner to drop a friend?
« Last post by PastryGoddess on Yesterday at 06:28:01 PM »
Yes, I think there are situations where it would be ok to ask a partner to drop a friend and I think they are more varied than one might think.  I think that relationships work when both people are comfortable.  And where it would be ok to ask a partner to drop a friend and give almost any reason for it (and it doesn't necessarily have to come with an ultimatum), I think the partner has a right to either accept or deny that request for any reason as well as decide if they can stay in a relationship where the request is made.  And what might seem unreasonable to me, might work for someone else.  That's why some people are compatible and others aren't.

For the example in the OP, I think it's more than reasonable to ask an SO to cut off contact with an ex that has no respect for the new relationship.  Even more so, I agree with those that say that it should never get to the point of having to ask, because if the couple respects their own relationship, they would insist that others do as well, or cut off contact on their own. 

It seems to me that the GF in this case, likes the attention and likes having someone pining over her and possibly making another jealous.  The BF is well within his rights to state that doesn't work for him, ask that she fix it, and then break up with her if she refuses. 

Personally, I can't imagine asking my DH to give up any relationship he has unless I think the third party is trying to drive a wedge between us, which thankfully isn't a scenario I have yet encountered.  He has a friend I don't like and who, I believe, doesn't like me, but I also think that it is healthy for him to have relationships that don't involve me.  For this particular friend, we can show a mutual respect for one anther.  We don't hang out together often and when we do, we are polite to each other.  He respects that I am DH's wife and doesn't bad mouth me and I respect that he is DH's long standing friend and do the same. 

My good friend, OTOH, has a DH who prefers that their friends all be mutual, which has caused some of her friendships (those that don't want to hang with her DH ever) to fall by the wayside.  My friend is ok with this, because they share the same philosophy on how they socialize as a couple and they have both allowed friendships to falter as a result.  That wouldn't work for me, but that is why I have not been in long relationships with men who think that way. 

See I'm concerned about stating the bolded because we really don't know the back story here.  You could be right and you could be wrong.  But I think its dangerous to assume the participants motives when we are not getting the whole story.  Remember, the OP is bringing it to us second-hand and paraphrased.

Yes, I agree.  That may not be her motive at all and may not even be the situation that was relayed to the OP. 

I can't imagine not getting frustrated with an ex that continuously told me how much he loved me if I was engaged to someone else or why I would want to salvage a friendship with someone who didn't accept my relationship status.  But, we don't know the real story, so the situation could be very different. 

Oh yeah, I feel the same way.  I mean we are exes for a reason right?  Beyonce was right....if you liked it, ya shoulda put a ring on it (or some variance of commitment thereof). 

But I didn't want to bring (too many) of my prejudices into my responses either.
89 general / Re: Spouse's friend gives me the cut at Thanksgiving.
« Last post by bah12 on Yesterday at 06:26:28 PM »
I'm not sure there's anything else you can do.  As frustrating as this sounds, the best thing you can do, you have already done...which is to focus on the good parts of the evening and avoid him in the future. 

I agree that the "see you without SOs present" could come across as a request for a guys' night outside of the context of H's general demeaner towards you.  I can understand why your DH didn't catch on to that if he hadn't really noticed the bigger pattern with you and H. 

As for what's causing it, if you haven't interacted with him since high school, he may be holding on to an old grudge that you've completely forgotten about, or he may have taken something you did or said in a way you never intended, which is why you can't think of it.  The question is whether or not this person is enough value to you to find out.  If so, then you can confront him or ask your DH to inquire about what is going on.  But, it sounds like he's not all that important of a person in your life, and if that's the case, just keep doing what you're doing and don't give him the benefit of knowing that he's upset you. 
Dating / Re: Is it ever ok to ask your partner to drop a friend?
« Last post by Peppergirl on Yesterday at 06:24:03 PM »
Typically I'm quite fanatic about people who allow their SO to tell them they can't talk to an ex, etc.  One of my ex's that I was still friends with dropped me when his GF told him to, and it was very hurtful.  For the record, I never sent disrespectful messages about wanting him back like the ex-bf in the story.

He was, however, happy to try to continue to contact me behind her back and seemed shocked that I was offended by this and told him to stick it.   ::)

Anyway, in this particular case I'm siding with the guy.  If her ex is disrespecting their relationship by sending texts about wanting her back, he has every right to be upset. 
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