News: There is a new Ehell Kindness Project!  Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • February 14, 2016, 08:49:58 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Recent Posts

Pages: 1 ... 5 6 7 8 9 [10]
91
Life...in general / Re: Cancelling one event, then going to another
« Last post by bah12 on February 12, 2016, 10:49:06 PM »
Tabitha, what I understand is this.   Alice was at work on a Thursday and began to feel unwell (I'm thinking something like a headache). She calls in sick to the volunteer commitment she had after work,  but decided to power through and stay at work (been there).  Later in the day,  she feels better so decided to call Beth and invite her or to dinner.  Beth agrees and they have a great time.  Some time after that,  on a different day,  Beth calls Alice and says let's do it again this Thursday" to which Alice replies that she has a standing commitment on Thursdays and can't.  Beth inquires about the previous Thursday and this is when Alice says she had called in sick,  but felt better so was able to go out.   

I can see where Alice wouldn't want to go into 20 questions about the nature of her illness,  but could have a "huh" moment afterwards,  so emails the OP asking for perspective.  One,  for the fact that she is cautious about illness and wouldn't have wanted to go out with Alice had she known she was sick earlier on the day, and then the broader question about whether or not Alice should have followed through with her original commitment if she really wasn't sick anymore (and for all we know,  she did call and was told she was covered). 

I personally believe Alice was not feeling well and then was feeling well and wasn't contagious and she did nothing wrong.   But I also don't think that Beth is a disingenuous, investigative person because she thought about this and sought perspective from someone she trusts.   A bit neurotic about germs,  maybe,  but not really OTT.  I've seen people make some crazy leaps about the motivation of others,  and this is so minor in comparison. 
92
Life...in general / Re: Cancelling one event, then going to another
« Last post by JoieGirl7 on February 12, 2016, 10:44:23 PM »
Yeah, I don't think what Alice did was cool. If she suddenly felt better, she should have contacted the organization to see if she was still needed. I do volunteer work too. If someone can't do their shift for whatever reason, it often means the remaining volunteer has twice the work to do, or am email goes out to the other volunteers to see if anyone can cover on an emergency basis. If someone does step up to the plate, they are doing you a favour but it could be at an inconvenience to them.

It does depend on the nature of the demands and the illness though. If someone calls in sick from something that involves lifting, bending, and cleaning, due to back pain, they may still be perfectly capable of going out for dinner.

Would it also depend on the nature of the commitment?  That's really between Alice and the volunteer organization---how it affects other volunteers is an issue to, but that is all the business of Alice, those volunteers, and the organization.

For all we know, Alice may have filled in for other people plenty of time herself.

For me, it just comes back to minding your own business. When something doesn't really affect you and for which the other person has not invited you in, leave it alone.

Beth didn't even know that Alice had a standing commitment so how she possibly be in a position to judge whether Alice's canceling was completely ethical?
93
Paper Trail / Re: Already married
« Last post by JoieGirl7 on February 12, 2016, 10:33:31 PM »
It doesn't explain why a previous poster would say that it would be ok to have a vow renewal within a few months of the wedding.  Vow renewals after along periods of time is fairly standard.  But the poster said that it would only be ok for a re-enactment of sorts after a few months in the case of a "marriage crisis" and this doesn't make sense to me.

I think you  misunderstood me. I am actually against vow renewals after three months because I think they have their place at a milestone anniversary or after a crisis. IMHO those vow renewals after a few months of marriage are re-enactments which are fine and dandy for truly historic events but not for Jane and John  Doe's wedding.

I'm happy to see my friends get married because it is an important event in their lives. But if I can't be there for some reason or another, I don't really need a re-enactment because essentially that's just play-acting.

All I have to go by is what you said which was:

Vow renewals have their place IMVHO at a wedding anniversary (25 years+) or after a crisis. But not three months into a marriage for show.
I think the OP should just have a big party with their friends and family, but no ceremony of any type.



I don't think its playacting at all.  I also don't think it's "for show."
 
Every time you vow something in the presence of witnesses, you are committing yourself.  The vows may be the same but the assembled group of people is not and so it's not truly a re-enactment or playacting.  Because now, you have added to the number of witnesses to your promises.

I think everyone agrees that it's not something that should be kept a secret.  If you don't want to witness it, you shouldn't have to.
 
And I don't think someone should do this lightly--

good golly, if someone can't get a a pass because of not one, but two, dying family members, then there's something wrong with the world.

These are extreme circumstances.
94
Life...in general / Re: Engagement story from the radio this morning
« Last post by VorFemme on February 12, 2016, 10:30:17 PM »
I understand the bride's feelings.

I am still not happy about finding out that my last living grandparent died by getting a phone call from my daughter (in another state) asking about what one of my cousins had posted to his Facebook page about his grandmother passing away less than two hours earlier.

My mother was still running around town getting things set up at the hospital for Grandmother to go to the funeral home which was shipping her body to "old home town" where she would be buried next to Grandfather; getting her clothes to the funeral home; checking with the nursing home; and picking Dad up from church where he'd gone to do some work (pastor) so that they could get packed & ready to travel, too.

She'd called her sisters, who called their children - but hadn't had her cell phone with her to call any of her own children.  None of my aunts thought to call their nieces & nephews...

I really think that some *announcements* need to be held for more than two hours so that people who might want to use the phone instead of Facebook have at least a slim chance of getting a call.

I never said anything to my cousin or his family - but it still feels "off" in that I learned that way instead of a phone call with details instead of a "what is going on" question from a confused relative one generation further down the "notification/phone tree", as it were.
95
Life...in general / Re: Cancelling one event, then going to another
« Last post by bah12 on February 12, 2016, 10:27:59 PM »
But Beth thought Alice was sneaky because Beth is cautious about illness.  If you are friends with someone that goes out of their way to avoid germs and illness, then I can see feeling they were being sneaky if they didn't disclose that they were feeling ill earlier that day...ill enough to a cancel on a previous commitment, especially if Alice knows Beth feels this way.  It doesn't have to be about whether or not Alice has the personal latitude to adjust her schedule based on how she's feeling at a given point in her day.  Maybe Beth wasn't the best choice of friend for Alice to spend time with that day...not because Beth has the right to judge Alice's choices on follow through with her volunteer job, but because Beth likes to avoid interacting with people who are sick.  Had Beth known that Alice was feeling ill earlier in the day, she would not have joined her for dinner, so it reads to me that Beth was more concerned about her being sick, then anything else.  And again, it's not out of the question for someone, especially someone who is cautious about germs, to think "if you were too sick to work, then maybe I think you are too sick to hang out with me."    Do I think Beth should get over it?  Yes.  But that doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to think "Hey, what gives?  You were sick?  I don't like being around sick people."

Isn't that still kind of relying on the worst interpretation, though? If your friend tells you they "weren't feeling well" earlier in the day, without further description, would you automatically assume they'd expose you to something potentially contagious?

I wouldn't,  no.  But my germaphobe friend?  Sure.  And I know that about her,  so if I didn't tell her I wasn't feeling well, she would assume that I was being sneaky because she knows her and I aren't on the same page when it comes to illnesses.   I know squat about Beth,  so maybe the OP can clarify what she was feeling,  but I do know you can't explain neuroses with logic.   
96
Techno-quette / Re: FB and the dearly departed....
« Last post by MurPl1 on February 12, 2016, 10:21:26 PM »
I checked today after this thread.  I also now don't need the court order. 
97
Family and Children / Re: My house, my dinner. Right?
« Last post by sammycat on February 12, 2016, 10:20:20 PM »
OP, I haven't seen this brought up yet, but you mentioned allowing BF to deal with the family for the most part.  "His family, his problem."  And that's a decent tactic, but I don't think this situation is the time to use it, because it puts you in the frame of mind that if Jake says something regarding his family, you'll go along with it. 

I think you should adopt a my house, my rules mantra pronto!  The way I read it, both you and Jake bought the house, right?  So you both have an equal stake in the house, and house parties, and I support either partner getting veto power when it affects both of them.  His family, but your house, so you get to veto plans even if he 'made' them or allowed them to happen. 

I say this to help you empower yourself, and present a rational argument to your bf.  I doubt you two want to fight, so get on the same page both people having to agree to anything involving the shared space.  Good luck!

Pod. 
98
Techno-quette / Re: FB and the dearly departed....
« Last post by HannahGrace on February 12, 2016, 10:19:08 PM »
You only have to show an obit that they are deceased.

In my experience, you don't even have to do that. I hope it is harder now, but as of a couple of years ago, they didn't seem to ask for documentation. It's awful.
99
Paper Trail / Re: Already married
« Last post by sammycat on February 12, 2016, 10:18:45 PM »
Honestly this is an etiquette issue I have little patience with.   If one of my guests has a problem with my holding a ceremony for my terminally ill mother and MIL then they are people I'd prefer not to associate with anyway.  They can drop the friendship if it bothers them that much.

Pod!

As I mentioned earlier, I usually don't agree with the two weddings situation in general. But good golly, if someone can't get a a pass because of not one, but two, dying family members, then there's something wrong with the world.
100
Life...in general / Re: Cancelling one event, then going to another
« Last post by Raintree on February 12, 2016, 10:13:24 PM »
Yeah, I don't think what Alice did was cool. If she suddenly felt better, she should have contacted the organization to see if she was still needed. I do volunteer work too. If someone can't do their shift for whatever reason, it often means the remaining volunteer has twice the work to do, or am email goes out to the other volunteers to see if anyone can cover on an emergency basis. If someone does step up to the plate, they are doing you a favour but it could be at an inconvenience to them.

It does depend on the nature of the demands and the illness though. If someone calls in sick from something that involves lifting, bending, and cleaning, due to back pain, they may still be perfectly capable of going out for dinner.
Pages: 1 ... 5 6 7 8 9 [10]