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Author Topic: Displaying "rude" items in your own home Updates: pgs 1,2,5,12  (Read 79402 times)

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EduardosGirl

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #45 on: August 12, 2011, 04:19:27 AM »
Now, as for the topic of this thread, I think it may actually be helpful to know the real issue, instead of flying penguins or whatever the OP used as a substitute.  I assumed it was a religion thing, but after reading more posts, I'm not sure, and  so it's kind of hard to relate to.

I think it might be something about evolution. I remember something about a joke like that and it's not against a religion, IMO.

Am I on the money, OP?

bigozzy

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #46 on: August 12, 2011, 04:43:26 AM »
I can relate.

Last month I was berated by someone who was visiting with another friend (I did not know them well) for having the works of Phillip Pullman (His Dark Materials) on a bookshelf.

Even worse, it was not my collection but my kid's, bought with there own money.

Actually they tried to berate me. I first laughed because I thought they were joking and then got angry when I realised that this person must have gone uninvited into my son's bedroom to find something to be offended by.

Lynnv

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #47 on: August 12, 2011, 06:26:45 AM »
Your out-laws (they have been promoted from in-laws to out-laws by this incident, I think) are way, way, way out of line.  If they were in a marching band, they would get kicked out for being so far out of line.  It is completely rude to find something, even if it were truly offensive, in someone's home and have a screaming tantrum, throw away their belongings and scare their pets (poor little bunny).  And then to have other out-laws coming to your DH-not to apologize, but to excuse the behavior and to engage in even more egregiously rude behavior.

All of that being said, I also have to say that I don't think your magnet is in any way offensive or rude to believers in the Flying Penguin.

If my in-laws ever searched and found the alcohol in our home they would be very offended by that.  They accept that other people occasionally drink, but would never be okay with the fact that their son does.  The fact that someone is offended doesn't mean that having alcohol is actually offensive or rude in any way whatsoever.
Lynn

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ettiquit

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #48 on: August 12, 2011, 08:16:26 AM »
Gotcha, Wavicle.  No, I don't display or wear anything that would be considered rude.  Well, I suppose if someone was really anti-alcohol, they might hate my "Clan Inebriated" sweatshirt/t-shirts, but really that's as "rude" as I get.  I honestly don't want to argue with people--some believe in flying penguins, and some in flying pink unicorns or hippos in tutus or whatever and I support their right to do that 110%.  Just allow me *not* to and we can get along fine.  I'm really good at bean-dip, mostly, but I didn't have time to even open it up--she was so loud, she had the house-rabbit (who was in the living room) thumping as he attempted to warn the warren of danger.  So...it's a combo of being mad Bean got scared for no good reason, being yelled at in my own home, the attempt to throw away something that belongs to me and being told what an awful, horrid person I am.  Really?  We've gotten along fine for 13 years (married to DH for 11) and you thought I was okay and now I'm yucky?  And you attempted to throw away my belongings?  In my own home?

I'm with you.  Actually, I'm surprised anyone on an etiquette site can not be on your side--in what universe is it understandable to get so offended that you throw away personal property and scream at your hostess?  I've seen buttons like the one you're talking about, and no, they don't insult believers; it's a little joke about nonbelievers.

I'm not religious, but I have a relative who is.  I'm like you, OP--fine, believe what you want, it doesn't matter to me and I'll never say a word against it.  But quite frankly, some of his religious beliefs are offensive to me, and he indeed has personal items that display the beliefs that I personally disagree with. They belittle my core ethical beliefs. Would I therefore be within my rights to throw them away, scream, and run out?  I highly doubt it--so I say nothing, content to accept that we're all different, and that what others display in their homes is none of my business.

I know that pretty much everyone has agreed that the SIL was out of line, but I can't get behind the idea that because this is about the SIL's core beliefs, it's understandable.  My core beliefs are derided in some corners of society all the time, yet I know it's the height of rudeness to go into a screaming rage over what someone displays in their own home.  And again, the button the OP is talking about is making a joke about nonbelievers, not deriding those who do believe.

ETA:
I feel like a lot of posters are missing the main point here and getting sidetracked in a discussion of "is X insulting or not insulting"?

The main issue, as I see it, is that fidgets had this item in her own home. But darned if I consider it rude to have anything I choose to have within My Own Home!

I totally agree.

So do I.

I haven't read anywhere in this thread where someone agreed that the OP's SIL was right to throw the tantrum that she did.  I think it's pretty unanimous that she was out of line.  It is absolutely possible to agree that the SIL was wrong while still not siding with the OP completely.  Yes, this is an etiquette site, but we don't check our own opinions at the door when we enter it.  I happen to find it rude when someone states that it's hard to believe anyone could possibly think that way.  The horror!

People think all sorts of different ways, some you may agree with, some you may  not agree with.  Stating your amazement at those who disagree with you is a sure way to irritate people here.

Now, as for the topic of this thread, I think it may actually be helpful to know the real issue, instead of flying penguins or whatever the OP used as a substitute.  I assumed it was a religion thing, but after reading more posts, I'm not sure, and  so it's kind of hard to relate to.

To the bolded - no one said it outright, but it was implied:


Did she go overboard? Probably.  But people often get like that when they find their core beliefs being belittled.

So, the OP said that her magnet said something along the lines of "Flying penguins don't believe in me either, so it evens out.".  If OP went to her SIL's house and saw a magnet on her fridge that says "Flying penguins believe in you, even if you don't", her core beliefs would be belittled, no? 

I view the OP's magnet as being something that represents her own core beliefs, and not something that goes against someone else's.

It is not a breach in etiquette to display things that represent our beliefs, no matter how unsavory they may be to some people.

Petticoats

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #49 on: August 12, 2011, 08:18:48 AM »
It might behoove your DH to stick to that issue when he gets to the confab, and refuse to get drawn into a religious discussion. "Sis, Mom, Dad, do you really think that kind of behavior is acceptable in someone's home? If I'm offended by that painting you have on the wall, am I justified in screaming at you, ripping it down, and throwing it away?"

And when they try to get to the religious talk (and they will), repeat "I can't even address that until Sis apologizes to Fidgets for her unacceptably rude behavior. I think we can all agree no one has the right, no matter what they believe, to act like that in someone's home."

Good luck to you and DH, and please keep us updated! Unless DH's parents are so far out in left field they're not visible, I don't think they can condone what SIL did.

Calypso's words are wise. I eagerly await news of the deer snot uprising.

Winterlight

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #50 on: August 12, 2011, 08:31:35 AM »
SIL is out of line, as are the rest of the tantrum throwers. In fact, at this point, the line has gathered its skirts and is sprinting for Switzerland.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

MrTango

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #51 on: August 12, 2011, 08:52:12 AM »
I agree that everything is going to offend someone.  Even on this site, people have said things that offend me, but as adults, it is expected that we keep ourselves composed and not fly off the handle at every little thing that offends us.

I'm guessing that the specific magnet OP mentions is either political or religious.  For whatever reason, those two topics tend to send people off the deep end.

Garden Goblin

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #52 on: August 12, 2011, 08:54:47 AM »
You shouldn't have anything offensive in your home.

Inform your family of this when they ask you why they aren't allowed to visit anymore.

jaxsue

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #53 on: August 12, 2011, 08:55:47 AM »
Several years ago we invited a family that was new to our church over for dinner. This was during the Christmas season, so the house was decorated (I went all out for the holidays). FTR, the church we went to was a mainstream Baptist church. Turns out that our guests were very, very strict, and that's their right - but they stepped way over the line.

The DH believed that Xmas trees were a sin, and that Santa Claus was an even bigger sin. I have no problem with him holding that belief. But after seeing our holiday decorations he went on a tirade about how offensive Xmas trees were (pagan) and that if anyone said "Santa Claus" in their presence of if they had any SC ornaments in their home they'd leave immediately. Ironically, they didn't storm out even though I had plenty of SC ornaments.  ??? Needless to say, it was a very awkward evening and they weren't ever invited back.

This all to say that I agree with a PP that someone can choose to be offended by something, but there is no guarantee that one will go through life without being offended. It's guaranteed that one will find offense in something, unless they're living in a bunker!

shadowfox79

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #54 on: August 12, 2011, 08:56:53 AM »
You shouldn't have anything offensive in your home.

Inform your family of this when they ask you why they aren't allowed to visit anymore.

I love this!

jaxsue

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #55 on: August 12, 2011, 08:57:45 AM »
I can relate.

Last month I was berated by someone who was visiting with another friend (I did not know them well) for having the works of Phillip Pullman (His Dark Materials) on a bookshelf.

Even worse, it was not my collection but my kid's, bought with there own money.

Actually they tried to berate me. I first laughed because I thought they were joking and then got angry when I realised that this person must have gone uninvited into my son's bedroom to find something to be offended by.

I had a similar experience several years ago. DS #2 was an avid Harry Potter fan and had the books in his room. Nosey neighbor saw the books and berated me for allowing him to read books that "promoted witchcraft"!  ::)

shhh its me

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #56 on: August 12, 2011, 09:20:52 AM »
 100% SIL was wrong for how she acted , absolutely positively without any doubt.

  But the idea that it's just a silly thing and no one will be offed becauseI'm not really making fun of a belief, is wrong too.  You have the right to be offensive in your own home , to be political , religious to display controversial art etc.....Guests have an obligation to walk away or engage in polite discourse.

OP I agree with your opinion about flying penguins but I disagree that the button is not mocking your SIL beliefs , the premise of the button is................ this is silly because this beliefs is silly.  It's not funny to someone who believes, "what you believe makes me giggle it's so silly, certainly can be offensive.     I'm answering since that was a the basis of your question, you were not rude but she did have cause to be offend if she chose (obviously she handled her offense horrible) OP you said "it's not like I wear a T shirt to their family's event..." that would be rude because you're blatantly displaying something you know you host would find offensive , because it's small and in you're home makes it not rude but it's still offensive.   Even little jokes about what people believe can be offensive. That someone may take not obligate you to sterilise your home , it also does not obligate someone else to take a joke in good humour and to stay.  Just like with any joke it's the person being joked about gets to determin if it's funny.


lkb

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #57 on: August 12, 2011, 09:23:13 AM »
I just wanted to chime in that I love that this is about flying penguins. I want to know more.

Sanity Lost

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #58 on: August 12, 2011, 09:38:06 AM »
I am a true purple in my beliefs; with a deep and abiding love of dragons. Which I have had ever since I read the Pern books in 7th grade. I have dragons all over the place. If a fellow purple believer told me that dragons were the root of all evil and tried to bin MY dragons...they would be shown the door and informed that my love of dragons and my belief in purple is between Purple and myself. They have no say in the matter...unless they think they are Purple (and if so I know a lovely counselor they can talk too).

Flora Louise

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Re: Displaying "rude" items in your own home
« Reply #59 on: August 12, 2011, 09:49:21 AM »
Sister in law was rude. She should have simply gone home and prayed for patience.

It sounds like you are firmly in the "Can't you take a joke" camp, OP.
Just because you're disappointed in me doesn't mean I did anything wrong.


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