ExH and his partner and unwanted texts - how to respond? LONG sorry

[Nells Bells]

Firstly I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, I wasn't sure where, if anywhere, it belonged!  I've been a long time lurker and I know there is a wealth of knowledge and advice on this board and I would really appreciate the benefit of some of it!

BG: When I was pregnant with DS my now ExH left me to be with someone else.  During the last 4 months of my pregnancy he was living with her; when DS was born he decided to come back and I, a mess of hormones, agreed.  You can probably guess where this is going - 6 months later he went back to her.  During the time when we were back together I received hundreds of abusive texts from her, all of which I ignored. They had a baby about 5 years ago. I live with DS, new partner and our DS2.  BF is so much a father to DS that I sometimes forget that he actually isn't.  DS1 and 2 adore one another - DS, who is now 8, goes to visit Ex every other weekend and although he doesn't really mind going he would rather be home with us most of the time and complains about his step brother who he finds annoying. FTR I never badmouth ex or partner in front of DS and am always very upbeat and 'did you have a lovely weekend with Daddy?' when he comes back. End BG

I don't really know how to explain all this without going into lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng detail, but basically my ex is a bit useless with arrangements etc.  We got into the habit of texting to arrange things, but after a while it became apparent to me that it was his partner (I'm going to use the abbreviation CF for Control Freak, for want of a better one!) that was texting me.  Nothing bad, but just every change of arrangement etc would come from her.  This is where I needed to grow a spine but I just thought hey, let bygones be bygones and just get on with it.  I finally snapped recently and told Ex that I didn't think it was appropriate for all these arrangements to be made through CF (whom I have never really met) and that we should really communicate between ourselves.  I realised that I didn't actually have a current email address or mobile number for the father of my child, just CF's mobile number.

Since this discussion I've still had the odd text from her which would indicate to me that Ex hasn't passed on my wishes which is really no surprise.  I've told him that I will delete these texts from now on without reading them, so if there is any information in them regarding the arrangements for DS then it won't get to me.  He has my number, he can contact me.  Still, I get texts from CF confirming meeting times etc.

I can't even begin to explain how much I hate this woman, and I presume, how much she hates me.  There is an undercurrent of 'oneupmanship' in the texts which I just don't get and they are, for me, fraught with tension and send me off into a really bad place. I really want to be able to respond in a non ehell approved way but I know that the best thing to do is not to engage the crazy 

This has all been sparked off today as DS went off to Ex - Ex told me he would be bringing him back at 3pm.  Got a text at 2pm from CF saying that they were running late and that they would be back by 3pm if that's ok?  I replied saying that Ex and I had already agreed that they were coming back at 3pm (I wanted to add - so there's no need for you to stick your oar in - but I didn't).  Reply; 'no problem, we had arranged 2pm but he's having such fun with his brother'.  Firstly, YOU may have arranged 2pm but Ex and I arranged 3pm and secondly the dig about having fun with his brother really got me.

I suppose my questions are: am I wrong to think it was inappropriate that ALL communication about DS arrangements was taking place through CF, and to want this to change so that Ex takes on the responsibility?  Do I reply to texts from CF or do I just ignore?  It's so hard for me and a difficult situation to try and sum up in this one post. 

I would hate to come across as a bitter ex - I just want to clarify that I am very happy with BF and have absolutely no desire to be back with ex, however his actions left me scarred and ruined what should have been the happiest time of my life and for this I find it difficult to forgive him, or her.  This is probably colouring my judgement but I can't help the way I feel.  There is obviously a LOT of background to this which I'm happy to expand on if anyone is interested in anything specific.

So again - ignore?  Or try to clear the air?  If so, how?

Helllllp!!

[ChiGirl]

Well, of course she's trying to play "oneupsmanship" with you.  Because she knows you already won.  Let's tally up the scores:

Nells Bells: lives with new SO who is a great father.
CF: lives with man who would cheat on his pregnant wife.

I think the game is over.  Try not to let her "digs" get to you.  (Although I don't understand why your son having fun with his brother is a "dig.")

That said: I think your (understandable) dislike of CF is coloring your response to the text-message-to-arrange-schedules pattern.  I agree that you should have your ex's number and email.  But if he is really "useless" when it comes to scheduling, it's not surprising that he's delegated that task to CF.  They're a couple and they can divvy up such tasks between them.  If your ex screws up the arrangements, it screws up CF's life too, and your son's.

It would be great if  your ex would turn into a responsible planner so you'd never have to interact with CF.  But it's not going to happen. 

[Lisbeth]

Unfortunately, you can't force your ex to be a responsible parent and I don't think it would be productive to tell CF to butt out, as provoked as she makes you feel.

You might ask your divorce attorney if there are legal solutions to the problem.

[artk2002]

While this is very annoying and needs to be solved, let me ask you this: If some arrangement is missed because you refuse to read CF's texts, who suffers?  CF? No.  Ex? Possibly.  You? No.  Your DS? Yes, and big time.  Do you really want to tell your son "You missed out because they didn't contact me the right way"?

I understand that you don't like CF, and I don't blame you one bit.  But, they are a couple and she may have taken the social arrangements task.  You said your ex is bad at that kind of thing, so it's quite reasonable that he pass that on to her.  Unless she's actively texting nasty things, or making impossible arrangements, I'd let this go for your son's sake.

[One Goat to Rule Them All]

Normally I would agree with ChiGirl, that if CF is the organized one that it would make sense to just go through her. However, that would only be the best course of action if she treats you with respect. If she's sending you PA or making subtle digs at you then I think you would be justified in not wanting to exchange texts with her, especially given the fact that she sent you those nasty texts in the past.

I think you should repeat to your ex that you want to communicate with him, and only him, and that immediately after this conversation you will be blocking CF's number from your phone. You won't be responding to them, because you won't be receiving them.

[Nells Bells]

Nells Bells: lives with new SO who is a great father.
CF: lives with man who would cheat on his pregnant wife.

Thank you, this is so true and I should remember it more often!

I know I'm not making it very clear about the 'digs' but all I can say is trust me that I've read enough of these texts and seen behaviour from this woman which make it very clear that nothing like that is written without a subtext. Sorry not to be able to explain it any better.

Re the arrangements; ex is a bit useless at any sort of arrangement or confrontation to be honest, and I agree that he will never change and that I can't do anything about it.  I totally agree that they are a couple and can manage their lives however they like; (I get the impression that CF is very definitely in charge of everything) but would it not be too much to ask to show a little consideration and for the arrangements to come via ex?  I don't know 

Ark2002 - I know what you mean but I would never hurt DS in this way.  It's stupid of me I know but I say I would delete these texts but of course I always read them first and make sure I haven't missed anything, which makes me guilty of 'playing games' I guess 

ETA thinking about it I think the thing which I find irritating now is that actually the texts don't contain any information I don't already know or haven't already confirmed/discussed with ex so I'm not really missing out, it's almost as if she can't bear not to be involved in some way so will just pipe in with ' just to let you know we'll be there at 10am' (for example) when this has already been discussed and agreed face to face between myself and ex. 

[Bethalize]

Polite her to death. It'll take her years to notice!

[O'Dell]

Normally I would agree with ChiGirl, that if CF is the organized one that it would make sense to just go through her. However, that would only be the best course of action if she treats you with respect. If she's sending you PA or making subtle digs at you then I think you would be justified in not wanting to exchange texts with her, especially given the fact that she sent you those nasty texts in the past.

I think you should repeat to your ex that you want to communicate with him, and only him, and that immediately after this conversation you will be blocking CF's number from your phone. You won't be responding to them, because you won't be receiving them.

This is what I would do. I'd even go so far as to inform him that he must *call* you and speak to you to preempt her texting you from his phone.

[Knitterly]

Polite her to death. It'll take her years to notice!

POD!
 

(also, I love this line!)

[Nells Bells]

Polite her to death. It'll take her years to notice!

Love it!

Just as a little bit of background, this is something which happened a few years ago:

Ex came to pick up DS, and let me know that they would be on holiday on a certain date (when DS was due to be with them) so wouldn't be able to have DS.  Normally not a problem (I'm pretty laid back about changing arrangements) but on this particular date I had already made arrangements to do something else.  Ex was fine, no problem, he will ask his parents if maybe they were around to look after DS on that date. TBH my parents would have been around so either way it would have been fine, but it was only about 6 weeks notice so in my opinion, it's up to ex to sort out childcare.

Ex leaves, and half an hour later my phone rings and I answer.  CF on the phone, demanding to know why I couldn't have DS on that day and (I quote) 'is it too much to ask for me to have a weekend off?' I won't go through the whole phone call but I was icily polite while being told by CF (I'm paraphrasing) that if I was going to go off making arrangements to do stuff on my free weekends then she and ex should be kept up to date with my plans so that they would know what I was up to.  The phone call ended with her telling me to 'stick it up my ****' followed by her putting the phone down on me.  You can see why I don't relish receiving texts from her 

[gramma dishes]

LOL!!!   

She sounds like just the kind of person your ex deserves!!! 

Agree with those above who all said count your many MANY blessings!

[Nells Bells]

Thank you!!  Earlier this evening I was fuming and now I'm laughing and counting my blessings!! 

[aiki]

So she's picking up making the childcare arrangements and who knows what other household duties for your wally of an ex? Tell you what, next time you have to interact with her by phone or text or whatever, imagine her standing next to him wearing a t-shirt that  says "I'm with useless", and try not to giggle out loud.

[mkkristen]

Get his cell phone number and then block hers. I've never had to do anything like this, but can you block just one person's texts? If blocking her cell number is too big of a step then maybe that's an option.

[Nells Bells]

I would love to be able to do that, but back when ex and I were back together and I was getting the horrid texts from her I enquired and apparently it isn't possible 

ETA I do now have his mobile (cell) number and email address and do make all arrangements through him.  Just still get the occasional 'confirmation of arrangements' text from CF