ExH and his partner and unwanted texts - how to respond? LONG sorry

[kherbert05]

I would love to be able to do that, but back when ex and I were back together and I was getting the horrid texts from her I enquired and apparently it isn't possible 

ETA I do now have his mobile (cell) number and email address and do make all arrangements through him.  Just still get the occasional 'confirmation of arrangements' text from CF

Put her number/text on silent. When you see her name call your ex and ask him what he needs. I wouldn't block her completely. There may be times she has your child without the Dad present and may have a legitimate reason to get hold of you concerning your child's health/safety.

[SamiHami]

CF is not your child's parent and therefore has no business getting in the middle of the visitation arrangements. You certainly can have a judge make an order that your ex, and only your ex, communicate with you regarding your son. I would absolutely do this.

And I do agree that your intense dislike for CF is coloring some of the things you perceive, but you know what? That's okay. You are the injured party in this whole mess. Yes, she's stuck with a man who thinks it's okay to cheat on his pregnant wife, but she's also the kind of person who thinks it's okay to ***censored!*** a married man.

I agree with your decision to never bad mouth your ex in front of your child; however that doesn't mean you have to associate with his new wife, even by text. You and he are the parents, you and he are the only ones who need to communicate, period.

[P-p-p-penguin]

I think that based on CF's past behaviour you are completely justified in only wanting to deal with your ex about your son.  In addition to running off with your husband, she has harrassed you with abusive text messages and phone calls.  She has no business calling you up to complain about arrangements you've made for son with your ex.  Your ex should be dealing with the arrangements, not CF.

I like Sami's suggestion of getting some sort of court order to make this the case.  If you get any texts from her about plans then direct any replies to your ex, and not to her.

[hollasa]

I'm curious as to how CF treats DS - are there any issues there?

Are CF and Ex married? Presumably they have a son together, so they parent together. This would mean that CF is DS's step-mother, or at least in a step-mother role, right? Mother of DS's half brother, and all that.

It sounds like this is very frustrating, to say the least. However, my advice to the OP would be to keep on biting your tongue, polite her to death, and keep on racking up the good karma points. You'll be doing the right thing. It's going to be annoying, but temporary - after all, Ex will presumably move on at some point, and DS won't need visitation forever.

[Ginya]

I would love to be able to do that, but back when ex and I were back together and I was getting the horrid texts from her I enquired and apparently it isn't possible 

ETA I do now have his mobile (cell) number and email address and do make all arrangements through him.  Just still get the occasional 'confirmation of arrangements' text from CF

Depending on the type of phone you have you can download a very effective call/text blocker. Blackberry and Android phones have the best ones, iPhones sadly don't have much that works. If it's a real aggravation the investment in a smartphone would probably be a good thing. I would recommend Android for what it's worth 

[Nells Bells]

Thank you for all your advice and comments, they have made me feel much better    To be honest I don't think I need to go down the court order route (I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this) and I don't think it's really serious enough to bother blocking numbers.  If I'm totally honest it's just that it pushes all the wrong buttons and makes me really angry so I think I need to find a way to deal with it.

I'm going to email Ex today and remind him AGAIN that I don't want her contacting me; he's very much aware but just doesn't seem to do anything about it (or more likely has no control over her actions), and apologises every time I bring it up after she has contacted me.  He is a weak person who does as he is told and wants an easy life, he's always been like it and I know he won't ever change so I'll just have to get over it!

In answer to some questions, Ex and CF are married and as far as I am aware she treats DS ok.  I'm mature enough to accept that they are a family, and she is his step mother, so when he is in their home he is under her care as well as ex's.  He comes home with stories that his stepbrother is naughty but he gets the blame etc but I'm realistic enough to realise that I'm only getting an 8 year old's side of the story!  One worrying thing which happened years ago was that DS said CF had 'hit him over the head' for making a mark on the wall (which he says he didn't do).  I never followed it up because although it sounds horrendous now that I've actually written it down, I don't think it was quite as it seemed.  That's a whole different story and I don't want people worrying that he's suffering abuse or anything like that, I seriously don't think that he is.

His stepbrother went through a phase of biting and DS came home a couple of times with bite marks on his legs.  Ex was apologetic but I get the impression that stepbrother is not disciplined properly, but I feel powerless to do anything about it 

Sorry I will stop now before this becomes a rant!

[WillyNilly]

Honestly?  This is not a very nice response, its PA, but what I would do is torture her subtly.

Ok lets look at the facts: Ex cheated on his pregnant wife with CF.  He then left CF for half a year to be back with the mother of his baby.  Then he went back to CF.

CF has got to know he's a slimy guy, and be a bit wary of "other women" especially you.  After all he was with you first and he went back to you at one point, and you are still the mother of his first born son.

So now here she is, not really conveying information, just confirming information you already established with Ex.  So I would subtly feed into her suspicions and insecurities about it.  Every time she confirms a time you already know, smile slyly (yes I know, its text she can't see it, but I firmly believe if you own a feeling it comes across) and reply back "well yes, when Ex and I had our check in discussion we confirmed this weekend's times and  few other upcoming dates" or "so this hasn't changed since Ex and I got together to discuss arrangements?" and all sorts of other PA comments that let her know she's not required in this transaction, you and Ex have worked it out together, just the two of you, as a parental team, and she's not involved in the planning.

If she wants to make digs, don't get hit with dirt - pick up a bigger shovel.

[LadyL]

Honestly?  This is not a very nice response, its PA, but what I would do is torture her subtly.

Ok lets look at the facts: Ex cheated on his pregnant wife with CF.  He then left CF for half a year to be back with the mother of his baby.  Then he went back to CF.

CF has got to know he's a slimy guy, and be a bit wary of "other women" especially you.  After all he was with you first and he went back to you at one point, and you are still the mother of his first born son.

So now here she is, not really conveying information, just confirming information you already established with Ex.  So I would subtly feed into her suspicions and insecurities about it.  Every time she confirms a time you already know, smile slyly (yes I know, its text she can't see it, but I firmly believe if you own a feeling it comes across) and reply back "well yes, when Ex and I had our check in discussion we confirmed this weekend's times and  few other upcoming dates" or "so this hasn't changed since Ex and I got together to discuss arrangements?" and all sorts of other PA comments that let her know she's not required in this transaction, you and Ex have worked it out together, just the two of you, as a parental team, and she's not involved in the planning.

If she wants to make digs, don't get hit with dirt - pick up a bigger shovel.

I disagree about this being PA *if the OP sticks to the facts.* "Yes, ex and I discussed that on Tuesday." That is a statement of fact. It is not PA. If it happens to trip into this woman's insane raging insecurity then fine, but I wouldn't try to provoke that reaction. Don't engage the crazy and all that.

And OP, *HUGS* even though you didn't ask for them. I was in a similar situation once and the dynamics can get your stomach in knots. Just remember that happiness is the best revenge.

[hollasa]

CF is the OP's son's step mother. She is acting in a parental role to DS. She may well coordinate all the child activities in the household. CF and the OP need a working relationship, for the son whom they both parent (in different ways), and both need to try to make it a cordial relationship.

I'm not saying that the situation doesn't suck. It does. But it is what it is.

Don't torture the woman, for heavens sake. Behave impeccably, ask yourself "What Would Miss Manners Do", and do it. You will rack up those good karma points. You will have the knowledge, and the satisfaction, that you are behaving well.

And DS will, eventually, thank you for it. He won't notice for years - but eventually, he will figure it out.

And CF and the Ex? They have each other. Aren't they already being punished enough?

[Winterlight]

CF is the OP's son's step mother. She is acting in a parental role to DS. She may well coordinate all the child activities in the household. CF and the OP need a working relationship, for the son whom they both parent (in different ways), and both need to try to make it a cordial relationship.

I'm not saying that the situation doesn't suck. It does. But it is what it is.

Don't torture the woman, for heavens sake. Behave impeccably, ask yourself "What Would Miss Manners Do", and do it. You will rack up those good karma points. You will have the knowledge, and the satisfaction, that you are behaving well.

And DS will, eventually, thank you for it. He won't notice for years - but eventually, he will figure it out.

And CF and the Ex? They have each other. Aren't they already being punished enough?

Agreed. Calm politeness will serve you better, and make you feel better. The high road is a bit more difficult, but in the long run you will be able to look back on your behavior and know you set a good example for your son.

[missknowledge]

Unless she has a child separate from your ex, that child you keep referring to as the stepbrother is actually your son's half brother, and is just as much related to your child as your 2nd son.   Not trying to be a pain in the rear, but I have a half sister on each side and it sticks in my craw when people lessen the relationships by calling them the wrong thing.   It can be really hurtful.

[Nells Bells]

missknowledge - I'm really sorry I've only just realised that I had typed stepbrother and meant half brother    It was a genuine mistake/typo/freudian slip and I didn't mean to cause any offence.  CF has two children by her ex, and she and Ex have one son, so my DS has a stepbrother, a stepsister and a half brother (and of course another half brother, my DS2) so I do sometimes get a bit confused (as does DS!).

Thank you everyone for your replies - they have genuinely made me smile and feel so much better, and put everything into perspective.  I've always prided myself on taking the moral highground and so far I haven't succumbed to saying what I really want to and try to bask in the glow of my superior manners in the face of adversity 

[gramma dishes]

Glow away!   

[Elfqueen13]

I manage the calendar in my house, which means I coordinate with my ex's new wife (who handles their calendar) and my stepdaughters mother.

SD's mother doesn't like having to talk to me but after about 14 calls that ended with my husband saying "I don't know, please speak to Elfqueen as she has the calendar" she started actually doing it.  The more people try to manage a given schedule, the more complicated it gets, even in the current era of Google Calendar (which I love). 

It may not be fun for you but she is your son's stepmother and you don't get to dictate how things are handled in their home. I'd be extremely offended if I was told that a lawyer had gotten involved to tell me how to run my home because someone who doesn't live there doesn't like it.

[missknowledge]

It's all good. 

Just hang in there.