ExH and his partner and unwanted texts - how to respond? LONG sorry

[bah12]

I don't blame you for not liking her...though, I would dislike ex even more.  I do agree that she's probably a little bit paranoid that he might want to go back to you or that he's not being truthful about his conversations with you. 

The situation sucks.  And I'm sorry you're in it, but unless you go to court to change it, you are pretty much stuck.  You know your ex won't change and neither will CF.  She likely does control the schedule, so she's either texting you because she doesn't trust your ex or she's texting you to get to you...or more likely both. 

She wants to make digs...so ignore them.  If you've already discussed something with your ex and she sends you a text that says the exact same thing, don't respond.  If she keeps texting you, say "I already discussed with ex.  If he's not properly communicating with you, then please have that discussion with him."  In other words, turn it back on her.  If she tells you DS is having fun with his brother...say nothing or say "great!  See you at 3."

[JenJay]

LOL!!!   

She sounds like just the kind of person your ex deserves!!! 

Agree with those above who all said count your many MANY blessings!

Exactly!!

My guess? She has to call/text and confirm plans you and EX have made because it's her way of saying "I know what he's up to, so don't think he's talking to you behind my back. He tells me everything and I can prove it. Just because he snuck around on you doesn't mean he'll do it to me." She has to work really hard to keep reminding herself you of that, doesn't she? 

When she's driving you crazy you just keep your chin up and remember that every. single. time. she's rude and you're not that is a testament to how much you love your son!

[gramma dishes]

When she's driving you crazy you just keep your chin up and remember that every. single. time. she's rude and you're not that is a testament to how much you love your son!

... and respects herself!

[JenJay]

When she's driving you crazy you just keep your chin up and remember that every. single. time. she's rude and you're not that is a testament to how much you love your son!

... and respects herself!

Yes! I felt like there was something missing from my post. Thank you for finding it. 

[workingmum]

Oh boy have i been in your shoes!!! DD's dad's partner would always be trying to butt into phone conversations between us. I get how hard it is to stay reasonable. One day when she was interrupting him i told him to hand the phone to her. he did and i said "Right - when ex and i broke up we agreed that all parenting decisions would be between the two of us, not new partners. That said, if you are doing the co-ordinating and logistics, then please just speak to me, it's incredibly frustrating trying to have a conversation with two people."

We've had the odd run in since then, but mostly we get on pretty well. I am thankful that she cares so much for DD, and while I may not always agree with their rules and parenting decisions, I know they are not being malicious. They are truly a little clueless and just have very different standards to me. I also have to remind myself that much as i think her dad is a dimwit, he is her dad and has just as many parental rights as I do. It's taken me 6 years to get to this point though so I REALLY understand the frustrations!! Sometimes you just have to take the high road - your son will see and appreciate this as he gets older. I know DD is starting to already and she is the same age. 

[Grape]

Here's another thought... she has to text you to confirm details because your Ex forgets to tell her. So maybe she's really the frustrated one in this situation! Just think your happy thoughts about what a gem you have and what a heel she got.

[DavidH]

In answer to your question, "I totally agree that they are a couple and can manage their lives however they like; (I get the impression that CF is very definitely in charge of everything) but would it not be too much to ask to show a little consideration and for the arrangements to come via ex?" I think the answer is yes.  They are a couple, she apparently handles the calendar and he is not good at making arrangements, so you have to deal with it.   

I think you need to take a step back from the situation and decide if this is a hill to die on.  From the examples you give, one is from years ago and she behaved particularly poorly, but if that is the only such example, let it go.  The second, most people wouldn't read as a dig.  I think you are hypersensitive for good reason, but it is really just making you miserable. 

If she is polite about it, no rude comments, no yelling on the phone, no insults, then it is hard to really fault their arrangement.  If she yell, insults you, makes rude comments or anything like that, then you can and should say that you won't tolerate that and hang up on her.

[Nells Bells]

Thank you so much everyone, I can't tell you how much better I feel for sharing this and getting so much excellent advice 

What I've taken away from it is essentially; take the high ground!  It's what I've always tried to do and will continue to do so; I've always tried to picture the time in the future when DS and I can have the adult conversation and he (hopefully) understands how it all was from his own perspective, rather from years of me influencing him with warped and bitter ranting (I just do that in my head, not in front of him!!!).  I'm looking forward to that day 

and re this

From the examples you give, one is from years ago and she behaved particularly poorly, but if that is the only such example, let it go.

Believe me, there's not enough Ehell space for me to fill with all the times she has behaved in an erratic and offensive manner, it's definiely not a one off!  But re this;

The second, most people wouldn't read as a dig.  I think you are hypersensitive for good reason, but it is really just making you miserable

you're totally right.  There are enough other things in life to make me miserable without doing it to myself!!!

[Miss Misha]

Nells Bells, you are my doppelganger!  BTDT, burned the t-shirt. 

I handled X's poor communication skills by texting or emailing both of them the same message.  For example, I'd email, "Hi Ex and Ex's SO:  Jr. will be with you mm/dd from time a.m. to time p.m.  I will drop him off at your house, you will return him to my house."  Then I'd follow up with a text to both, "Leaving my house to drop Jr. off.  There in xx minutes."

In other words, the "main" arrangement would be in writing to both via email and then a follow up, if necessary by text, but always to both of them.  This had several advantages: 

We all had the same information, in writing;
Neither Ex's SO nor I had to deal with Ex's poor communication skills;
I didn't have to talk to either of them in person, so they couldn't grate on my nerves; and,
I took the initiative so I out-control-freaked the control freak by making the first move.

Saved my sanity more than once, let me tell you.

[Kari]

I manage the calendar in my house, which means I coordinate with my ex's new wife (who handles their calendar) and my stepdaughters mother.

SD's mother doesn't like having to talk to me but after about 14 calls that ended with my husband saying "I don't know, please speak to Elfqueen as she has the calendar" she started actually doing it.  The more people try to manage a given schedule, the more complicated it gets, even in the current era of Google Calendar (which I love). 

It may not be fun for you but she is your son's stepmother and you don't get to dictate how things are handled in their home. I'd be extremely offended if I was told that a lawyer had gotten involved to tell me how to run my home because someone who doesn't live there doesn't like it.

I have to respectfully disagree, because I think the OP's situation is different.  CF has been verbally abusive on the phone, and even if she were the household's schedule manager, the OP shouldn't have to put up with it. If CF cannot communicate like a civilized adult, then the OP is right to ask the ex to cease passing messages through her.