Would this have bothered you?

[Person123]

This happened a little while ago, but I'm wondering if anyone else would have been bothered by this.

This past year was mine and my boyfriend's first year of college. We went to different schools. My birthday was in April. A few weeks beforehand, my boyfriend asked me, "Since you aren't going to be home for your birthday, should I get you a present?" A little shocked, I told him that he didn't have to get me anything, but that if he did I would appreciate it. I was surprised since we have always given each other presents in the past, and it seemed that he did not think it was necessary since I wasn't going to be there in person. He asked what I wanted, so I sent him an Amazon link to a DVD I wanted. I told him it would be best to buy it there since it was a little rare and he would most likely not find it in a store.

Sometime later, my boyfriend told me the present might be late, since he couldn't find it. I asked if Amazon had sold out, but he said he wasn't going to get it from there. Apparently, his dad was searching stores back home for the DVD. I found this very strange, as the Amazon price was probably about the same as what you would get in a store, and I had told him not to bother looking in a store anyway. I also didn't understand why his dad was looking for it, as my boyfriend has a car and a very nice mall near his school.

After not finding it, he said he ordered the DVD on Amazon. A couple of weeks after my birthday passed, I asked about it, since it still hadn't arrived. Apparently, in the previous conversation about the present, my boyfriend had neglected to mention that the present wasn't being sent to me. It was at his house. He said that he had his dad order it for him  and he had given his dad cash when he went home for the weekend. His dad didn't know my mailing address, but instead of calling me to ask, my boyfriend told his dad to just send it to their house. I asked if he was going to mail it when he went home next weekend, but his only response was that he wasn't comfortable with that, and that he would just give it to me when I came home for the summer. After all this, I didn't get the present until about a month after my birthday.

What bothered me about this wasn't even the present itself. I may have overthought this, but I feel like he just didn't care. I don't understand why he felt that he shouldn't get me a present just because I wasn't home. I never would have done that to him. Telling his dad to just send the present to their house without bothering to ask me where to mail it made it seem like he didn't care enough to put any effort into it. I wonder if he refused to mail it to me because he didn't want to pay. I am bringing this up now because I have noticed a pattern of this kind of behavior from him lately and feel like I want to bring it up to him. Would you have been upset in this situation? Have you ever experienced something like this from a significant other or anyone important to you?

[jimithing]

I get where you are coming from, and yes, I would have been annoyed. It's not the gift, it's the message. Like your birthday and present is an afterthought, or even an annoyance and hoops he has to jump through.

If it was a one off, I would let it go, but you said it was a pattern, and this would bother me.

[Lisbeth]

I get where you are coming from, and yes, I would have been annoyed. It's not the gift, it's the message. Like your birthday and present is an afterthought, or even an annoyance and hoops he has to jump through.

If it was a one off, I would let it go, but you said it was a pattern, and this would bother me.

Yeah, that would annoy me too.  I'd be wondering if such a person was worth having a relationship with.

[Larrabee]

This would definitely have bothered me.  I'm guessing you didn't actually care about the gift itself, if he'd never asked you what you wanted and on the day you'd got a thoughtful little token and a heartfelt card you'd have been delighted, right? 

Birthdays are a chance for us to tell/show our loved ones that we care, that we put some time and effort into trying to make them happy.  Yes you should do that everyday but a birthday is a chance to go a little bit above and beyond.  Not to mention that its pretty culturally engrained that romantic partners should get each other gifts, the fact that he asked suggests he was really hoping you'd let him off the hook.

Pretty much every relationship I've been in, except my very sweet first boyfriend, I've had at least one issue like this, where it becomes clear that I'm putting about a thousand times more thought, care and love into gift giving than he is.  I wonder if there's some connection to gender expectations.  I know that in a lot of families the mothers are pretty much in charge of all gift giving, even to themselves!

[O'Dell]

Yes it would bother me. Is the pattern you are seeing new? If so, then it could easily be due to the long distance nature of the relationship. It's too easy for that physical distance to become an emotional distance.

[heronlady]

That would have really bothered me.  I can imagine I'd feel unwanted and like an afterthought if that happened with me, and I'd definitely be having a talk with him if it was a one-off.

If it was a pattern, though...  then I would probably rethink the relationship itself.

I really think that is a thoughtless way to treat someone, especially someone who is supposed to be special to him.

[Person123]

This incident is really the first thing I can think of that started this behavior. Nothing bad happened for the remainder of the semester, but it started again during the summer. The latest incident was when I went to pick up my sister at her job at the high school when my car wouldn't start. My boyfriend was going to come over soon, and he lives right by the high school. He literally has to pass right by it to get to my house. I called and asked him if he was coming from his house to mine, so when he said he was, I asked if he could pick up my sister. He said no. No explanation, even when I asked him, just "No, I can't." Maybe he had a reason. Maybe he had the best reason in the world. Maybe my sister is secretly psychotic and stabbed him with a kitchen knife last time she saw him, and he was afraid to be in a car with her. But I don't know. This didn't hurt me the way the present incident did, but it seemed very thoughtless to me, not to mention bizarre.

[WillyNilly]

Yes the DVD incident would bother me. 

The latest thing, with your sister... I would have asked "why?" and pretty much not let up until I had an answer or until it got to the point of me saying "well then I guess we can't hang out today, because I need to figure out how to get my sister and after I deal with the hassle I'll be in no mood to see you." 

Honestly the DVD thing... I do get trying to find the DVD in person first - Amazon shipping is outrageous - its like $8 - for a $12 DVD, well IMO no one needs a DVD that badly.  My opinion of course, and yeah eventually I'd buck up and pay shipping.  But I don't get it how he didn't have an address for you after you living somewhere almost a year.  OK I realize you kids today  are all about the email and texting, but seriously did he not send you anything all year?  Not 'just because?" Not for Valentine's Day?" Nothing?  That alone would bother me.  Heck my beau lives 7 miles from me and I send him cards, or "free sandwich at [place local to his job]" coupons, etc, just for fun - because its only $0.44 to mail something but to get mail?  Is awesome!

But the whole idea that because he won't see you for your birthday somehow meant in his mind your birthday didn't count... I have to wonder does that mean if he doesn't see you, then having a girlfriend doesn't count?  A long distance relationship - especially across colleges, when a person is experiencing new freedoms, and new friends, and an abundance of new knowledge, and hormones are raging... well that requires a lot of extra effort.  All relationships are hard, long distance is harder, long distance in the face of the temptations of college?  The hardest.  Do you really feel he's putting in all the effort required to maintain it?

[Person123]

The address thing I can understand. He knows where I go to school, but he would also need a mailbox number. I don't blame him for not having it memorized as I don't remember his. But I was annoyed that he did not even ask me what it was. We've never been big on mailing things to each other. For Valentine's he actually came to visit in person, and for Christmas/Chanukah we were at home, so this was the first time I would have expected to get a present when we were not together. What seems strange to me is that even while this was going on, he still called frequently, same as he always does. I would have expected someone who didn't care at all to stop calling. I would like to talk to him about it.

[wolfie]

Did you get him a birthday present? Did his birthday fall on the days you were at school or when you were both together? I am trying to see if he was expecting more then he was willing to give.

[Person123]

His birthday is in June, so it was after we got back.

[wolfie]

His birthday is in June, so it was after we got back.

So his thought was that since you didn't see each other he didn't have to get a gift for you, but that wouldn't apply to him? That bothers me but it's too late to ask him if he would be okay not getting a gift.

[DuBois]

What PPs have said. Yes, this would bother me a lot, and I'm not even a huge present person. But as PPs have said, it isn't the present or lack thereof, it is the coldness and lack of consideration.

[Two Ravens]

Well, I am going to differ slightly from most posters.

When he asked you if you wanted something, you should have just said "yes," instead of demurring with the whole "you don't have to" thing.  If it is important to you, you need to tell him its important to you. 

Second, why do you care so much how he got the DVD?  Are you upset that he didn't order it from Amazon right away?

This incident is really the first thing I can think of that started this behavior. Nothing bad happened for the remainder of the semester, but it started again during the summer. The latest incident was when I went to pick up my sister at her job at the high school when my car wouldn't start. My boyfriend was going to come over soon, and he lives right by the high school. He literally has to pass right by it to get to my house. I called and asked him if he was coming from his house to mine, so when he said he was, I asked if he could pick up my sister. He said no. No explanation, even when I asked him, just "No, I can't." Maybe he had a reason. Maybe he had the best reason in the world. Maybe my sister is secretly psychotic and stabbed him with a kitchen knife last time she saw him, and he was afraid to be in a car with her. But I don't know. This didn't hurt me the way the present incident did, but it seemed very thoughtless to me, not to mention bizarre.

Did you ask him why he couldn't?

It sounds like you and he are having trouble communicating.

[hobish]

Asking if you still want a present? Yeah, i find that weird at the very least. The rest of it? It wouldn't really bother me. I am barely comfortable ordering things online and sending them to people. Especially people who live in apartments or dorms. I would forgive being a little bit of a dunce over getting stuff mailed; it happens to the best of us. Plus, it sounds like he was going out of his way to find a specific rare movie that you specifically said, "I want [_X_]." You have to give him some credit there.


I don't see what mis-managing your birthday gift and picking up your sister have to do with each other?