Would this have bothered you?

[Person123]

Well, I am going to differ slightly from most posters.

When he asked you if you wanted something, you should have just said "yes," instead of demurring with the whole "you don't have to" thing.  If it is important to you, you need to tell him its important to you. 

Second, why do you care so much how he got the DVD?  Are you upset that he didn't order it from Amazon right away?

This incident is really the first thing I can think of that started this behavior. Nothing bad happened for the remainder of the semester, but it started again during the summer. The latest incident was when I went to pick up my sister at her job at the high school when my car wouldn't start. My boyfriend was going to come over soon, and he lives right by the high school. He literally has to pass right by it to get to my house. I called and asked him if he was coming from his house to mine, so when he said he was, I asked if he could pick up my sister. He said no. No explanation, even when I asked him, just "No, I can't." Maybe he had a reason. Maybe he had the best reason in the world. Maybe my sister is secretly psychotic and stabbed him with a kitchen knife last time she saw him, and he was afraid to be in a car with her. But I don't know. This didn't hurt me the way the present incident did, but it seemed very thoughtless to me, not to mention bizarre.

Did you ask him why he couldn't?

It sounds like you and he are having trouble communicating.

Yes, I should have just said yes. I was a little shocked that he asked in the first place and I did not want to look selfish. How he got the DVD wouldn't have bothered me if the process didn't make it seem like he didn't care. If he had decided to search for it in a store and either found it or decided to get it from Amazon and not passed off the whole thing to his dad I wouldn't have cared. The problem I had with the whole thing was that he apparently couldn't do it himself and it did not look like he cared, especially since he did not even bother to ask me where to mail it. I did ask him about the sister thing, but he refused to answer. He just told me he couldn't do it, and I gave up. This is one of those situations where no is not a complete sentence.

[Person123]

Asking if you still want a present? Yeah, i find that weird at the very least. The rest of it? It wouldn't really bother me. I am barely comfortable ordering things online and sending them to people. Especially people who live in apartments or dorms. I would forgive being a little bit of a dunce over getting stuff mailed; it happens to the best of us. Plus, it sounds like he was going out of his way to find a specific rare movie that you specifically said, "I want [_X_]." You have to give him some credit there.


I don't see what mis-managing your birthday gift and picking up your sister have to do with each other?

He has ordered stuff online though, at least in the past, which is why I didn't understand the problem. The sister thing is a similar situation, because in both situations I asked him to do something that required very little effort that he just would not do for no reason, or at least none that he explained to me. It makes it seem like he does not care, and this is a pattern that has been occurring over the past few months. If his birthday had been during school, I could not imagine making my parents go look for his present and then not even sending it to him. If his brother had needed a ride home and I was right there, I would have picked him up, and his brother is a jerk. I don't understand why he is doing this, and it makes me feel like he does not care.

[Two Ravens]

I think you are a little over-involved in the process here. 

You seem to be upset because you believe your boyfriend could have gotten you the present and instead had his dad order it.  And it was a month late.  To you, this makes it seem like he doesn't care.

If his dad had ordered it, and it got to you on time, would you still be upset?

If he ordered it, but you still got it late, would you still be upset? 

It seems you want him to do things your way, and get upset when he does his own thing.

[TychaBrahe]

We had a poster her who used to recommend a book about Love Languages.  It seems to me that you see presents differently.  It seems like he buys presents because it makes you happy to receive them, while you buy presents because it makes you happy to give them.  Based on this, you would obviously buy him a present if you were going to be far away from him, because you have to work extra hard to show him you still love him and are thinking of him, even though you are apart, whereas he thinks since he isn't going to be there to give you the present, it doesn't matter.

I think the two of you need to sit down and talk about this.  The bears all the hallmarks of a relationship that in ten years, if you are still together, you will be resentful of the fact that he doesn't get you random gifts when he's out and sees something you might like, and he doesn't understand why you don't feel loved and act tense all the time.

[Larrabee]

I think you are a little over-involved in the process here. 

You seem to be upset because you believe your boyfriend could have gotten you the present and instead had his dad order it.  And it was a month late.  To you, this makes it seem like he doesn't care.

If his dad had ordered it, and it got to you on time, would you still be upset?

If he ordered it, but you still got it late, would you still be upset? 

It seems you want him to do things your way, and get upset when he does his own thing.

I think that's really unfair.  Getting birthday gifts to the recipient in time for their actual birthday is not just the OP's way, that's pretty much everybody's way.

[Two Ravens]

I think you are a little over-involved in the process here. 

You seem to be upset because you believe your boyfriend could have gotten you the present and instead had his dad order it.  And it was a month late.  To you, this makes it seem like he doesn't care.

If his dad had ordered it, and it got to you on time, would you still be upset?

If he ordered it, but you still got it late, would you still be upset? 

It seems you want him to do things your way, and get upset when he does his own thing.

I think that's really unfair.  Getting birthday gifts to the recipient in time for their actual birthday is not just the OP's way, that's pretty much everybody's way.

I don't think it is an unfair statement. (And I didn't mean it as a totally bad thing, but just something the OP should consider).

She seems to have wanted him to order the DVD himself from Amazon, or sparing that, gone out in his car and bought it for her.  She was upset because she percieves that he handed the job over to his Dad.

If she was just upset the DVD was late, then why post all the extraneous information? 

(And personally, I have never cared about getting presents on my birthday - I actually like it when I get late ones - stretches out the fun, so to speak).

We had a poster her who used to recommend a book about Love Languages.  It seems to me that you see presents differently.  It seems like he buys presents because it makes you happy to receive them, while you buy presents because it makes you happy to give them.  Based on this, you would obviously buy him a present if you were going to be far away from him, because you have to work extra hard to show him you still love him and are thinking of him, even though you are apart, whereas he thinks since he isn't going to be there to give you the present, it doesn't matter.

I was going to include a link to this in my last post, but forgot 
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

[hobish]

TychaBrahe, i think the book you are talking about is The 5 Love Languages. It is overtly Christian, and espouses many biblical attitudes toward male-female relationships. If that is your thing, cool; but a body should be warned before diving into something like that unawares. I personally wanted to burn after reading.

TwoRavens beat me to the link.

[Two Ravens]

TychaBrahe, i think the book you are talking about is The 5 Love Languages. It is overtly Christian, and espouses many biblical attitudes toward male-female relationships. If that is your thing, cool; but a body should be warned before diving into something like that unawares. I personally wanted to burn after reading.

TwoRavens beat me to the link.

I have never actually read the book, so I wasn't aware of that, but I do think the concept make a lot of sense, and is something to consider.  Some people show love in different ways, so there can be disconnects in that way.

[Person123]

I think you are a little over-involved in the process here. 

You seem to be upset because you believe your boyfriend could have gotten you the present and instead had his dad order it.  And it was a month late.  To you, this makes it seem like he doesn't care.

If his dad had ordered it, and it got to you on time, would you still be upset?

If he ordered it, but you still got it late, would you still be upset? 

It seems you want him to do things your way, and get upset when he does his own thing.

The reason why I mentioned that his dad not only ordered it but had spent some time searching for it in the store was because I found it to be very strange. As I said, my boyfriend has a car and a huge mall near his college. He also has access to the websites of any other store that may possibly have it. Why have his dad do it? If that had been the only thing that had happened, I wouldn't have been upset, but I would have found it very odd. I'm wondering why his dad agreed to do it. If I were him, I would not have done it.

While it would not have upset me on its own, it did in combination with everything else. Between asking whether the present was really necessary, to passing the job off to someone else, to deliberately not sending it to me, it upset me. Now, if he had done this by mistake, like if he had accidentally entered in his own address for delivery, I would not have been upset. Anyone can make a mistake. But he didn't even try.

I would also like to point out that I do not have some kind of obsession with Amazon, where all my stuff must come from there. I only suggested he use it because I did not know of any other place that would have it. If he had found it elsewhere, then good for him, I would not have cared.

[Judah]

I would not have been bothered, but, then, we're pretty loosey goosey about birthdays.  For my son's last birthday I sent him a card and called him to wish him a good day.  While I had him on the phone I told him I'd gotten him something and it would be waiting for him the next time he came home.  I'm still waiting for my birthday gift from my sister; it's going on six months now.  I know she got me something, she just hasn't given it to me yet; I can wait.  I was so proud of myself the year I was only two months late with my sister's gift.  I didn't even buy DH's gift this year.  He told me what he wanted and I gave him the money to buy it; he was thrilled.

I don't see that your BF did anything egregious, but it obviously bothered you, so you should talk to him about it.

[Two Ravens]

I think you are a little over-involved in the process here. 

You seem to be upset because you believe your boyfriend could have gotten you the present and instead had his dad order it.  And it was a month late.  To you, this makes it seem like he doesn't care.

If his dad had ordered it, and it got to you on time, would you still be upset?

If he ordered it, but you still got it late, would you still be upset? 

It seems you want him to do things your way, and get upset when he does his own thing.

The reason why I mentioned that his dad not only ordered it but had spent some time searching for it in the store was because I found it to be very strange. As I said, my boyfriend has a car and a huge mall near his college. He also has access to the websites of any other store that may possibly have it. Why have his dad do it? If that had been the only thing that had happened, I wouldn't have been upset, but I would have found it very odd. I'm wondering why his dad agreed to do it. If I were him, I would not have done it.

While it would not have upset me on its own, it did in combination with everything else. Between asking whether the present was really necessary, to passing the job off to someone else, to deliberately not sending it to me, it upset me. Now, if he had done this by mistake, like if he had accidentally entered in his own address for delivery, I would not have been upset. Anyone can make a mistake. But he didn't even try.

I would also like to point out that I do not have some kind of obsession with Amazon, where all my stuff must come from there. I only suggested he use it because I did not know of any other place that would have it. If he had found it elsewhere, then good for him, I would not have cared.

Okay, so stripping away all the extra info, it sounds like you're upset (1) that he even asked if you wanted something and (2) He made no attempt to get it to you on your birthday.  Is that right?

[Person123]

I think you are a little over-involved in the process here. 

You seem to be upset because you believe your boyfriend could have gotten you the present and instead had his dad order it.  And it was a month late.  To you, this makes it seem like he doesn't care.

If his dad had ordered it, and it got to you on time, would you still be upset?

If he ordered it, but you still got it late, would you still be upset? 

It seems you want him to do things your way, and get upset when he does his own thing.

The reason why I mentioned that his dad not only ordered it but had spent some time searching for it in the store was because I found it to be very strange. As I said, my boyfriend has a car and a huge mall near his college. He also has access to the websites of any other store that may possibly have it. Why have his dad do it? If that had been the only thing that had happened, I wouldn't have been upset, but I would have found it very odd. I'm wondering why his dad agreed to do it. If I were him, I would not have done it.

While it would not have upset me on its own, it did in combination with everything else. Between asking whether the present was really necessary, to passing the job off to someone else, to deliberately not sending it to me, it upset me. Now, if he had done this by mistake, like if he had accidentally entered in his own address for delivery, I would not have been upset. Anyone can make a mistake. But he didn't even try.

I would also like to point out that I do not have some kind of obsession with Amazon, where all my stuff must come from there. I only suggested he use it because I did not know of any other place that would have it. If he had found it elsewhere, then good for him, I would not have cared.

Okay, so stripping away all the extra info, it sounds like you're upset (1) that he even asked if you wanted something and (2) He made no attempt to get it to you on your birthday.  Is that right?

Yes

[Two Ravens]

Okay, well I can honetsly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you. 

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

[DuBois]

Okay, well I can honetsly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you. 

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

With respect, I think that it is unususal to be unbothered that someone close to you would say 'shall I get you a birthday gift.' I don't think that you can say it's not a big issue, merely because you personally are not bothered about it. I would be very bothered, and so I'm sure would my boyfriend. I agree with you about the communication issue, but I can quite see where the OP was blindsided.

[Two Ravens]

Okay, well I can honetsly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you. 

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

With respect, I think that it is unususal to be unbothered that someone close to you would say 'shall I get you a birthday gift.' I don't think that you can say it's not a big issue, merely because you personally are not bothered about it. I would be very bothered, and so I'm sure would my boyfriend. I agree with you about the communication issue, but I can quite see where the OP was blindsided.

Well, I love being unusual.    I didn't say it was wrong to be bothered, I just don't think everyone would automatically be bothered by it.

Keep in mind too, the guy prefaced it with, "Since you aren't going to be home" which to me, opens the conversation for something like "Get me something when I get back" or "Let's just do X when we are together."  But again, that's just my interpretation of it.  Maybe I am being overly charitable to him.