Author Topic: Would this have bothered you?  (Read 8084 times)

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DuBois

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #30 on: August 17, 2011, 03:01:33 PM »
Okay, well I can honetsly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you.  :)

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

With respect, I think that it is unususal to be unbothered that someone close to you would say 'shall I get you a birthday gift.' I don't think that you can say it's not a big issue, merely because you personally are not bothered about it. I would be very bothered, and so I'm sure would my boyfriend. I agree with you about the communication issue, but I can quite see where the OP was blindsided.

Well, I love being unusual.  :)  I didn't say it was wrong to be bothered, I just don't think everyone would automatically be bothered by it.
Not everyone, no. But it's culturally engrained enough that it's rather odd that the boyfriend would think the OP would be ok with it, I think.  I am a veteran of several relationships of varying quality. Even the worst boyfriends remembered my birthday.

Two Ravens

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #31 on: August 17, 2011, 03:05:38 PM »
Okay, well I can honestly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you.  :)

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

With respect, I think that it is unusual to be unbothered that someone close to you would say 'shall I get you a birthday gift.' I don't think that you can say it's not a big issue, merely because you personally are not bothered about it. I would be very bothered, and so I'm sure would my boyfriend. I agree with you about the communication issue, but I can quite see where the OP was blindsided.

Well, I love being unusual.  :)  I didn't say it was wrong to be bothered, I just don't think everyone would automatically be bothered by it.
Not everyone, no. But it's culturally engrained enough that it's rather odd that the boyfriend would think the OP would be ok with it, I think.  I am a veteran of several relationships of varying quality. Even the worst boyfriends remembered my birthday.

Some people really don't care that much about presents.  And I have a great husband who forgot our anniversary this year. So maybe that's where I am coming from.

DuBois

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #32 on: August 17, 2011, 03:09:08 PM »
Okay, well I can honestly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you.  :)

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

With respect, I think that it is unusual to be unbothered that someone close to you would say 'shall I get you a birthday gift.' I don't think that you can say it's not a big issue, merely because you personally are not bothered about it. I would be very bothered, and so I'm sure would my boyfriend. I agree with you about the communication issue, but I can quite see where the OP was blindsided.

Well, I love being unusual.  :)  I didn't say it was wrong to be bothered, I just don't think everyone would automatically be bothered by it.
Not everyone, no. But it's culturally engrained enough that it's rather odd that the boyfriend would think the OP would be ok with it, I think.  I am a veteran of several relationships of varying quality. Even the worst boyfriends remembered my birthday.

Some people really don't care that much about presents.  And I have a great husband who forgot our anniversary this year. So maybe that's where I am coming from.
I think, though, that there is a difference between forgetting and seeming to back away, which is what the question that the boyfriend asked of the OP suggested. Also, an anniversary is not quite the same as a birthday. Both my parents on occasion forgot their wedding anniversary. They never forgot or neglected one another's birthdays.

hobish

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #33 on: August 17, 2011, 03:09:21 PM »
LOL, Gish and i both forget our anniversary All the Time and after 10 years i still have to wait until he gets in the shower then peek in his wallet for his ID to be sure i have his birthday right :) so i'll be odd with you.
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Person123

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #34 on: August 17, 2011, 03:10:27 PM »
Okay, well I can honestly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you.  :)

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

With respect, I think that it is unusual to be unbothered that someone close to you would say 'shall I get you a birthday gift.' I don't think that you can say it's not a big issue, merely because you personally are not bothered about it. I would be very bothered, and so I'm sure would my boyfriend. I agree with you about the communication issue, but I can quite see where the OP was blindsided.

Well, I love being unusual.  :)  I didn't say it was wrong to be bothered, I just don't think everyone would automatically be bothered by it.
Not everyone, no. But it's culturally engrained enough that it's rather odd that the boyfriend would think the OP would be ok with it, I think.  I am a veteran of several relationships of varying quality. Even the worst boyfriends remembered my birthday.

Some people really don't care that much about presents.  And I have a great husband who forgot our anniversary this year. So maybe that's where I am coming from.

For me, it wasn't really about the present itself, but what the lack of present represented to me. Jimithing put it into words well.  "It's not the gift, it's the message. Like your birthday and present is an afterthought, or even an annoyance and hoops he has to jump through."

mooseketeer

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #35 on: August 17, 2011, 03:19:11 PM »
First off, I don't buy that your boyfriend had his dad do all this legwork. To me it sounds like he just kept putting off buying the actual thing, and blamed it on his dad's time consuming search efforts.

Does your boyfriend have a job? a credit card? when I was in college I was constantly broke and only had enough money for food and booze, and sorry, but booze would win out over birthday presents most of the time! (most of you probably wouldn't have wanted to date me I guess!!)

I wouldn't have been bothered by someone asking if I wanted a present, I would have said said no. I don't like getting presents. but that is ME, not you. You are obviously bothered by this and by your boyfriend's apparent lack of effort in doing nice things for you. So don't worry if anyone else would be bothered, if you can communicate this to him without getting in a fight, then do it. If you think he'd react poorly to some kind of discussion on this topic, maybe you should think about how much communication with your partner matters to you.

Judah

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #36 on: August 17, 2011, 03:20:00 PM »
Some people really don't care that much about presents.  And I have a great husband who forgot our anniversary this year. So maybe that's where I am coming from.

For me, it wasn't really about the present itself, but what the lack of present represented to me. Jimithing put it into words well.  "It's not the gift, it's the message. Like your birthday and present is an afterthought, or even an annoyance and hoops he has to jump through."

I think what Two Ravens is saying (please correct me if I'm wrong) is that for some people it wouldn't represent anything. There is no message.  For me, the fact that he remembered that it was my birthday would be enough, a gift is just icing, and if I don't get the gift on the day, it's no big deal.
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jimithing

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #37 on: August 17, 2011, 03:24:38 PM »
Some people really don't care that much about presents.  And I have a great husband who forgot our anniversary this year. So maybe that's where I am coming from.

For me, it wasn't really about the present itself, but what the lack of present represented to me. Jimithing put it into words well.  "It's not the gift, it's the message. Like your birthday and present is an afterthought, or even an annoyance and hoops he has to jump through."

I think what Two Ravens is saying (please correct me if I'm wrong) is that for some people it wouldn't represent anything. There is no message.  For me, the fact that he remembered that it was my birthday would be enough, a gift is just icing, and if I don't get the gift on the day, it's no big deal.

I think that if you start out the relationship that way, where gifts aren't a big deal, it's OK. But when an expectation has been established, and then someone diverts from that pattern, it really throws things for a loop in relationships.

For instance, my husband and I rarely get each other gifts. We celebrate birthdays, anniversary, etc., by going out to eat, getting a hotel, etc. Spending time together. So, if one year, my husband decided to spend the money on a giant gift for me, instead of our time with each other, I would be annoyed because it would upset the established pattern, if that makes sense.

Judah

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #38 on: August 17, 2011, 03:33:36 PM »
I think that if you start out the relationship that way, where gifts aren't a big deal, it's OK. But when an expectation has been established, and then someone diverts from that pattern, it really throws things for a loop in relationships.

For instance, my husband and I rarely get each other gifts. We celebrate birthdays, anniversary, etc., by going out to eat, getting a hotel, etc. Spending time together. So, if one year, my husband decided to spend the money on a giant gift for me, instead of our time with each other, I would be annoyed because it would upset the established pattern, if that makes sense.

I don't disagree, but I don't know if the expectation really has been established.  This was the OP's first year away at college and BF may have felt that since they weren't going to be together for the day, a gift wasn't really necessary.  I can understand thinking that.  But as I said upthread, since it bothered the OP, she needs to talk to him about it.
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Two Ravens

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #39 on: August 17, 2011, 03:43:23 PM »
Some people really don't care that much about presents.  And I have a great husband who forgot our anniversary this year. So maybe that's where I am coming from.

For me, it wasn't really about the present itself, but what the lack of present represented to me. Jimithing put it into words well.  "It's not the gift, it's the message. Like your birthday and present is an afterthought, or even an annoyance and hoops he has to jump through."

I think what Two Ravens is saying (please correct me if I'm wrong) is that for some people it wouldn't represent anything. There is no message.  For me, the fact that he remembered that it was my birthday would be enough, a gift is just icing, and if I don't get the gift on the day, it's no big deal.

That's exactly it.  Thank you!

(And again, we may just have different perspectives.  I bought all my own Christmas presents last year.  My husband did wrap them for me.  That was his total effort  ;D )

auntiem

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #40 on: August 17, 2011, 04:06:00 PM »
I think the issue is that your BF is a lazy lima bean. Lazy can come off as not caring because well, it is - actually more selfish than not caring - but it comes across the same way. So I agree this would bother me greatly.
I was in a year long long-distance relationship my first year of college. IMHO that kind of relationship takes a ton of work and effort.
Some people don't transition to college life very well and "shut down" in defence - if this is new behavior on his part then maybe that is the issue. Or he has always been a lazy lima bean and you are just now noticing it because the added stress of the long-distance thing combined with your increasing independence in life in general is showing up the lazy/selfish behavior he has always had.

Larrabee

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #41 on: August 17, 2011, 04:55:09 PM »
Okay, well I can honestly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you.  :)

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

With respect, I think that it is unusual to be unbothered that someone close to you would say 'shall I get you a birthday gift.' I don't think that you can say it's not a big issue, merely because you personally are not bothered about it. I would be very bothered, and so I'm sure would my boyfriend. I agree with you about the communication issue, but I can quite see where the OP was blindsided.

Well, I love being unusual.  :)  I didn't say it was wrong to be bothered, I just don't think everyone would automatically be bothered by it.
Not everyone, no. But it's culturally engrained enough that it's rather odd that the boyfriend would think the OP would be ok with it, I think.  I am a veteran of several relationships of varying quality. Even the worst boyfriends remembered my birthday.

Some people really don't care that much about presents.  And I have a great husband who forgot our anniversary this year. So maybe that's where I am coming from.


This is the problem with this kind of thread.  Even though the surface issue is a gift, the reason the poster is upset is hardly ever "I wanted X and I didn't get it", because there's a really easy answer to that which is to buy X for yourself!

Then posts like this appear, which to me seem to be very subtly chastising the OP for being materialistic/high maintenance and caring about getting a gift on their birthday in the first place.  I don't think its helpful, she has every right to be upset.


bah12

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #42 on: August 17, 2011, 05:03:42 PM »
I think part of the issue is not ONLY that he seemed lackadaisical about the present, but that this represents a significant change in how the relationship is working.  It's not so much that this particular present was so important, it's that this time it was treated differently.  And I don't think the OP should overlook that this happens to be occurring during the first year that they are both away from each other. 

The dynamics of the relationship are changing and the OP doesn't know why...and her BF is not communicating his reasons why he's doing things differently to her very effectively.  It could be part of the natural process of pulling away from a long distance relationship, part of growing up (and maybe growing out of the HS relationship into something else.)

I'm not saying that any of these are a sure sign that BF is pulling away from the relationship, but I do think that when the OP brings up how it seems like he doesn't care or isn't putting as much effort into the relationship as he once was, that they also explore exactly where they think they are going and how the "rules" have or haven't change along with the distance.  It won't be an easy conversation, I think, but it is important.

Judah

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #43 on: August 17, 2011, 05:07:44 PM »
Okay, well I can honestly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you.  :)

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

With respect, I think that it is unusual to be unbothered that someone close to you would say 'shall I get you a birthday gift.' I don't think that you can say it's not a big issue, merely because you personally are not bothered about it. I would be very bothered, and so I'm sure would my boyfriend. I agree with you about the communication issue, but I can quite see where the OP was blindsided.

Well, I love being unusual.  :)  I didn't say it was wrong to be bothered, I just don't think everyone would automatically be bothered by it.
Not everyone, no. But it's culturally engrained enough that it's rather odd that the boyfriend would think the OP would be ok with it, I think.  I am a veteran of several relationships of varying quality. Even the worst boyfriends remembered my birthday.

Some people really don't care that much about presents.  And I have a great husband who forgot our anniversary this year. So maybe that's where I am coming from.


This is the problem with this kind of thread.  Even though the surface issue is a gift, the reason the poster is upset is hardly ever "I wanted X and I didn't get it", because there's a really easy answer to that which is to buy X for yourself!

Then posts like this appear, which to me seem to be very subtly chastising the OP for being materialistic/high maintenance and caring about getting a gift on their birthday in the first place.  I don't think its helpful, she has every right to be upset.

The OP asked, "Would this have bothered you?" and people are giving her their answers.  No one has chastised the OP or called her materialistic, and I'm pretty sure everyone has said that if it bothered her, she should talk to her BF.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

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Two Ravens

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Re: Would this have bothered you?
« Reply #44 on: August 17, 2011, 05:09:43 PM »
Okay, well I can honestly say those two things would not bother me that much, but its perfectly fine if they bother you.  :)

I would say that you need to talk to your BF about it though, because it is not universal that those things he did are a sign of anything other than cluelessness.  There are plenty of people out there who would say, "Oh don't bother getting me something, let's just do something together later on..." or "Don't bother mailing it to me, just give it to me the next time we see each other..."  You BF may not know how important those things are to you.

The fact that your BF refuses to discuss things with you seems to be a bigger issue.

With respect, I think that it is unusual to be unbothered that someone close to you would say 'shall I get you a birthday gift.' I don't think that you can say it's not a big issue, merely because you personally are not bothered about it. I would be very bothered, and so I'm sure would my boyfriend. I agree with you about the communication issue, but I can quite see where the OP was blindsided.

Well, I love being unusual.  :)  I didn't say it was wrong to be bothered, I just don't think everyone would automatically be bothered by it.
Not everyone, no. But it's culturally engrained enough that it's rather odd that the boyfriend would think the OP would be ok with it, I think.  I am a veteran of several relationships of varying quality. Even the worst boyfriends remembered my birthday.

Some people really don't care that much about presents.  And I have a great husband who forgot our anniversary this year. So maybe that's where I am coming from.


This is the problem with this kind of thread.  Even though the surface issue is a gift, the reason the poster is upset is hardly ever "I wanted X and I didn't get it", because there's a really easy answer to that which is to buy X for yourself!

Then posts like this appear, which to me seem to be very subtly chastising the OP for being materialistic/high maintenance and caring about getting a gift on their birthday in the first place.  I don't think its helpful, she has every right to be upset.

Excuse me?  The OP asked: Would this have bothered you?  Should I not have answered her question?

I was in no way chastising the OP.  Different people value different things, and recognizing this is important.