leaving the holidays early, and demanding a change next year

[housewife2k]

Hubby and I both have alrger families, and have a packed full christmas eve and christmas day. We alwaays do his families stuff on the eve, as it's been that way since before we were together, and my families on the day of, with the morning stuff for just us and the kids. Middleson, who is two, has PDD, and we are still learning what triggers meltdowns in him, apparently, the get togethers are a little much. We had to argue with our families, both on christmas eve and day to be able to leave early, so as to get him somewhere he feels safe. Both moms (My mom and my MIL) called since then to express displeasure at our hasty retreat, they felt it was rude for us to leave immediately after presents were opened. I spoke with my mom, and Hubby spoke with MIL, we told them the same thing-Middleson has an earlier bedtime, we cannot just push it back or adjust his naps, as he needs the routine, he is high-functioning autistic, but needs routine none-the-less. We would be happy to stay later if dinner could be earlier, and we would be more than happy to host at our house, so he has a 'safe place'. We will stay at any family function as long as is good FOR HIM, it would ruin everyones time if he melts down, and we cannot make him 'better' in a large group of people or at a forign home.
Since these conversations we ahve been dressed down for being rude, trying to 'steal' the holiday, and being bossy. We feel we are doing what is best for our kids, are offering to host at our house, and that some if it is quite frankly beyond our control. Middleson's diagnoses is fairly new, and many people are still adjusting to it, denying it, or ingoring it, which is frustrating as well.

Are they right that we were rude? Was it selfish of us to leave, or selfish of us to offer to host? Am I missing something due to my emotional involvement?

[Chocolate Cake]

I think it would have helped if your families had been given advance notice that you'd be leaving early as opposed to having it sprung on them in the moment.  However, what is done is done.   At this point, rather than continue to argue your position, I would simply validate that you "understand their feelings" and were "sorry to disappoint" and other soothing statements in future conversations.   

Then, as this new year goes by, make a point to give both families lots of information on your son's condition -- article reprints, interesting website links, discussions about his behavior in various situations, etc.   With plenty of exposure to it, you'll set the foundation for altering your participation in next year's holiday festivities.  Then, about early November, you can then open a discussion with the hosts about what you can and can't do.  By that time, they should be more understanding and more amenable to the changes.

[Verruca]

You were not rude.  You are not being selfish.  I agree with Cake that lots of preparation will help both families understand what's going on when you need to leave early - but that's for next year.  For this year, you did what you had to do and you are not wrong.

I also agree with Cake that you can, if you like, validate how they feel - but I don't think you need to apologize for leaving early.

[FoxPaws]

I think you were actually very considerate to leave before things could get out of control. The only thing that might have been done differently would have been to warn the grandparents' about this possibility ahead of time, so your leave-taking didn't look so abrupt.

As for next year:
 - Make sure everybody in the family is aware of your son's diagnosis/treatment plan.
 - Bring up the holiday plans early, and let everybody know what course of action your family will be taking in various situations (e.g. We need to leave by 9:00; if dinner is after 7:00, we'll be bringing food for Middleson so he can eat on schedule)
 - Can the in-law parent take Middleson home, while the other kids and parent stay for the rest of the celebration?
 - Can the grandparents/other family members be included at doctors/therapy appointments so that they can hear professional opinion for themselves?
 - Can Middleson visit the grandparents often enough during the rest of the year to find safe spaces in their homes?
 - *WARNING* RADICAL - Can the grandparents witness a meltdown so they know what they'd be dealing with if they insist on ignoring your advice?

[Suze]

I'm still trying to figure out how you can "steal" the holiday by leaving?

Wouldn't a meltdown be more of a "scene stealer" than leaving? (I would think so, anyway)

Why keep the little guy in a house full of noise and upset when you know it is going to cause this? 

You did the right thing by leaving.   Don't argue with Mom's anymore. Just tell them that if you don't leave NOW Middleson is going to be "stealing the holiday" and it will not be pretty. 

Sorry Mom, I really enjoyed the day but we have to leave

Get coat

Go Home

I know Grandma's want their kids around on the holidays, but why would anybody insist on someone staying when they are freaking out is beyond me.

[willow08]

I would give the family a few more holidays, following the tips about advance warnings and repeated explanations of his diagnosis. IF they don't shape up, have quiet holidays at home. It concerns me that they see you as trying to "steal" the holiday, it smacks of selfishness on their part.

[ImperfctMe]

Agree with other posters, you can't put your child at risk here for their happiness. I also would add that you shouldn't have the parties at your house, that might also trigger a meltdown if his safe place becomes unfamiliar.

Maybe it would help if you photocopied some articles and/or sent them a link to a website explaining what your son has been diagnosed with? Understanding what Autism is and its many varities is something relatively new, and there are more than a few people out there who probably couldn't even give you a basic definition. I know for me being on this discussion list has really opened my eyes; I was one of those people that thought Autism = Rainman and had no idea there were other levels of it. And my best friend is finishing her residencey in pyschiatry, so it's not as though I don't discuss those illnesses.

[kckgirl]

I think you were actually very considerate to leave before things could get out of control. The only thing that might have been done differently would have been to warn the grandparents' about this possibility ahead of time, so your leave-taking didn't look so abrupt.

As for next year:
 - Make sure everybody in the family is aware of your son's diagnosis/treatment plan.
 - Bring up the holiday plans early, and let everybody know what course of action your family will be taking in various situations (e.g. We need to leave by 9:00; if dinner is after 7:00, we'll be bringing food for Middleson so he can eat on schedule)
 - Can the in-law parent take Middleson home, while the other kids and parent stay for the rest of the celebration?
 - Can the grandparents/other family members be included at doctors/therapy appointments so that they can hear professional opinion for themselves?
 - Can Middleson visit the grandparents often enough during the rest of the year to find safe spaces in their homes?
 - *WARNING* RADICAL - Can the grandparents witness a meltdown so they know what they'd be dealing with if they insist on ignoring your advice?

I think you've offered some excellent ideas. If the grandparents happen to be there when a meltdown occurs, that's one thing, but I wouldn't stay to please them and let them see what happens as a result.

I especially think including the family in medical/therapy appointments or offering printed information is a good idea. Most people, myself included, have no experience with autism and don't know what to expect.


Edited to add a missing phrase that was in my head but didn't reach my fingers.

[Nuala]

I'm still trying to figure out how you can "steal" the holiday by leaving?

You "steal" the holiday when after you've left one relative keeps saying, "I can't believe they left! How rude they are!  Don't they know it's Christmas??" for the rest of the night.

If someone had said, "I understand completely.  Middleson's needs are important.  We have lots of people here to carry on the party, don't worry about us at all!  We'll call you tomorrow, dear.  Have a safe drive home," then you miss out on the drama, which is apparently no fun for some people.

[IndianInlaw]

You weren't being rude, they were.

I think if they were allowed to witness a meltdown, you would be accused of being a bad parent.  Actually, I know it.  I have sooooo been there.

You need to quit focusing on what other's think.  You cannot change your son to suit their needs.

God bless you...time and time again.

[Adah]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, on top of dealing with this recent diagnosis. Having an autistic child, even a highly functioning one, puts so much stress into a marriage. Good for you for recognizing the needs of your son first.

One of my coworkers has a highly functioning autistic son and like your son, his son does not do well in large crowds or unfamiliar places. When we were planning our office Xmas party this year (with family), he offered to host it because it would be the best thing for his son to be at his house. We were all happy to accommodate his family's needs.

[ettacat]

I have had the same issues with our high functioning Autistic son. DH's family are better than they used to be. However, it is not without some trouble. One sister of DH's tried to educate me all about Autism this year. I looked at her and said, "Duh." I know that wasn't nice, but she is one of those who knows it all. She needed someone to inform her that she does not, indeed, know it all.

We have an agreement that if James gets out of hand, and over-excited, we leave.  He could not go an uncle's wedding, because I KNEW he would act out and not understand he was to be quiet. Of course, I heard the BS about that. Funny, the uncle and aunt were not upset at all and in fact were very supportive.

My FIL is in the stages of Alzheimers. So, my MIL has become a lot more sympathetic to our situation. The thing that bugs me is that we are supposed to be considerate of FIL, and all, which is fine. But, it seems that some still don't want to be considerate of our son. I don't know if it is because people don't understand Autism, or if they just think we somehow can make him stop stimming and getting overwhelmed in crowds. I don't know.

[Lisbeth]

I think you were actually very considerate to leave before things could get out of control. The only thing that might have been done differently would have been to warn the grandparents' about this possibility ahead of time, so your leave-taking didn't look so abrupt.

I agree 100%.  Keeping the occasion from turning into a meltdown-centered one was far more polite and caring for everyone (even if the grandparents didn't appreciate it) then staying.

Is there any way you can videotape or record a meltdown to show to relatives who give you a hard time if your son has one again?  It's a bit less messy than letting your son melt down in company would be.

[housewife2k]

I have had the same issues with our high functioning Autistic son. DH's family are better than they used to be. However, it is not without some trouble. One sister of DH's tried to educate me all about Autism this year. I looked at her and said, "Duh." I know that wasn't nice, but she is one of those who knows it all. She needed someone to inform her that she does not, indeed, know it all.

We have an agreement that if James gets out of hand, and over-excited, we leave.  He could not go an uncle's wedding, because I KNEW he would act out and not understand he was to be quiet. Of course, I heard the BS about that. Funny, the uncle and aunt were not upset at all and in fact were very supportive.

My FIL is in the stages of Alzheimers. So, my MIL has become a lot more sympathetic to our situation. The thing that bugs me is that we are supposed to be considerate of FIL, and all, which is fine. But, it seems that some still don't want to be considerate of our son. I don't know if it is because people don't understand Autism, or if they just think we somehow can make him stop stimming and getting overwhelmed in crowds. I don't know.

I see that some of my family still think that his behaviour is "just being two" and that we should be able to control it more, but if I implied that great-gramma's behaviour was 'just being a little senile at 94' I would be lynched.

[housewife2k]

You have all had some wonderful suggestions, thank you. I have been trying to include the extended family in therapy more, but it is not at times that are convenient for them. Many of the closer relatives still seem to be in denial that there is anything wrong with Middleson, and the more accepting ones are scared, because they know that since he is two, in a year his behaviour will have gotten either better or worse, we have been assured that there will be a change, just not in what direction.
I know I told my mom we might have to leave early and abruptly, but I cannot remember if we notified MIL.

I think it's going to be a year of e-mail reports and links, and trying to schedule around his needs. I'd rather not have to have anyone else witness a meltdown, as they are scary for everyone involved.

Thank you all so much for your help and advice.