General Etiquette > Family and Children

leaving the holidays early, and demanding a change next year

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housewife2k:
Hubby and I both have alrger families, and have a packed full christmas eve and christmas day. We alwaays do his families stuff on the eve, as it's been that way since before we were together, and my families on the day of, with the morning stuff for just us and the kids. Middleson, who is two, has PDD, and we are still learning what triggers meltdowns in him, apparently, the get togethers are a little much. We had to argue with our families, both on christmas eve and day to be able to leave early, so as to get him somewhere he feels safe. Both moms (My mom and my MIL) called since then to express displeasure at our hasty retreat, they felt it was rude for us to leave immediately after presents were opened. I spoke with my mom, and Hubby spoke with MIL, we told them the same thing-Middleson has an earlier bedtime, we cannot just push it back or adjust his naps, as he needs the routine, he is high-functioning autistic, but needs routine none-the-less. We would be happy to stay later if dinner could be earlier, and we would be more than happy to host at our house, so he has a 'safe place'. We will stay at any family function as long as is good FOR HIM, it would ruin everyones time if he melts down, and we cannot make him 'better' in a large group of people or at a forign home.
Since these conversations we ahve been dressed down for being rude, trying to 'steal' the holiday, and being bossy. We feel we are doing what is best for our kids, are offering to host at our house, and that some if it is quite frankly beyond our control. Middleson's diagnoses is fairly new, and many people are still adjusting to it, denying it, or ingoring it, which is frustrating as well.

Are they right that we were rude? Was it selfish of us to leave, or selfish of us to offer to host? Am I missing something due to my emotional involvement?

Chocolate Cake:
I think it would have helped if your families had been given advance notice that you'd be leaving early as opposed to having it sprung on them in the moment.  However, what is done is done.   At this point, rather than continue to argue your position, I would simply validate that you "understand their feelings" and were "sorry to disappoint" and other soothing statements in future conversations.   

Then, as this new year goes by, make a point to give both families lots of information on your son's condition -- article reprints, interesting website links, discussions about his behavior in various situations, etc.   With plenty of exposure to it, you'll set the foundation for altering your participation in next year's holiday festivities.  Then, about early November, you can then open a discussion with the hosts about what you can and can't do.  By that time, they should be more understanding and more amenable to the changes.

Verruca:
You were not rude.  You are not being selfish.  I agree with Cake that lots of preparation will help both families understand what's going on when you need to leave early - but that's for next year.  For this year, you did what you had to do and you are not wrong.

I also agree with Cake that you can, if you like, validate how they feel - but I don't think you need to apologize for leaving early.

FoxPaws:
I think you were actually very considerate to leave before things could get out of control. The only thing that might have been done differently would have been to warn the grandparents' about this possibility ahead of time, so your leave-taking didn't look so abrupt.

As for next year:
 - Make sure everybody in the family is aware of your son's diagnosis/treatment plan.
 - Bring up the holiday plans early, and let everybody know what course of action your family will be taking in various situations (e.g. We need to leave by 9:00; if dinner is after 7:00, we'll be bringing food for Middleson so he can eat on schedule)
 - Can the in-law parent take Middleson home, while the other kids and parent stay for the rest of the celebration?
 - Can the grandparents/other family members be included at doctors/therapy appointments so that they can hear professional opinion for themselves?
 - Can Middleson visit the grandparents often enough during the rest of the year to find safe spaces in their homes?
 - *WARNING* RADICAL - Can the grandparents witness a meltdown so they know what they'd be dealing with if they insist on ignoring your advice?

Suze:
I'm still trying to figure out how you can "steal" the holiday by leaving?

Wouldn't a meltdown be more of a "scene stealer" than leaving? (I would think so, anyway)

Why keep the little guy in a house full of noise and upset when you know it is going to cause this? 

You did the right thing by leaving.   Don't argue with Mom's anymore. Just tell them that if you don't leave NOW Middleson is going to be "stealing the holiday" and it will not be pretty. 

Sorry Mom, I really enjoyed the day but we have to leave

Get coat

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I know Grandma's want their kids around on the holidays, but why would anybody insist on someone staying when they are freaking out is beyond me.

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