leaving the holidays early, and demanding a change next year

[ZipTheWonder]

Is there any way you can videotape or record a meltdown to show to relatives who give you a hard time if your son has one again?  It's a bit less messy than letting your son melt down in company would be.

While this is practical, it breaks my heart to hear it even be suggested. I honestly think giving their objections too much attention buys into those objections too much.  And her word on his needs really should be sufficient.

The complication here is that the OP and her child are guests at these functions, so it's hard for her to ask for a lot of accomodation i(ie: when the meal is served, what time the function is held.) I wonder if the best solution is for her family to issue invitations to their home and then let the chips fall where they may -- people accept or they don't.  I use the phrase "It's an invitation not a summons.  You're welcome but not forced! " when people balk at invitations that might interfere with their plans.

As much as I hate for this child to miss the extended family functions, I wonder if he would enjoy the 'engineered environment' of a holiday at home?  (I'm not autistic and I know *I* do!)  A lot of people really don't enjoy the chaos and uncertainty of being in someone else's home for the holidays, and there is nothing wrong with this young family starting their own traditions for the children at home -- traditions which respect their son's needs but still allow him to have his own kind of fun!

I guess I just want the OP to feel she has permission to stay home if she wants to!

[JoyinVirginia]

You know your kids and it is your job as a mother to look out for their best interests. Your job is NOT to keep the rest of your extended family happy. When  you got married, your husband and later kids became your primary responsibility. You did GOOD taking care of your child's needs!

Before we had kids, DH and I split the day between my parents (I am an only child) and his family (he is oldest of 4, his mom is a widow).  We decided together and announced in advance that once we had kids, WE WOULD BE HOME ALL DAY ON CHRISTMAS DAY. As I child I was dragged to different relatives homes on Christmas day, when all I wanted to do was STAY PUT!. I told DH I would never make my kids leave home on Christmas Day, but anyone who wanted to drop by was welcome.

We got some grumbling, but you know what? Everyone got over it. You can see family the day before, the weekend before, the weekend after. I recommend a new tradition - stay home on Christmas Day! It made MY life a lot easier once I made that decision.
Joy in Virginia

[Evil Duckie]

You have to do what is best for your child. Sometimes that means not being accommodating to everyone else.

Any time a child is diagnosed with a life long condition it takes a while to accept it.  Sometimes it can take years. The older generation might have the hardest time due to they see it as a fault on them personally. They want to hang on the illusion of everyone normal so by denying it they are still normal. Be patient and keep them informed about your DS

[Lisbeth]

Is there any way you can videotape or record a meltdown to show to relatives who give you a hard time if your son has one again?  It's a bit less messy than letting your son melt down in company would be.

While this is practical, it breaks my heart to hear it even be suggested.

The reason I suggested it is because the grandparents seem to have no idea at all of what the OP and her husband are dealing with.  Instead, they're making demands that the OP, her husband, and most important, her son, can't handle, and *they aren't accepting their word for it.*  Yes, the OP and her husband could simply walk out with their son, but I think that they need their parents to understand and empathize with their position in order to have good relationships with them and for the grandparents to have a good relationship with their grandchild.  Forcing a family with an autistic child to stay through a meltdown IMO shows a major lack of compassion and understanding.

I guess these are people who can only be convinced with hard evidence.

[ZipTheWonder]

That's actually the very problem I have with it. If they will only accept "hard core evidence," I wouldn't really want to bother with convincing them.   

Sure, they *should* empathize and understand, but my guess is that if they can't take their daughter's word about her child's disability (to the extent they accuse her of 'stealing' a holiday when she leaves!?!?!) they will probabaly only raise some other objection to her meeting her son's needs.  When they see his meltdowns, instead of being convinced of his needs, they'll be convinced that the behavior is something the parents should be managing better, that they shouldn't allow their son to control their comings and goings, etc. 

I guess fundamentally I am totally opposed to the idea that people who have disabilities should "prove" to somebody else that they exist....

[housewife2k]

I guess fundamentally I am totally opposed to the idea that people who have disabilities should "prove" to somebody else that they exist....

My mom just called. Apparently, my Step-dad, who is awesome, tald her something along these lines. His brother is autistic, so he has more experience with it than my mom. Step-dad told her that christmas day dinner will be at our place, and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to go. He said that he'd rather not put Middleson in an uncomfortable situation, and home is comfortable, so that's how it's going to be. She requested christmas brunch be at her place, and I let her know it's completely contigint on how Middleson is doing, as I am sure she wouldn't want to witness a meltdown. She said she would not want that to happen, so we are making headway. Hubby and I will be getting together with the in-laws on Tuesday, and discussing next year. The in-laws normally have the holidays planned out about 10 months in advance, so we must act now.

[Gileswench]

housewife2k, I just wanted to add my support. It's a difficult thing to raise an autistic child, and it's harder because so few people understand what you're actually dealing with. You did the right thing: you saw to the needs of your child.

Here's hoping that when more of the relatives have a better understanding of middleson's condition, they'll be more willing to accomodate his needs.

[housewife2k]

housewife2k, I just wanted to add my support. It's a difficult thing to raise an autistic child, and it's harder because so few people understand what you're actually dealing with. You did the right thing: you saw to the needs of your child.

Here's hoping that when more of the relatives have a better understanding of middleson's condition, they'll be more willing to accomodate his needs.

A big part of understanding his condition is accepting it, something some family members still aren't doing.

[Musicwoman]

I feel your pain - my son has high-functioning autism and his 2-year old meltdowns are burned into my brain with fearful clarity.  Hmm, offend relatives or provoke one?  No contest.

One of the problems with meltdowns in autistic toddlers is that they look so much like normal toddler behaviour, just spectacularly bad.  I vividly remember the looks of disgust I used to get in the street or the supermarket when my son threw himself on the ground and screamed.  It simply looked like he was having the mother of all tantrums, and the looks plainly said "Why doesn't that mother do something about disciplining that child?"  He was undiagnosed at that point, just to make it worse.  It was a big relief when he grew big enough that it was obvious he had some sort of disability when he melted in public.

If it helps...
At age 3, my son was totally non-verbal, not toilet trained, unable to do basic self-care like wash and dress himself, and having horrendous meltdowns lasting an average of 1.5 hours (his all-time record was 2.5 hours).  When things were good, he would have 3-4 of these a week.  When things were bad, he would have 3-4 a day.  Cleaning his teeth was a half-hour ordeal; washing and brushing his hair was so hideous I got his head shaved.

Today he is 12.  His speech is "off" in his choice of words and inflection, but perfectly understandable.  He understands, and even makes, jokes involving puns and sarcasm.  I am regularly complimented on his excellent manners.  He only needs verbal reminders to wash and change his clothes.  He has been attending a normal school, with the assistance of an aide; he is looking forward to starting high school in February.  He performs chores around the house, rides a bike and can safely walk or cycle to school by himself.  He walks to the shop to spend his pocket money, chooses his sweets, pays for them and walks home - all totally independently.  He plays with his friends and has sleepovers at their houses.  He has a crush on a girl.  He loves Harry Potter and Monty Python and is currently reading Eragon.  He is excellent at roller skating.  He dreams of becoming either a paleontologist or a wildlife park ranger.

Congratulations on recognising your son's unique needs and being willing to cheese people off to meet them.  Autism is a hard row to how but your positive attitude, coupled with such an early diagnosis, will give your little boy the best chance he has to live an independent and successful life.  Well done, and good luck.     

[IndianInlaw]

Musicwoman, never mind the looks of disgust.  How about the remarks from "the behavior police", who thought your difficulties were somehow their business?

I've told this story here before, but years ago, when my son was 3, he was having a meltdown (the 2nd major one of the day) in front of a supermarket in Florida, in August.

He wasn't blocking anyone's way or anything and I was trying to remove him.  This one old lady (the second of the day) came over and started in with the comments.

It was hotter than all getout and I had just HAD IT!  I politely (really, politely!) offered to introduce her to the sidewalk.   She persisted and I repeated my generous offer, a little more firmly.

She fled...

Twenty years later, my mom is still talking about it.

[housewife2k]

Musicwoman and IndianInLaw- Thank you for letting me know it can get better, and that the public meltdowns are survivable. Hubby is much better at dealing with the public response than I am, once commenting that it was a good thing he meted down in Target, because lord knows our floors weren't nearly as clean.

[VorFemme]

Having a meltdown would disrupt the poor kid's life horribly - probably to no purpose - as the extended family would be far more likely to blame "poor parenting" than over-stimulating a routine-dependent autistic child.

Giving them literature or videos to learn more about the condition *might* help or might give them ammunition to insist that the mother did something WRONG during the pregnancy to "cause this" because there has never been any history of this in OUR family before........had a friend who was divorced after the birth of the autistic son by her husband due to his mother's accusations of infidelity or something similar.  Never mind the "odd" uncle on MIL's side of the family.............he was NOT autistic.  He was just eccentric.............having been born some fifty years before the "discovery" that there is an autism spectrum of behaviours, rather than ONLY the "Rain Man" version.

But I digress........

[andi]

hugs

i have an almost 2 year old - and while he's not autistic he is on a schedule that works for him and me.  We have some leway, but meals, naps and betimes come within a window of time each day.  That's how it's been since the beginning.  It works.  When the schedule isn't followed - it DOESN"T work.  I've had the hardest time comvincing people of this (oh - he can wait another half hour to eat, oh he doesn't need an afternoon nap....)

You have to do what's best for your child - that is the loving, responsible thing to do - and if family cannot accept it .... well they're going to miss out on spending time with a wonderful little boy.  You did the right thing.

[ettacat]

Having a meltdown would disrupt the poor kid's life horribly - probably to no purpose - as the extended family would be far more likely to blame "poor parenting" than over-stimulating a routine-dependent autistic child.

Giving them literature or videos to learn more about the condition *might* help or might give them ammunition to insist that the mother did something WRONG during the pregnancy to "cause this" because there has never been any history of this in OUR family before........had a friend who was divorced after the birth of the autistic son by her husband due to his mother's accusations of infidelity or something similar.  Never mind the "odd" uncle on MIL's side of the family.............he was NOT autistic.  He was just eccentric.............having been born some fifty years before the "discovery" that there is an autism spectrum of behaviours, rather than ONLY the "Rain Man" version.

But I digress........

If my inlaws or anyone else EVER suggested such ugliness, they would be getting the tongue lashing the likes of which they will never experience again. Then, they will never see us or the children again. That would be after someone would have to sit on me to keep me from knocking the offender flat for even suggesting infidelity.

[ettacat]

housewife2k, I just wanted to add my support. It's a difficult thing to raise an autistic child, and it's harder because so few people understand what you're actually dealing with. You did the right thing: you saw to the needs of your child.

Here's hoping that when more of the relatives have a better understanding of middleson's condition, they'll be more willing to accomodate his needs.

A big part of understanding his condition is accepting it, something some family members still aren't doing.

Another mom of high functioning autistic son here: They have to get over themselves and accept it. What else can they do? My inlaws were not "getting it" for awhile. I finally had it out with my MIL and told her to get the others on board or we were not going to come around. She finally "got it" when her husband was diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimers. I am not comparing the conditions and yes I am sorry my FIL is ill. But she finally saw something from my side of the tracks.

Oh I still get the remarks and one SIL actually started to "educate" me on Autism. (Boy, talk about preaching to the choir! LOL!) But, we are the parents, we are in charge and if they don't like it because our son won't do this or that, or eat this or that, or act like the other kids, well they know I will tell them to get over it.