leaving the holidays early, and demanding a change next year

[Groundsgirl]

Ugh. There are few things that irk me more than people trying to tell the parents of my students that their child's autism is the parents fault or that it doesn't exist (hows that for an awkward sentence?).

Kudos for holding your ground. YOU know your son. YOU know his limits. YOU are in the best position to determine what is and is not okay for your son (unless you happened to be one of those parents who refuse to believe that their child is autistic when the child is a walking textbook study of the disorder).

I know how much it bothers my students when their schedule is messed up and so I have a good idea of how much it could bother a child when their schedule is disrupted AND they are in an unfamiliar environment. Not to mention the sensory overload from everybody and everything.

[Lynda_34]

Think about this, we all work with adults who are rigid, work best under a schedule and don't do well with unexpected changes in their day.  These people are worked around and accepted or simply let go. 
If your child does well with a schedule then stick to it there is plenty of time to introduce flexibility and spontaneousness later on, I mean the kid is only two, he's got a lifetime to adjust to things. (personally I feel the more secure and simple a child's routine is the easier they will have things later when life throws curve balls no matter what the diagnosis is?

[housewife2k]

Think about this, we all work with adults who are rigid, work best under a schedule and don't do well with unexpected changes in their day.  These people are worked around and accepted or simply let go. 
If your child does well with a schedule then stick to it there is plenty of time to introduce flexibility and spontaneousness later on, I mean the kid is only two, he's got a lifetime to adjust to things. (personally I feel the more secure and simple a child's routine is the easier they will have things later when life throws curve balls no matter what the diagnosis is?

It's the general accepted theory thas saller children thrive off of a set routine/schedule. They like knowing what's coming next, thet after lunch is a nap, that between dinner an bed is a bath and a story, and that they wake up at X time and go to sleep at Y time. No one seems to have any issues with this, but when you start enforcing a routine because it is NEEDED and not WANTED, the issues seem to arise.  The grandmothers were talking about how Hubby and I both had fairly strict schedules as small children, BUT they could deviate if needed, or wanted. If lunch was going to be late, or if we were going somewhere, they could tweak our naptimes, dinnertimes, etc, as long as we had the naps/food/baths/stories/what have you, we were fine. I explained that the difference is, they could schedule our routine around their wants.needs. I have to schedule everyone/everything else around middleson. I cannot be flexible, as he is rigid. I also have to make sure that Oldestson and Babyson are having their needs met, are having one on one time with their parents, and do not grow up feeling resentment towards their brother or us for something outside of everyone's control.

[Sophia]

I'm still trying to figure out how you can "steal" the holiday by leaving?

Wouldn't a meltdown be more of a "scene stealer" than leaving? (I would think so, anyway)

Why keep the little guy in a house full of noise and upset when you know it is going to cause this? 
....

Yes, but you assume that his grandparents accept the diagnosis. 

[artk2002]

I got the impression that the accusation of trying to "steal" the holidays came from the OPs suggestion that the holidays be held at her house to give her son a more comfortable environment.

[housewife2k]

I got the impression that the accusation of trying to "steal" the holidays came from the OPs suggestion that the holidays be held at her house to give her son a more comfortable environment.

I'ts a little of both-Last year we had christmas at our house, and my mom was kinda depressed about it, hence it being at her place again this year, however she conced that the christmas day evening festivities could be at our place from here on out. Both sets of grandparents were upset that we left, as in the past we would sit around after presents, nibble on sweets, drink coffee and whatnot, and catch up-retell favorite stories, generally shoot the breeze. Our leaving early didn't stop others from doing that, but apparently, our absence was too present.

[freakyfemme]

I got the impression that the accusation of trying to "steal" the holidays came from the OPs suggestion that the holidays be held at her house to give her son a more comfortable environment.

I'ts a little of both-Last year we had christmas at our house, and my mom was kinda depressed about it, hence it being at her place again this year, however she conced that the christmas day evening festivities could be at our place from here on out. Both sets of grandparents were upset that we left, as in the past we would sit around after presents, nibble on sweets, drink coffee and whatnot, and catch up-retell favorite stories, generally shoot the breeze. Our leaving early didn't stop others from doing that, but apparently, our absence was too present.

But, if you had Christmas at your house, Middle Son could go to his room to rest or play with his new toys after opening presents, so the adults could still catch up, and his needs will be met.......so, everyone's happy, right?

[housewife2k]

But, if you had Christmas at your house, Middle Son could go to his room to rest or play with his new toys after opening presents, so the adults could still catch up, and his needs will be met.......so, everyone's happy, right?

That was the theory, and why we hosted last year. Last year, he was only a little over one, so we were still uncertain as to anything being not right with him, and I was pregnant, with bad morning sickness that lasted the entire pregnancy, so our house made sense. We argued for it this year, being we have three kids, but lost out. We told everyone before hand, that as soon as it got to be too much, we wer leaving, and that's what we did. We did not spring this on anyone.  Some family members are saying it will be 'too much work for me' if we host it all, x-mas eve and x-mas day, and I am now in the process of explaining that I would rather have to deal with housework and cleaning than a melting down child and what will be a 20 month old on top of it at someone elses house. Housework is finite, meltdowns can last for a long time, and take even longer to recover from. It is well over a week since christmas, and he is just now comfortable in his own skin again.

[behindbj]

Housewife2k,

First - you did nothing wrong.

Second - As a person who does not care for kids (and I hope that I do not have to explain to the folks remaining on this board that I do not HATE them, I just don't care for them...but anyway), but loves many, I appreciate ANY parent who knows what their kids' limits are and knows that they cannot generally be expected to suck things up like adults.  Kids are DIFFERENT and have different needs than adults.  Although I could be persuaded to partake in nap time again, if allowed...

If my godchildren are tired and cranky when we are out and about, home we go - even though I might have wanted to stay longer (and even if they wanted to stay longer). 

I think that it's awful that your family doesn't understand.  Unfortunately, they won't understand until they choose to.  They are seeing things only in terms of themselves and how the issues you deal with every day are interloping into THEIR wants.  That's their problem.  While I am not a big fan of "the chiiiiillldren come first" - in this case he does.  Because he has to and you are being more than reasonable.   

Of course, the change in plans you propose would really be no skin off my nose (and I judge many things by the "skin off my nose" test).

Therefore, I automatically place the problem squarely on them.  Do what's best and if people don't understand, then you can't help them.

behindbj

[housewife2k]

behindbj-I can always count on you for a sound response. Thank you...by the way...How are you?