Author Topic: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?  (Read 3255 times)

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sadiemae

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Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« on: August 22, 2011, 06:16:49 PM »
So, I have a history of breakups that end horribly with my humiliation. Its pretty much super awesome in that self-deprecating "I've got your story beat" kind of way.

The major problem with this, or, today's major problem with this, is that it leaves me completely separating myself from any contact with my former partner. Since I consider myself an adult who is kind and friendly, this really bothers me. I hate hate hate that I have no contact with partners that I loved for a number of years. I think that breakups happen more often than not and we should be able to be adults about it and at least have casual contact, such as facebook friendships or being able to be in the same room at a party together. I don't expect or want to be best friends with exes, but I think civility should be an option. As relationships end, I behave in a manner that makes this possible. Every decision I make during a break up is in regards to having a civil relationship after the fact.

Unfortunately, the fates disagree with my goals.

So here is the current situation: Steve and I broke up 6 years ago after living together for 4. Our relationship was moving towards the breakup anyway, but he sealed the deal when he cheated on my very publicly with a girl who looked a lot like me in both physical appearance and dress and shared my name, but was five years younger. He had been hiding the relationship for a number of months before I realized what was going on, meaning they celebrated their 1 year anniversary (again, very publicly) when we had been broken up for about six months. This caused a huge rift in friendships and I stepped away from the drama, basically disappearing from the view of anyone who was less than a very very close friend of mine. I also ended a number of friendships- the idea that people I considered close to me, who ate meals that I prepared for them, who spent nights at my house, did not tell me about the situation was too much for me to bear and I refused to create drama, so I dropped the hot potato.

I, naively at the time, thought Steve and I could still be friends. He used that opportunity to milk me for quite a bit of money until I put a stop to it and sent him an email stating that I realized what he was doing and that he should not contact me anymore. He responded with a vicious email (of course), but I did not respond.

I have had no contact with Steve since that last email he sent me, 6 years, actually, closer to 7 years ago. We do still share a couple mutual friends.

Last week I had lunch with one of those friends. She let me know that Steve had hit a really rough patch- he had been very ill and in and out of the hospital a lot recently and had been vague-booking about it. She wasn't sure what was going on, but according to other friends that she had spoken to about it, it was a major problem. For the record, this friend does not usually discuss or bring up Steve. I don't like to gossip about my exes, and she knows this, so her bringing him up at all made me think it must be rather serious.

If this had happened to anyone else I knew, even if I hadn't had contact with them in many years, I would have sent them a facebook message or a text saying that I was sorry to hear that they had been having trouble, they were in my thoughts and that if there was anything I could do to not hesitate to ask.

So right now I am very conflicted and could use some guidance from ehellions on this one.

Part of me says,"Hey, be an adult. You would do this for anyone else, just send the same message to Steve that you would to anyone you knew who was going through a similar situation."

Then another part of me says "By not saying anything you are still holding a grudge and withholding kindness, which is rude and cruel."

Then another part says, "Are you kidding? This guy was horrible and ended your relationship in a very cruel and disrespectful manner. The result of his actions is that you ended contact. Don't feel guilty, he doesn't deserve to ever speak to you again under any circumstances."

I don't know- just typing it all seems to have helped me lean in one of the two directions. It's just one of those things I would never ever discuss with people who knew us both because I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable.

So thoughts, opinions, abdication of my guilt, smacks upside the head? All are welcome while I over-analyze this.

567Kate

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2011, 06:21:20 PM »

Then another part says, "Are you kidding? This guy was horrible and ended your relationship in a very cruel and disrespectful manner. The result of his actions is that you ended contact. Don't feel guilty, he doesn't deserve to ever speak to you again under any circumstances."


I agree with this part. I really don't see anything good likely to come out of contacting him. If he needs help, I'm sure he can get it from others.

Daffydilly

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2011, 06:25:29 PM »
History with him: can of worms.

Decision: do not open the can of worms.

Guilt tripping self: you are a better person without him and don't open the can of worms.

Judah

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2011, 06:26:52 PM »
I think you need to stop trying to remain friends with people who don't treat you as a friend.  It's very possible to stay friends with an ex, if both people are respectful and behave as a friend.  Your ex was neither. Knowing he's been having a tough time is not a reason to contact someone who has demonstrated that he doesn't want to be friends with you. Leave it be.
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Larrabee

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2011, 06:27:04 PM »
Just because you once loved someone doesn't mean you can't cut them out.  People have cut parents, siblings, best friends, even children because they crossed a line they couldn't forgive them for.

I'm only in vague facebook contact with one ex, the rest I have no communication with at all and I love it that way.  None of those relationships started out as friendships, and we certainly weren't treating each other like friends do when they ended, so why pretend?

That's my take anyway.  You can keep the memories of when it was good, all the lessons you learned and everything you experienced during the years you were together without prolonging contact when it does neither of you any good.


MerryCat

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2011, 06:28:08 PM »
I don't see any point in contacting him either. Think of it this way - when he gets your message the chances are his mind is going to back to the way things ended between you. No doubt in his mind he's explained it away so that you're the bad guy. So chances are, instead of being happy to hear from you, he's going to be thinking "what does she want from me now after she insulted me?" or "I bet that (w)itch is just trying to gloat." So really, it doesn't make him feel better and does nothing for you either.

ccnumber4

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2011, 06:31:28 PM »
I agree with MerryCat.  He has enough to deal with and this probably wouldn't help either of you.

sadiemae

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2011, 06:35:49 PM »
Thank you so much! You are all totally right and it made me feel so much better to read your thoughts on it.

Seriously, reading your responses just made the guilt I was feeling over not contacting him lift away.

I really appreciate your thoughts on it. I can't thank you enough.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2011, 11:16:10 PM »
I think you've made the right decision in not contacting him. It definitely is NOT rude or cruel of you to do this.


PaddedPaws

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2011, 11:22:54 PM »
Quote
If this had happened to anyone else I knew, even if I hadn't had contact with them in many years, I would have sent them a facebook message or a text saying that I was sorry to hear that they had been having trouble, they were in my thoughts and that if there was anything I could do to not hesitate to ask.

The bolded part should especially not be sent. I don't think it makes a difference if you just send him a "hope you get better" message as you would for any acquaintance. But why offer him help? If he actually takes you up on it, you'll have to interact with him more and get sucked back into a drama whirl pool. You said he got money out of you before, right? Don't you think he would take another opportunity to take advantage of you? Don't offer the drama llama a carrot.


Petticoats

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #10 on: August 23, 2011, 09:23:43 AM »
Definitely don't feel guilty about not contacting him, Sadiemae. He sounds poisonous, and to "touch" him (contact him) puts you at risk of being poisoned, as it were. He is not part of your life now, due to his own actions, and your life is much better without him in it. Also, (((hugs))) for all that that <redacted> put you through.

Winterlight

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #11 on: August 23, 2011, 09:25:27 AM »
Actions have consequences, and the consequences of his actions are that you don't want to be around him. Do not contact him- if he's having a rough time, that's too bad but it's not your problem. Do not make it your problem!
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To whom you speak,
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And how, and when, and where.
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pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #12 on: August 23, 2011, 03:39:54 PM »
I think you need to stop trying to remain friends with people who don't treat you as a friend.  It's very possible to stay friends with an ex, if both people are respectful and behave as a friend.  Your ex was neither. Knowing he's been having a tough time is not a reason to contact someone who has demonstrated that he doesn't want to be friends with you. Leave it be.
Yes.

Also, is it possible that he is in the position he is because of how he treats people?  Burned a few too many bridges, hurt people, poisoned relationships, betrayed others.  How will he ever learn to be a responsible ethical person if someone is always there to tide him over?
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Raintree

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #13 on: August 23, 2011, 04:04:10 PM »
Chiming in to agree with everyone else. You owe him nothing. He was a jerk to you. If he needs moral support now, let the current people in his life offer it. That is, if he's earned anyone's respect at all by now.

Ruelz

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Re: Oh Ehellions, save me now; do I wish him well or no?
« Reply #14 on: August 23, 2011, 04:06:13 PM »
Leave that door closed.
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