Can't take the hint

[Reader]

This isn't a question, but something that happened to me last night.  After seeing a band with a friend I decided it was still to early to head home and stopped at a dance club.  It was college night, so there was no charge at least for ladies, so it was crowded.  Went and danced on the floor for about a hour.  Several times I was approached and asked to dance, which I politely declined by saying no thank you.  But there was one guy that was either intoxicated or plain clueless.  After asking me to dance twice and being told no politely as much as one can over loud music, I thought I was done with him.   I couldn't have been more wrong.  I ended up leaving before the club closed and was walking to my car which was parked behind the club.  I ended up passing 2 girls on my way to the car and thought I was alone on the sidewalk after that.  That is until I got to the corner of the building and felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  I whip around and who do I see but clueless who had already been turned down twice before following me to my car less than 5 feet behind me.  Don't know if he ran to catch up with me which was frightening because I didn't hear him come up behind me and I am normally very aware of my surroundings when walking alone, and that's how I know he wasn't behind me when I exited the club.  This is the point were I lost all sense of politeness because he had startled me and I could see no one else around to seek help from.  I told him it was not appreciated that he had followed me, while backing away and placing my finger on my key fob which has a panic button just in case.  To which he replied "I just wanted to talk to you".  I told him no, hurried to my car got in and locked the doors.  He just stood on the corner looking confused and then whipped out his cell phone as I drove away.  I was just so floored that after being told no twice before he thought it would be acceptable to do this.  I've never had a problem at this club before or with parking where I was, but this was enough to keep me from going back any time soon.

[Teenyweeny]

Wow. I would be so shaken up after that, I'm glad you're ok. Where do people get the idea that they can behave that way?

Even if his intentions weren't sinister (which I doubt), you'd turned him down flat, and he was RUDE to not take you at your word. I hate the "'NO' means try harder" culture that we live in.

[Winterlight]

Glad you're OK.

I'd have gone back and grabbed a bouncer, if possible. They tend to want to know if something hinky is going on- he might have been harmless, but I'd rather be over-cautious than under.

[hyzenthlay]

Some guys simply do not understand that women at a club are not always 'on the pull.'

On another forum a long time back, one guy who we were trying to gently break out of his shell bemoaned the fact the he'd go to clubs and ask women to dance and they would say no. Well why were they there is they didn't want to dance! It was so unfair to him!

After many similar self centered gripes most everyone gave up on him, and he was eventually banned for excessive whining.

[Reason]

Actually I think you were very lucky. He could have easily been an opportunistic predator who followed you looking for a chance to present itself. Had you walked home or down some dark street alone, who knows what could have happened.

The line "I just wanted to talk to you" seems to be more of a legal defense in the event he got caught, than a pick up attempt.

Probably best not to go to your car alone in any case. Especially after dark, dressed in clubbing clothes.

[Hillia]

Is it possible he was using his cell phone to take a picture of your car/license plates?  It might be worth a trip back to the club to talk to the manager/bouncer, just to give them a heads up in case there's any other problems with this guy.

[Teenyweeny]

Probably best not to go to your car alone in any case. Especially after dark, dressed in clubbing clothes.

I *really* take issue with the bolded. Yes, not being somewhere alone after dark is smart, but the way in which a woman is dressed has *no* effect on her chances of being assaulted. Rapists rape. The victim's fashion choices are usually the last thing on the rapist's mind.

[Auntie Mame]

Probably best not to go to your car alone in any case. Especially after dark, dressed in clubbing clothes.

I *really* take issue with the bolded. Yes, not being somewhere alone after dark is smart, but the way in which a woman is dressed has *no* effect on her chances of being assaulted. Rapists rape. The victim's fashion choices are usually the last thing on the rapist's mind.

I agree Teeny.  Clothing has nothing to do with whether or not a woman is assaulted, how many more studies need to be done on this?  When will people stop blaming the victim?  That attitude is so old and tired it just gives me a headache.

Back to Mr. can't take a hint.  Decline politely, ONCE.  If he persists, release the inner Valkyrie.  You are in no way obligated to be polite to some shmuck who won't leave you alone.

[Reader]

OP here:  I don't think his intentions were sinister just clueless mixed with intoxication, otherwise I would have gone back for a bouncer.  I chalk it up to being probably on the young side, since it was college night and the age range is normally 21-25 at this club, and I'm 34.  (I was there just to dance and you can't beat a free night of being able to dance in my world) Dude was about my size in height which is on the small size with me being only 5' 6" so he wasn't physically intimidating, and he backed down instantly from being in my personal space from following me when he was met with my icy stare of death and dressing down for his behavior.  The sidewalk was very well lit in help with another business's awning still lit up on the corner or I wouldn't have parked where I did plus with the set of lungs I have on me (lots of practice yelling at sports) I would have had probably 10-15 people respond had I needed to scream "Fire" that were out in front of the club smoking.  I wasn't dressed in traditional clubbing clothes either, I was wearing a short sleeve t-shirt and a long skirt to my ankles, much more conservative than what I saw on some other girls and either way shouldn't have mattered.  As for getting a pic of my plate it wasn't possible.  He was facing away from my car as I backed out of the angled spot I was in and I took the road away from him while keeping an eye on him in my rearview mirror.  I know its in the girl's handbook to not walk alone at night or to your car for safety reasons, but because I don't always have a friend available to go out with me, I've learned some extra tips for instances when I do.  Like yelling Fire instead of help because people will respond better.  Splay all your keys between your fingers as a defensive measure, and park in well lit areas.  In all my years since I started going out when I was 21 this is the first instant I have had this happen.  The thing that really bothered me was the fact that he startled me more than anything.  I have a very high startle relflex that is so bad that it has become a running joke for me and people who know me. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

I agree Teeny.  Clothing has nothing to do with whether or not a woman is assaulted, how many more studies need to be done on this?  When will people stop blaming the victim?  That attitude is so old and tired it just gives me a headache.

Of course it does.  Predators look for people that are easy targets. Clothing, stance, and demeanor all have to do with that.

[hyzenthlay]

Splay all your keys between your fingers as a defensive measure, and park in well lit areas. 
[quote/]

DO NOT DO THIS!

If you ever do need to hit someone you will tear up your own hand and do them no harm at all, plus it means you have to fumble with your keys when you reach your destination.

Hold your car or house key as you hold it to use it. Should you need to hit, jab straight then turn like you would in a lock. But you are probably better off throwing them as a distraction and running like heck.

[Redneck Gravy]

I agree Teeny.  Clothing has nothing to do with whether or not a woman is assaulted, how many more studies need to be done on this?  When will people stop blaming the victim?  That attitude is so old and tired it just gives me a headache.

Of course it does.  Predators look for people that are easy targets. Clothing, stance, and demeanor all have to do with that.

JUMPING IN WITH BOTH FEET HERE...Clothing CAN have something to do with it and that has been proven also. 

You can't run in high heels or long skirts.  Athletic clothing sometimes deters an attacker, thinking that you might be stronger/faster, etc.

Clubbing clothes often indicate that you might have been drinking and your  judgement and reflexes are not sharp.

There are preferences for many predators - maybe only blonde women or brunettes and clothing has frequently been a proven preference also.   Also, women with long hair are frequently attacked just because it gives the attacker a "handle". 

So while the bolded post may have been offensive, it is not completely inaccurate. 

[sadiemae]

Was just about to post but Redneck Gravy beat me to it.

[Teenyweeny]

I agree Teeny.  Clothing has nothing to do with whether or not a woman is assaulted, how many more studies need to be done on this?  When will people stop blaming the victim?  That attitude is so old and tired it just gives me a headache.

Of course it does.  Predators look for people that are easy targets. Clothing, stance, and demeanor all have to do with that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes *some* (there are many different types) predators look for easy targets. But in this case, 'easy target' means someone who looks like they are not aware of their surroundings, or who looks timid, or lost, or weak.

It has *zero* to do with whether the victim is wearing a short skirt, a bikini top and platform heels; or jeans and a hoodie; or a burqa.


ETA: The 'long hair as handle' thing is also a myth. I encourage you to find out about the Groth typology of rapists, and also to check out some facts at http://www.rainn.org/

[nyarlathotep]

I agree Teeny.  Clothing has nothing to do with whether or not a woman is assaulted, how many more studies need to be done on this?  When will people stop blaming the victim?  That attitude is so old and tired it just gives me a headache.

Of course it does.  Predators look for people that are easy targets. Clothing, stance, and demeanor all have to do with that.

That's a vast and damaging generalisation. In the uk, on average 97% of callers to rape crisis lines know their assailant. There is only one thing that makes a woman a target for rape, and that's proximity to a rapist.