Author Topic: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers  (Read 13887 times)

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auntiem

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Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« on: August 28, 2011, 06:33:32 PM »
My SO and I were watching an ad and after someone said "but then you don't have the satisfaction of turning down the page" I said "who does that to a book?!" My SO admitted that he actually checked how I treated my books when we first started dating (I treat them "correctly" apparently). This made me realize that while there are some things I consider dealbreakers there are many more things people observe when first dating that slowly start to add up in the plus or minus categories that end up being the determining factors in the length of relationship.

I would be interested to hear what little behaviors / traits helped put your SO firmly in the plus column. The mental "gold star" if you will.

One of my SO's is that his house was clean the first time I was invited over (and every time after that too). Not in that "oh, my gosh this place is a wreck I've got to clean before she gets here" kind of clean, but in a "my house is already clean, but I'll run the vacuum" kind of clean. I've dated slobs before so being one wouldn't have been a dealbreaker, but the fact that he took pride in his house and keeping it clean was a check mark in the plus category.

SamiHami

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2011, 06:46:58 PM »
I really liked that he came from a family with very similar values to my own.

And he really won me over when one evening we were at a bar with friends hanging around out back by the bonfire. Someone brought a dog (a BIG dog) with them. We heard a commotion and realized that the dog had somehow gotten ahold of a kitten! With no thought for his own safety, DH (BF at the time) grabbed the dog and using his bare hands, pried the dog's mouth open and freed the kitten. Of course, then he didn't know what to do--if he let go, the now-angry dog would surely attack him! Luckily a couple of other guys helped him out. Gotta love a man like that!

As for the kitten, he took off so fast he was nothing but a blur.  We searched, but couldn't find him. I choose to believe that he was pefectly fine and ran home to treats and snuggles.

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Judah

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2011, 06:49:51 PM »
I really liked that he came from a family with very similar values to my own.

This and the fact that he was close to his family.  He enjoyed hanging out with them and was friends with his siblings.  His family has the same kind of dynamic mine does and that was important to me.
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Knitterly

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2011, 06:52:16 PM »
The way he treated other people.

Hubby is a door-opener.  He opens doors for other people, period.  Not just women or the elderly, but other people. 

Also, I once read the very good advice once that you can tell what sort of a person someone is by the way they treat the waitstaff. I think it's Miss Manners who said that someone who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.  Hubby has always been unwavering polite to the waitstaff, even when the service is abysmal!  On one of our first dates (actually, I believe it was a pre-date...I don't think we were formally dating yet), I caught a glimpse of the tip he'd left.  Let's just say it was very generous for just-average service.  I was not intended to see how much he tipped, and I never let on that I saw.  That little mark of generosity was a window into his character and placed him very firmly in the PLUS side.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2011, 06:57:41 PM »
He has a similar sense of humor to my own, including the all-important appreciation of Monty Python.   I'm serious, I don't know if I would have stayed long with someone who didn't understand what's so funny about "It's just a flesh wound!" and using empty halves of coconuts to sound like galloping horses. ;D

Also, when a mutual friend needed to get some things from the apartment of a verbally/emotionally abusive ex boyfriend, DH volunteered to go along with her, just in case she needed anyone to back her up if the guy tried anything, and to help her carry things out faster. 

His patience.  We've been together for 13 years, married for 11, and I can count on one hand the amount of times he's lost his temper. When I was in college I would go to him to help me understand things and he was very good at explaining things without getting impatient with me.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

PaintingPastelPrincess

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2011, 07:16:59 PM »
One of the first things was how thoughtful he is.  He'll hold doors, he remembers little things (although he can be forgetful, too; one day I'll figure out how he stores info), he'd bring me small things, like a dark chocolate Hershey's bar because he saw it when he stopped for gas.  That sort of thing.  And he listens.  My mom has been putting the family through eHell for the last year, and Chris has always been willing to lend a sympathetic ear, no matter how many times I've needed to go over the same detail to work it out in my head. 

He's also so good with my family.  He found out that my sister was failing math, insisted on helping her, and got her up to a solid B, without ever losing patience.  He deliberately wears his favorite football team's jersey when we see my dad, because he knows my dad LOVES teasing him about it.  He listens to all my grandpa's stories, even when it's one he's already heard.  When my grandma was sick, he found her the perfect get-well card, totally unprompted.

On top of all of that, he makes me laugh even when I just want to sulk.  It's never in a patronizing way, he just always knows what to say to snap me out of whatever problem I've been dwelling over.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2011, 07:31:59 PM »
You reminded me of a few more, PaintingPastelPrincess.

DH is a wonderful gift giver because he's really good at listening to what people say when they're talking about their interests.   The first Christmas he spent with my family he got my dad a travel case for a laptop and other things because he remembered me saying that my dad had to travel for work, he got my mom a set of nature sound CD's because he remembered that I said she was really into gardening and nature.   

And when my Granddaddy was alive we'd go visit and even though DH was in the Marines, Granddaddy would say "So, how's the Army treatin' ya?"  DH never bothered correcting him, just said "Oh just fine!"
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

virgo

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2011, 07:43:37 PM »
I really liked that he came from a family with very similar values to my own.

And he really won me over when one evening we were at a bar with friends hanging around out back by the bonfire. Someone brought a dog (a BIG dog) with them. We heard a commotion and realized that the dog had somehow gotten ahold of a kitten! With no thought for his own safety, DH (BF at the time) grabbed the dog and using his bare hands, pried the dog's mouth open and freed the kitten. Of course, then he didn't know what to do--if he let go, the now-angry dog would surely attack him! Luckily a couple of other guys helped him out. Gotta love a man like that!

As for the kitten, he took off so fast he was nothing but a blur.  We searched, but couldn't find him. I choose to believe that he was pefectly fine and ran home to treats and snuggles.

Definitely a Keeper!!!Love a man who would rescue a kitten! :)

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2011, 07:46:50 PM »
My SO is as much a cat person as I am.
Also, my SO is a roleplayer.  RPGs have been such a big part of my life, that I couldn't imagine being with someone who wasn't into them as well, or worse... someone who thought it was "nerd stuff".
Finally, SO appreciates a home cooked meal.  That's important to me, as I *love* to cook.
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amanda_tlg

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2011, 07:47:41 PM »
When my Dh quoted not just Firefly but then Farscape to me....I knew we were good to go!


weeblewobble

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2011, 07:49:19 PM »
Well, my parents wouldn't let us date at night until I was 16. (I was 14 and he was 16. It was a rule I agreed to before I met him.) We had to go to matinee movies or hang at each other's houses during the day for TWO YEARS. I think they thought there was no way he would put agree and break up with me. But he did, cheerfully, and it really helped us get to know each other's families.  When I asked him why a normal, hormonal 16 year old boy would put up with that.  And he said he knew right away that I was worth it.


ETA: We've been married for 11 years, together for 18.
« Last Edit: August 28, 2011, 07:52:00 PM by weeblewobble »

TeamBhakta

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2011, 08:01:54 PM »
Bhaktaboy has always treated me like we're a team and a family, not just two people who happened to be dating each other. We make decisions together. That was a huge plus from the beginning. 

Plus he always brings me extra ketchup and hot sauce packets at lunch without me asking  ;D And he never buys a drink for himself at the gas station without buying one for me

Lisbeth

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2011, 08:07:27 PM »
My deal makers are politeness, caring, and respect.  Those manifest themselves in numbers of ways.
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hardia

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2011, 08:18:12 PM »
Shortly after we started dating my choir gave a concert, and he attended.  There was a reception afterwards, and I was chatting with him (no small feat, as my parents and sister were also in attendance, and it was early enough in our dating that I wasn't ready to tell them I was seeing someone!), and mentioned that I was very thirsty.  Someone else came up to speak to me, and next thing I knew he was putting a glass of water in my hand.  And I thought, hmmmm, he pays attention, he figures out what I need, and he does something about it.  It made me look at him a little more closely, and as we continued to date I saw the pattern of thoughtfulness and caring repeated over and over.

And right now he's in the kitchen making me a cup of tea.  ;)

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Aggiesque

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #14 on: August 28, 2011, 08:22:05 PM »
-His parents were not divorced
-he had siblings/liked kids
-was willing to tolerate my religion (actually, ended up converting!)
-I have more strictly defined gender roles than he does, which is nice, but also annoys me sometimes LOL.
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