Author Topic: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers  (Read 15250 times)

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hobish

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #45 on: August 30, 2011, 05:58:30 PM »

+ The big one in the beginning was similar views on monogamy, as in it is weird (To me! If it is good for you it is none of my concern!) and not something I want to pursue. Still is 10+ years later.
+ He is close to his family, but not too close – previous serious relationship was with an only child of a single mom who did not want to let him go … took me too long to realize he didn’t want to be let go. Never again.
+ LOL … and he is fine - and not in a yucky way - with me being bi (and will go to strip clubs with me)
+ He has made huge efforts to improve his English skills because he knows it is an obsession important to me.
+ Although it isn't something i share, i love that he gets really excited about politics and can argue/discuss them for hours.

hobish = used to work in strip clubs. It was actually pretty fun. I hate that people think you must have abuse or Daddy issues to do it. I’ve had friends comment that their girlfriend “has too much dignity” to ever do that. Really? I don’t see how it is less dignified than most minimum wage jobs and it pays A LOT better. I’ve said it before - I was able to pay my bills, go to school, tutor two ESL Math classes, AND be in the National Guard when I was dancing. Heck, I was even treated with more respect than my boss, co-workers, and quite a few customers than a few restaurant jobs I had.
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lilfox

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #46 on: August 31, 2011, 03:03:36 PM »
DH has many qualities that were selling points to me, but I guess the fundamental one was he didn't/doesn't play games.  No emotional with-holding, no mind games, none of that dramatic stuff.  If he said something, he meant it, and I didn't have to spend hours dissecting every conversation trying to figure out what he meant by <x> or whether he liked me or not.  "Sincere" is probably the best description I have.

He told me once that for him, he knew there'd be at least a second date when I told him that I wanted to be an astronaut and had actually applied.   :-*

Sirius

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #47 on: September 01, 2011, 08:27:25 PM »
Mr. Sirius first impressed me by being extremely polite.  He's always been polite to everyone, and not just because of who they are or who they might be; he just does it.  He's also very close to his family.  He's always been nothing but respectful toward my dad, even when he had to tell my dad that he didn't like the way Dad was treating me and to stop it (another plus.)

He also likes the fact that I'm intelligent.  I've dated men who couldn't handle that I had an IQ above room temperature (and probably above theirs.)

LadyR

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #48 on: September 02, 2011, 06:56:18 PM »
On the day of our second date, DH's sister's car broke down and his BIL had to drop the kids off with us instead and I got to watch how DH cared for his little nieces (1 and 2 1/2 at the time) and how good he was with them and that won him major points in my book. I remember thinking "I could have children with this man".


Celany

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #49 on: September 02, 2011, 07:13:52 PM »
* Has never been to and has never wanted to go to strip clubs. (He says that seeing women act out their childhood abuse issues is not s*xy to him.)

I also like that my DH does not enjoy strip clubs.  However, thats a really broad, and offensive brush you're applying in regards to strippers.
ITA. Even if that's his personal opinion, it was worded quite offensively.
I agree.  Not sure why he thinks that all strippers have childhood abuse issues.  That is a pretty judgmental statement to make.
Good, I'm not the only one was offended by that statement.  It's an interesting assumption and highly judgemental.

Speaking as someone who has been a go-go dancer and worked for the Owl restaurant (and met some full strippers & topless dancers at both places), I'd have to say that lots of us do it because it's a way to make a lot of money to help pay for college & has nothing to do with childhood issues. Though there are some that have childhood issues and getting to know them through working with them is just...sad.

Reading everybody else's thoughts on dealmakers has been really great for me. I've had a lot of "oh yeah, I didn't think of that, but it's *really* important to me too!" moments.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

afbluebelle

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #50 on: September 02, 2011, 08:18:00 PM »

+ The big one in the beginning was similar views on monogamy, as in it is weird (To me! If it is good for you it is none of my concern!) and not something I want to pursue. Still is 10+ years later.
+ He is close to his family, but not too close – previous serious relationship was with an only child of a single mom who did not want to let him go … took me too long to realize he didn’t want to be let go. Never again.
+ LOL … and he is fine - and not in a yucky way - with me being bi (and will go to strip clubs with me)
+ He has made huge efforts to improve his English skills because he knows it is an obsession important to me.
+ Although it isn't something i share, i love that he gets really excited about politics and can argue/discuss them for hours.

hobish = used to work in strip clubs. It was actually pretty fun. I hate that people think you must have abuse or Daddy issues to do it. I’ve had friends comment that their girlfriend “has too much dignity” to ever do that. Really? I don’t see how it is less dignified than most minimum wage jobs and it pays A LOT better. I’ve said it before - I was able to pay my bills, go to school, tutor two ESL Math classes, AND be in the National Guard when I was dancing. Heck, I was even treated with more respect than my boss, co-workers, and quite a few customers than a few restaurant jobs I had.

At least at your job the customer gets punished if they grope you... most of my job experiences it was expected, tolerated, and if you complained you got canned.
My inner (r-word) is having a field day with this one.
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TOLady

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #51 on: September 07, 2011, 11:48:59 AM »
For me, a big thing was that my beau owns books.  I've dated guys who don't and it never works out.

Definitely this!

I actually had met my DH and went out on one date (we were definitely at different places in our lives) and it didn't work out.

I ended up seeing/living together with someone for a few years who didn't read (and didn't treat me very well). We all lived in the same area so I kept seeing future DH in the area reading on park benches, coffee shops, everywhere! I just kinda kept him in the back of my mind as a very interesting individual.

After I broke up, I bumped into FDH at our local pub and we started talking again. After the 5 years apart, this time we were definitely on the same page! ;)

When he moved in, he had more books than I did - and that is definitely saying a lot!

Together almost 20 years - married for 6!

And he still holds doors, treats his parents with respect, calls them at least twice a week, tips well, does dishes, cooks and let's me be myself!

One other thing - he can still surpise me! I didn't find out until about 5 years ago that he is extremely proficient with chopsticks - who knew?

Lynn2000

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #52 on: September 07, 2011, 12:15:20 PM »
Great thread! Before I read the rest I wanted to contribute something...

This is largely hypothetical... I'm interested in a wide variety of subjects--linguistics, genetics, royal history, astronomy, religion, marine biology, etc.--and I read books, watch DVDs, visit museums, etc. to pursue them. I think it would be important to be with someone who also liked a wide variety of subjects, even if they didn't overlap completely with mine. A friend of mine, who also likes lots of different things, married someone who seems to have literally two interests and that's all; they seem to have worked it out, so I wouldn't necessarily call it a dealbreaker, but it would definitely be a good sign if he was curious about many different subjects.
~Lynn2000

Eeep!

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #53 on: September 07, 2011, 01:35:53 PM »
He was a long-haired skinny rocker boy!   8)

OK, on a less superficial note - my DH is an amazingly caring man.  When we were first dating I was a freshman in college and worked at a lazer tag place.  I would often get off work after 1:00 in the morning.  Most days, Jon would come when I got off work and follow me home (about 20 minutes away) to make sure I made it home safely. :)

Now 18 years later, even though he no longer has long hair (and maybe isn't quite "skinny") he still makes me feel cherished. <3

He also has always been a great listener. And he makes me laugh!
And now, seeing him with our 2-year old son has made me fall in love with him in a whole ney way.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Fireflyjunki

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #54 on: September 11, 2011, 07:29:16 PM »
9 months after I started dating my now husband my brother was murdered.  He stood by me and quietly supported me through the worst 2 years of my life.  He went to the court hearings with me and made sure he always checked in when he said he would because I would panic if people were not where they said they would be.  It would have been so easy for him to say "this is not what I signed up for" but he was there there for me and 16 years later we are still together.

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #55 on: September 11, 2011, 07:44:11 PM »
The serious dealmaker was when I was in an internet relationship with M, my SO.  We had been communicating primarily by computer, with a little bit of long distance here and there (this was back when cell phones were an expensive novelty and there was no such thing as Unlimited Long Distance.  Yes, such a day existed, and it was a dark time.)  When M found out that my computer had died, it was into the M-Mobile!  M drove a thousand miles and spent a week with me, helping me get a new system up and running, because M didn't want us to be out of contact like that.  That impressed me.
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EduardosGirl

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #56 on: September 12, 2011, 07:22:28 AM »
He wrote me surreal erotica, featuring Stephen Hawking and one of his graduate students, called 'Chair of Love'.

He also bought me a large feathered fan for Christmas, so I could pretend to be a war era dancer with the pretence of modesty.

These are not huge things, but he so completely gets me and it's hard to explain that. So... surreal erotica and feathered fans.

QueenofAllThings

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #57 on: September 12, 2011, 09:39:18 AM »
On the day we met, he wanted to know all about me. Didn't talk about himself at all, which was a refreshing change.

The day I met his (very small) children, we took them to the Museum of Natural History and then to the Plaza for a 'cocktail'. Their table manners were awe-inspiring and the three year old quoted Monty Python. That pretty much sealed the deal - four great men for the price of one!

Allyson

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #58 on: September 12, 2011, 12:33:38 PM »
He can take criticism and debate *really* well. This is so important to me, because I'm not the sort of person who hides when I have an opinion on something, and if there's a relationship issue, I want to be able to solve it without defensiveness.

He's a couple of degrees more affectionate than me, which is just enough to get past my reticence about those things, but not enough to make me feel smothered.

I can't hide a mood from him. There are times I've figured that I don't want to put it on him that I'm upset/angry, because it's not his fault or there's nothing that can change it. He always somehow knows, and gets me to tell him what's wrong without making me feel worse. And when I do talk to him about it, I have never regretted opening up. He can handle emotions without needing to get snarky or run away.

He *doesn't* make comments about how 'it's OK if I kiss other girls' or about how much he wants a threeway. Weird dealmaker I know, but as a bi person, I've found way way too many guys have these views. If I am going to be monogamous, I want to be unqualified, not 'as long as it's with someone who doesn't threaten me and where I find it sexy'.

I remember the moment I realised I wanted to keep him. I had an awful day at work--almost to the point of tears, and I never cry. It was 10:30 at night when I finally got off shift, and I send him a text saying that I'd had a really nasty day at work, but was finally off. We text all the time. Right away after the text, he called me, and said he could tell I really needed to talk. I think my heart did a little flip. ;)

Moray

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Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
« Reply #59 on: September 12, 2011, 03:51:04 PM »
My dealmakers:

Polite to waitstaff, clerks, etc.
Respectful to others, especially children and the elderly.
Loving, if not close, rel@tionship to family.
Must have similar views with regards to children (nice to borrow, don't want any) and pets (nice to have, don't want to borrow)
Must have similar views on marriage. (I don't want to get married. Mutual devotion is all I want.)
My cat must approve. She's never steered me wrong.
Bonus points if they're an animal or child magnet*

*My SO looks pretty gruff and scary. He's somewhere between a biker and an archetypal pirate, complete with bad teeth, Naval tattoos, single earring and a limp. (I'd say he needs a parrot, but he already trained our cat to perch on his shoulder and glower, so that's covered ;)) Bottom line, he looks mean. Kids LOVE him. Seriously. Somehow, they don't see any of the stuff on the outside and immediately know "This is a guy who will make T-Rex noises on command and teach us how to make bottle rockets! Tackle him!"
« Last Edit: September 12, 2011, 03:57:21 PM by VorpalBunny »
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