Author Topic: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP  (Read 7617 times)

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Spoder

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #30 on: August 31, 2011, 11:19:53 AM »
I don't sit around waiting, that would not be very nice, you are right. We are pursuing it, it is just going at a glacial pace. I guess my own insecurities are coming out. I think it is a good business contact but if my friend mentions she wants to pursue a romance I can tell her my feelings about him and let the chips fall where they may.

If someone does ask for a set up, I am happy to know it is fine to say no because of not wanting to be in the middle.If they meet on their own that is one thing... ;D

 Have you two even gone out on a single date together if not then you are not pursing a relationship together  you are just friend and if he has asked other girls out but he won't ask you out that meant that he probally isn't interested in you in the romance sense though you may be interested in him and stopping your friend from meeting him doesn't mean that he won't find someone else that he actual wants to date

^ This, pretty much.

OP, not asking you to kiss and tell or anything  ;), but...are you and this guy dating, or not?

McCutieBelle

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #31 on: August 31, 2011, 11:23:58 AM »
We have gone on dates. I don't know if he has asked other women out to be honest, he is very busy with work and travels a lot, but we get together when we can. So yes we are pursuing something..:)
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Enkidu

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #32 on: August 31, 2011, 11:28:22 AM »
I don't "play matchmaker." To me that intuits a deliberate attempt to pair two people up. However, that is not the situation you're describing.

I think that adults make their own choices. If he switches from glacial speed with you to in hot pursuit with your friend, then that tells you a lot about your compatibility with him. I think you deserve someone who fully appreciates you and your good qualities.

I understand the impulse. However, in my experience I've never regretted taking the high road. I say make the contact.

PeasNCues

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #33 on: August 31, 2011, 11:29:25 AM »
I don't understand... how is he single and looking if he's dating you?
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Petticoats

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #34 on: August 31, 2011, 11:32:48 AM »
We have gone on dates. I don't know if he has asked other women out to be honest, he is very busy with work and travels a lot, but we get together when we can. So yes we are pursuing something..:)

Ah. Well, then, if your friend mentions him in a romantic context, you can tell her you're seeing him. But I think you should probably talk to him and find out if you're exclusive or not, and if not, whether it's time to take that step. :)

Red1979

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #35 on: August 31, 2011, 11:47:57 AM »
There is a very simple gauge you can use to help yourself learn how to react in almost *every* single situation.

It is "How would I feel if this situation were reversed?"

How would you feel if you asked your friend for a professional contact--one that would be mutually beneficial to both the contact and yourself, and your "friend" decided that you *might* date each other and since she's so tired of being alone, she'd prefer not to play matchmaker and so you'd lose out on that professional opportunity?  Despite the fact that you never asked for a dating prospect, but rather a genuine job opportunity?

You'd be upset, ticked and most likely questioning the merit of a "friendship" that allows petty jealousies to get in the way of helping a friend. 

Either give your friend the professional contact or do her a favor and end the friendship.  She deserves actual friends who have her best interests at heart--not their own pettiness.
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Visiting Crazy Town

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #36 on: August 31, 2011, 11:50:41 AM »
We have gone on dates. I don't know if he has asked other women out to be honest, he is very busy with work and travels a lot, but we get together when we can. So yes we are pursuing something..:)

If you all are dating him the you wouldn't be worried about him hooking up with your friend if he meets her.  It sounds like nothing is clicking for you two, but you are hoping that if you are the only option it will become more than what it is , the truth is if he wanted to be in a relationship with you then he would be in one, it sounds like  from your post that  you would jump at the chance for the relationship but he doesn't want one,  he may have gone on a few dates with you but does not want to purse it further if he is looking for others to date 
« Last Edit: August 31, 2011, 12:04:59 PM by Shay »

Ondine

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #37 on: August 31, 2011, 12:06:18 PM »
I honestly don't see this as a matchmaking opportunity - to me, matchmaker means you go in with the intent of setting two people up. I don't see this happening here.

McCutieBelle, what kind of work industry are you involved in? If it is the same one as your model friend, from what I understand, it can be quite cutthroat, and finding a great photographer can be like finding a needle in a haystack sometimes.  If you want to date this guy, then you need to step up your game and tell him - going on coffee dates isn't exactly dating someone - I go to movies with male friends and out for coffee, but that doesn't make it a date.  If he doesn't want an actual relationship, then it can be about a billion different reasons why, and not because he doesn't like you.

I would also give my contact to my friend - if they date, then fantastic. Withholding information for my own gain? Really not cool.

vTenebrae

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #38 on: August 31, 2011, 12:16:25 PM »
I read this thread when it first opened and the story changes.

First your friend just wanted a business contact, because he's a photographer and she's a model.  Innocuous request, business related.

YOU expressed concern that since she's "his type" - that business contact would, somehow, turn romantic.  You said that she is single and looking... he is single and looking.  Your concern lead the rest of us to realise that you're interested in him, romantically - so you're reticence to give her the contact info, was because you feared a possible romantic opportunity for both of them and didn't want that to happen.

Everyone said you were being a bit selfish qnd to just give her the contact..

NOW all of a sudden the two of you are "dating" (A fact you'd never mentioned before, in fact your earlier posts seemed to indicate that there was nothing going on yet.. but you didn't want to accidentally "close that door" by introducing your girlfriend who is, as you said, 'his type") and you don't want to give her a business contact because....?  You think your male friend is such a dog that, even though he's dating you, he'd run off with your female friend AND that your female friend is so untrustworthy, she'd steal your man? 

It's not hard to give her the business contact and couch it with a jokey "Don't get any ideas about him, we're already dating" with a cheeky smile and a laugh.

I don't know, your story isn't adding up and it's frustrating to wade through.  Either you're dating this guy and he's a snake... or you're not dating and you want to keep the field open for yourself.  Either way, refusing to pass along a business contact to a friend is pretty immature to do, based on "what ifs.."

Quote
Either give your friend the professional contact or do her a favor and end the friendship.  She deserves actual friends who have her best interests at heart--not their own pettiness.
Exactly.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2011, 12:18:28 PM by vTenebrae »
 

Elfqueen13

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Re: Do you play Match Maker?
« Reply #39 on: August 31, 2011, 12:28:13 PM »
yeah...I know a lot of industry photographers that "date" their models.  They don't get into relationships with them.
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Peggy Gus

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Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
« Reply #40 on: August 31, 2011, 12:38:04 PM »
You completely edited your first post, you deleted the most important line that has led to a 3 page discussion.

 I think it is a little dirty to go back and change your post completely when people disagree with you.

Winterlight

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Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
« Reply #41 on: August 31, 2011, 12:48:57 PM »
I think if he meets her and decides she's the love of his life it's going to happen whether you provide the contact or not. Also, for all you know, they will meet and his visiting BFF will fall madly in love with her. Or they may all be wiped out by a meteor. Or they may hate each other on sight. Or...

"What-if's" will drive you crazy. I'd give her the contact.
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Miss Vertigo

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Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
« Reply #42 on: August 31, 2011, 01:30:43 PM »
OK.

Leaving aside the business detail:

If I asked a close friend - and it would have to be a close friend - for a guy's contact details and she stalled, I'd wonder why but probably not give it too much thought.

If she then came to me and said 'Look, I really like this guy and I'm trying to develop our friendship... would you mind not dating him?' then yes, if she was a good friend to me in other ways, I'd honour that and step aside if there was potential for the two of them.

However, if I found out the reason she'd withheld his contact details was because she was jealous, and she didn't have the decency to talk to me about it first and give me a chance to step aside, and that she thought so uncharitably of me that she assumed I'd dive in and 'steal' him, then all bets are off and hell yes I'd date him if I wanted to, because she's already shown how interested she is in the friendship, ie, not at all; she's only interested in herself and her needs/wants.

Add in the business detail and you have an even worse situation: a 'friend' who stands in the way of your career through jealousy and her own dissatisfaction at her own love life or lack thereof. That friendship would die a death, really quick.

This friend is obviously hypothetical, OP. But I suggest you think long and hard about what's the most important to you, and think about the fact that withholding may get you exactly what you don't want.

bah12

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Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
« Reply #43 on: August 31, 2011, 03:54:51 PM »
I've always disliked the idea that someone can lay claim to a person they aren't dating and tell their friends to stay away.

I know things get murky in friendships...especially close ones, where you (generic) know your friends have a crush and discuss the crush with her often enough to know that if he started dating someone else, especially a friend, it would be hurtful.

I would never actively pursue a guy that my friend likes, but at the same time, I would never tell my friends that she's not allowed to go out with a guy I like if his feelings aren't reciprocated.

I'm a little confused with the situation in the OP.  The OP likes the photographer so she doesn't want to give her model friend a business contact because she's assuming they will hook up.  I agree with everyone else that it's a huge leap and sort of petty.  Even if they do hook up, as much as it may hurt to not be the one he chooses, at least she'll know where she stands.

The fact that now they appear to be dating just makes the OP's actions more petty...because she's basically saying that neither of them are trustworthy and is deliberately trying to keep them from even knowing the other exists.

OP, you shouldn't have to make a guy like you.  If this photographer is dating you in good faith and truly likes you, then no matter how many beautiful models cross his path, he'll want to date you.  If you have to constantly work to keep single women away from guys you like, is it worth it?

jmarvellous

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Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
« Reply #44 on: August 31, 2011, 04:33:35 PM »
McCutieBelle, given the anxiety you seem to be displaying about your friends' and your romantic lives, perhaps it would serve you well to make a concerted effort to (A) not worry about finding an s/o so much, particularly in professional situations; (B) not concern yourself with who your friends or acquaintances are dating except in the way you might be concerned with the latest TV news; (C) learn to delineate professional and romantic relationships; and (D) take an 'innocent until proven guilty' approach to your friends, business contacts and fellow eHellions.

Preemptive worrying and too much concern about the hypothetical will just lead to more stress. (And don't I know it!)

If I've misread the situation here or in your other threads, I apologize, but the tone overall seems to be a great deal of anxiety about other people's problems or problems that haven't happened to you yet.