Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment

[sammycat]

I didn't want to hijack the thread "I Hope I Wasn't Rude to My Friend" but it brought back a memory from a friend's party a few years ago.  (In that situation I think the OP did the right thing BTW).

My friend "Beth" was throwing a party for her son's 6th or 7th birthday and about 12-15 kids were invited.  Most of us were from the same playgroup, but there were a few other friends and neighbours invited.  The mums' were all staying too as it was just as much a social gathering for us. I asked my friend Beth where her neighbour "Mary" and her 2 kids were as I knew they'd been invited.  Mary's 2 kids had apparently been a bit naughty during the week so as punishment she had grounded them all week, including missing out on this birthday party.

On one hand I thought good on Mary for having the guts to follow through with her punishment (they were lovely kids and very well behaved when I saw them - now I know why!).  On the other hand though, I thought it was unfair for the birthday boy to not have not one, but two, guests missing from his party.  I felt as though he was being punished too in a way.  Thankfully on the day he didn't seem to notice their absence due to the large number of children (and adults) present but what if it had been a smaller party with fewer children and/or no adults present?  As it was, "Beth" had to rejig a couple of the games at the last minute so that some children didn't end up with 2 prizes (eg. pass the parcel had a gift for each child so 2 layers had to be removed).

I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer to this scenario, but would you consider banning your child from attending a party as a punishment?  Wouldn't that mean the birthday child is also being punished?

[willow08]

I think we're creditnig the birthday for being too sensitive. Most kids won't notice that guests are missing once the party is in full swing. I say good for the mom for sticking with a difficult punishment. It's way better than threatening the kids with not being to go to the party and then folding because you don't want the embarassment of explaining to the hostess why they aren't going. I only hope she informed the hostess ahead of time.

[Suze]

lets see -- you were BAD enough to warrent punishment

So will you get to go to the FUN birthday party?

Not in the house I grew up in!

Parties are a privlige, not a given right.  Mom did the right thing keeping them home.

[kckgirl]

I say good for Mary. Children should suffer consequences for their improper behavior. If they know mom won't fold and let them do their fun things anyway, they're more apt to learn from their mistakes and practice self discipline. If the birthday boy was disappointed that his friends couldn't come to his party, it was his friends who disappointed him, not their mother.

I only hope she informed the hostess ahead of time.

It sounds like she did, because Beth told sammycat why Mary and the boys weren't there.

[FoxPaws]

what if it had been a smaller party with fewer children and/or no adults present?

In this situation, I think it would be unfair to the birthday child to use that particular punishment. I would hope that if naughty children's mom knew in advance that her kids comprised half the guest list, she'd choose another way to get her point across.

However, I have a lot of admiration for parents who stick to their guns when it comes to disciplining their kids.

[Lunadiana75]

Kids aren't made out of glass, and parents worry far too much about how little things will "tarumatize" their children.  1)  I highly doubt the birthday boy even remebers there were kids missing his party.  If he does, he won't care.  2)  Sounds like a good time to teach the birthday boy that you can't get everything you want in life, and disappointment is a part of it.

[momto3daughters]

As a mother of three I have and will continue to use grounding as a tool to correct bad behavior. The only thing that we have decided that will forgo a grounding is a basic once in a LIFE TIME trip/event.

Case in point my middle daughter was mouth and in major trouble at home, well that weekend was there girl scout trip to Canada (were in ohio) I knew this was a once in a lifetime thing. I told her she would be allowed to go, participate fully and have fun, but those extra two days were tacked onto her grounding when she got home.

A regular bday party does not count that condition in our home. I will apologize to the bday party family the gift if all ready bought will be sent but my children will not be going if grounded.

[Lunadiana75]

but what if it had been a smaller party with fewer children and/or no adults present?  

Then my Mom would have reminded me I was lucky to even have parties considering the number of kids who didn't even have homes, and that sometimes things inlife weren't fair.  Then she would have hugged me and found something else for us to do.  This is why, as an adult, I can deal with unfairness and disappointment with maturity and persepctive.

[ettacat]

I had to do the same thing with my son a few months ago. He decided to act up in school, to where I had to go get him and he was being a turkey at home too. So we decided he could not go to a friend's birthday party that weekend. I informed the mother and we sent a gift to the child anyway and I offered to pay for any extra supplies she had to get. She refused our offer, but I felt better for offering.

I am getting really tired of the mindset that kids are so fragile and if you even say "no" to them, they will just fall to pieces mentally, never to recover. I am tired of the ineffectual parenting and discipline where the kids rule the roost. I am tired of seeing kids act like crack monkeys in public places, and we are just supposed to suck it up and put up with it. (I am not referring to children with disabilities~I am the mother of a child with Autism and some days it is hard, although we are teaching him how to behave)

Perhaps missing a party or other fun thing will hit home with the child.

[Alida]

The only thing I question is... what if this were a party where the hosting family had to pay per child, in advance, based on the number coming?

I had that happen - a child was punished and could not attend DD's party.  While it wasn't a huge amount per child ($20, plus the cost of the goodie bag I'd put together), I still had to pay, as I wasn't told until the day of that Misbehaving Friend wasn't going to be there.

[Clara Bow]

I agree with the above posters that children will not burst into flames if punished. It's not right to give a child a special treat even though the child has been an ape...and as far as the birthday kid goes, I honestly don't remember who attended my childhood parties, so there you go. I think that if I had to restrict my child from going to an event where money was paid in advance I would offer to pay it back, but I would not allow my child to go.

[ZipTheWonder]

I'd send along a gift and pay for my child's portion of the party to the best of my ability if the behavior being disciplined warranted the loss of a privilege and this was something the child valued.

A lot of my parenting philosophy has been "Never give away for free what you can sell."  If it's important to him, it's on the table as a privilege he can earn....or lose.

[freakyfemme]

A lot of my parenting philosophy has been "Never give away for free what you can sell."  If it's important to him, it's on the table as a privilege he can earn....or lose.

Really?  Does that even extend to things like Christmas, and your son's own birthday?  I remember seeing an episode of "Malcolm in the Middle" where the boys misbehaved, and their mother decided to "hold Christmas hostage," and if the boys managed to behave until Christmas morning, there would *be* a Christmas morning, otherwise not.  What ended up happening was, there was a ton of tension in the house, and the boys cracked in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, and broke into the garage and took all their presents, and then the parents woke up, felt badly, and they had Christmas then.  But, all I'm saying is, I'd hate to grow up in an environment of constantly wondering, "Will I still get [insert positive thing here], or is that going to be contingent on whatever my mother decides?"  Actually, a lot of my childhood *was* like that, for example, sometimes, I'd be allowed to go to the park or a friend's house if my parents were in a good mood, but not if they weren't, and often, behaviour never even factored into the picture. 

[ZipTheWonder]

Yes, it extends to ANY privilege, including Christmas.  If his behavior were problematic enough to warrant taking away gifts, I would do it. It would make no sense whatsoever to take away stuff he doesn't value.  Living in my house isn't free for anyone, so you are probably far from being the only one who wouldn't want to grow up here.    Malcolm and his brothers would have been taking their midnight bounty to Toys For Tots.

This isn't, however, dependent on my mood, it's dependent on his behavior.  And he's totally aware of the deal.  If he wants have something, I say "What are you willing to do to earn it?"  If he misbehaves, I say "The next time x happens, you will be losing y."  And then I deliver on it.  And he knows I will. 

[ZipTheWonder]

As a mother of three I have and will continue to use grounding as a tool to correct bad behavior. The only thing that we have decided that will forgo a grounding is a basic once in a LIFE TIME trip/event.

We drove away from an expensive golf weekend at a nice resort one time when my son was younger.  It was prepaid, and we spent a LOT of money teaching him the lesson that you can't misbehave in a hotel.  I figured it was cheaper than bailing him out of jail later on or hiring a shrink to figure out why he felt entitled to stuff he didn't earn.  It was VERY VERY hard to do as a parent (hey, it was MY weekend away, too!), but there is no question in my mind that we did the right thing.  He LOVES to be taken to hotels and we use it as a reward a lot...and he's never done anything 'risky' again. 

Obviously, I feel very strongly about this, and I'm not sure it would work for every child.  But, child is a BIG deal-maker, and he totally gets/wants to use the principle of "Will Work For Food." (The truth is that meals are the only thing that really are free. )