Author Topic: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment  (Read 9257 times)

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Evil Duckie

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #15 on: December 30, 2006, 01:03:28 PM »
Good for the mom. She is teaching her children that actions have consequences.

My children have missed different things due to their (mis)actions. They all have learned that their behavior is important because if makes life so much more pleasant for everyone.

andi

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #16 on: December 30, 2006, 01:29:57 PM »
A lot of my parenting philosophy has been "Never give away for free what you can sell."  If it's important to him, it's on the table as a privilege he can earn....or lose.

Really?  Does that even extend to things like Christmas, and your son's own birthday?  I remember seeing an episode of "Malcolm in the Middle" where the boys misbehaved, and their mother decided to "hold Christmas hostage," and if the boys managed to behave until Christmas morning, there would *be* a Christmas morning, otherwise not.  What ended up happening was, there was a ton of tension in the house, and the boys cracked in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, and broke into the garage and took all their presents, and then the parents woke up, felt badly, and they had Christmas then.  But, all I'm saying is, I'd hate to grow up in an environment of constantly wondering, "Will I still get [insert positive thing here], or is that going to be contingent on whatever my mother decides?"  Actually, a lot of my childhood *was* like that, for example, sometimes, I'd be allowed to go to the park or a friend's house if my parents were in a good mood, but not if they weren't, and often, behaviour never even factored into the picture. 

Dependant on parent's "mood" = no.  That is NOT healthy.  Dependant on children's behavior and the KNOWN consequences of not living up to the standards = yes.

I had a co-worker who was having difficulties getting her kids (4 in school on baby) to do their chores, do their homework, behave in general.  In mid-october she told them "straighten up, do X, Y, and Z or there will be NO Christmas".  They were ok for a week or so then it started all over again. Again, she warned them around Thanksgiving "i'm not kidding - if you don't straighten up and do exactly what you're told and do X, Y, Z you will NOT have a Christmas".

They pushed her - didn't do it and the week before Christmas she took out all the gifts she'd bought, piled them and the kids in the car and TOOK EVERY SINGLE GIFT back to the stores.  And at each store, she calmly explained to the sale's person exactly why the items were being returned.

On Christmas morning only the baby (age 1) had gifts.  The 4 older children (junior high to highschool aged) had NOTHING.  Not only did they had to sit and watch their baby brother open gifts, they had to BE HAPPY for him.

Let me tell you - those kids got their act together, next year = perfect angles.
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Alida

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #17 on: December 30, 2006, 01:39:11 PM »
I'm not sure I agree with punishing others to make a point to a child.  Driving away from an expensive weekend?  Surely there must be some sort of alternate arrangements.  IMO, what some children will remember is that they have the power to control what their parents get to enjoy.

(yes, DD has lost things, but thankfully, she's a good kid and it's never gone beyond losing the computer for a few days)


freakyfemme

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #18 on: December 30, 2006, 02:12:05 PM »
Yes, it extends to ANY privilege, including Christmas.  If his behavior were problematic enough to warrant taking away gifts, I would do it. It would make no sense whatsoever to take away stuff he doesn't value.  Living in my house isn't free for anyone, so you are probably far from being the only one who wouldn't want to grow up here.  :)  Malcolm and his brothers would have been taking their midnight bounty to Toys For Tots.

This isn't, however, dependent on my mood, it's dependent on his behavior.  And he's totally aware of the deal.  If he wants have something, I say "What are you willing to do to earn it?"  If he misbehaves, I say "The next time x happens, you will be losing y."  And then I deliver on it.  And he knows I will. 

Well, it was sort of based on behaviour, but a lot of what determined "acceptable behaviour" was contingent on their moods.  For example, one day, it might be perfectly fine to, say, take a cookie from the cupboard, and the next day, that would be considered "stealing," and therefore, be punishable by loss of privileges, or I might be punished for screaming when my brother beat me up, because I should "go and get an adult instead," which was impossible if he was sitting on my back and pinning me to the floor.  I remember a lot of weekends spent confined to the house for reasons I don't remember, and didn't even fully understand at the time, and a lot of my brother's and my toys seemed to be perpetually confiscated, and stashed away up in the high closet in what was my parents' room (it's now the guest room, since we had the attic renovated into a bedroom and study for them--anyway, I bet if you looked in the high closet in there now, you'd find random pieces of Connect Four, Tinkertoys, and maybe an old CD player that belonged to one or other of us).  We still grew up to be reasonably nice people, and my parents became less strict once I got to high school and got involved in multiple extra-curricular activities that kept me away from home, and I guess they figured that if I could handle staying late into the evening after school to help set up for a dance with student council, go to band practice, go to the dance after band practice, and then help clean up, and still get up for school the next day (which I did many times), then I was responsible enough to be given more privileges.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2006, 02:16:56 PM by freakyfemme »

supernova

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #19 on: December 30, 2006, 02:19:56 PM »
IANAP (I am not a parent), but...

...I remember being really resentful of my "strict" parents as a child.  If I misbehaved, I got punished.  For example, I was warned twice that if I did X again I could never go to the park with my friend again; and I did X, and I never have been back to that park with that friend, even as an adult.

I was so "scared" of my parents as a teenager...  that I didn't sneak out at night, didn't hang out with the rough crowd of friends my folks disapproved of, didn't do drugs and didn't have sex until I was 18 and living away from home.  I kept my grades up and followed through with my responsibilities and kept my promises, due to fear of parental "retribution" until it became a habit.

Horrible parents, weren't they?  ;)  I think the world can use more parents that follow through.

     - saphie

Suze

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #20 on: December 30, 2006, 02:53:25 PM »
I was scared of my folks too.  They wouldn't let me run around at 3am like all the rest of my "friends"  I had to be in at a "decent hour"

and just try to get away with anything when everybody in a tri-state area knows your Dad. (and it doesn't really matter which state you start in)  That and we have had the same plate number on the car since 1944.   Sometimes They knew what "trouble" I got into before I ever made it home.

A girl just doesn't stand a chance.  With "Horrorable Rotten Parents" like that. 
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andi

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #21 on: December 30, 2006, 02:57:07 PM »
Yes, it extends to ANY privilege, including Christmas.  If his behavior were problematic enough to warrant taking away gifts, I would do it. It would make no sense whatsoever to take away stuff he doesn't value.  Living in my house isn't free for anyone, so you are probably far from being the only one who wouldn't want to grow up here.  :)  Malcolm and his brothers would have been taking their midnight bounty to Toys For Tots.

This isn't, however, dependent on my mood, it's dependent on his behavior.  And he's totally aware of the deal.  If he wants have something, I say "What are you willing to do to earn it?"  If he misbehaves, I say "The next time x happens, you will be losing y."  And then I deliver on it.  And he knows I will. 

Well, it was sort of based on behaviour, but a lot of what determined "acceptable behaviour" was contingent on their moods.  For example, one day, it might be perfectly fine to, say, take a cookie from the cupboard, and the next day, that would be considered "stealing," and therefore, be punishable by loss of privileges, or I might be punished for screaming when my brother beat me up, because I should "go and get an adult instead," which was impossible if he was sitting on my back and pinning me to the floor.  I remember a lot of weekends spent confined to the house for reasons I don't remember, and didn't even fully understand at the time

See, i believe consistancy is the key.  It always has to be the same doing X = Y every time.  Growing up that's how it was for me - yes was yes and no was no (except for a VERY few extenuating circumstances)  It never changed.

I think your parent's behavior was NOT consistant and i would have lived in constant fear as well.  It's not fair to make a child guess at what they're going to get punished for and what's "ok today but not tomorrow".  
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RJeeves

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #22 on: December 30, 2006, 04:55:13 PM »
As a mother of three I have and will continue to use grounding as a tool to correct bad behavior. The only thing that we have decided that will forgo a grounding is a basic once in a LIFE TIME trip/event.

We drove away from an expensive golf weekend at a nice resort one time when my son was younger.  It was prepaid, and we spent a LOT of money teaching him the lesson that you can't misbehave in a hotel.  I figured it was cheaper than bailing him out of jail later on or hiring a shrink to figure out why he felt entitled to stuff he didn't earn.  It was VERY VERY hard to do as a parent (hey, it was MY weekend away, too!), but there is no question in my mind that we did the right thing.  He LOVES to be taken to hotels and we use it as a reward a lot...and he's never done anything 'risky' again.  :)

Obviously, I feel very strongly about this, and I'm not sure it would work for every child.  But, child is a BIG deal-maker, and he totally gets/wants to use the principle of "Will Work For Food." (The truth is that meals are the only thing that really are free. :))

Bravo! I bet you get a lot of compliments on how well-behaved your kids are.

sammycat

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #23 on: December 30, 2006, 05:45:36 PM »
Wow, I logged on this morning and saw all these great answers.  :D   I'm in agreement with the people who think Mary did the right thing by following through with her kids' punishment, and also with the posters who state that the birthday boy wouldn't have known who was or wasn't at the party.  But I still think that in certain cases the birthday child is punished as well. As far as I recall, at this particular party the absence didn't seem to be noticed as the party was so big but in other situations where the guest list is only 3 or 4 children, to have 2 missing would be really unfair to the birthday child.

I know we can't be responsible for other people's happiness or feelings, so maybe this falls into a bit of a grey area.  But I suppose from a parents' perspective (general) you have to do the best you can for your own children in the long run (ie. grounding them from a party) and sometimes not worry about the impact it will have on other people.

The irony of all this is that the birthday boy is truly one of the most obnoxious children I have ever met.  If anyone needs more grounding it is him.   ::)

Suze

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #24 on: December 30, 2006, 06:47:13 PM »
But I still think that in certain cases the birthday child is punished as well. As far as I recall, at this particular party the absence didn't seem to be noticed as the party was so big but in other situations where the guest list is only 3 or 4 children, to have 2 missing would be really unfair to the birthday child.


Why do you believe that it is a "punishment" to the birthday child?  If the present is still delivered and if there is a money issue (rent a party type of thing) that the grounded child parents offer to make up for. 

The birthday child will get over it, after all HE still has his party.  His folks haven't told him that since so-and-so can't come your party is cancelled.

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ZipTheWonder

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #25 on: December 30, 2006, 07:09:16 PM »
I'm not sure I agree with punishing others to make a point to a child.  Driving away from an expensive weekend?  Surely there must be some sort of alternate arrangements. 

The only other people onthe trip were myself and my husband.    Yeah, we got punished along with him, but that's our job as parents.

There probably were LOTS of alternate arrangements, none of which would have had the impact this one did.

cass2591

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #26 on: December 30, 2006, 07:59:09 PM »
Quote
The only other people onthe trip were myself and my husband.    Yeah, we got punished along with him, but that's our job as parents.

I'm not a parent but I remember a friend of mine when she first realized that when she grounded her teenage kids she was essentially grounding herself, too. It was pretty funny because at first if her daughter was grounded my friend would still go out with her husband for dinner, etc, until it dawned on her that the daughter was likely not adhering to the restrictions when mom or dad wasn't around.
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Alida

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #27 on: December 30, 2006, 08:36:05 PM »
This will be the last thing I think I'll say on the subject, since I think I'm in the minority *chuckle*

I asked DD (she'll be 14 next month), what she would learn if we turned around and left a nice vacation because she was misbehaving.

"Well, first, I wouldn't misbehave.  But if I did and we all left?"  She thought a moment.  "That if I did something wrong, I'd make sure you guys couldn't do something fun."

At least I know I'm on her wavelength ;)

freakyfemme

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #28 on: December 30, 2006, 09:20:49 PM »
But I still think that in certain cases the birthday child is punished as well. As far as I recall, at this particular party the absence didn't seem to be noticed as the party was so big but in other situations where the guest list is only 3 or 4 children, to have 2 missing would be really unfair to the birthday child.


Why do you believe that it is a "punishment" to the birthday child?  If the present is still delivered and if there is a money issue (rent a party type of thing) that the grounded child parents offer to make up for. 

The birthday child will get over it, after all HE still has his party.  His folks haven't told him that since so-and-so can't come your party is cancelled.

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Suze

Well, when I was a kid, I was always disappointed if one of my friends couldn't come to my birthday party, or whatever kind of party, I remember having the odd party for Valentine's Day and other things too, where gifts weren't even an issue.  Even at my birthday parties, gifts were never a focal point, and they were always opened right at the end of the party, after cake and ice cream, and then it was just "free play" time until everyone's parents showed up, and then everyone would be given a loot bag before they went home.  But anyway, gifts never really mattered that much to me, I mean, sure, it was nice to say, get a new Barbie doll from one of my friends on my birthday, but if someone couldn't come to my party, I wouldn't think "that's one fewer gift," I'd think "that's really too bad, Sarah would have really enjoyed the Slip 'n Slide."

ZipTheWonder

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Re: Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment
« Reply #29 on: December 30, 2006, 09:41:45 PM »
if I did something wrong, I'd make sure you guys couldn't do something fun."

Well, that's when babysitters come in very handy.