Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment

[Alida]

Well, that's when babysitters come in very handy.

That was my point with alternate arrangements  

[ZipTheWonder]

There are lots of things we could have done.  We certainly could have hired a sitter, but we chose not to.  If my son had expressed that he wanted to "make sure my parents don't have fun," I would have.

[freakyfemme]

There are lots of things we could have done.  We certainly could have hired a sitter, but we chose not to.  If my son had expressed that he wanted to "make sure my parents don't have fun," I would have.

Besides, it's not very likely that you'd be able to call up your regular babysitter and say, "Hey Babysitter, change of plans, I know we were going to be away this weekend, but can you come up here and get Ptraghvyss, and watch him until Sunday evening?  He misbehaved and doesn't deserve to be rewarded with a nice vacation.  Oh yeah, and he's grounded for the weekend too, so don't let him watch TV or play video games or go outside until we get home."

[Slartibartfast]

Parents just need to be observant and try to find out *why* their kids are misbehaving.  (I realize that is sometimes easier said than done, but I'm shocked at the number of parents who don't see the connection between their kids' messed-up lives and their kids' behavior.)  Parents need to be consistant, but as the child grows older, "consistent" can become more complex.  A small child needs to know that "misbehaving = time out or spanking" every time, even if doing it is inconvenient at the time.  An older child can appreciate consistency of philosophy - the magnitude of the punishment will be matched to the behavior.  So if the "normal" punishment would inconvenience someone other than the child (leaving a vacation early, for example), the parents could punish the child in a different way.  (No internet or cell phone for a month?  Only allowed to eat dishes with green peppers in them for the remainder of the vacation?  Losing a trip the child was looking forward to in the future?)

I heard a great quip once that computer programming is like working with teenagers - the computer will do what you TELL it to do, not what you WANT it to do, and it will do it in the most literal way possible.  Anybody who is really working to be an effective parent should have a good idea what is driving their child or teenager - you may not know the details about her boyfriend or what she bought at the mall, but you should know how she acts when she's mad, when she's upset, and when she's proud of you.  And if she's acting up and giving off "mad" vibes, the first step is to figure out why.

[Shoo]

"Well, first, I wouldn't misbehave.  But if I did and we all left?"  She thought a moment.  "That if I did something wrong, I'd make sure you guys couldn't do something fun."

And I'd make sure my dd knew that HER behavior was the reason she was being punished, and that we would definitely be doing something fun without her, and her attitude is not appreciated, and would not be tolerated.  Not NOW, not EVER.

No way on God's green earth would I ever let my dd have that kind of strangle-hold on me.  And she'd rue the day she ever expressed such a sentiment.

[Alida]

No way on God's green earth would I ever let my dd have that kind of strangle-hold on me.  And she'd rue the day she ever expressed such a sentiment.

As I said, my DD doesn't have that kind of strangle-hold on us - but that, in her opinion, is what we'd be telling her if we left something DH and I enjoyed because of her behavior.

Again - it'd never happen, she's a straight A, sweet kid who goes out of her way to help people.  It's easy for me to say these things, I guess, because I've never had to deal with an out of control child.

[RuneGuardian]

I also fail to grasp how the birthday boy was possibly punished when two of his guests were not allowed to attend his party. How was he being punished - by missing out on two potential extra gifts? I concur that a birthday party invite is a privilege and it can be taken away if the circumstances are right (i.e. the kids misbehaving). Even if the birthday boy himself misbehaved, I would see no problem with postponing his party if he decided to misbehave. What sort of lesson would the kids be taught if they acted up and still got to go to a party? They'd learn that they can be little brats and still have fun.

[ClaireC79]

OK, not so much in this case because more children were coming.  But if the birthday boy's 'party/treat' was that  could have  A friend round to do X, then not allowing the child to go is going to impact on the birthday child (and under a certain age they probably aren't going to get that it's not anything they've done

[MerryRaven]

On the subject of grounding in general:

I don't mind grounding and I used it with great effect.  I made the kids do chores when they were grounded  such as weeding the yard or washing windows.  I told them it was like community service only it was family service.  Usually with each kid it only happened about once.

What I cannot understand is when people ground kids, is keeping them from positive activities; like Church. 

When my kids were grounded they could participate in youth activities at church or charitable work with the Rainbow Girls.  They might have fun, but I knew where they were and that they were doing things for the community and learning positive skills.

When parents 'ground' their kids from church youth group, I wonder what they are thinking.  I can see it and would have done the samething with the birthday party situation.

[FoxPaws]

What I cannot understand is when people ground kids, is keeping them from positive activities; like Church.

This is along the same lines as parents who ground their kids by sending them to their rooms. You know, with the DVD player, iPod, computer, phone, Playstation, etc.

[Suze]

What I cannot understand is when people ground kids, is keeping them from positive activities; like Church.

This is along the same lines as parents who ground their kids by sending them to their rooms. You know, with the DVD player, iPod, computer, phone, Playstation, etc.

and that is why my friends kids get all their electronics taken away when they are grounded.  the simple way is they just take all the controllers away.  and lock them in the "Christmas Closet"

[MsEva]

This is along the same lines as parents who ground their kids by sending them to their rooms. You know, with the DVD player, iPod, computer, phone, Playstation, etc.

I had a friend ground her son and tell him that he was going to have to stay in his room. He got a big smile on his face and said "Fine!".

Friend was not happy. She looked at him and said "On second thought, you are going to have to stay in my room."

Son was not happy as her room had a bed and furniture and nothing else 

[sammycat]

I also fail to grasp how the birthday boy was possibly punished when two of his guests were not allowed to attend his party. How was he being punished - by missing out on two potential extra gifts?
Why do you believe that it is a "punishment" to the birthday child?  If the present is still delivered and if there is a money issue (rent a party type of thing) that the grounded child parents offer to make up for. 

To be honest, I hadn't actually thought of the present situation, as they're not the reason I give my children parties, and in the particular case I mentioned I don't know whether the presnet was given at another date or not.  This party was held at home so no fees to a 3rd party were involved (Knowing the mother who grounded her kids as I do, I'm pretty sure though that if there had been any money involved she would have offered to pay so the hostess wasn't out of pocket).

But if the birthday boy's 'party/treat' was that  could have  A friend round to do X, then not allowing the child to go is going to impact on the birthday child (and under a certain age they probably aren't going to get that it's not anything they've done

I think it boils down to the number of kids at the party.  If there's 10 children present/invited and 1 or 2 can't make it then it probably isn't a big deal, but if only 2 children are invited and neither can come then, yes, I definitely think the birthday child is also being punished.

[Suze]

I also fail to grasp how the birthday boy was possibly punished when two of his guests were not allowed to attend his party. How was he being punished - by missing out on two potential extra gifts?
Why do you believe that it is a "punishment" to the birthday child?  If the present is still delivered and if there is a money issue (rent a party type of thing) that the grounded child parents offer to make up for. 

To be honest, I hadn't actually thought of the present situation, as they're not the reason I give my children parties, and in the particular case I mentioned I don't know whether the presnet was given at another date or not.  This party was held at home so no fees to a 3rd party were involved (Knowing the mother who grounded her kids as I do, I'm pretty sure though that if there had been any money involved she would have offered to pay so the hostess wasn't out of pocket.)

I know that if I had been grounded from the party my Mom would have called up the Party Mom and told her why I would not be coming, and set it up to take me over there in mid-party to stand at the door and deliver my gift and leave. (see just what you are missing kind of punishment) 

But if the birthday boy's 'party/treat' was that  could have  A friend round to do X, then not allowing the child to go is going to impact on the birthday child (and under a certain age they probably aren't going to get that it's not anything they've done

I think it boils down to the number of kids at the party.  If there's 10 children present/invited and 1 or 2 can't make it then it probably isn't a big deal, but if only 2 children are invited and neither can come then, yes, I definitely think the birthday child is also being punished.

yes, in the case of a very small party (or the pick one frend to do X with us on your birthday) I do agree that there should be some other kind of punishment handed down. 

[Balletmom]

I don't do the party grounding as a rule, because it does affect the hosts at the last minute, which violates a cardinal family rule. Usually I just extend the actual grounding/no computer/no tv/etc, etc at home period instead.

Sleepovers and other casual outings--You bet. My older daughter said at the last one, "But that's unfair to Friend." I said, "Well, that's another unfortunate consequence of your behavior. It affects other people negatively, too. So you need to make better choices next time."

If her behavior was egregious enough, however, I'd take away the party as well. And thankfully, her friends' mothers would be supportive.

We've had the enlightening experience of watching another  dancer, a very gifted one,  derail because of her horrible attitude, as enabled by her mother, and missing a party is far less serious in the long run than missing a scholarship.