Not Being Allowed to Attend a Party as a Punishment

[freakyfemme]

If anything, it was a good lesson to the birthday boy too, that there are consequences to one's behavior. "Birthday Boy, Tommy and Sally couldn't come to the party because they did something naughty and Mom had to take away something fun.  They wanted to be here, but because they didn't behave, they had to miss out.  Maybe next time, they'll make better choices."

If only birthday boy's mum would say that to him once in a while she wouldn't be losing friends over her child's behaviour, and he wouldn't be so disliked.  Sigh.  Maybe one day.

But, if BB was a reasonably well-behaved little boy, that'd be a terrible lesson to have to learn on his birthday.

[alli_wan]

But, if BB was a reasonably well-behaved little boy, that'd be a terrible lesson to have to learn on his birthday.

Why is 'there are consequences for bad behavior' a 'terrible' lesson?

I wish half of my college students had figured that one out before they had been let our of their parent's homes. 

While the 'behavior has consequences' is a good lesson, 'you can't always get what you want so buck up and get over it' is probably an even better one.  It's not as if the entire party will come to a screeching halt because one or two kids can't make it.  Being a kid (and a parent) means learning to improvise with what you get.

[freakyfemme]

But, if BB was a reasonably well-behaved little boy, that'd be a terrible lesson to have to learn on his birthday.

Why is 'there are consequences for bad behavior' a 'terrible' lesson?

Because, it wasn't BB's bad behaviour that brought on the "consequence" in this case.  Not everything in a child's life should be a "lesson," and I think birthday parties are pretty high on that list. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

But, if BB was a reasonably well-behaved little boy, that'd be a terrible lesson to have to learn on his birthday.

Why is 'there are consequences for bad behavior' a 'terrible' lesson?

Because, it wasn't BB's bad behaviour that brought on the "consequence" in this case.  Not everything in a child's life should be a "lesson," and I think birthday parties are pretty high on that list. 

While I agree that not everything should be a lesson (I am guilty of actually doing this with my neice, and have learned not to!), sometimes these situations must occur.  As another poster said, though it negatively affects another child, the mother is responsible for her child, and any consequences beyond that are unfortuante, but they do happen.  (I can understand not wanting to put the hostess in a bad spot, but usually sending the gift and offering to cover costs of missed child suffices).  I think the general philosophy is that birthday parties are a privilege for the child, and misbehavior=missed privileges.  Though they are a privilege for the birthday boy as well, I go back to the mother being being responsible for her child (and the child being responsible for his actions). 

You cant protect every child from the bad consequences of others' behavior - this is a true lesson especially in adulthood. 

[madmusician]

A lot of my parenting philosophy has been "Never give away for free what you can sell."  If it's important to him, it's on the table as a privilege he can earn....or lose.

Really?  Does that even extend to things like Christmas, and your son's own birthday?  I remember seeing an episode of "Malcolm in the Middle" where the boys misbehaved, and their mother decided to "hold Christmas hostage," and if the boys managed to behave until Christmas morning, there would *be* a Christmas morning, otherwise not.  What ended up happening was, there was a ton of tension in the house, and the boys cracked in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, and broke into the garage and took all their presents, and then the parents woke up, felt badly, and they had Christmas then.  But, all I'm saying is, I'd hate to grow up in an environment of constantly wondering, "Will I still get [insert positive thing here], or is that going to be contingent on whatever my mother decides?"  Actually, a lot of my childhood *was* like that, for example, sometimes, I'd be allowed to go to the park or a friend's house if my parents were in a good mood, but not if they weren't, and often, behaviour never even factored into the picture. 

I know exactly how that feels. While I agree with not allowing a kid to go, this means that it's the parent's responsibility to contact the birthday family in advance, apologize, offer to pay for extra expenses, etc. On the other hand, my mom always held everything over my head. Your school shoes are falling apart? Do this for me and I'll think about buying them.

Also, I don't think that the birthday boy 'needed to learn a lesson'. He ought to have been told that his friends couldn't come because they had done X, but this should be done in a nice manner.."Look, sweetie, I'm really sorry they're not here..."

[avonlea29]

What I cannot understand is when people ground kids, is keeping them from positive activities; like Church.

This is along the same lines as parents who ground their kids by sending them to their rooms. You know, with the DVD player, iPod, computer, phone, Playstation, etc.

While I didn't have all those things as a kid (but do now! lol), I loved being sent to my room b/c it meant I could read without interuption! lol
Our kids do have a TV in their room, but there are specific rules about its use. And "sitting" is more what we use. They either sit on the couch or sit on their bed when in trouble, no playing.

[ZipTheWonder]

. And "sitting" is more what we use. They either sit on the couch or sit on their bed when in trouble, no playing.

We use the staircase for time-out.  I can monitor that from most of the house and it's a really, really boring place. 

[LollyBee]

Sometimes the birthday boy does miss out because of other children not being there... 

When DS1 was going to be 4, his best friend & cousin (my sister's son) was going to be on a 3 week vacation to the States (we live in the UK), so I had DS1's party early so cousin could be there.  Sis & her boyfriend & son lived 8 doors away from us on the same road.

Invited 6 other children but 3 other them had other commitments for the party day, so the children at the party would be:  my son 4 years, cousin 4&¾ years, my best friend's children 6 years & 4 years, cousin's best friend 4&¾ years.

The party started at 2 pm.  Most people were there.  The children played.  "When will cousin be here, mum?"  I tapped my watch.  It was now 3pm. 

I phoned my sister's house.  "Hello, sister's boyfriend.  Do you need me to come & get cousin for DS's party?  We're waiting to do the food."  Boyfriend tells me cousin isn't coming as he'd just been rude so had been sent to his room.  Also admitted he'd forgotten about party.

His absence was very noticable!  Ok, it was my sister not making sure boyfrined remembered to bring cousin/boyfriend not bringing him before he was rude.  But that was the last party I actually had for DS1 as I'd had enough of my sister's lack of support.  Ds2 will be 4 this year & tells me he wants a party...  I'm dreading it.

[Balletmom]

Well, punishing the innocent "birthday boy" is the reason I've always managed to NOT take away the party. But I certainly have threatened it. (I think Mr. BalletMom finally pulled me aside one day and said, "You're not going to take it away. Don't you think you should pick something you WILL take away?") But it certainly worked for a good while to get some thought of actions = consequences.

Again, I wouldn't do it now for the very few birthday parties my daughters now attend. But I also "never say never" anymore. There are some things a 14 y/o can do...that for sure would not be followed up with a sleepover.

Of course, she's also likely to get grounded for something that happened AT the sleepover. Welcome to the teen years.