Issues with Posters/Veracity/Suspected Trolling

[Itza]

I don't like seeing dismissiveness in responses.

Such as, "I can't see what your problem is," or "I don't know why this is bothering you so much."

Really?

Well, if you can't, don't reply and move over so someone else who can see the OPs POV objectively can reply.

[Giggity]

Perspective helps.

[BabylonSister]

I don't like seeing dismissiveness in responses.

Such as, "I can't see what your problem is," or "I don't know why this is bothering you so much."

Really?

Well, if you can't, don't reply and move over so someone else who can see the OPs POV objectively can reply.

I agree with Hotdish.  This is not a support forum, it's a discussion forum.  You're not just going to get replies from people who see things from your POV -- and that's a good thing. I have seen many a thread where the OP started out very irritated and offended by a situation, and other posters were able to explain that it sounded like a misunderstanding, or that it was a common, accepted situation that shouldn't let the OP become upset.

[Giggity]

OTOH there's the post that starts with a certain level of detail, and then as subsequent posters say things like, "Yeah, I think you might have overreacted," the situation magically changes to explain why it WASN'T AN OVERREACTION IT WAS WORSE THAN HITLER. I am generally suspicious of those.

[Lynn2000]

I don't like seeing dismissiveness in responses.

Such as, "I can't see what your problem is," or "I don't know why this is bothering you so much."

Really?

Well, if you can't, don't reply and move over so someone else who can see the OPs POV objectively can reply.

I do think perspective helps, and is a very valuable part of this forum. However, I think replies that say only, "I don't know why this is bothering you so much," can feel very dismissive, especially if they're very early on in the thread. To me this kind of reads as, "I can't imagine any legitimate reason for this to bother you, so you're being silly."

I would rather someone replied, "I don't understand why this bothers you. Can you elaborate on that? Do you think your mom [for example] is acting maliciously when she does this, or is she just clueless? Is this a pattern with her? I'm afraid I'm just not seeing why this single incident has upset you." To me this reads as, "I can believe you have a legitimate complaint and I want to help you with it, but you need to give me more information and context."

To me, the former is not very helpful or useful; whereas the latter is. I imagine someone who posts the former finding the entire thread silly, so they never come back and read it again, and then I have to ask--why did you bother to post in it?

Now granted, sometimes the OP will literally ask, "Would this bother anyone?" And then I think it's fine for someone to post, "No, it wouldn't bother me at all," and only that, because they're answering the OP's question, and often the OP in that case is trying to informally figure out whether the thing bothers "a lot" of people or not. But if someone says, "This bothers me, what can I do about it?" I don't think answering, "It shouldn't bother you," and only that, is very helpful.

[oceanus]

I’ve noticed a trend with some posters to make their initial post excruciatingly long, more background than would ever be necessary, and lots of details about relationships and/or family issues that have nothing whatsoever to do with etiquette.

Okay, some background and maybe brief description of people involved is fine.  But I think sometimes people are using the forum to try to work out issues that are better addressed in therapy or at least maybe in a different type of forum.

What I don’t like is at the end of an extremely lengthy post (or several posts) they will try to cover themselves by asking an etiquette question such as “Was I rude?” “Am I wrong?” or “How could I have handled it better?”  (Their post re: an actual etiquette issue could have been condensed to a few short paragraphs vs. the manuscript they actually posted.)

Sometimes these threads are reported and locked by mods, but sometimes they aren’t.

[DottyG]

You say that they're reported, but I wanted to ask if you're reporting them when you see them?  (Not saying you aren't - I'm asking seriously, not snarkily.)

I agree that we have some therapy-seekers here.  But I think we need to make sure that we're helping the mods see that.  And, when you do report it, make sure you're explaining why (that you feel this person would benefit more from a therapy site rather than an etiquette one).  Somewhere in here, there's a thread by WarDoc about how to best help the mods when a thread/post is reported.  I remember that was one of the things he said.

Edited to put in a missing punctuation item
 
 

[oceanus]

DottyG - yes, I am, and I'm familiar with the procedure. 

[DottyG]

Wasn't trying to make you angry.  I started out replying to you and then kind of drifted off into a more generic PSA to whoever else might see it and didn't know (we have some newer people here that I wasn't sure had seen his post).  I didn't mean to imply that you weren't doing it right.

[DottyG]

Ah.  Found it.  Wasn't as hard as I'd thought - it was stickied in this very forum!

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=68532.0

I knew I remembered reading it somewhere!
 
 

[oceanus]

Wasn't trying to make you angry.  I started out replying to you and then kind of drifted off into a more generic PSA to whoever else might see it and didn't know (we have some newer people here that I wasn't sure had seen his post).  I didn't mean to imply that you weren't doing it right.

Oh, no offense taken at all - really.

I try to report when I see such a thread, but sometimes after reading halfway thru I kind of shake my head and move on.  (There may be an etiquette issue which I just didn't see.)

I also realize that mods are busy, or they don't always see a problem with the thread.  (shrug)

Just something I wanted to mention because I'm noticing what appears to be an increase in therapy-seekers.  I'm hoping it's temporary.

[DottyG]

I'm noticing what appears to be an increase in therapy-seekers

Yeah.  I've noticed that, too.

I'm glad people feel comfortable in telling us all kinds of things here, but sometimes I think we're at a loss as to how to best help them.
 
And, like you (if I understand your post correctly), I'm a little annoyed with we get a long story to have an "oh, yeah!  I have to make this look like an etiquette issue.  Ummmmmm....oh, I know.  I'll put a "was I rude" at the end of it!  That'll cover me" sentence at the end.  You're not fooling anyone!   That's not an actual etiquette issue there!
 

 
 

[NotTheNarcissist]

I haven't noticed any particular posters, but I have noticed an unusual number of threads that have gotten rather... bitter.  Normally we can disagree with each other and not get quite so personal about it.

I'm at least glad I'm not the only one that's noticed it - some people have gotten really nasty with folks for minor things. Maybe it's just holiday stress?

I hope so!

It's cyclical. Things go great for a while, and then there's a bit of everyone being grouchy at the same time. Usually it settles down pretty quickly (and holiday stress could be part of it, sometimes it's just a topic that comes up that riles people). Sometimes it doesn't settle, and that's when we go through dark times where people end up banned or gagged for a while.

I didn't realize this was cyclical. Yes I noticed that people got rather critical around the holidays. And I have learned to ignore certain responses. We are here to help one another, not tear each other down. I quit posting when I see accusing posts. Now I am getting my feet wet slowly getting back into ehell.

My main challenge is that things I say are taken out of context or incorrect assumptions are made about what I typed. If I have to write a response that looks like "war & peace" to cover every possible angle, I'm in trouble. I am always just trying to help the other person. So when my response is taken out of context & I now become the subject of criticism the fun of being on ehell ends. Especially when an assumption is incorrect.

So for now, for me, less is more. That is why my answers are usually fairly short. I am not looking for an argument & there have been some responses that clearly were trying to start one. I make note of that user & in the future I take their posts with a grain of salt.

Glad to know about the cycle & will keep in mind in the future.

[oceanus]

DottyG:

And, like you (if I understand your post correctly), I'm a little annoyed with we get a long story to have an "oh, yeah!  I have to make this look like an etiquette issue.  Ummmmmm....oh, I know.  I'll put a "was I rude" at the end of it!  That'll cover me" sentence at the end.  You're not fooling anyone!   That's not an actual etiquette issue there!

EXACTLY!!     Your wording is better than mine was.  Thanks.

[ladyknight1]

I had replied to a post about topic A, saying that I could identify with a similar situation, topic B.

Immediately, another poster replied to my post in a challenging way. I ended up sending a pm to the OP, just to make sure I wasn't being misunderstood or out of line. I am not one for stirring the pot.