A bad date and how people can be clueless me included Update post #50

[Reader]

Had a movie and dinner date with a man yesterday that I will never accept another date from.  The fact I had to drive should have been red flag number one.  But I thought I can understand not needing a car in my city as we have excellent public transportation and he is a returning college student.  So I pick him up, drive us to the movies where I listen to him regale me how his roommate tricked him into spending all his money except $4 the night before when they were bar hopping.  He had passes so the movie was covered.  But I had to pick up the tab for my bottle of water, no biggie as in I have no problem paying for myself but I was wondering how dinner was going to go if he couldn't even pay for that.  Movie gets over and he asks what I want to do next. Probably should have pulled the plug at this point and slightly kicking myself later that I didn't.  I remind him on how he had invited me for dinner and get told we have to stop at his house again so he can grab cash.  Que another red flag because of previous statement by him, and him not being prepared.  So we stop he runs in and gets cash and we are off for dinner.  He asks were and mentions two options for places that are known to be pricey.  So I counter and tell him those are nice but he would be free to change those options for a place more in his budget as in I'm not picky.  He picks one of the two previous options.  Proceeds to order a $40 pitcher of moijtos and after the server leaves to put it in then tells me he only brought $60 with him but had more cash at home.    Since it's a tapas place were you are supposed to order multiple small plates to share I survey the menu for the cheapest plates as possible.  Dinner comes and conversation is spotty and already I am getting the impression the way we both live our lives are just not compatible.  Then he starts to use his straw to pick his teeth with no attempt to hide it.  I remind him that there would be toothpicks on the way out.  He agrees that a toothpick would be great and then goes back to using the straw.  When the bill comes he actually asked me if I had cash to cover the bill.  Which I didn't have the normal spare amount I normally carry because of picking up my bottle of water earlier.  So he ends up splitting it between his bank card and the cash on him and stiffing the waitress on her tip saying he'll get her on his next trip in.  I made sure to take note of the server's name for later because she was lovely and her service was excellent.  I had already started to make excuses that I had to get home to feed and let my dog out at this point.  This is when he suggests we go back to my house together, which would also mean I would have to drive him home at some point.  I decline, we walk back to my car and I drive him home.  At which he invites me back to his place for Labor day for grilling out.  I decline stating I had other plans with friends and drove home hitting an ATM and stopping by at the restaurant to make sure the waitress received her tip.  From the look the hostess gave me when I explained what I was there for, lead me to believe the waitress had discussed what had happened to her coworkers.  But the hostess smiled, thanked me and assured me she would get it to the server without any comments.  So at least I know I can return to the restaurant in the future without feeling like the world's biggest heel.  I also know this is the first and last date with this man, and should never ever leave my house to go on another date without adequate extra cash in case this should happen again.

[Twik]

Well, I don't think it's a red flag, necessarily, not to have a car. But a consistent pattern of expecting other people to cover one's expenses is, all told, a really big flag.

Particularly as (pardon me while I giggle), the first date is usually where people go all out to impress the other person. Goodness knows what he'd pull once he figured you actually liked him.

[Fleur-de-Lis]

I would be okay with the "no car", but would have cut the "date" short when you had to take him back home after reminding him that he invited you for dinner. Although I'm not certain I understand why dinner couldn't all go on the card.

But none of that scenario would have happened between my friend set, so maybe it's just entirely outside of my experience.

Edited to add that I would have been prepared to split the cost of dinner, but that's partly because if I'm not certain of a situation, I want to be certain I have enough cash (or a credit card) on hand to resolve things. 

[EduardosGirl]

Although I'm not certain I understand why dinner couldn't all go on the card.

That would indicate to me that he was well and truly skint: not enough money on the card to cover the meal.

I don't drive but I don't rely on others for my transport either.

[Yvaine]

I agree that him not having a car is not necessarily a red flag--but the way he continuallychose big expenses even though he was broke is a huge red flag. There are plenty of dates that can be done on $60 or less--but they don't involve $40 mojitos and stiffing the waitress! 

[SisJackson]

Back when I was in my early- to mid-20s, the "no car" thing wouldn't have bothered me.  I was doing my postgraduate work and most people I knew were in the same situation - we are all broke as heck and were pouring every dime into our education and basic living expenses.  Those of us that did have cars, had models that were held together with duct tape and prayers.

Some time after the age of 30, however, the lack of a car was a dealbreaker for me.  I tried dating men without cars and inevitably they would begin to take me and my car for granted.  Sure, for the first few weeks he'd agree to meet me somewhere and he'd find his own way back and forth from our dates.  But then we'd be out late and he'd say, "Hey, can you just drop me off?"  and after a bit more time he'd say, "I'll meet you at [place not far from my house near the main highway] and we can go from there."   And then later it'd morph into rides to and from his home, until it was obvious that if we were going to go out, it was expected that I'd drive and he wouldn't even ask - just tell me what time to pick him up.

I'm nobody's chauffeur.  Call me picky and call me shallow but when I was seriously dating a decade ago, I would have seen the lack of a car as a red flag, just from being burned several times.  I preferred to start on more equal footing with a man.  I can see where the OP is coming from.  It sounds like this guy is living like a fraternity boy, which could be cute if he's 20.  Not as adorable if he's much older than that.

[Surianne]

Did you not carry money either?  I'm a bit confused about this.  In your case I would have just paid my half of the bill and gotten out of there.   

And of course as a non-car-owner I'm not too thrilled about that being a "red flag".  Though I guess if owning a car is important to you, that can be your thing if you want it to be.  I'd suggest asking guys up front, though, because it's not something I'd think of disclosing as important when making first date plans.  It never occurred to me that anyone would judge me negatively for it.

[Yvaine]

Did you not carry money either?  I'm a bit confused about this.  In your case I would have just paid my half of the bill and gotten out of there.   

My guess is that he was the one who invited her. If he asked, he should pay, etiquettely speaking--but sadly, there are enough people breaking this rule that it's safer to have spare cash even if you're the askee.

[Celany]

I'd be rather unimpressed by anybody who talks about not having a lot of money & then orders a $40 pitcher of anything. When you don't have a lot of money, I don't think you should spend like you have a lot of money.

The no car thing doesn't phase me, but that's probably because having a car in NYC is a bigger pain in the butt than anything, but the other stuff...I'm glad you already decided there wouldn't be a date #2.

[Surianne]

Did you not carry money either?  I'm a bit confused about this.  In your case I would have just paid my half of the bill and gotten out of there.   

My guess is that he was the one who invited her. If he asked, he should pay, etiquettely speaking--but sadly, there are enough people breaking this rule that it's safer to have spare cash even if you're the askee.

I have heard that before on the boards but I don't think it's a hard and fast rule.  So if it's not specified when they make plans, it's probably best to be prepared to pay for yourself.  Reading the OP I actually thought he was trying to hint at that: the OP assumed he was paying, and he assumed they would be splitting the bill.

And as you note, it's definitely safer.  I wouldn't go out without money, personally -- especially if I had a car, because it's pretty easy to get stranded if your car breaks down, and you don't have money to pay for a cab or public transit. 

I'd be rather unimpressed by anybody who talks about not having a lot of money & then orders a $40 pitcher of anything. When you don't have a lot of money, I don't think you should spend like you have a lot of money.

The no car thing doesn't phase me, but that's probably because having a car in NYC is a bigger pain in the butt than anything, but the other stuff...I'm glad you already decided there wouldn't be a date #2.

I agree on both these points. 

[Winterlight]

No car- I live in a major metro area and a lot of people don't. The rest of it, however, would have me deleting his number.

[HorseFreak]

Did you not carry money either?  I'm a bit confused about this.  In your case I would have just paid my half of the bill and gotten out of there.   

And of course as a non-car-owner I'm not too thrilled about that being a "red flag".  Though I guess if owning a car is important to you, that can be your thing if you want it to be.  I'd suggest asking guys up front, though, because it's not something I'd think of disclosing as important when making first date plans.  It never occurred to me that anyone would judge me negatively for it.

The OP may live somewhere car ownership is a necessity due to lack of public transportation. Everywhere I've lived (including two moderate-to-large cities) cars are needed to get anywhere halfway conveniently. Even living just outside Boston the bus/train system was awful enough that getting anywhere without one was a major PITA. In NYC I wouldn't expect a date to have a car, but after one date with a guy who lived in Maine without a car when I went to college 25 minutes away I decided it was a deal breaker. It wasn't THAT far, but it does get old.

[Twik]

The bill-splitting aspect brings up a point - if neither is "hosting" the other, than both people need to come to a decision where to go. Mr. Big Spender can't announce that he wants the high-priced dinner without a meeting of the minds with the person he's sharing with.

[Raintree]

So knowing he only had $60 on him (which he'd already had to detour home for to get, since he hadn't brought any money to begin with after inviting the OP to dinner).........he orders a $40 pitcher. What a loser. I'd be far more impressed by someone who simply asked me to go out for a walk with a possible stop for coffee.

[LEMon]

So knowing he only had $60 on him (which he'd already had to detour home for to get, since he hadn't brought any money to begin with after inviting the OP to dinner).........he orders a $40 pitcher. What a loser. I'd be far more impressed by someone who simply asked me to go out for a walk with a possible stop for coffee.

Yeah, I would lose interest right there.  No financial wisdom this one, or a good sense of entitlement ('surely she will help cover this totally ridiculous, not needed cost').