Author Topic: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included Update post #50  (Read 12995 times)

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Larrabee

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #15 on: September 05, 2011, 04:40:24 AM »
Did you not carry money either?  I'm a bit confused about this.  In your case I would have just paid my half of the bill and gotten out of there.   ???

And of course as a non-car-owner I'm not too thrilled about that being a "red flag".  Though I guess if owning a car is important to you, that can be your thing if you want it to be.  I'd suggest asking guys up front, though, because it's not something I'd think of disclosing as important when making first date plans.  It never occurred to me that anyone would judge me negatively for it.

The OP may live somewhere car ownership is a necessity due to lack of public transportation. Everywhere I've lived (including two moderate-to-large cities) cars are needed to get anywhere halfway conveniently. Even living just outside Boston the bus/train system was awful enough that getting anywhere without one was a major PITA. In NYC I wouldn't expect a date to have a car, but after one date with a guy who lived in Maine without a car when I went to college 25 minutes away I decided it was a deal breaker. It wasn't THAT far, but it does get old.

From the OP:

"But I thought I can understand not needing a car in my city as we have excellent public transportation and he is a returning college student."

So it seems more like Celany and Winterlight's situation.  The money thing is a huge red flag, the car thing not one at all. 

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #16 on: September 05, 2011, 05:16:07 AM »
This guy was a flake.  Not even a special snowflake, just a garden variety flake.

I do have to add, though, that I don't even know how to drive.  My SO (M) does all the driving.
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cicero

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #17 on: September 05, 2011, 06:20:00 AM »
drove home hitting an ATM and stopping by at the restaurant to make sure the waitress received her tip. 
the high point of your evening...

Sorry OP, have been in similar situations where I coulda/shoulda stopped things at the beginning but kept on going, while  thinking "this must be a mistake/maybe he's just nervous/nobody could be that much of a loser..."

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Tosha Go

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #18 on: September 05, 2011, 06:42:27 AM »
Back when I was in my early- to mid-20s, the "no car" thing wouldn't have bothered me.  I was doing my postgraduate work and most people I knew were in the same situation - we are all broke as heck and were pouring every dime into our education and basic living expenses.  Those of us that did have cars, had models that were held together with duct tape and prayers.

Some time after the age of 30, however, the lack of a car was a dealbreaker for me.  I tried dating men without cars and inevitably they would begin to take me and my car for granted.  Sure, for the first few weeks he'd agree to meet me somewhere and he'd find his own way back and forth from our dates.  But then we'd be out late and he'd say, "Hey, can you just drop me off?"  and after a bit more time he'd say, "I'll meet you at [place not far from my house near the main highway] and we can go from there."   And then later it'd morph into rides to and from his home, until it was obvious that if we were going to go out, it was expected that I'd drive and he wouldn't even ask - just tell me what time to pick him up.

I'm nobody's chauffeur.  Call me picky and call me shallow but when I was seriously dating a decade ago, I would have seen the lack of a car as a red flag, just from being burned several times.  I preferred to start on more equal footing with a man.  I can see where the OP is coming from.  It sounds like this guy is living like a fraternity boy, which could be cute if he's 20.  Not as adorable if he's much older than that.

POD to this.  My first serious relationship in my early 20's I dated someone who didn't have a car (he was also in his early 30's).  We lived in a city where a vehicle was required to get around anywhere (Metro Detroit).  While I didn't mind at first, it because draining because it was expected that I had to go to his place, pick up him up, go out somewhere drop him off then go back home.  Then I started helping him run errands - like going to the grocery store and returning pop bottles...yeah depending on the age I would considering not owning a vehicle a red flag if you live in a city that requires a vehicle to get around.

To the OP, I dont blame you for not wanting to date this guy again.

TheaterDiva1

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #19 on: September 05, 2011, 06:51:49 AM »
The inconsistencies are a red flag - he went from "My roommate took all my money" to "I have cash at home" - plus picking an expensive place knowing he couldn't cover it - he was just trying to get a free meal out of this.

SisJackson

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #20 on: September 05, 2011, 01:23:37 PM »
From the OP:

"But I thought I can understand not needing a car in my city as we have excellent public transportation and he is a returning college student."

So it seems more like Celany and Winterlight's situation.  The money thing is a huge red flag, the car thing not one at all.

If the public transportation is so awesome, he should have taken it.  The OP also says "The fact that I had to drive" [bolding mine] which tells me that it may not be all that excellent.

Surianne

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #21 on: September 05, 2011, 02:12:09 PM »
From the OP:

"But I thought I can understand not needing a car in my city as we have excellent public transportation and he is a returning college student."

So it seems more like Celany and Winterlight's situation.  The money thing is a huge red flag, the car thing not one at all.

If the public transportation is so awesome, he should have taken it.  The OP also says "The fact that I had to drive" [bolding mine] which tells me that it may not be all that excellent.

Yeah, I guess for me it depends on how it went down.  If the guy said "I don't have a car so you'll have to pick me up", he's obviously wrong there.  But the OP seemed to give him a "red flag" just based on not having a car.  If he was willing/planning to meet her at the restaurant by walking or using public transit, then I don't see the problem with him not having a car.

Many people who don't have cars, including myself, are very capable of getting ourselves around town.  We may have to avoid certain places that aren't on public transit routes or rent a car/take a cab to reach those places, but I don't think not owning a car should be an automatic "red flag" in an area that has (as the OP claims) decent public transit.  Many people make the choice not to own a car for very valid reasons -- budgetary or environmental reasons, for example. 

mich3554

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2011, 02:49:54 PM »
The no car issue doesn't bother me as much as his lack of money and ordering expensive items does.

The one thing that I always did when I went out on a first date (regardless of being asked) was pay for myself.  In my brain, this kept me and my date on an even keel and would not mean that I was on the hook for anything.  Afterwards, then I'd let them pay when they asked, but for the first time, when I was getting to know them, it was always on my dime.

Fleur-de-Lis

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #23 on: September 05, 2011, 03:01:53 PM »
There are also medical reasons to not drive - epilepsy, insufficient depth perception, etc.

But there were clearly failures to communicate - who was buying, etc. P

Add on the cash flow problem, the inconsistencies (no money, only $60, not enough credit line to put it all on his card, and the pitcher of alcohol) - definite signs of a problem child.

While I believe the OP would have been prudent to either be financially prepared (and just see it as a lesson in red flags and clarification), not having been was not rude, just possibly unwise.

And going back to cover the tip was exemplary.
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Surianne

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #24 on: September 05, 2011, 03:15:01 PM »
Oh I definitely agree that the guy was rude not to carry enough $$ to cover his share, and to order the expensive drinks when he was broke.  That's clearly beyond the pale and I would write him off for that too.   I also agree that going back to tip the waitress was great and I think the OP behaved very well once she realized her mistake in not carrying money herself.

It was just the no car = red flag and the OP not carrying any money herself that confused me on top of the rest.  That's something I think it would be worth considering for her next day (with a different guy).  I think it's always best to carry money for your share (or she's no better than the guy in this post), and I think if you consider no car to be a red flag, it's better just to avoid a date with that person than to string them along.  Though I hope you'll reconsider that. 

There are also medical reasons to not drive - epilepsy, insufficient depth perception, etc.

Good point as well.  I think there are quite a few reasons to not own a car that don't necessarily mean a person is irresponsible. 


Raintree

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #25 on: September 05, 2011, 03:38:13 PM »
The inconsistencies are a red flag - he went from "My roommate took all my money" to "I have cash at home" - plus picking an expensive place knowing he couldn't cover it - he was just trying to get a free meal out of this.

That was the part that struck me too. His roommate cleaned him out the night before (what, he couldn't just tell his roommate that he couldn't spare the cash?), but suddenly he has $60 lying around at home, and later, he has even more money lying around at home that he didn't bring when he went home to collect the $60?

That's just really, really bad and an indication of what he's like all the time.

DuBois

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #26 on: September 05, 2011, 06:28:34 PM »
Oh I definitely agree that the guy was rude not to carry enough $$ to cover his share, and to order the expensive drinks when he was broke.  That's clearly beyond the pale and I would write him off for that too.   I also agree that going back to tip the waitress was great and I think the OP behaved very well once she realized her mistake in not carrying money herself.

It was just the no car = red flag and the OP not carrying any money herself that confused me on top of the rest.  That's something I think it would be worth considering for her next day (with a different guy).  I think it's always best to carry money for your share (or she's no better than the guy in this post), and I think if you consider no car to be a red flag, it's better just to avoid a date with that person than to string them along.  Though I hope you'll reconsider that. 

There are also medical reasons to not drive - epilepsy, insufficient depth perception, etc.

Good point as well.  I think there are quite a few reasons to not own a car that don't necessarily mean a person is irresponsible.

I mostly agree with this post, and I certainly agree that the OP (and anyone) should carry money in the future. But I don't think it is fair to say that not carrying money, when someone says they are treating, is on the same level as deliberate overordering. It is a bad idea, but it is not as bad as what they guy did.

Surianne

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #27 on: September 05, 2011, 06:46:39 PM »
Oh I definitely agree that the guy was rude not to carry enough $$ to cover his share, and to order the expensive drinks when he was broke.  That's clearly beyond the pale and I would write him off for that too.   I also agree that going back to tip the waitress was great and I think the OP behaved very well once she realized her mistake in not carrying money herself.

It was just the no car = red flag and the OP not carrying any money herself that confused me on top of the rest.  That's something I think it would be worth considering for her next day (with a different guy).  I think it's always best to carry money for your share (or she's no better than the guy in this post), and I think if you consider no car to be a red flag, it's better just to avoid a date with that person than to string them along.  Though I hope you'll reconsider that. 

There are also medical reasons to not drive - epilepsy, insufficient depth perception, etc.

Good point as well.  I think there are quite a few reasons to not own a car that don't necessarily mean a person is irresponsible.

I mostly agree with this post, and I certainly agree that the OP (and anyone) should carry money in the future. But I don't think it is fair to say that not carrying money, when someone says they are treating, is on the same level as deliberate overordering. It is a bad idea, but it is not as bad as what they guy did.

I agree with you on that.  Poor phrasing on my part!

Miss Understood

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #28 on: September 05, 2011, 10:39:33 PM »
There are also medical reasons to not drive - epilepsy, insufficient depth perception, etc.


OT, and I'm sorry for derailing, but I was smacked down in another thread for suggesting that people with epilepsy could/should not drive.  I have only known three people (to my knowledge) who have that condition, and two of the three were legally barred from maintaining a driver's license; the third did not drive but I did not know her well enough to know whether that was her choice or not.  Are there people with epilepsy who are allowed to drive (in the U.S.)?  And if so, how is that determination made?  In the case of one of the people I know, it was only after an accident caused by a seizure that the license was revoked in the first place.

BellyBionic

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Re: A bad date and how people can be clueless me included
« Reply #29 on: September 05, 2011, 10:42:55 PM »
Based on my experience dating men, it sounds like he might have been "testing" you.  It's one test I was always happy to fail, since I wouldn't want to date someone who would do such a thing.  I encountered several men who would claim to be broke or "forget" their wallet or otherwise do something that would make it necessary for me to pay.  If I balked, was visibly not happy about it, or did anything other than cheerfully fork over the cash, I was labeled a "golddigger" and that was the end.  A few men actually told me that's what they'd done at the end of the date, as if I should have been embarrassed by *my* behavior and was losing out on something because of it.