I got stood up today...

[Two Ravens]

How were you stood up?  He came to the place and didn't see you. 

To me this sounds like a situation where neither of you did anything wrong or rude, and life just happened to mess it up. 

I agree.  I don't see that anyone was necessarily at fault or why it's important to find someone at fault. It was just one of those things that happen sometimes.

Agreed.  I also think your reply was a bit cold.

[Surianne]

I sent him a reply today saying:

"Thanks, but no thanks."


Wonder how that will come across.

Ouch!  Probably pretty poorly.  That wasn't a particularly pleasant way to break it off.  Since I think the guy was fair to leave when he didn't see you waiting (I'm still on the "communication mixup" rather than "guy 100% at fault" side of things) I don't think he deserved that. 

[BellyBionic]

I sent him a reply today saying:

"Thanks, but no thanks."


Wonder how that will come across.

Ouch!  Probably pretty poorly.  That wasn't a particularly pleasant way to break it off.  Since I think the guy was fair to leave when he didn't see you waiting (I'm still on the "communication mixup" rather than "guy 100% at fault" side of things) I don't think he deserved that.

Agreed.  Being uninterested in someone romantically doesn't give you license to treat people like they don't matter.

[whiterose]

So what should I have said? I did not point out his being tardy, or the short notice, or the fact that I did not see him. I certainly did not call him names. Should I have been more explicit and said exactly when I was there and what I did?

[kareng57]

So what should I have said? I did not point out his being tardy, or the short notice, or the fact that I did not see him. I certainly did not call him names. Should I have been more explicit and said exactly when I was there and what I did?

What about "I actually was there at the time, unfortunately we somehow ended up missing each other"?  I'm giving him a bit of slack here - perhaps it was more like 3:55 and you hadn't gotten back from the pet store yet - but you'd previously assured him that you were "there".

"Thanks but no thanks" might not be exactly rude, but it's certainly less than cordial - and you never know, this guy might have had more potential than you think.

[BellyBionic]

"Sorry we weren't able to meet up, I'm afraid rescheduling won't work.  Good luck!"

Generally, when someone says "Thanks but no thanks" they're expressing that they think whatever you've just suggested is patently ridiculous.  It's in the same category as "Don't do me any favors" and "Wow, your generosity is an inspiration" (said in a sarcastic tone when someone has offered something far inferior to what was wanted or expected).

[Shortcake]

"Sorry we weren't able to meet up, I'm afraid rescheduling won't work.  Good luck!"

Generally, when someone says "Thanks but no thanks" they're expressing that they think whatever you've just suggested is patently ridiculous.  It's in the same category as "Don't do me any favors" and "Wow, your generosity is an inspiration" (said in a sarcastic tone when someone has offered something far inferior to what was wanted or expected).

POD This is how I would have taken it if someone had said that to me.

[KimberlyRose]

I agree that the response was a little harsh, but I'm not seeing how the initial communication breakdown was on both sides.  He wanted to meet at 3.30, then changed it fairly last minute, given that he only had the one way of reaching her.  She said she'd see him at 4, he showed up early (he says), then left before 4.  "I'll see you at 4" =/= "I'll see you at a random time of your choosing, that you may or may not feel like clarifying with me first."  He may have assumed that she left early, but choosing to go with random assumptions instead of what the person has actually said generally isn't a good idea.  He wasted the OP's time because he (a) budgeted his time poorly, and (b) decided that he didn't trust the OP to be reliable in what she told him.  Not much of a loss on her part.

[DuBois]

I agree that the response was a little harsh, but I'm not seeing how the initial communication breakdown was on both sides.  He wanted to meet at 3.30, then changed it fairly last minute, given that he only had the one way of reaching her.  She said she'd see him at 4, he showed up early (he says), then left before 4.  "I'll see you at 4" =/= "I'll see you at a random time of your choosing, that you may or may not feel like clarifying with me first."  He may have assumed that she left early, but choosing to go with random assumptions instead of what the person has actually said generally isn't a good idea.  He wasted the OP's time because he (a) budgeted his time poorly, and (b) decided that he didn't trust the OP to be reliable in what she told him.  Not much of a loss on her part.

POD. I actually think 'thanks but no thanks' was fine. I have said similar things to people I have suspected were flakes. I don't see the need to be nice to people who waste my time, life's too short for that.

[kareng57]

I agree that the response was a little harsh, but I'm not seeing how the initial communication breakdown was on both sides.  He wanted to meet at 3.30, then changed it fairly last minute, given that he only had the one way of reaching her.  She said she'd see him at 4, he showed up early (he says), then left before 4.  "I'll see you at 4" =/= "I'll see you at a random time of your choosing, that you may or may not feel like clarifying with me first."  He may have assumed that she left early, but choosing to go with random assumptions instead of what the person has actually said generally isn't a good idea.  He wasted the OP's time because he (a) budgeted his time poorly, and (b) decided that he didn't trust the OP to be reliable in what she told him.  Not much of a loss on her part.

OP did say that he'd sent the message at 12:45; I really wouldn't call that last-minute.  Plus, she'd assured him that she was there - not that she'd be running over to another store and would be back.  Because of that, I don't think it would be really off-base for him to just assume that she got tired of waiting and left.

[Fluffy Cat]

How were you stood up?  He came to the place and didn't see you. 

To me this sounds like a situation where neither of you did anything wrong or rude, and life just happened to mess it up. 

I agree.  I don't see that anyone was necessarily at fault or why it's important to find someone at fault. It was just one of those things that happen sometimes.

Agreed.  I also think your reply was a bit cold.

Same here.  You understandably did not expect a change of plans and didn't even notice the message until you were supposed to meet him and he was a bit late (at that time).  When you weren't there exactly at 4 (you said around 4), he probably assumed the former and didn't wait around as long as he otherwise might have.  So you missed eachother.  Its okay that you aren't interested in him particularly and that you don't want to continue further, but there is no need to assign any blame.  Stuff happens.

[The Ricker]

This is all on the guy and whiterose's response is fine.  The guy should have moved heaven and earth to meet at 3:30.  Knowing he couldn't call her, he shouldn't have posted a message on a website and hoped for the best.  Without a phone number, posting the message at 12:45 is not enough notice.  He should have planned ahead and initiated a phone number exchange.

[kareng57]

This is all on the guy and whiterose's response is fine.  The guy should have moved heaven and earth to meet at 3:30.  Knowing he couldn't call her, he shouldn't have posted a message on a website and hoped for the best.  Without a phone number, posting the message at 12:45 is not enough notice.  He should have planned ahead and initiated a phone number exchange.

But many people on Internet dating sites don't want to give out their personal phone numbers, and I don't blame them one bit.  Slight delays do happen, he did try, and I'd put this in the "unfortunate miscommunication" category.  I wouldn't call it "stood up" - IME that means someone who did not show up at all.  Okay, I agree that it's possible that this guy actually never did intend to show and that the emails/texts were simply a charade but I think it's unlikely that he would have gone to that much effort for a bogus date.

[ShadesOfGrey]

We always say people should let others know as soon as they know they're going to be late. It sound like that's just what this guy did-via the only means he had. He sounds like a responsible guy, ime, because of this.

With no other information to go on, I agree this wa merely a miscommunication. Op, out of curiosity, what if he agreed to come to you next time? Would that make it worth it to give him another shot?

[KimberlyRose]

Plus, she'd assured him that she was there - not that she'd be running over to another store and would be back.  Because of that, I don't think it would be really off-base for him to just assume that she got tired of waiting and left.

She said she'd see him at 4.  Not 3.45, not 3.50 or whatever other time he says he was there.  4 o'clock is 4 o'clock.  He could and apparently did assume that she was lying when she said she'd see him at 4, but that's not really someone I'd want to be in a relationship with.  "Well, you said you'd do X, but since you didn't do Y, so I just went home."  Nope.