Author Topic: Can you take him with you?  (Read 4300 times)

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JadeAngel

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Can you take him with you?
« on: September 04, 2011, 10:22:46 PM »
So I've been seeing 'The Boy' for a very short while, and things are going great except for one glaring problem.

The group of mutual friends we hang out with is largely female, and mostly 'The Boy' is happy to go along with our plans, and endure a bit of good natured teasing. But recently he has been making disgruntled noises and well, in short, he's in desperate need of some male bonding and a night off from the girls.

Last weekend I was talking to a male friend who is also buddies with the Boy and he mentioned that he couldn't come to our girly DVD night because he was going to a BBQ with the guys... and I seriously contemplated asking him if he could take The Boy with him, because I thought he would have a far better time drinking beer with the lads, than sitting on the couch listening to conversations about pantyhose and peep toed shoes (throughout which he was an absolute trouper even though I could tell he was suffering) Of course I had no idea if The Boy would be welcome at the BBQ, he certainly hadn't been invited so in the end I dropped a mild hint or two, but didn't come right out with the suggestion.

Is it meddling for me to start suggesting to male friends that they take The Boy away for beer, bowling, poker, dancing girls and whatever else men get up to, for the sake of his sanity and mine? Because I love having him around, but only if he's happy, and I strongly believe that for the next few weekends he'll be happier if he's away from me... I just don't want to overstep my bounds or start soliciting invitations on his behalf from his friends.

Or should I just say to him, 'Hey you! I don't want to see you again until my birthday party at the end of the month! Go crash some go karts and drink beer with your buddies!'

ccnumber4

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2011, 10:55:41 PM »
What did he do for friends before he met you?  Does he not have male friends of his own?  I honestly would be a bit uncomfortable if my SO asked someone for a pity invite for me.  Even if he didn't mean it that way, that's how it would feel to me.  If I were one of your female friends, I would tire quickly of always having him there, as well.  Sorry, to me it seems like you should both have a comfortable group you can hang with without the other one being there. 

JadeAngel

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2011, 11:11:42 PM »
He has male friends of his own, I just think that they see it as a given (right now) that he will be spending his spare time with me (as always happens during the honeymoon period of a new relationship) I don't want to beg invites for him, I just want to put it out there to his friends that if they're organizing something with the boys, they should include him and not assume that he'll be with me...

PaintingPastelPrincess

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2011, 11:17:57 PM »
Rather than asking for invites for him, encourage The Boy to make plans of his own either with his own group of buddies or the mutual male buddies.  Also, leave him home alone sometimes if you want a girl's night.  It would be nice if the friends asked him, but they don't hold all the responsibility for inviting him; he needs to take the lead, too.  That will put it out there that he's not spending *all* his free time with you, and still wants guy-time and make take care of the invite issue.

My fiance is like The Boy in that he doesn't mind hanging with me and my girlfriends, but would sometimes rather have guy-time.  When it's been awhile since we've gone out independently, I just tell him "Hey, sweetie, I'm going to hang with the girls next Friday.  Why don't you call Guy Buddy and see about doing something?"  Sometimes I'll remind him of something he's wanted to do that I have no interest in, like watching/going to a sporting event or to see a movie or whatever.

I love that he likes being around my friends, and that I like being around his friends, but it's nice to have some downtime with people of one's own gender at times, too. 

ccnumber4

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2011, 11:22:55 PM »
Oh, I misread and thought that this was YOUR male friend.  I didn't catch that he is also a friend of you SO.  In this case, it's less weird.  But still, if he's old enough to be in a relationship, he's old enough to handle his own social calendar.  I would just do what a PP said.  Mention to him that you are planning a girls night out and ask him what the guys are doing that weekend.  I still wouldn't fish for invites for him. 

wheeitsme

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2011, 12:27:53 AM »
I try to send the DH out with just the boys when I get the chance (as much as I would like to join them, sometimes).  I think that part of him that comes out when it's "just boys" is important, and he appreciates that I appreciate that. ;)

mooseketeer

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2011, 01:27:57 AM »
Has he expressed to you that he's tiring of the all ladies all the time situation? If so then you should encourage him to take some dude time. Otherwise, let him make up his mind as to when he's had enough. To me it sounds like you're over-thinking this or getting worried needlessly. You should just relax and trust that he'll make his own plans when he needs some time with the dudes.

LEMon

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2011, 02:58:20 AM »
I would indicate my willingness for him to do something else, but let him take the lead.  This will give you a better sense of who he is, and allow him to learn to meet his own needs.

Etiquette wise: one should not ask others to invite him along with them.  Puts them on the spot.  You can let them know you are fine with him hanging out with them more, but the invites need to come from their intiatiative.

blarg314

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #8 on: September 05, 2011, 04:41:26 AM »

I think trolling for invitations is a bit much.

However, there's nothing wrong with sometimes  telling your BF that you're having a girly night, so you won't be able to get together that night and he's welcome to go out with the guys.

Surianne

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #9 on: September 05, 2011, 04:13:05 PM »
What did he do for friends before he met you?  Does he not have male friends of his own?  I honestly would be a bit uncomfortable if my SO asked someone for a pity invite for me.  Even if he didn't mean it that way, that's how it would feel to me.  If I were one of your female friends, I would tire quickly of always having him there, as well.  Sorry, to me it seems like you should both have a comfortable group you can hang with without the other one being there.

I agree.  If you want time with just girls, let Boy know and make your own plans.  He can take care of himself.  I wouldn't be comfortable with an SO trying to make plans for me.  If he doesn't want to spend a night with the girls or on his own, he can call his friends just like he would have before he started dating you.

Lynn2000

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2011, 11:57:58 AM »
Rather than asking for invites for him, encourage The Boy to make plans of his own either with his own group of buddies or the mutual male buddies.  Also, leave him home alone sometimes if you want a girl's night.  It would be nice if the friends asked him, but they don't hold all the responsibility for inviting him; he needs to take the lead, too.  That will put it out there that he's not spending *all* his free time with you, and still wants guy-time and make take care of the invite issue.

My fiance is like The Boy in that he doesn't mind hanging with me and my girlfriends, but would sometimes rather have guy-time.  When it's been awhile since we've gone out independently, I just tell him "Hey, sweetie, I'm going to hang with the girls next Friday.  Why don't you call Guy Buddy and see about doing something?"  Sometimes I'll remind him of something he's wanted to do that I have no interest in, like watching/going to a sporting event or to see a movie or whatever.

I love that he likes being around my friends, and that I like being around his friends, but it's nice to have some downtime with people of one's own gender at times, too.

POD. I think you should just 1) let him know that you're okay if he does something with his spare time that doesn't involve you, and 2) make plans for YOUR spare time that don't involve HIM, and make sure he knows about it (so he can schedule something else then if he wants). I think this is more polite to him, because it presumes he can make up his own mind about things, and also more polite to your friends, because it doesn't put them on the spot to invite him to things when they weren't planning on it. Though I totally see that your intentions are good. :)

I have a good friend who is, IMO, a little overbearing when trying to micromanage her DH's social life away from her--she doesn't so much just "encourage" him to do things with his friends as investigate, schedule, nag, and then judge the results.  ::) Not at all suggesting the OP is acting this way; this is just to explain where I'm coming from on this issue and why I'd prefer to leave people up to their own devices.
~Lynn2000

Reason

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2011, 02:14:47 PM »
In my opinion, it is absolutely out of line to ask that, especially in that form.

At best you can say "Oh, you're going to <insert super manly activity> on Friday? My bf loves <super manly activity>." That's it. If they want to invite him after they know he would enjoy the activity, that's up to them and they can handle it without your involvement.

You most definitely can not say anything like "I am sure he'd love to come with you guys." or "I'll give you his phone number so you can hit him up." or worse yet "Can you take him with you?" All this phrasing makes your BF sound like a pathetic loser who waits for his woman to organize social activities for him. I assume he is a man and not a seven year old child and therefore does not need such arrangements from his girlfriend or anybody.

Actually I am really surprised he came to even one of your girl-night-out gatherings. Most men I know would rather scrape their eyes out with a dull spoon.

bopper

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #12 on: September 07, 2011, 02:18:21 PM »
Why don't you suggest to The Boy that you both can go out with some of his friends too?
Or mention that the BBQ w/ the guys sounded fun so if in the future he wants to do some activities like that esp. when you have something planned with the BunchO'Girls that would be cool with you.

Knitterly

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2011, 03:59:23 PM »
Hubby and I have been married for 6 years.  We have OUR social life, HIS social life, and MY social life.  While much of our dating time was spent together, the most healthy thing possible for a relationship is to also maintain your separate social lives. 

I see nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend to make plans with his own friends while you have your Girls Nights.  It has been my experience that the presence of a boyfriend or husband at a Girls Night tends to dampen things a little.

I wouldn't ask a friend to "please take The Boy" while I have fun with my girlfriends.  I think that would be overstepping quite a lot.  However, I do tell him that "It's a Girly night, and unless you want your toenails painted, you should make other plans that involve Not Being Home."  So, if you want to free your boyfriend from the horrors of pantyhose and peep-toed shoes, just tell him to make plans for himself as you will be busy having a Girls Night.

blarg314

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Re: Can you take him with you?
« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2011, 11:04:03 PM »

I wouldn't ask a friend to "please take The Boy" while I have fun with my girlfriends.  I think that would be overstepping quite a lot. 

Ah, I've just figured out why asking this sounded so off to me.  It comes across as if you're trying to find a babysitter for your boyfriend, because if there isn't someone to look after him, you'll have to take him along with you. That, or arranging a playdate.

I think this is something you need to deal with internally. Talk to him. Tell him that sometimes you like going out on girly nights,  that you're fine with him having nights out with his friends without you, and that doing both will be good for your relationship with each other, and with your friends. His friends will probably be happy to get him back after a few months of not seeing him, and your friends will probably be happy to have some nights where you can be girly together and not worry about him being bored.

Then leave it up to him. He can contact his friends, or he can stay home alone, or go out by himself when you go on a girls' night, whatever he wants.