Birth Announcement through myspace bulletin...

[jfulle5]

So if you saw my last thread (dealing with a mom who lies) then you should know I'm having a few family issues. Tonight I was on myspace and saw a bulletin on myspace from my brother (he's 33.) It was announcing his girlfriend of 2 months (SHE F-ING 19) is pregnant. Note I didn't get a phone call or anything but I had to find out through a myspace bulletin. I'm really really hurt. To the point of tears. He called my mom, my sister, but not me. I called him as soon as I saw it and congratulated him, but really he;s going through a divorce and this girl is..well, honestly...ghetto white trash and I cant stand her, of course my mom loves the little country bumpkin. I'm not going to tell anyone my feelings are hurt because I don't want to start another fight but I've been informed that I'm suppose to now give anything that my daughter doesn't use to him. Any suggestions how to handle this?

[blue2000]

If he knows you don't particularly like her, and there are other family issues going on, he may not have felt comfortable giving you a phone call about this. (not to excuse his behaviour, just a thought)
But there is nothing wrong with feeling hurt over it, no matter what was going on in his head.

As for your daughter's things - if you were *planning* to give some things away, because she doesn't use them anymore, go ahead and give them to him.
If you were not planning to clean out your closets, or toss any toys right now, don't bother doing it just for him. Tell him you don't really have anything he can use right now. You are not required to provide for this kid - the PARENTS are the ones who need to do this.

And if he can't be bothered to call you about this, he really shouldn't be asking favours of you!

[sammycat]

Could your mum have told (demanded) your brother not to tell you directly about the pregnancy?  I'm not sure where your brother fits into the family dynamics with regards the relationship between you and your mum, so I apologise if I'm barking up the wrong tree there.  But you have taken the higher road so to speak in phoning him to offer your congratulations and no one can take that away from you.  IMHO you are perfectly justified in feeling hurt at finding out this way when the reset of the family was told personally.  Has your brother always acted this way towards you or is it a new thing?

Re. your daughter's things.  I wouldn't give them anything, at least not yet, particularly if you are planning on having any more children, (or have someone else you were planning on giving the stuff to), because you'll probably have trouble getting it back.  If they're 'informing' you at this early stage in the pregnancy that you are expected to hand over your baby stuff, imagine how much worse it will be later down track. When my sister announced her pregnancy I couldn't wait to offer her my baby stuff, but had she demanded it, or I had been informed that I was to hand it over, then no way would she have received any of it.  Was it your mum or your brother who requested the baby stuff?

[ettacat]

I am of two minds concerning this incident.

You are so quick to call her "white trash", but what about your brother who is not even divorced yet? I wouldn't call knocking up a 19 yr old to be the most stellar behavior either. Maybe they didn't call you because you hate the girl. If you were my SIL or FSIL, I probably wouldn't have called you either.

I do, however, agree that it is really not a good situation and you should have been told in person. You do have a right to be hurt here.

As far as your baby's things, no one has a right to them. You have the right to give them to anyone you want to give them too. Your brother has the responsibility, along with his girlfriend, to provide for their own child. I also was expected to hand everything to a niece who kept getting knocked up. I absolutely put my foot down the third time and said no.

However, if you are giving them away anyway and you don't have anyone to give them to, perhaps you could give them a few things. This is going to be your niece/nephew, even if you hate the mother. You really might want to consider being nice to her or at least civil, especially if you are interested in seeing the child. Because people who are hateful to me don't see my children, no matter if they are "family" or not.

I really do understand your feelings, though.

[Lisbeth]

Given all the family issues you have and the fact that you can't stand your brother's girlfriend, I'm sure this is why he didn't call you.

As for being told what to do with your daughter's things, I'd reply, "Sorry, but they are not your property and thus you have no right to tell me what to do with them."

[Pixie]

You could always tell your family, "I am planning to save some of my daughter's baby clothes to make a quilt out of later."    That's actually what my Mom did with all of our old baby clothes, first day of school outfits..... she made a quilt for each of us kids rather than keep BOXES of old clothes in a closet!   I love mine, and I bring it out whenever I'm sick and want my Mommy.... it makes me feel better.   The only clothes she didn't use were my Christening dress and my baton uniform.

[jfulle5]

I am of two minds concerning this incident.

You are so quick to call her "white trash", but what about your brother who is not even divorced yet? I wouldn't call knocking up a 19 yr old to be the most stellar behavior either. Maybe they didn't call you because you hate the girl. If you were my SIL or FSIL, I probably wouldn't have called you either.

I do, however, agree that it is really not a good situation and you should have been told in person. You do have a right to be hurt here.

As far as your baby's things, no one has a right to them. You have the right to give them to anyone you want to give them too. Your brother has the responsibility, along with his girlfriend, to provide for their own child. I also was expected to hand everything to a niece who kept getting knocked up. I absolutely put my foot down the third time and said no.

However, if you are giving them away anyway and you don't have anyone to give them to, perhaps you could give them a few things. This is going to be your niece/nephew, even if you hate the mother. You really might want to consider being nice to her or at least civil, especially if you are interested in seeing the child. Because people who are hateful to me don't see my children, no matter if they are "family" or not.

I really do understand your feelings, though.

trust me i was calling the lot of them white trash, not singling out. No one knows i hate her, but lets say she isnt hte nicest person. He's only dated her a month or so, so it's not like I've met her too many times.

[kareng57]

I am of two minds concerning this incident.

You are so quick to call her "white trash", but what about your brother who is not even divorced yet? I wouldn't call knocking up a 19 yr old to be the most stellar behavior either. Maybe they didn't call you because you hate the girl. If you were my SIL or FSIL, I probably wouldn't have called you either.

I do, however, agree that it is really not a good situation and you should have been told in person. You do have a right to be hurt here.

As far as your baby's things, no one has a right to them. You have the right to give them to anyone you want to give them too. Your brother has the responsibility, along with his girlfriend, to provide for their own child. I also was expected to hand everything to a niece who kept getting knocked up. I absolutely put my foot down the third time and said no.

However, if you are giving them away anyway and you don't have anyone to give them to, perhaps you could give them a few things. This is going to be your niece/nephew, even if you hate the mother. You really might want to consider being nice to her or at least civil, especially if you are interested in seeing the child. Because people who are hateful to me don't see my children, no matter if they are "family" or not.

I really do understand your feelings, though.

trust me i was calling the lot of them white trash, not singling out. No one knows i hate her, but lets say she isnt hte nicest person. He's only dated her a month or so, so it's not like I've met her too many times.

I'd say she very likely knows you hate her - though how you can hate someone and label her "white trash" when you've known her for such a short time is indeed puzzling.  But if you feel the way you do about the two of them - then why be insulted about not receiving a personal announcement re the pregnancy?

[MsEva]

I think that you need to stand firm if you do not want to give up your daughter's things. Unfortunately, you probably will have problems with at least your mother if you do this. It is hard to take a stand against a parent, but the more you cave the more she will expect from you. Maybe you can say that you are saving things for a future child and just give a couple of items that you know you can live without. Do not give them anything that means anything to you - it could get ruined or disappear if they break up.

I can see where you are coming from regarding this girl, but remember that your brother is very much a party to this. He's much older and he did pick her. I really do wish you all the best and hope that you can come to terms with it if only for the sake of your unborn niece or nephew. It sounds like that child will need all the love and stability that your family can give.

[jfulle5]

I am of two minds concerning this incident.

You are so quick to call her "white trash", but what about your brother who is not even divorced yet? I wouldn't call knocking up a 19 yr old to be the most stellar behavior either. Maybe they didn't call you because you hate the girl. If you were my SIL or FSIL, I probably wouldn't have called you either.

I do, however, agree that it is really not a good situation and you should have been told in person. You do have a right to be hurt here.

As far as your baby's things, no one has a right to them. You have the right to give them to anyone you want to give them too. Your brother has the responsibility, along with his girlfriend, to provide for their own child. I also was expected to hand everything to a niece who kept getting knocked up. I absolutely put my foot down the third time and said no.

However, if you are giving them away anyway and you don't have anyone to give them to, perhaps you could give them a few things. This is going to be your niece/nephew, even if you hate the mother. You really might want to consider being nice to her or at least civil, especially if you are interested in seeing the child. Because people who are hateful to me don't see my children, no matter if they are "family" or not.

I really do understand your feelings, though.

trust me i was calling the lot of them white trash, not singling out. No one knows i hate her, but lets say she isnt hte nicest person. He's only dated her a month or so, so it's not like I've met her too many times.

I'd say she very likely knows you hate her - though how you can hate someone and label her "white trash" when you've known her for such a short time is indeed puzzling.  But if you feel the way you do about the two of them - then why be insulted about not receiving a personal announcement re the pregnancy?

I called her WT because of :how she treats people(nasty comments, emails, general rudeness, how she talks to/addresses people), what she wears (i know that I shouldnt judge her by what she wears but trust me it's bad) and a few other things. She's demanding and rude and has the "I'm better than everyone I can do no wrong attitude"
I called my brother that because of this situation, I loved his then wife and it seems he just swapped her for a newer model. The divorce isnt even final (long from it) and his new girl is already with child. I loved my brother But because of recent events I see know more and more how he really feels.

[Tabris]

I've been informed that I'm suppose to now give anything that my daughter doesn't use to him. Any suggestions how to handle this?

Who "informed" you of this?

I'm not an attorney, but I'm reasonably certain there's no law stating that anyone has to give her daughter's unused stuff to her niece or nephew.

How should you handle this? Act like the "information" about handing over your property never happened. Send a congratulatory card to your brother. Keep your emotional distance. Based on your description, your brother doesn't sound like the type who will be long-involved in his child's life. You might as well be supportive for the few months he is.