Kids b-days and adult issues

[Felica]

Ok, I'm swimming way out into unknown territory on this one so I need suggestions.

Son #2 has two best buddies. One buddy's parents I know. The other buddy, we'll call him Jake, his mom and dad are divorced. Dad has him during the week, mom every weekend. As a result, we know his mom a little, but not his dad. We've spoken just briefly at ball games and school events, but that's it. BUT, my DH knows Jakes grandfather, and they don't particularly like each other. (long story for another day)

Son #2 was talking to Jake on the phone and got upset. He said Jake told him that he wasn't allowed to invite him to his b-day party because his (jake's) dad said my DH was 'crazy and stupid'.

We've talked to Son #2 and he's not as upset about it, but it still obviously bothers him, as it does me. Since these kids have been best friends for about three years now, I'm wondering if I or my DH ought to give Jake's dad a call and try to clear this up or leave it alone? I'd hate for this to affect Son #2 and Jake's friendship. Son #2 has a b-day comming up and I know he's going to want Jake there.

There are so many things that bug me about this. First, why would you tell a child this when you know children are apt to repeat things? Second, why even take your issues with DH out on his 8 year old child? Third, what the heck is the issue anyway?

I thought about calling this man and asking these questions but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do or if calling would be too confrontational?

So, let it go, or say something? And if the answer is say something, how?

[Tabris]

I would allow Jake to play with my son only in places and areas where he was never left alone with Jake's dad.

If the boys are okay with the friendship continuing, let it go. It sounds as if Jake was upset that his family is playing these games, so it might well be that your family is one of the only stable influences in Jake's life.

I would *NOT* call the parents and get involved. You already know there are issues between your husband and this kid's grandfather. Just continue to be polite to the family when you see them. Over time, Jake will see that you and your family are neither crazy  nor stupid, and at the same time will realize his own father is petty and vindictive. When that happens, he may well turn to you guys as his rock.

[Felica]

I guess I'm just wanted to make this man squirm by asking how hurting an 8 year old's feeling could possibly make him feel any better....but your right, it would probably just make it worse. I guess pinching his head off at the neck is out of the question too, huh?

[Alida]

I guess I'm just wanted to make this man squirm by asking how hurting an 8 year old's feeling could possibly make him feel any better....but your right, it would probably just make it worse. I guess pinching his head off at the neck is out of the question too, huh?

Unfortunately so!

Jake's father has a lot of growing up to do if he's holding HIS father's dislike of your DH again your son! 

[Clara Bow]

I love it when adults take their problems out on children. I would not allow my son to be anywhere alone with Jake's dad and I would keep being nice in public. I don't know if I could resist calling him up and asking why he said that in front of Jake....I would, but it would be hard.
Something else to consider, it's possible that Jake's dad didn't say that in front of Jake but that Jake overheard him talking to someone else. I hope that's the case anyway...

[Lisbeth]

I agree with Tabris.  I'd let the friendship continue as long as your son is not left alone with Jake's father.  It would also probably be a good idea not to let your husband be alone with Jake (just to be on the safe side so that Jake's father won't have extra ammunition). 

Also, don't confront Jake's father.  That would be counterproductive IMO.

[Tabris]

I guess I'm just wanted to make this man squirm by asking how hurting an 8 year old's feeling could possibly make him feel any better.

But would you make him squirm, or would he just get defensive?

For this man, being himself is the worst possible punishment anyone could inflict on him. I'd protect my child quietly, and let Jake's father have to look at himself in the mirror every day knowing he's the kind of guy who takes out his issues on his son and his son's friend.

[Lauren]

Besides most kids are aware when adults take things out on kids. I play softball and still remember being 11 years old, when an umpire after arguing with my mother, decided to illegal pitch me EVERY PITCH to upset my mother. I was the youngest, with girls up to 13 in the teams and it was blindingly obvious what was happening (they'd had a screaming match before our game) This guy can't figure out why to this day, why most girls on either team have little respect for him.

[sammycat]

why would you tell a child this when you know children are apt to repeat things?

Sometimes this is the very reason adults do say these things either to, or within a child's hearing, in the hopes that it will get back to the other parent or child. 

My friend "Judy's" son "Lionel" came home during the first semester of grade 1 and told Judy that another child, Awful Boy, had told him that his mother (Awful Woman) said that Lionel was a d---head.  I also have the misfortune of knowing Awful Woman and would say with 99% certainty that she would have said this directly to (or at least within hearing of) her son knowing full well that at the age of 5 he was bound to repeat it back to Lionel.  This goes back to issues from the previous year, completely all AW's fault as she is so toxic. (A grown woman telling her 5 year old son that another 5 year old is a d---head is just the tip of the iceberg with her).

Judy didn't say anything to Awful Woman, as AW would feed off the drama, but in some cases it may be the appropriate thing to do.  It would depend on the individual person involved but on the whole, I would say to ignore it (at least for now), allow your son to play with Jake, but not let your son go anywhere near Jake's grandfather.  As for your son's birthday, if you like Jake and can bear to have him around, then issue the invitation and then it's up to Jake's parents as to whether he attends.

ETA:  Sorry your son had to go through that.