Author Topic: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9, #234 p.16  (Read 38284 times)

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christmascarol

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MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9, #234 p.16
« on: September 12, 2011, 05:18:23 AM »
How can I stop my MIL giving me chocolate?  I adore it but I have a serious nut allergy and there is no chocolate here, (Germany), that's nut-free.   I've told her how much I love liquorice but she "Can't be bothered remembering".

She's stopped giving me it for Christmas because hubby and SIL told her off the last time.  The non-apology was impressive but at least she now gets me an ornament instead.

She still got me a chocolate Lindt bunny at Easter, knowing I couldn't eat it.  She actually said she knew I couldn't eat it. Those things are mouthwateringly yummy and it HURT not being able to eat it!

Two weeks ago I turned 50 and she gave me more chocolate.  The family had asked for a wish list and I'd included my allergies to make things easier for them.  Chocolate was top of my list!  She saw the list!

At first this just upset me but I'm getting angry now.  I can see an explosion on the horizon.  She's not the type to put other people's needs first but this is getting ridiculous.  At first I told myself she's got me secretly insured and is hoping I'll weaken and then kick the bucket.  It just doesn't feel funny any more  :'(

« Last Edit: April 09, 2013, 04:50:55 AM by christmascarol »

atirial

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2011, 05:34:45 AM »
I don't think there is anything you can say that will change her ways. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, it seems she has the idea of you and chocolate firmly fixed in her mind. Does she give everyone chocolate or is it just you?

All I can suggest is that your DH contacts her before these events, and reminds her not to buy chocolate. That way she loses the excuse of not being told, and gets a reminder if she really is clueless.

bonyk

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2011, 05:40:04 AM »
How are presents distributed?  Does she hand them to you?  If so, I would just not take the item from her, say, "No thank you," and turn your attention to something else. 


cicero

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2011, 06:10:41 AM »


She still got me a chocolate Lindt bunny at Easter, knowing I couldn't eat it.  She actually said she knew I couldn't eat it. Those things are mouthwateringly yummy and it HURT not being able to eat it!
.....

At first this just upset me but I'm getting angry now.  I can see an explosion on the horizon.  She's not the type to put other people's needs first but this is getting ridiculous.  At first I told myself she's got me secretly insured and is hoping I'll weaken and then kick the bucket.  It just doesn't feel funny any more  :'(

wait a minute = she bought it *on purpose*? it wasnt' a case of "i buy chocolate for everyone and i'm so sorry i forgot about your allergy"? sheesh. it's *isn't* funny. it never *was* funny. it's very mean and rude on her part.

sigh...

I'm not sure what etiquette would dictate at this point - the "proper" thing would be to say thank you and put it aside (I'm guessing). but since she is actively doing this on purpose (why? is there a back story?) I would hand it back and say "I can't eat this" and bean dip...

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Iris

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2011, 06:12:15 AM »
I think it is up to your DH to let her know that it is NOT ok for her to keep upsetting you this way. I would suggest he call her before each event and remind her that she is NOT to buy you chocolate until she gets the message.

It sounds like your MIL is very rude. She "can't be bothered remembering" your gift preferences? EvilIris wouldn't be bothered to remember when she has made plans to exchange gifts with you.
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christmascarol

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2011, 06:22:20 AM »
Quote
wait a minute = she bought it *on purpose*? it wasnt' a case of "i buy chocolate for everyone and i'm so sorry i forgot about your allergy"? sheesh. it's *isn't* funny. it never *was* funny. it's very mean and rude on her part.

Yes, she knows.  When I said I couldn't eat it, she said, "I know."  The women's bunnies had little ceramic eggs over one ear and when I tried to just take the egg, she literally screamed No!!! at me.

She likes to give chocolate on every occasion as it saves her any effort.  Actually, chocolate's a step up for hubby.  He used to get socks.

I'm thinking of giving her the birthday chocolate back.  It's dark chocolate and I don't know anybody else who eats it but her.  I don't mean nastily.




christmascarol

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2011, 06:25:31 AM »
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EvilIris wouldn't be bothered to remember when she has made plans to exchange gifts with you.

One year she "Couldn't be bothered" getting me a birthday present at all.  When hubby called her on it, she said she'd just get me something extra for Christmas.  I told her it was ok, as it was easier for her not to get presents, we'd just not bother any more at all.  She was furious as she loves my presents.  I cracked after a few years as it made Christmas awkward and I LIKE giving presents.  It was worth it to see the pleasure on FIL's face.

QueenofAllThings

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2011, 07:05:25 AM »
I'd go with a PP's suggestion of just refusing the gift. If she hands it to you, just say "MIL, you know I'm allergic. I'd rather not touch it". If she leaves it on a table, don't pick it up or comment on it.

And enlist DH - it's his mother.

aiki

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2011, 07:22:16 AM »
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EvilIris wouldn't be bothered to remember when she has made plans to exchange gifts with you.

One year she "Couldn't be bothered" getting me a birthday present at all.  When hubby called her on it, she said she'd just get me something extra for Christmas.  I told her it was ok, as it was easier for her not to get presents, we'd just not bother any more at all.  She was furious as she loves my presents.  I cracked after a few years as it made Christmas awkward and I LIKE giving presents.  It was worth it to see the pleasure on FIL's face.

Ah, well there's your answer. Save the chocolate she gives you, and re-wrap it for her for the next gift-giving occasion. Bonus points if it's incorrect for the season - e.g. Easter chocolate for Christmas. Extra bonus points if a bit stale by the time she gets it back.  >:D
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Shannon

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2011, 07:25:31 AM »
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EvilIris wouldn't be bothered to remember when she has made plans to exchange gifts with you.

One year she "Couldn't be bothered" getting me a birthday present at all.  When hubby called her on it, she said she'd just get me something extra for Christmas.  I told her it was ok, as it was easier for her not to get presents, we'd just not bother any more at all.  She was furious as she loves my presents.  I cracked after a few years as it made Christmas awkward and I LIKE giving presents.  It was worth it to see the pleasure on FIL's face.

Well, there's your angle, isn't it? Stop getting her presents until she stops giving you chocolate. Start sending her lovely and thoughtful cards instead. You're still remembering and marking her birthday/Christmas/whatever, but you're not going out of your way to do a nice thing for someone who can't be bothered to do the same for you.

bopper

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2011, 09:25:45 AM »
How can I stop my MIL giving me chocolate?

Does Not Compute!!!


Seriously, trying having your husband talk to her. Otherwise, just stop exchanging gifts.

"MIL, I am going to make this easy for you. Instead of you buying me something that I cannot use, it may be best to just not get me anything at all."

jaxsue

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2011, 09:43:42 AM »
IIRC there was a similar thread awhile back.

OP, your MIL is being quite rude by giving you a gift you can't possibly eat. It's like someone who knows my food allergies yet giving me a basket of apples. I love apples but haven't been able to eat them (raw) for the past 35 yrs. One bite could kill me.  :-[

Lisbeth

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2011, 10:06:25 AM »
I think your MIL is power-tripping or at the least being totally insensitive.

I wouldn't accept gifts from her anymore-she is always going to give you chocolate because she doesn't care that you can't eat it and doesn't care to find another gift for you.  Just don't take it.
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SPuck

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2011, 10:11:37 AM »
Would it  be rude for the OP to do this:

"Mother in law, you know that I cannot accept this gift." And promptly give it back to her publicly.

I mean she knows that the gifts could harm her daughter in law, but she still keeps giving them to her in a group setting.

christmascarol

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2011, 10:23:26 AM »
Quote
Ah, well there's your answer. Save the chocolate she gives you, and re-wrap it for her for the next gift-giving occasion. Bonus points if it's incorrect for the season - e.g. Easter chocolate for Christmas. Extra bonus points if a bit stale by the time she gets it back.


Do you know how much I like that?  PMSL, superb!

I can't believe how therapeutic posting this has been.  It's like someone shifted reality and things look clearer.  I am definitely going to go with both hubby and me telling her repeatedly not to give me chocolate and refusing to take it if I can.  If she's wrapped it, I'll just hand it back to her/leave it.  Or maybe teach it to fly if it's a bunny.  I think I'll get SIL involved as well, we get on so well. 

Shannon: they don't send cards here like they do in the UK but I sent the family them anyway.  I stopped sending her one the year she told me she'd seen the perfect card for me and how much I would have loved it, it was perfect but she wasn't going to spend DM6 on a card for me!!!  Our cards to her cost more than double.  I stopped.  I get hurt looks about SIL's cards but I survive them.

Bopper: I tried that.  I was the bad guy.  And I felt like I was hurting me as much as anyone.

Jaxsue: do you have birch-oral-allergy?  I'm the same with apples and lots of other fruit and nuts and that's what I have.  Apples were my first.

I think maybe just selfish, Lisbeth.  She's not any better with her blood relatives.  But I'm trying one problem at a time.

I'd like to know that too, SPuck.  You're right about the group setting.

My mind's racing.  I keep thinking of all the rude or thoughtless things she's said or done and I really feel like this has helped shrug them off.

How about the asthma attacks I get from her stinky handcream?  I bought her unperfumed.  She used it when I wasn't there and went back to stinky when I was  :o  DH and SIL hit the roof.  I bought her more handcream.  I wonder if it will still be there when we go next month.  Oh, and both handcreams are from the same drugstore chain.