I think I've had an epiphany. Thankyou so much for all the replies, they've really helped. It's amazing.
Having thought about your replies, I reckon my MIL is selfish and a bully. I think her attitude has caused her a lot of trouble in the past with family and friends, (reading between the lines)´. And her husband and children are so used to it, they've just accepted it as the way she is.
I'm sorry if I wasn't clear but DH has talked to her and told her off. As has SIL. They prefer to be together when they do it though, lol. It's like Elfmama said, they're still her `children´.
And I tried stopping present-giving, DH backed me. I was the bad guy. We don't live near the relatives, she can twist things to them. And it hurt FIL, I didn't enjoy that.
SuperMartianRobotGirl: I feel for you, I really do, migraines are awful. Otherwise, it all sounds familiar. I just don't understand not caring whether a present is a good one or not.
Tychabrahe: I do gush over the others, it's natural and I don't see why I shouldn't. DH and SIL are the same. Her face is always a thundercloud but why shouldn't we be happy over nice presents? I now just let her sulk.
BarensMom: Well done you! I don't think it's easy to publicly counteract rudeness in a polite way. That sounds perfect
Calypso, yes I do mean that. All the chocolate here says either `may contain traces of nuts´ or nothing at all, which I still avoid. MakeMineRed is right, we're light-years behind the US and UK here. Labelling isn't taken seriously for most allergies but especially nuts :-( I did have one organic chocolate that the manufacturers said was ok but they stopped making it. I do think there are a lot of sufferers though but I don't think allergies, apart from hayfever, are taken really seriously anywhere in Europe apart from the UK.
MIL does take my allergies seriously when it comes to cakes. She ALWAYS makes sure there's one I can eat, whoever's birthday it is.
Chocolate and perfume are a blind spot. They mean her making an effort she can't be bothered to make. Her life motto is `I can't be bothered´, she says it all the time. But she's used to everybody else bothering and expects it and is shocked when there's consequences. She never sees them coming. I think, thanks a lot to ehell, I'm going to adopt `I can't be bothered´ towards her in future. It's not my nature and I'm hopeless at bearing a grudge, but...
I'm going to be proactive - I'm going to tell her before each occasion not to get me chocolate. I'm going to ask DH and SIL to do so as well.
They open their presents first at Christmas, so I can't have alternatives then. She can't wait to open my presents, lol. This year will be a resturant voucher to share and a small something besides. Then I can get FIL something he really likes and food he loves
MIL's may not be much
Easter's choccy is the only unwrapped one so I'll see what it is and have 2 things in my bag. An Easter trinket or a bag of liquorice. She hates liquorice, so if I get a bunny, I'll offer to swap with her
When we go up next month, I'm going to return her chocolate. I shall say - and it's true - that she's the only person I know who likes dark chocolate so it's either that or throw it away. She can't make herself into the victim with that logic.
But I really like the idea of throwing it away in front of her, it's a definite plan B. I know it'll make me into the bad guy as everyone will say I should have given it away, not wasted it. Tough! I like the idea of opening a window and throwing it as far as I can. So if you hear of any low flying Easter bunnies, only ehell will know why!