Author Topic: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9, #234 p.16  (Read 39976 times)

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hyzenthlay

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #45 on: September 12, 2011, 11:25:54 PM »
I'd pre-plan for my husband to take it from my hands, say "Mother, enough!" and throw it into the trash right in front of her, but that's me.

I think this is the best solution. She doesn't like or respect you (apparently) so let the bulk of the communication go through the one she might listen to, her son.

Elfmama

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #46 on: September 12, 2011, 11:30:04 PM »
I'd pre-plan for my husband to take it from my hands, say "Mother, enough!" and throw it into the trash right in front of her, but that's me.

I think this is the best solution. She doesn't like or respect you (apparently) so let the bulk of the communication go through the one she might listen to, her son.
I dunno...my MIL never listened to her sons.  They were just children, you see. ::)
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hyzenthlay

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #47 on: September 12, 2011, 11:38:33 PM »
I'd pre-plan for my husband to take it from my hands, say "Mother, enough!" and throw it into the trash right in front of her, but that's me.

I think this is the best solution. She doesn't like or respect you (apparently) so let the bulk of the communication go through the one she might listen to, her son.
I dunno...my MIL never listened to her sons.  They were just children, you see. ::)

Well so long as you didn't have to listen to her, I don't see a problem  :D

christmascarol

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #48 on: September 13, 2011, 03:21:04 AM »
I think I've had an epiphany.  Thankyou so much for all the replies, they've really helped. It's amazing.

Having thought about your replies, I reckon my MIL is selfish and a bully.  I think her attitude has caused her a lot of trouble in the past with family and friends, (reading between the lines)ī. And her husband and children are so used to it, they've just accepted it as the way she is. 

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear but DH has talked to her and told her off.  As has SIL.  They prefer to be together when they do it though, lol.  It's like Elfmama said, they're still her `childrenī.

And I tried stopping present-giving, DH backed me.  I was the bad guy.  We don't live near the relatives, she can twist things to them.  And it hurt FIL, I didn't enjoy that.

SuperMartianRobotGirl: I feel for you, I really do, migraines are awful.  Otherwise, it all sounds familiar.  I just don't understand not caring whether a present is a good one or not.

Tychabrahe: I do gush over the others, it's natural and I don't see why I shouldn't.  DH and SIL are the same.  Her face is always a thundercloud but why shouldn't we be happy over nice presents?  I now just let her sulk.

BarensMom: Well done you!  I don't think it's easy to publicly counteract rudeness in a polite way.  That sounds perfect  ;D

Calypso, yes I do mean that.  All the chocolate here says either `may contain traces of nutsī or nothing at all, which I still avoid.   MakeMineRed is right, we're light-years behind the US and UK here.  Labelling isn't taken seriously for most allergies but especially nuts :-(  I did have one organic chocolate that the manufacturers said was ok but they stopped making it.   I do think there are a lot of sufferers though but I don't think allergies, apart from hayfever, are taken really seriously anywhere in Europe apart from the UK.

MIL does take my allergies seriously when it comes to cakes.  She ALWAYS makes sure there's one I can eat, whoever's birthday it is. 
Chocolate and perfume are a blind spot.  They mean her making an effort she can't be bothered to make. Her life motto is `I can't be botheredī, she says it all the time.  But she's used to everybody else bothering and expects it and is shocked when there's consequences.  She never sees them coming.  I think, thanks a lot to ehell, I'm going to adopt `I can't be botheredī towards her in future.  It's not my nature and I'm hopeless at bearing a grudge, but... 

I'm going to be proactive - I'm going to tell her before each occasion not to get me chocolate.  I'm going to ask DH and SIL to do so as well. 
They open their presents first at Christmas, so I can't have alternatives then.  She can't wait to open my presents, lol.  This year will be a resturant voucher to share and a small something besides.  Then I can get FIL something he really likes and food he loves ;D  MIL's may not be much  >:D
Easter's choccy is the only unwrapped one so I'll see what it is and have 2 things in my bag.  An Easter trinket or a bag of liquorice.  She hates liquorice, so if I get a bunny, I'll offer to swap with her  ;D
When we go up next month, I'm going to return her chocolate.  I shall say - and it's true - that she's the only person I know who likes dark chocolate so it's either that or throw it away.  She can't make herself into the victim with that logic.

But I really like the idea of throwing it away in front of her, it's a definite plan B.  I know it'll make me into the bad guy as everyone will say I should have given it away, not wasted it.  Tough!  I like the idea of opening a window and throwing it as far as I can.  So if you hear of any low flying Easter bunnies, only ehell will know why!  ;D





« Last Edit: September 13, 2011, 07:32:58 AM by christmascarol »

KenveeB

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #49 on: September 13, 2011, 08:19:23 AM »
She hates liquorice, so if I get a bunny, I'll offer to swap with her  ;D

I like this idea.  For all gift-giving, she gets a bag of liquorice, and you can swap.  That way you both get something you love and neither of you has to be bothered.  >:D

MonteCristo

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #50 on: September 13, 2011, 09:51:58 AM »
Are these public occasions?  Before you go the extreme route of throwing it out the window (that would probably get you cut permanently in my family) why not try killing her with kindness?  When you get the candy just act all sad and say that you can't eat it because of the allergies, then brighten up and ask her to take it so that someone can enjoy it.  Be really sweet about it, but make it clear that you can't possible eat it.  If she won't take it, offer it around to everyone else "because you don't want MIL's lovely choclate to go to waste".  If she has any sense at all she will be ashamed, but you will be giving her the opportuntity to save face.  You just have to make sure you do this carefully...any bit of snark will ruin the whole affect and make you look obnoxious. 


rose red

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #51 on: September 13, 2011, 10:30:47 AM »
She's trying to have it both ways.  Give thoughtless gifts while expecting awesome ones back.  Others may play this game, but you don't have to.  Every holiday, just give her the same thing (say, a candle).  Every. Single. Holiday.

As for the chocolates, do not complain, be upset, or try to change her.  Say a polite thank you and put it aside.  No other reaction.  No drama like throwing it away or giving it away or jokes about poison.  No reaction.  This way, she cannot play the victim or try to guilt you.  Give her zero.  It'll drive her nuts (heh heh.  Nuts.  Get it?  ::) <-----at me)

edited for a few mistakes.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2011, 10:34:20 AM by rose red »

Dragonflymom

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #52 on: September 13, 2011, 11:09:42 AM »
She's trying to have it both ways.  Give thoughtless gifts while expecting awesome ones back.  Others may play this game, but you don't have to.  Every holiday, just give her the same thing (say, a candle).  Every. Single. Holiday.

As for the chocolates, do not complain, be upset, or try to change her.  Say a polite thank you and put it aside.  No other reaction.  No drama like throwing it away or giving it away or jokes about poison.  No reaction.  This way, she cannot play the victim or try to guilt you.  Give her zero.  It'll drive her nuts (heh heh.  Nuts.  Get it?  ::) <-----at me)

edited for a few mistakes.

Bonus points if each time the candle is chocolate scented.
"By swallowing evil goats unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach"  Winston Churchill

christmascarol

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #53 on: September 13, 2011, 11:42:36 AM »
Quote
If she has any sense at all she will be ashamed,


I wish.  That's her idea of the perfect solution.  No effort, no aggravation, no waste.

It is always at family gatherings.  I haven't mentioned it before but they're only small as one of her sons almost never comes and the other and his family have cut her out of their lives completely.  I know how they feel but I'm trying not to do the same.  I try hard to be the grown-up.

Rose red - got it  ;D  jennyanne - yes!!!   ;D

KimberlyRose

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #54 on: September 13, 2011, 11:59:58 AM »
the other and his family have cut her out of their lives completely.

Wow, imagine that.  At least you know it's not just you she's toxic towards.

alegria

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #55 on: September 13, 2011, 12:06:45 PM »
Are these public occasions?  Before you go the extreme route of throwing it out the window (that would probably get you cut permanently in my family) why not try killing her with kindness?  When you get the candy just act all sad and say that you can't eat it because of the allergies, then brighten up and ask her to take it so that someone can enjoy it.  Be really sweet about it, but make it clear that you can't possible eat it.  If she won't take it, offer it around to everyone else "because you don't want MIL's lovely choclate to go to waste".  If she has any sense at all she will be ashamed, but you will be giving her the opportuntity to save face.  You just have to make sure you do this carefully...any bit of snark will ruin the whole affect and make you look obnoxious.

If someone in your family consistently insisted on giving a thoughtless and dangerous item to one member, despite YEARS of being told not to, you would cut them out permanently if they finally pitched it out a window?

MonteCristo

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #56 on: September 13, 2011, 04:55:39 PM »
Are these public occasions?  Before you go the extreme route of throwing it out the window (that would probably get you cut permanently in my family) why not try killing her with kindness?  When you get the candy just act all sad and say that you can't eat it because of the allergies, then brighten up and ask her to take it so that someone can enjoy it.  Be really sweet about it, but make it clear that you can't possible eat it.  If she won't take it, offer it around to everyone else "because you don't want MIL's lovely choclate to go to waste".  If she has any sense at all she will be ashamed, but you will be giving her the opportuntity to save face.  You just have to make sure you do this carefully...any bit of snark will ruin the whole affect and make you look obnoxious.

If someone in your family consistently insisted on giving a thoughtless and dangerous item to one member, despite YEARS of being told not to, you would cut them out permanently if they finally pitched it out a window?

I don't think that came out right...what I meant was relationship between the gifter and giftee would be completely destroyed.  As in if the OP threw the candy out the window the MIL would cut her.  Judging from the fact that the OP is asking for advice in dealing with MIL, I didn't think that was what she wanted. 

In actuality if someone kept giving a dangerous item to one family member there would a serious "What the dickens is wrong with you" outburst from someone (prob me or my Dad, lol).
« Last Edit: September 13, 2011, 05:00:50 PM by MonteCristo »

MerryCat

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #57 on: September 13, 2011, 05:59:22 PM »
OOhh.. i had a thought a thought but I'm not sure if it's PA - Give her a crappy, token gift and then, when she complains, look hurt and say "I put at least as much thought into your gift as you put into mine!"

Bethalize

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #58 on: September 13, 2011, 07:01:33 PM »
Innocent assumption that MIL's behaviour has the best possible cause:

"Oh, MIL, you've given me someone else's present. This can't be mine, it's chocolate. Here, I don't want to deprive whomever you bought this for."

wyliefool

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents
« Reply #59 on: September 13, 2011, 08:56:47 PM »
She hates liquorice, so if I get a bunny, I'll offer to swap with her  ;D

I like this idea.  For all gift-giving, she gets a bag of liquorice, and you can swap.  That way you both get something you love and neither of you has to be bothered.  >:D

I think this is the best idea.

The second best would be to send your lovely German chocolate to one of us dark-chocolate-loving e-hellions (ahem) and we can send a nice nutless American chocolate by return mail. Win-win!!   ;D