MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9, #234 p.16

[Lisbeth]

Why don't you start neatly wrapping packages of ant and roach poisons and giving her those as presents?

I think this is retaliatory rudeness.

You *think* it's retaliatory rudeness?  (Although it really does go past that point and into straight-up hostility.)

No need for the sarcasm.  I know it's retaliatory rudeness at a minimum.

[greencat]

I do apologize.  I just felt like it might get the message across most effectively - and unlike chocolates, there would be no expectation that the (literally) toxic gift giver would actually eat the thing.

[ShadesOfGrey]

wait - so the chocolate is just ancillary? The bank note is the gift?

In that case, I dont think you should do anything, nor are you justified in doing anything. This is like getting one part of a gift you dont like - a basket of various cookies, for example. Your fav is chocolate chip, but the giver includes ones with white chocolate chips, and those make you sick/you dont like them/you're allergic.  So, you toss those, and eat the rest (assume they arent contaminated). 

I think aggravation is a bit of overkill, in this case. 

[KimberlyRose]

Why don't you start neatly wrapping packages of ant and roach poisons and giving her those as presents?

I think this is retaliatory rudeness.

You *think* it's retaliatory rudeness?  (Although it really does go past that point and into straight-up hostility.)

No need for the sarcasm.  I know it's retaliatory rudeness at a minimum.

Sorry, I guess my attempt at humor didn't come across.  My apologies, I truly wasn't aiming any sarcasm at you.  (I promise in person it wouldn't have come across that way.)

[HonorH]

wait - so the chocolate is just ancillary? The bank note is the gift?

In that case, I dont think you should do anything, nor are you justified in doing anything. This is like getting one part of a gift you dont like - a basket of various cookies, for example. Your fav is chocolate chip, but the giver includes ones with white chocolate chips, and those make you sick/you dont like them/you're allergic.  So, you toss those, and eat the rest (assume they arent contaminated). 

I think aggravation is a bit of overkill, in this case.

The bank note is nice, but I don't think it's overkill to be aggravated. Year after year, occasion after occasion, this MIL has been giving the OP something that the MIL *knows* she can't eat. Yet, instead of just giving the note, or attaching it to something the OP can eat, she continues to give chocolate because she can't be bothered to change her habits even that little bit.

If it were just once, the OP would be overreacting. Time after time, though, it tells her that her needs or preferences mean less to MIL than her own convenience. Sure, it's nice to get money. It's nicer still to feel you matter to someone.

[Lisbeth]

Why don't you start neatly wrapping packages of ant and roach poisons and giving her those as presents?

I think this is retaliatory rudeness.

You *think* it's retaliatory rudeness?  (Although it really does go past that point and into straight-up hostility.)

No need for the sarcasm.  I know it's retaliatory rudeness at a minimum.

Sorry, I guess my attempt at humor didn't come across.  My apologies, I truly wasn't aiming any sarcasm at you.  (I promise in person it wouldn't have come across that way.)

Apology accepted!

[magdalena]

I gather your MIL is German (as is mine)... It seems to be a pretty common way of giving gifts to grown children/relatives (like nieces/nephews/grandchildren/godchildren) over here. My presents from MIL and from my hubby's godmother, and for years before they passed, from his grandparents were usually small tokens with a bank note taped to them/hidden somewhere in the box of chocolates/the christmas mug/the toiletries bag/the bunch of tupperware.
I also know this is what my best friend gets from her mom and MIL, what my other good friend gets from her ILs and so on...
Of course, there are people who buy proper gifts over here too, but it's something that I've come to view as typical for at least a specific generation of Germans... or at least a couple of villages full of Germans ;-)

By now my MIL usually gets me the cooler tokens than my hubby (he jokes about that a lot, he gets chocolate or socks, I get neat kitchen gadgets or pretty scarves).

And, gifts are really important for my MIL, too. I know she feels really loved and appreciated when I spend time looking for something special for her, but still, her default for us is "a little something fun and cash" because the default thinking  is "the kids need the cash, they don't have that much yet" that was very true when we were students and just starting off, not so much now that we both work...

It's a shame you can't enjoy the chocolates, but it might be that she's just doing what she thinks is "the thing to do".

BTW, a good friend of mine claims that he can eat Kinder chocolate although he has very severe nut allergy. He says that no nuts are processed in the factories that produce the regular Kinder chocolate bars... but he might be wrong, I was just wondering if you'd heard about that.

[joraemi]

I'm curious, OP, if your MIL is thoughtless towards you in other ways?  Or is it just this one thing that she keeps repeating?

I'm wondering if this is the straw breaking the camel's back, so to speak.

[christmascarol]

I suppose it is, joraemi.  It's more than thoughtlessness and it isn't just towards me.  Her `I can't be bothered´ has cost her friends and family and as she hasn't seen it by now, she never will.  The chocolate hurts me more than anything else because I love it so but can't eat it AND because she knows why I can't eat it.  It really isn't the same as liking one cookie less than the others.

Magdalena, can we swap MILs?  I like yours more   

What you described isn't the norm I know and I've been here 30+ years, on and off and up and down.  The usual thing in DH's family is to ask a close female relative of the birthday person for present ideas or ask the person themselves if there's anything particular they'd like.  MIL used to do that but every single suggestion just got, "I can't be bothered, I'll give you money." 
The only other person I know who gave chocolates and money was MIL's mother.  But she was bedridden at the time.

It was my 50th last month, we had all the family over for a big do.  2 elderly aunts gave me flowers and money.  SIL and I had drawn up a general suggestion list because we knew she'd be the one people would ask.  They did and she loved having a list to work from, so I don't think it was bad ettiquette.

Two elderly aunts who can't drive both gave me flowers and money but both also took me to one side and said they hoped I didn't mind not having a present but they thought money was a safer bet.  They were so sweet and I didn't mind a bit!  MIL gave me money and chocolate.  Everyone else, friends and family, gave me presents and insited I open them there and then.  It was such a fun time with everyone laughing.  MIL sulked.  My best friend quickly hid the chocolate so that there wouldn't be a scene.  She thought a room full of people saying, "What???!!!"  wasn't the best memory to have.  I love my best friend 

I think your friend is taking a chance with the Kinderschokolade.  It's made by an Italian company called Ferrero, did you see the programme `Ferrero-Check´last month? They're one of the biggest buyers of hazelnuts in the world, if not the biggest.  Almost everything they make has hazelnuts in them.  I've checked their website and it doesn't have any nutritional info, I'll check the packets.  But I'd be very surprised if it's safe.
 
Some of the Rewe supermarkets sometimes sell McVitie's chocolate digestives and they're safe.  McVitie's has some of the best allergy info I've ever seen but that's the only product I've ever seen over here and then only occasionally.  Cadbury's are another good UK company for allergy info and you can sometimes find them.  I discovered the other day that the Maltesers website doesn't list traces of nuts in the nutritional info, so I'm going to keep an eye open for them.  I have seen them occasionally but not where I live.

If your friend is into baking, these brownies taste fantastic!  I made them at the weekend and nobody could believe there wasn't chocolate in them. 
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Cookbook:Fudge_Brownies

There's one left and I've hidden it!   

[magdalena]

I thought it might not be standard everywhere, it's just that I've encountered it a lot... I've only been here for 13 years though, and mainly just in the northern part, never too far from the A7 and most of those people I was thinking of are from this general area, somewhere between Kassel and Hamburg.

I knew that Kinder is made by Ferrero, and I'm not sure if my friend has all the right info there, he's usually very, very careful though, as nuts aren't the only thing he's avoiding... the poor guy cannot have any gluten (even traces), or eggs either. I'll let him know about Cadbury's, he orders stuff online a lot. The yummy McVities digestives are out, due to the other intolerances and allergies, unfortunately.

There have been times I'd trade MILs gladly, but I think I'll keep mine a little longer 

[christmascarol]

Poor bloke.  I have birch-oral allergy, so I can't eat most fruit either but gluten is much much worse.  If I see anything else for him, I'll let you know 

I used to live in Hamburg but it's 33 years since.  And I lived in and near Dortmund but that's nearly as long since.  My German `family´ are from that area and we go there quite often.  We live between Mannheim and Heidelberg at the moment and my in-laws live in the Taunus.  We're looking for a house in the Pfalz though, it's our dream to live there.

[christmascarol]

If he can substitute the flour, this recipe could be suitable.  I'm not sure if you can but if it is possible, they're delicious 

http://www.food.com/recipe/moms-chocolate-cupcakes-105594

[mechtilde]

Another British supplier to look out for is called Kinnerton. They tend to make novely items like easter eggs, and they have a nut free label on any trace free packaging. They have separate lines set up in the factory http://www.kinnerton.com/AllergenInfo/NutSafetyPromise.aspx

[christmascarol]

Thanks, Mechtilde, much appreciated!  I've not hears of them, I'll bookmark it 

[christmascarol]

UPDATE:

Well, she's done it again.  And it's upset me on so many levels. 

There's been no chocolate since we spoke to her in September 2011.  For others, yes, but not for me.  She always gave me something different.  She'd even taken to policing the rest of the family and seemed proud with herself about it.

We got there on Easter Sunday and she gave me a Lindt bunny.  I gave it to FIL, she was furious.  I was upset, so went upstairs.  DH missed it all but when he found out, he really told her off.  He has never ever told her off like that before.  He was brought up to suppress his anger, so his parents had never seen him really angry before.  MIL sulked for over an hour. 

When she stopped sulking, I gave her a hug and said we'd have to look to the future now.  Before we left. I said that she had to stop giving me chocolate, it upset me in so many different ways.  It was hard because I love chocolate and really miss it.  And it was something that could kill me, so it wasn't nice to give me it.  She snapped, "I know!  But I had so many of them and I have to make everyone the same."  (She might preach it but she doesn't practise it, but it's a separate issue, so I didn't call her out on it).

I phoned to say we were home and she said that it didn't go how she'd expected.  I didn't know what that meant but DH says it's her guilty conscience.  She's completely incapable of apologising, so maybe that was one. 

The good bit?  SIL was an absolute star.  Though she didn't actually say anything, she was so lovely to me and her body language was all to me and away from her mother.  I knew she was being there for me. 

I have no idea what I'll do if MIL gives me chocolate again.  It hurts me and I don't know how to stop that.  I'm fed up of being polite.  I feel like I have to be the adult and she gets away with childishness all the time.