MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9, #234 p.16

[LeveeWoman]

I don't think she forgets.

[Roe]

Your MIL sounds really, really unimaginative, if she feels that she *has* to give you chocolate "to make it even." She's got ideas stuck in her head, and she can't dismiss them.

Maybe you'd get further if you *reassured* her that it's completely OK for her to not give you something just because others are getting something for Easter.

Truly.  I mean, if she absolutely wants to make it "even" then if she spends $5 on a chocolate bunny for someone, why can't she spend $5 on a Starbucks gift card for the OP? 

I think her actions are beyond acceptable.  OP has every right to walk away from her and never take the "gift."

[rose red]

At this point, I would just come right out and say right to her face "Why do you keep trying to murder me?"

[JoyinVirginia]

Its very appropriate to turn around and give chocolate back to her, or give to fil or someone else, or take it and place it in the trash in her full view. This is beyond stupidity.

[Free Range Hippy Chick]

christmascarol, where is your FIL in this? I'm curious: you've told your MIL, your DH has told her, your SIL, you said, was supportive. What does your FIL say? I absolutely agree that this is not forgetfulness, there's something else going on in her head, but I'm just wondering if there's any mileage in calling (or preferably getting your DH to call) before the next visit, and talking to him about it. 'Can you convince Mum that christmascarol absolutely must not have anything with chocolate in it? You know she doesn't hear it when we say it, so will you please? We really find it hugely offensive when she keeps ignoring us and deliberately doing something so dangerous.' Or has he already been involved in some way?

In some ways, nice for him, he gets the chocolate back, but if he has any sensitivity on his own account, this whole scenario must be mortifying.

I'm with those who say, next time she does it - and I have no confidence that she won't - get up, put on your coat, and leave. No discussion, just out the door. Time after, get your DH to call ahead and ask his mother directly: 'what have you got for christmascarol?' If it's chocolate - if any part of it is chocolate, don't go. If she tells him it's socks, and you unwrap chocolate, then even if there are socks as well, coats on, head for the door.

I admit that it's easy to say when it's not my family!

[bloo]

At this point, I would just come right out and say right to her face "Why do you keep trying to murder me?"

Ding ding ding! This is what I'd have done the second time I was offered chocolate.

I was thinking, while reading the update, that this was the longest, most drawn-out, bungling attempt at murder I've ever read. I mean, something is not penetrating MIL's obscenely thick skull.

MIL's behavior is so incomprehensible to me that I'd ask her why she was still trying to kill me and my DH why we still keep going over there.

ETA: I should add, OP, that I'm very sorry you are going through this. I remember reading this thread way back before I actually joined EHell and will re-read it again.

[Sophia]

I wonder how she would react if you had a wrapped bottle of rat poison in your purse, that you could bring out and 'gift' to her?  Maybe have a cheap drinking glass that you could fit the bottle into, so that the message would be "I am giving you poison for you to ingest" would not be missed. 

I am only a bit joking.  Eventually people need a clue-by-four to their head. 

[Elfmama]

OP, is your MIL actively or passively/aggressively malicious in other ways, or just this? Does she think that you are pretending to have an allergy to get attention, or that you just don't like it?

Because if she is, DO NOT eat any food that she has had a hand in preparing, or that she might be able to contaminate.  It is a not-uncommon next step for someone who doesn't believe in a food allergy/sensitivity to deliberately conceal the allergen in some other food, to "prove" that the allergic person is making up the allergy.  "See, I put chocolate in the pumpkin pie, and christmascarol ate it with no problem!"

Hike over to motherinlawstories.com and search for 'allergen'.  You'll turn up a lot of stories about MILs who "don't believe" that their DIL/grandchild is allergic to something.

[JenJay]

I have no idea what I'll do if MIL gives me chocolate again.

Give it to FIL immediately, right in front of her, then completely ignore whatever reaction she has. Let her hide away in a corner and sulk or whatever while you and DH pretend everything is fine until it is.

[Wordgeek]

All suggestions related to giving MIL poison will stop now.  No exceptions.

[Miss Tickle]

Why do you accept invitations to be humiliated? I would tell your DH that you refuse to put up with it any longer, and since she has proven she can't respect you, you will no longer offer yourself up for sacrifice. Don't invite her either.  If she asks why, let her know that she's made her feelings for you perfectly clear, and you are very sorry you didn't pick up on it earlier.  You will no longer burden her with your presence.

A temporary cut off might be what she needs to see her game isn't funny.

Personally I'd ask FIL if MIL was becoming senile, she seemed to be doing so well, and now she's "forgetting" again.

[Gondwanaland]

Your MIL doesn't really believe you have an allergy.

She thinks "you" are the drama queen here and she is not buying into it at all.

I wouldn't make a fuss about it at all, thats what she wants.    When she hands you the chocolate just take it and place it on a shelf and make sure everyone sees you do that.  And when you leave, the chocolate stays where it is, on the shelf.  If she points out that you have left it, then I would just say point blank "I don't want it".  End of story.

[christmascarol]

OP here:

Thankyou for all the sympathy!  I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.  Really, it's done me the world of good.

Wordgeek is right, that isn't her intention at all.  She really does understand that I can't eat the chocolate, she does believe that I'm allergic to nuts.  I'm allergic to a lot of things and she has seen both breathing problems and skin reactions and all my meds.  She takes the allergies seriously.  She doesn't expect me to eat any of the chocolate, she thinks I should just give it to DH.  She doesn't get, or even doesn't care, that it hurts me.  I should just suck it up.

I've tried giving it back to her.  I did that last time because it was dark chocolate and nobody but her eats it.  She was more bothered that DH wasn't getting it.  When she found out he didn't like it, she was happy to take it.  It was DH saying not to do it again that worked - for a while.

When I said I was fed up of being the adult, what I really meant is I just want to turn round and walk out.  Take that, MIL!  But that would punish my DH, FIL and SIL.  Her other DIL did that and we haven't seen BIL or nephews in over 10 years.  Another BIL is nasty to them, allowing a little contact now and again.  A bit bait and switch.  It hurts us all.

FIL has absolutely nothing to do with presents.  Never has.  It's how their generation works.  But I do like the idea of saying to him to make sure she doesn't give me chocolate again.  I like it a lot!  He has Parkinson's and it's changed him a lot.  He's gone from being a tyrant to a softie and his face lights up whenever he sees me. 

She was angry that I'd given FIL the chocolate because I was expected to give it to DH.  She actually said so.  I think because we've been getting on so well, she thought she could get away with it.  That nobody'd say anything.  She'd decided that although I wouldn't be happy, it would all be swept under the carpet and glossed over.  She had `so many´ because nephew and his girlfriend didn't come.  But even so, she must still have bought one for me as well.  Maybe she thought I wouldn't say anything in front of nephew and girlfriend?  I think it's safe to say that she really didn't expect things to turn out as they did.

Hubby doesn't want me to smash the chocolate.  I mentioned that last time and he got upset.  I don't think walking out would be a good idea for anyone but me.  I think it could be interpreted as forever and literally bring on a heart attack in MIL or FIL.  I know I'd give any more chocolate to FIL but that's not my problem.  What I really want is to stop her doing it again.  And if I could do it politely, that would be great!

[jedikaiti]

I suggest that future gifts for MIL should be boxer shorts in FIL's size, or something equally obviously for him, not her. Since she seems to feel that gifts given to you should really be for DH, clearly gifts to her should really be for FIL. A non-toxic taste of her own medicine, and FIL doesn't get caught in the fallout.

[christmascarol]

Love it!  :-) 

That's another thing - she gets soooo excited about our gifts to her.  She loves the thought we put into them and is like a little kid.  She just doesn't `get´ to do the same for others.