Author Topic: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9, #234 p.16  (Read 36787 times)

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Amara

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #165 on: April 03, 2013, 03:02:24 AM »
OP, I forgot if these gifts from her are wrapped but if they are can you simply hand them to your DH and say, "Honey, would you open this?" Would she be okay with that?

Free Range Hippy Chick

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #166 on: April 03, 2013, 05:04:50 AM »
OP here:

She doesn't expect me to eat any of the chocolate, she thinks I should just give it to DH.  She doesn't get, or even doesn't care, that it hurts me.  I should just suck it up.

I've tried giving it back to her.  I did that last time because it was dark chocolate and nobody but her eats it.  She was more bothered that DH wasn't getting it.  When she found out he didn't like it, she was happy to take it.

So she isn't actually giving you a gift at all. She's giving a gift to your DH. It just happens to have your name on it. The purpose of giving you the gift is that you should give it to DH.

Don't. Do not give it to DH. Have DH make it plain that he isn't taking it, even if it's the sort of chocolate he likes. I wouldn't give it to FIL either, and I wouldn't give it back to MIL. I'm for the putting it in the bin, open, so that it can't be retrieved - but I don't think you should do that. I think your DH should do it. I think you should be careful never to accept a gift unless your DH is in the room, so that you aren't the villain when you don't accept it, or so that you can't be accused of tattling to your DH about 'your mother's being horrible to me!' I think your DH should go nuclear on her every single time and there should be no secondary reward for her in the form of DH/FIL/MIL getting the chocolate. At the moment she's getting away with it some of the time - often enough for it to be worth her while to continue with the behaviour. Make it plain that it's not win-win (MIL gives gift, christmascarol gets gift) or even win-lose-win (MIL gives gift, christmascarol doesn't get gift but who cares about christmascarol, DH or FIL or MIL gets gift). It's lose-lose (MIL doesn't get approval from anybody for gift, nobody gets gift, christmascarol is upset, DH is angry.)

There has to be no benefit at all to her in continuing this behaviour before she'll change, from the look of it. Tell DH not to hold back on the nuclear option.

Stormtreader

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #167 on: April 03, 2013, 05:10:26 AM »
Ok, that latest bit of info that she gets upset if you dont give "your" gift to your DH has changed my opinion on this.
I was going to say to throw it away as soon as you open it, but now im siding with the people saying you should find some foodstuff that your FIL likes that your MIL doesnt and give her that.
Being given a gift for someone else is worse in my book than no gift at all - there WAS thought involved, but she wasnt thinking about YOU.  >:(

Rusty

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #168 on: April 03, 2013, 06:04:15 AM »
Your latest post amazed me.   This woman has seen you take medication for your allergy, has witnessed your physical symptoms, and has been told many times how chocolate would affect you, but she still insists on giving you chocolate, but no its not really for you, its for your DH!   

Is this woman sane?   This goes way past insensitivity.  I think you could be forgiven for hurling it out the nearest window.

LeveeWoman

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #169 on: April 03, 2013, 06:46:48 AM »
Why is everyone else responsible for this woman's feeings?

CharlieBraun

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #170 on: April 03, 2013, 08:19:53 AM »
Why is everyone else responsible for this woman's feeings?

Thanks for saying what I have been thinking but unable to express.

It's an excellent question.
"We ate the pies."

christmascarol

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #171 on: April 03, 2013, 09:11:18 AM »
OP again:

We're going away for a long weekend tomorrow - this has given me so much to think about. 

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Don't. Do not give it to DH. Have DH make it plain that he isn't taking it, even if it's the sort of chocolate he likes. I wouldn't give it to FIL either

If I threw it away or out of the window, nobody would understand why I did something so wasteful.  It would come across as wasteful and spoilt.  I'd be the bad guy in the family.  But if it's any consolation, giving it to FIL was the worst thing I could do, as far as MIL was concerned.  She was angry  >:D

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So she isn't actually giving you a gift at all. She's giving a gift to your DH. It just happens to have your name on it. The purpose of giving you the gift is that you should give it to DH.

Yes!

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there WAS thought involved, but she wasnt thinking about YOU


Yes!

And to add a spin to it, she's not good at thinking of him otherwise, only with foodstuffs.  Eg. she promised him a plant for his birthday in May last year.  They visited us in July - no plant.  She'd forgotten about it.  She brought him a plant in September, to my birthday.  Hubby is still hurt.  And he doesn't know that I not only had to remind her about it, I had to make it clear that not bringing one wasn't acceptable as she was making `I just won't bother´ noises. 

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Why is everyone else responsible for this woman's feeings?

That is a very interesting question.  Food for thought.

I'd like to get her marzipan for Mother's Day.  FIL eats it, MIL doesn't.  I don't think DH will agree though.  He's a really nice person.

wonderfullyanonymous

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #172 on: April 03, 2013, 09:15:15 AM »

I suggest that future gifts for MIL should be boxer shorts in FIL's size, or something equally obviously for him, not her. Since she seems to feel that gifts given to you should really be for DH, clearly gifts to her should really be for FIL. A non-toxic taste of her own medicine, and FIL doesn't get caught in the fallout.



This is probably not a bad idea, especially because of what you said here.  There will probably be a lot of "jaw meet floor" moments, but just maybe she will start to get it then, with her standard reply back to her..."Oh, you can just give them to FIL, then."


That's another thing - she gets soooo excited about our gifts to her.  She loves the thought we put into them and is like a little kid.  She just doesn't `get´ to do the same for others. 


LeveeWoman

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #173 on: April 03, 2013, 09:15:35 AM »
OP again:

We're going away for a long weekend tomorrow - this has given me so much to think about. 

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Don't. Do not give it to DH. Have DH make it plain that he isn't taking it, even if it's the sort of chocolate he likes. I wouldn't give it to FIL either

If I threw it away or out of the window, nobody would understand why I did something so wasteful.  It would come across as wasteful and spoilt.  I'd be the bad guy in the family.  But if it's any consolation, giving it to FIL was the worst thing I could do, as far as MIL was concerned.  She was angry  >:D

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So she isn't actually giving you a gift at all. She's giving a gift to your DH. It just happens to have your name on it. The purpose of giving you the gift is that you should give it to DH.

Yes!

Quote
there WAS thought involved, but she wasnt thinking about YOU


Yes!

And to add a spin to it, she's not good at thinking of him otherwise, only with foodstuffs.  Eg. she promised him a plant for his birthday in May last year.  They visited us in July - no plant.  She'd forgotten about it.  She brought him a plant in September, to my birthday.  Hubby is still hurt.  And he doesn't know that I not only had to remind her about it, I had to make it clear that not bringing one wasn't acceptable as she was making `I just won't bother´ noises. 

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Why is everyone else responsible for this woman's feeings?

That is a very interesting question.  Food for thought.

I'd like to get her marzipan for Mother's Day.  FIL eats it, MIL doesn't.  I don't think DH will agree though.  He's a really nice person.

Has the phrase, "that's just how she is", or something similar, ever been said to you?


Roe

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #174 on: April 03, 2013, 09:28:27 AM »
Christmascarol, I'm not trying to be snarky but I think you are part of the problem.  Both you and your DH.  You seem to think being polite means being a doormat. 

I don't understand why you can't just leave.  You say that it will hurt everybody but I didn't say leave forever or never again see the family.  If you truly want things to change then you need to do something drastic as this has been going on a long time.

And you say that you can't give your MIL a gift that your FIL will enjoy because your "husband wouldn't agree since he's a nice guy"...so nice a guy that he puts up with the way she treats you?  I'd expect a husband who really cares about how his wife is treated would not only accept that you'd walk out but would join you in the walkout. 

Since this isn't just about being polite...these gifts can literally kill you!...I don't think you have to worry so much about her feelings. Not to the extent where you are constantly being put 2nd. 

christmascarol

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #175 on: April 03, 2013, 10:12:51 AM »
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Has the phrase, "that's just how she is", or something similar, ever been said to you?


They all say it.  They said it about her mother as well.

christmascarol

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #176 on: April 03, 2013, 10:18:07 AM »
Roe, you're right.  It's the way we were both `trained´ as children.  He not to rock the boat and me to make sure everyone is happy.  That was my role as a child, making sure everyone else was happy.

Part of me thinks yes, do the same to her.  Part of me thinks that if I do that, how am I better than her?  And I want to be, I don't want to be like her. 

I'm sure at the back of DH's brain is also the worry that, if we walked out, would we see them alive again?  Neither of them's well.

So much to think about.  But I agree, Roe.  You can't change others, you can only change the way you are towards them.

LeveeWoman

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #177 on: April 03, 2013, 10:19:31 AM »
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Has the phrase, "that's just how she is", or something similar, ever been said to you?


They all say it.  They said it about her mother as well.

The next time they say that about her when she treats you--or, your husband--shabbily, I'd I didn't like it, and that I wouldn't accept it because "that's just how I am."

LeveeWoman

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #178 on: April 03, 2013, 10:23:22 AM »
Roe, you're right.  It's the way we were both `trained´ as children.  He not to rock the boat and me to make sure everyone is happy.  That was my role as a child, making sure everyone else was happy.

Part of me thinks yes, do the same to her.  Part of me thinks that if I do that, how am I better than her?  And I want to be, I don't want to be like her. 

I'm sure at the back of DH's brain is also the worry that, if we walked out, would we see them alive again?  Neither of them's well.

So much to think about.  But I agree, Roe.  You can't change others, you can only change the way you are towards them.

You don't have to be nasty like her in order to stand up for yourself and your husband.

o_gal

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #179 on: April 03, 2013, 10:42:29 AM »
I'm going to go against the grain of this entire thread.

One piece of advice that is often given is that you cannot change the other person; you can only change your reaction to them.

Here's how I'm seeing the situation. Your MIL knows of your allergy and in all but one aspect of your life, she respects it. As far as I can remember, you haven't posted that she has tried to serve it to you during dinner, or insisted that you eat the chocolate right there and right now. In this one case, gifts, she has a habit of getting you chocolate along with something else (a banknote?) So it's never your sole gift, correct? When you don't want it, she expects you to give it to your DH.

So assuming that she always gives you the chocoloate along with something else, my advice is to just drop the rope. Accept that she is going to give you that piece of chocolate. Ask DH to remind her again. If she still gives you chocolate, just give it to DH. Yes, she is being rude giving you the chocolate when she knows you can't have it. And yet she gives it to you. You just are not going to be able to change her at this point in her life. Just smile, thank her, remind her politely that you can't eat it, and hand it over to DH. Later, after you leave her home, you can scream and holler and vent your anger.

This is incredibly hard - I know that you'd love her to stop giving you the chocolate and it is frustrating the heck out of you and DH, but I think at this point you'll have to accept it and, unfortunately, deal with it. Hopefully if you can find a way to accept it, you won't get as frustrated. If you eventually get to the point where you can laugh at it, you and DH could actually make a game out of it, maybe predicting ahead of time how large of a chunk-o-death she is going to give you, and the winner gets taken out for a great dinner or something like that.