Author Topic: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9, #234 p.16  (Read 38304 times)

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Eden

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #180 on: April 03, 2013, 10:55:57 AM »
Just smile, thank her, remind her politely that you can't eat it, and hand it over to DH. Later, after you leave her home, you can scream and holler and vent your anger.

I don't think it's right for the OP to thank you MIL for being purposefully rude.

Upthread OP said if she threw out the chocolate she would be viewed as wasteful and spoiled. OP, that is not your problem. You and everyone here knows you are none of those things. Although I do think it's fine to give it to FIL, DH or whomever as well. But I don't think you need to thank you or refrain from repeating the fact that you cannot have it. I'd probably say something, "As you know, I cannot have chocolate, but I thank you for the kind financial gift." If you want to not rock the boat. Were I in your shoes every time I received it, I'd hand it and the money back to her and tell her I don't appreciate being given things that will make me sick and I'd rather not receive anything at all."

TootsNYC

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #181 on: April 03, 2013, 10:56:50 AM »
First, can you find some "gift" that she *can* give you at "traditional chocolate-giving time"? Like, jelly beans, or Peeps, or pistachios, or a scarf, or something?

Then you can redirect her, which may be more powerful than simply saying "don't" (it's always better to focus on what you want rather than what you don't want).

And then you can do the "face light up, I'm so excited" thing to reinforce it. Since she wants so badly to please you, that could be very powerful.

Also, if she does give you chocolate,  give her negative reinforcement that doesn't make her defensive.

Cry.

Seriously.

Cry, quietly, and then apologize for crying. Have DH comfort you.

but don't get angry, bcs that puts her on the defensive, which means she locks herself into her "I give chocolate" rhetoric.

The other option is to drop the rope.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #182 on: April 03, 2013, 10:57:10 AM »
I'm with o_gal.  Why make a box of chocolates your hill to die on?  In my humble opinion, this is battle you will never win, so why not leave the battle field?  If she gives you chocolates, smile and say "thank you", then set them aside or give them away or open the box and pass it around.  Refuse to let it be a big deal. 

As o_gal said, you'll be much happier if you choose to find humor in the situation.  Bonus: it may drive her nuts if you stop reacting.
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KenveeB

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #183 on: April 03, 2013, 11:27:35 AM »
Also, if she does give you chocolate,  give her negative reinforcement that doesn't make her defensive.

Cry.

Seriously.

Cry, quietly, and then apologize for crying. Have DH comfort you.

but don't get angry, bcs that puts her on the defensive, which means she locks herself into her "I give chocolate" rhetoric.

I like this idea!

NyaChan

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #184 on: April 03, 2013, 11:53:58 AM »
Also, if she does give you chocolate,  give her negative reinforcement that doesn't make her defensive.

Cry.

Seriously.

Cry, quietly, and then apologize for crying. Have DH comfort you.

but don't get angry, bcs that puts her on the defensive, which means she locks herself into her "I give chocolate" rhetoric.

I like this idea!

Yup.  Usually hate crying to make a point, but this seems to be a situation where it would actually get the point across.

jedikaiti

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #185 on: April 03, 2013, 01:38:26 PM »
Were I in OP's DH's shoes, my inclination might be not to accept EITHER gift from MIL - not the chocolate given directly to him, nor the chocolate via OP - on the grounds that it's rude to give (nearly) everyone a gift, with one person being pointedly excluded. Since the chocolate was obviously not intended for OP (despite having her name on it), it's more like DH gets 2 gifts and OP gets none.

Also, as a PP pointed out, OP and DH need to cure themselves of the notion that nice & polite = doormat.
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rose red

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #186 on: April 03, 2013, 01:39:45 PM »
I'm with o_gal.  Why make a box of chocolates your hill to die on?  In my humble opinion, this is battle you will never win, so why not leave the battle field?  If she gives you chocolates, smile and say "thank you", then set them aside or give them away or open the box and pass it around.  Refuse to let it be a big deal. 

As o_gal said, you'll be much happier if you choose to find humor in the situation.  Bonus: it may drive her nuts if you stop reacting.

Because she can literally die from chocolate.  It is a big deal.  If this was about ugly sweaters or smelly lotions, I'd say the same as you; take it and dump it.  However, this woman keeps giving her something that can kill her, and the worse part is she knows it can kill.  If that's not a message, I don't know what is.  The OP should not have to smile and thank MIL for poison.

Twik

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #187 on: April 03, 2013, 01:48:14 PM »
I'm with o_gal.  Why make a box of chocolates your hill to die on?  In my humble opinion, this is battle you will never win, so why not leave the battle field?

Because, in this case, I sense that the "enemy" will pursue you even while you're retreating.

This is clearly not, in MIL's own words, a case of bad memory or lack of understanding. She's giving the OP a present that she *knows* she cannot use without possibly deadly consequences, and then throwing a fit if the OP does not dispose of it in the way that MIL has already decided she should (by giving it to her husband rather than her FIL).

This is not a quirk, this is a power play, and surrendering (to continue the military metaphor) does not mean a cessation of hostilities, it just means that the enemy moves forward to an even more advantageous position, and resumes the attack. Or, to stop sounding like it's Gettysburg, if the OP and those around her accept this treatment without complaining, MIL will assume that she can treat her badly in other ways, and expect no opposition.
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Minmom3

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #188 on: April 03, 2013, 02:06:17 PM »
"Awww, MIL, still trying to kill me, eh?  This is 'X' many times you've given me chocolate you KNOW can kill me.  How long are you going to keep this up?  Don't you EVER get tired of this?  I know I sure do!!"
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TootsNYC

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #189 on: April 03, 2013, 02:19:29 PM »
Were I in OP's DH's shoes, my inclination might be not to accept EITHER gift from MIL - not the chocolate given directly to him, nor the chocolate via OP - on the grounds that it's rude to give (nearly) everyone a gift, with one person being pointedly excluded. Since the chocolate was obviously not intended for OP (despite having her name on it), it's more like DH gets 2 gifts and OP gets none.

Also, as a PP pointed out, OP and DH need to cure themselves of the notion that nice & polite = doormat.

But that's exactly why the MIL is labeling the chocolate w/ the OP's name! Because she has to make it even; her sense of "being fair" and "treating everyone the same" is part of what has led her into this.

Bethalize

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #190 on: April 03, 2013, 02:24:03 PM »
I suggest saying: "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't accept this, it will kill me" and giving it straight back to her. If she wants to give it to your DH then let her, but that way you're taking away her fix of "I gave my DIL something and SHE gave it away". That way she'll be stuck with "My DIL didn't have a gift from me."

random numbers

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #191 on: April 03, 2013, 02:56:42 PM »
I think I'd hand it back with a sad expression asking "Why are you trying to poison me?" Make sure everyone hears. Maybe cry a bit.

jedikaiti

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #192 on: April 03, 2013, 03:04:56 PM »
Were I in OP's DH's shoes, my inclination might be not to accept EITHER gift from MIL - not the chocolate given directly to him, nor the chocolate via OP - on the grounds that it's rude to give (nearly) everyone a gift, with one person being pointedly excluded. Since the chocolate was obviously not intended for OP (despite having her name on it), it's more like DH gets 2 gifts and OP gets none.

Also, as a PP pointed out, OP and DH need to cure themselves of the notion that nice & polite = doormat.

But that's exactly why the MIL is labeling the chocolate w/ the OP's name! Because she has to make it even; her sense of "being fair" and "treating everyone the same" is part of what has led her into this.

And she's actually achieving neither. Perhaps, if DH were to refuse both chocolates on the grounds that OP isn't really being given a gift herself, just a mislabeled gift for DH. Or, when she gets the chocolate labeled for her, she can treat it as what it is, a mislabeled gift. "Oh, you accidentally put my name on DH's gift." Then, when DH gets one, too, "But where's OP's gift? Doesn't she get a gift?" Call her out, politely, on what she's really doing.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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MindsEye

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #193 on: April 03, 2013, 03:10:02 PM »
Next time, cross your arms, refuse to take the chocolate, and say something like -

"You know MIL, if you want your son to have a present of chocolate, then just give the chocolate directly to him.  I don't appreciate this little "game" where you give me chocolate, which you know I can't eat, with the intention that I will pass it off to DH instead.  Why can't you get me something that is not chocolate and is actually for me?"

Or would that be too forward?

MamaMootz

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Re: MIL and the chocolate presents - updated #134, p.9
« Reply #194 on: April 03, 2013, 03:17:02 PM »
I myself am in the "throw it out" camp. Every time you get it, walk to the bin and throw it out. Every single time.

Wasteful, not wasteful - it sends a message with no drama. Simple. Trash it.
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