When To Share the Deal Breakers?

[Outdoor Girl]

By the end of the first date, I should know whether or not he smokes, whether or not we have any interests in common, how we match lifestyle wise (environmentally conscious, world traveller, homebody, etc) and how he treats the wait staff.

If we match on these things, there's a second date.     Deeper issues, like marriage and kids and so on get discussed as dates happen, before becoming intimate.  If we don't match on those issues, intimacy could still happen but with the understanding that it would be just for fun and not leading to a long-term relationship.

I think the age of those dating can play a role in how quickly these issues get discussed.  As a 20 something, I wouldn't discuss the issues until a lot farther down the road, mainly because I didn't really know what I wanted and I had lots of time to decide.

Now?  I'd be very up front, very early because I wouldn't want to invest the time in a relationship that had no hope of going anywhere.

[Sabbyfrog2]

For me, the deal breakers came up as we got to know eachother on early dates as the conversation flowed. I often knew within 3-4 dates if we were at the "dealbreaker" conversation stage or not.

What was funny though is that I discovered as I got older that things that I once thought were deal breakers aren't anymore. What was a deal breaker for me 10 years ago, isn't necassarily a deal breaker now. I've changed and what I want in life has changed so naturally, my deal breakers have changed too.

For instance, in my early 20's, smoking was a deal breaker. I wouldn't even go on a date with a guy if I knew he smoked. Well... My Hubby is a smoker.  I knew he was a smoker before we even started dating because we were friends first but somehow, as time passed, and as my feelings for him grew, that didn't seem so important anymore. He had so many other good qualities that I was willing to get past the smoking. He has, since getting married to me, quit smoking though because he knows I hate it. He still slips up occasionally but his consumption has gone waaaaay down since we started talking about having kids. 

Though, I am also willing to compromise on having kids too now to be honest whereas previously, a man not wanting them would have been a deal breaker. Just in the last few years, I've realized that while I'd like to have them, I'd also not be hearbroken about it if it didn't happen. I just don't feel the same way about it as I did before as my life is really already very full.  DH is of the same mindset. We want them and we think kids would enhance our life, but we don't think our lives will less full without them.

So, basically, as my life has changed, so have my deal breakers. Though, some things I will never change my mind on. If I were still single... My deal breakers would be: cruelty to animals and waitstaff,  road rage, being a slob, and if the person I was seeing wanted me to give up theatre... those are some issues that I'll never compromise on. And the first two I would probably get a sense of on the first date without having to even talk about it.

[celtic_lady]

I tend to agree with blarg314. When I was single, there were certain basic things that were deal breakers right from the get go with me, such as someone who disliked animals, someone who already had kids, smoker (with the exception of a very occasional social cigarette), heavy drinker, etc. I screened for these things within the first conversations with a prospective date. If he was a yes to any one of those, things would not progress. If we got past that point then other discussions would happen more gradually before things got too serious like feelings about marriage, kids and religion. While I think it's a good idea to get things out in the open early, there is still a fine line when you could scare someone off (even I have gotten scared off by a couple of guys who brought up marriage and kids on the first date!). If a re-lationship does seem to be heading down a path where it is getting more serious, though, definitely important issues should be discussed. With my DH these topics naturally just came up as we were getting to know each other, so I knew within a couple of months of da-ting that we were more or less on the same page.  If we weren't, things wouldn't have gotten very far between us.

[portiafimbriata]

I would do it immediately. Even before the first date.

When I was single, I did.

It was much easier to weed them out on the front end than to even waste two or three hours of my time.

I dunno...someone asks you out for a drink, and you're going to say 'Sure, that'd be great! I just have to tell you, though, I'd never get married outside a church and I want to try for at least 2 children. See you Friday!  '

I'm being a bit facetious (and hey, you guys are married and I'm not, so I do value your ideas), but....how does that work? The dude's going to run a mile, no?

Lol - you're right about that Spoder, especially in this day and age. But I agree with QueenOfAllThings in that it's a good idea to at least refrain from scrabble until the dealbreakers are manifest.

[PaintingPastelPrincess]

I met my fiance through online dating, and like others have said, it's a benefit to have some of the deal breakers right there on your profile.  For example, we both knew that the other wanted kids, but not how many or when or how far spaced apart.  We still had to talk about those things, and child-rearing philosophies.  It would have been a deal breaker, for me, if he had wanted only one child, or 8 kids and was non-negotiable on attempting those ideas.  If his philosophy was that little kids should be allowed to run amok or if he was the sort that thought spanking was the only solution, and wasn't willing to compromise, those would have been deal breakers.

So, while it was nice to have some 'knowns' upfront, we still had to discuss deal breakers.  Most of those things were touched within the first few dates, because neither one of us wanted to invest in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere.  These discussions have all been revisited, and I suspect a lot of them will be revisited again as our ideals and opinions shift as we get older. 

I agree with QueenofAllThings that it's important to have these discussions before intimacy, and that there are different types of deal breakers: the things that absolutely need to happen/not happen, and the things you think are deal breakers, but possibly aren't (moving out of state at some point, wanting a guy at least X height, etc).

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

Within a few days - certainly before scrabble.

[Apricot]

I don't think I brought my dealbreakers up with my boyfriend until we'd been dating for more than six months... we were in high school at that time, though, so...

Right now, if I weren't with my boyfriend, I would be dating very casually, and so might not bring up dealbreakers at all. I imagine, though, that as I got older, I'd be inclined to bring them up earlier and earlier.

[Spoder]

I would do it immediately. Even before the first date.

When I was single, I did.

It was much easier to weed them out on the front end than to even waste two or three hours of my time.

I dunno...someone asks you out for a drink, and you're going to say 'Sure, that'd be great! I just have to tell you, though, I'd never get married outside a church and I want to try for at least 2 children. See you Friday!  '

I'm being a bit facetious (and hey, you guys are married and I'm not, so I do value your ideas), but....how does that work? The dude's going to run a mile, no?

Lol - you're right about that Spoder, especially in this day and age. But I agree with QueenOfAllThings in that it's a good idea to at least refrain from scrabble until the dealbreakers are manifest.

Oh yeah, definitely pre-scrabble. Which means there is plenty of time, at the (apparently glacial, by today's standards) pace that I move at. 

[Celany]

I am looking for a relationship that leads to marriage now, so I put a lot of my deal-breakers up on the table pretty quickly (as well as the fact that I'm no longer looking for relationships that are just for fun), either by asking about them, or learning about them just from talking. While I might not do them on the first date, absolutely by the first few, assuming this was a person in which actual "dating" is important. I tend to meet the people I end up dating through friends, with plenty of friendly interaction first. That takes care of learning about a lot of the basic stuff.

I do think, in the interests of not wasting anyone's time, that it is a good idea to get them out there as soon as possible.

[AlwaysQuizzical]

I agree with posters who say 2nd or 3rd date. I also want to add that keeping your dealbreakers list as short as possible helps you figure out what's important to you. I try to have three or less, and nothing that can't change (like smoking). I don't prefer smokers, and would want them to quit, but that's not as important as whether they want to get married and have children. I would be willing to risk living with a smoker, but not risk being in a relationship for 5 years that I'm not sure is headed for marriage.

[Sterling]

It always depended on what I was looking for.  When I just wanted to date and have fun I only worried about if they smoked, had kids, was rude or had anger problems, drank heavily or was unemployed.  Those were based on the fact those things would keep us from having fun.

When I wanted something more I started with those.  After the first 2 or 3 dates I start working it into the conversations to find out what is going on.  If it seems natural I will bring up what is a deal breaker.

[Xallanthia]

I am looking for a relationship that leads to marriage now, so I put a lot of my deal-breakers up on the table pretty quickly (as well as the fact that I'm no longer looking for relationships that are just for fun), either by asking about them, or learning about them just from talking. While I might not do them on the first date, absolutely by the first few, assuming this was a person in which actual "dating" is important. I tend to meet the people I end up dating through friends, with plenty of friendly interaction first. That takes care of learning about a lot of the basic stuff.

I do think, in the interests of not wasting anyone's time, that it is a good idea to get them out there as soon as possible.

When my husband and I started dating, I don't remember which of us brought it up but we discussed that we were looking for marriage and if either of us felt that wouldn't work, we should break up then.  By that point we'd been talking online for hours every night for over a month so I knew where he was on most other issues.  Religion was actually something we worked out over our relationship because he was in the process of converting to a specific brand of faith and I had to learn about it and consider if I would do the same (I did).  If I hadn't, I wouldn't have married him.

He did mention one other potential dealbreaker out of the blue the first day: "Just so you know, if this goes somewhere, and I hope it does: I don't buy diamonds.  I think they're visually boring, geologically uninteresting, and potentially ethically questionable."  I had a brief moment of, "But... umm... shiny?!" where I was concerned that he objected to ALL precious stones, but he quickly reassured me that it was just diamonds.  My engagement ring is sapphire  

[saki]

I think there's a bit of a difference between dealbreakers that are completely factual (e.g. I won't date a vegetarian/an atheist/someone who already has kids) and dealbreakers that are emotional (e.g. I won't date someone who doesn't want kids, I won't date someone who is a picky eater).  Essentially, I think it's hard not to be honest about the former when someone brings them up (you either have or don't have kids already) but, with the latter, there can be a bit of a tendency for people to fudge the truth because they like you and don't want to tell you the truth.  So, by all means, bring them up but be aware that you might have to do it several times in order to get the message across.  My single friends who don't want kids find this particularly - that lots of guys will assume that they're not serious about not wanting kids and that their minds will change.

[TeamBhakta]

I think there's a bit of a difference between dealbreakers that are completely factual (e.g. I won't date a vegetarian/an atheist/someone who already has kids) and dealbreakers that are emotional (e.g. I won't date someone who doesn't want kids, I won't date someone who is a picky eater).  Essentially, I think it's hard not to be honest about the former when someone brings them up (you either have or don't have kids already) but, with the latter, there can be a bit of a tendency for people to fudge the truth because they like you and don't want to tell you the truth.  So, by all means, bring them up but be aware that you might have to do it several times in order to get the message across.  My single friends who don't want kids find this particularly - that lots of guys will assume that they're not serious about not wanting kids and that their minds will change.

Before BhaktaBoy, I used to say "No way can I date a picky eater. I only want to date someone who's willing to try yummy, random, weird foods like I do." Apparently G_d has a sense of humor, 'cuz I ended up with someone who thinks casseroles are too many flavors in one dish.

[guihong]

If you're seeing someone and the holidays are coming up, it's probably a good idea to suss out their expectations early.  Do they assemble at great-aunt Maude's house at 2:00PM, no exceptions, on Thanksgiving or is it more "Come over whenever!"  For Christmas (if they observe), is it always a huge production that your SO will then expect you to put on, or barely a tree in sight?  Is there fighting or arguing, or are things far more laid back?  We see a lot of posts about family obligations and tensions around the holidays, and if you watch them  in action during dating, this will tell you a lot.

I agree with getting the big ones out before intimacy, which clouds everything.  In fact, if you start talking about intimacy, you may find things that are a  dealbreaker right then!   

If you don't want to sound like a job interview, you could ask the date "WWYD in this situation.."